My heart aches so badly
 