:grouphug:

Hang in there!! You can do this!

P.s. Remember YOU are the most important person in your recovery!!!

So day I guess day 4 of being committed to being alcohol free. Wasn't an every single day drinker before so I guess the real test will be in a few weeks when my brain is trying to talk myself into ordering a drink thinking it will be just fine. I think that's the really hard part. I had a long talk with my wife and we also had some much needed physical contact and it was really great. I talked openly about my concerns and how ashamed I felt. I have been trying to pick up the peices of the mega blackout and wow I can say it's amazing I am alive and not in jail. I was in a state of wasted then withdrawing and getting up for more alcohol. This binge went on from Friday to Wednesday. I can't believe for me a person who somewhat has his **** together with my music career to have the gig of a lifetime and to totally ruin the **** out of it. I had this in the palm of my hand and as soon as that cold bottle of Jack was handed to me I was gone till Wednesday... My wife will forgive me as she has actually been really nice, as nice as she can..... I am a fixer and I naturally try to repair things. I just don't know how I can regain the respect of my peers without some serious time not being a drunk loser. If you knew me you would pretty much know I am known for being an over the top drinker, that is what a lot of people think of when they think of me as a dj. However this was from 1999-2010 that I was really like that..... since then I have become a father and a husband and a successful person who really only went out a few times a year. If you saw me playing music post 2010 aka lately. I am not all ****** up and I am like the guy driving and having two beers. Great! Thought I was on one hell of a comeback but this moment that could have been make or break for me went down the tubes real quick. One goddamn weekend+ blackout.

So where am I now? I have resumed my studio business and today was the first day off lorazepam and tomorrow I go back to my regular excercise program. All I know is I am an alcoholic this scared the crap out of me. I don't have time to go to meetings and I have read a lot of materials on sobriety. The problem is right now I am not triggered, next week not triggered, few months I probably can go maybe more. But my fear is some day being ok with getting drunk is going to creep into my mind. I want to win...... I need to remember now

I'm not saying you have to go to meetings but to stop sliding back in a week or a month or a year, you need to make time for your recovery.

It needs to be a real commitment, in action as well as thought.

Musical example: when I first picked up a guitar I found the time to practice 8 hours or more a day, even with a job etc, cos I loved it so much.

I needed that time - I wanted to get good, and I eventually got proficient enough to make it one of my careers.

Now I hardly 'practice' at all - but I still pick a guitar everyday.

I think that recovery needs that same kind of dedication, and dare I say it love/passion.

You need to want it.

I didn't love being sober in the beginning, but I sure as heck love it now.

D

You got to put the work into your recovery or you will find yourself slipping into an relapse it may not happen today, tomorrow or even a week or month but eventually if you don't put your Recovery #1 you will most likely find yourself relapsing (trust me I thought just being clean and sober would do the trick and guess what that's a big fat lie cause I found myself relapsing I know it was because I wasn't putting my recovery first and putting in the work)!! Meetings are crucial for your recovery. There are always Meetings 24/7 so no excuse why you cannot go and sit in an meeting. Only you can help your recovery Only you can want it!

That's good stuff, I guess I need a plan when I am feeling like having a drink. My wife loves drinking with me, she doesn't understand how one night of drinking can open up pandoaras box. She is my wife and I love her. She almost expects us to go on getaways and drink 2-3 times a year. That is one of the hardest things for me is to have her loose her drinking buddy. We know the answer is to explain to her that I should not ever drink. She does not understand.....

I can commit to not drinking if I really wanted to, personally I don't think attending meetings helps me with that personally. I'm just being honest here, I am a strong willed person, I don't benifit from meetings. Went to counseling with my wife. Worst decision I ever made. I am open to alternative support, not saying I won't hit up a meeting maybe. But I really can't stand going. You guys have any suggestions for anything aside from meetings?

I think if you're going to be around drinkers and partying types a good plan is not only essential but mandatory.

It's got to be more than 'gee I hope I don't drink'.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-plan.html

Here are some great ideas for plans:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

I had to be ready for things like people wanting me to drink, people asking me why I'm not drinking, people getting annoyed they bought a drink for me and I won't drink it, me wanting to drink, me getting annoyed I can't drink like everyone else....what to do with that thought that 'oh well a sip/one glass/two glasses won't hurt.'

Each of those scenarios needs a good strategy.

I understand now that my recovery is the bedrock for everything else good in my life - it's the axle on which my wheel turns.

Its that fundamental and that serious.

If you can't find time for it, you're basically kidding yourself anything's going to change.

Ask me how I know...

I had to remember that it wasn't the last drink that lost me my career, it was actually the first one.

D

I'm always happy to see musicians trying to overcome their afflictions and still remain committed to their passion. Best of luck! FYI... Dee74 is brilliant... listen..

I'm not fond of AA either. However, I go to SMART Mettings. Maybe look into Secular Connections of SR too. Lots of tools. There is more than 1 way to skin a cat. :You_Rock_

Till you put your recovery first and change your whole lifestyle that doesn't include alcohol then most likely you will not stop drinking. You say meetings aren't for you I'm pretty sure all of us have said that in the beginning or figure we could handle our "addiction" but in all reality we are addicts and we all have addictions.
In recovery we need the 12 steps and sponsors and meetings to cope and have an handle onto this thing called "addiction".
You also keep mentioning "your wife" and how if you get "sober she will end up losing her drinking buddy" this is your recovery only person that matters is you and till you start putting yourself and your recovery first you will continue to stay where you are ... with a drink in your hand. Sad but true I hope you change your mind about meetings maybe they didn't work for you because You weren't ready to change you weren't ready to be sober.

I wish you tons of luck and Just remember take it "one day at a time".

I appreciate what AddictGuy is saying...but this is the part that bothers me.
"Unless you have quite an explanation for pot, you're just not going to find any of us here to salute when you raise that flag. It sounds circular to me."

There might be some of us that agree that pot is by far less harmful than alcohol. But no one can speak for all of us.

Check out my join date DJ. Been checking in here for support and help for the last seven years...I am here to tell you I have stopped and started more times than I can count! BUT it is like smoking cigarettes. I was insatiable with those killers and after 4 attempts I finally gave the nasty things up. I think it will be four years quit this year. So yeah....I will NOT stop trying with alcohol that is for d@mn sure.

Even though to me pot is less harmful I do have to agree with Dee. It could be a trigger. You kind of have all this stuff happening...That wife thing makes it tough. I ABHORRED my ex husbands drinking. He turned in to a raving maniac. We sure didn't make it..I divorced him due to his violence. I don't want to write a book...I just think it is so important to have friends and spousal support. That is my problem. I don't. Stay well my friend. But like they say...It boils down to YOU....Glad you found us.

I understand now that my recovery is the bedrock for everything else good in my life - it's the axle on which my wheel turns.



D[/QUOTE]


This is deep, thank you!

For me and I am just going to be honest here, it has been my medicine for 20 years and it has been nothing but wonderful to me. I was trying to avoid this because I know this is a trigger for many and nothing to be applauded on this forum. To me its the exact opposite, only when I am drunk I am not creative and lazy. I take very very little medicine FYI. Talking small amount in the morning before exercising and small amount in the late evening before editing and mixing records for bands alone mostly. Thats about my daily routine. For me its all about not drinking, MJ has been a positive thing in my life. I know for most on here that has not been the case, and I am sorry but I am just who I am. Drinking leads me to doing that line of coke and then going to the afterparty then having some ecstasy etc. When I use thc I am a loving person who makes it home on time and excels at doing my job and life and it seems to make everyday interesting. Now there is many days I do not partake. But drinking, holy ship that wrecks me like no other. I enjoy my somewhat healthy life and cannabis has not been a distraction or negative issue. I am very discrete and I barely use it. I just can't drink here. I know some are to completely think that addiction is addiction etc. I don't want to give up caffeine either! Alcohol is poison. I get what you are saying but it is almost the thing that blocks it for me personally as a gateway drug. When I go out, there is lots of hardcore drinking and drugs everywhere. If I am at a show and I am going to DJ and someone hands me a vape dab pen and I take one maybe two puffs. I am not drinking anymore that night. I am having a good time also behaving and making it home. Thats kinda where I am at. The goddam beer and booze kills me... Thank You all for you words, I am coming up with some plans, like 8 million other times. I am like a every 12 months off the rails binge drinker otherwise functioning alcoholic who fights alcohol and recognizes the problem. I just need to win the battle of not drinking.

We've touched on this before so I'll just brieflyt recap...

Pot was my medicine too until my usage destroyed my life - then I switched to booze and did the same thing with booze.

Turns out I was the problem - if a little made me feel good then a lot must make me feel awesome....right?

It's really easy to get cross addicted to something else when you stop one addiction and use something else to cushion the blow.

It's also really easy for bad ideas - like just one drink - to seem really smart ideas when you're high.

I know you think you have it under control, but you through that about the booze too, yeah?

Be careful, man.

D

I also have to add that I never ever go out. I was last out October before this episode. I work in the city during the day and I spend 4pm-8pm with my kids usually each night. Then I am mixing and working on other peoples or my music from 8pm-1am although remotely working on the projects in the studio from a far location during the day and during the times I am home I am constantly busy. My phone rings off the hook. The reason I am saying this is the last post seemed like I live the life style of a everyday club DJ but I barely accept gigs because its not worth going out and I can't make the wife mad. Heck we do have small kids. I do get offers but a few hundred dollar DJ gig in the city is not worth it when I am happier alone working on music. I am a very alone aside from my family person. I have one engineer who works in my studio during the day and he is great and saved my ass the other day during my spell. I don't know. My wife said I should forgive myself. I am like successful producer then turn into a different person DJ drunk retart. I downloaded Randy Blythe's book that has to do with sobriety. I am going to keep like rocking the not drinking kick and really get into it. Done this and life has been great for many months many times. So much regret though...... I just wish I had that gig back and didn't slam like 5 shots of whiskey.... Last thing I really remembered for a few days. I can't seem to forgive myself and my circle of friends are like wtf. Of course they know I am a drunk ass. Thanks everyone!

I wonder if you might be fighting a losing battle. There is no magic wand that bestows the will power on you. The techniques I know of that I use that I know have helped me that strengthens the mind involve focusing the mind. Maintaining a continuous awareness of reality as it is. I'm sure MJ would not help to do that.

Thank you!!! I swear to you for me and everybody is different, for me pot is like booze and drugs repellent. This is not for everyone I know. And I also know how great you are and I get it. I am a daily smoker for 20 years. I don't get high or intoxicated I take a puff like every 45 mins when editing and it works for me and only me. My friends are stoners and I can see abuse. For me it seems like medicine and helps me greatly. My wife doesn't smoke and I don't smoke in the house as the studio is a separate building and I keep everything stealth away from kids. I am just trying to paint a picture as to how much of a non issue that is for me. I am nearly 40. For me it brings energy and creativity. I love to exercise and take my mind out of the fast paced world first thing in the morning and one puff seems to make my whole day bright. I sweat like crazy then it is time to go to work. Personally for me not a gateway but a brick wall from becoming a loser and drinking.

I just don't want to drink. I hope I always have access to my medicine! I think you guys are great, I need a plan to keep drinks out of my hand because that's when I turn into an idiot. I get it though. please understand everyone is different. I am mega mega creative. All I do is click a mouse and create art. I love it I am sorry. Drinking stops me dead in my tracks every time.

ok, I read your previous post. Well why don't you not drink then? It seems the right way to be sober. If that doesn't work, why not? Why can't you just not drink? What happens when you don't drink? It sounded like it is a matter of will power.

Welcome Back DJ,

This was an awesome read for me. Seeing posts from 2015 then fast forward to 2017 and you have a new baby. Sorry to hear that you had a horrible blackout and have damaged some relationships. In your 2015 posts you had a list of damages from drinking, you have solid evidence that your drinking is progressive. One thing you can plan on is that if you don't jump into your recovery with both feet now, then your drinking will continue to get worse and so will the possibility of adverse reactions.

Good luck and god bless! I use AA as my program of recovery and I battled relapse for ten years because I am not religious. then I actually listened at meetings and read the Big Book. Wow, I was so wrong about AA. It is spiritual and not one bit religious unless you want it to be. I attend a meeting that a staunch atheist attends and they have been sober for 20 plus years.

Because I am an alcoholic! If you had to listen to the same sometimes awful songs over and over again you may understand why that may be of use. I am a binge drinker. Just need to pass that gas station and not get any beer! Main goal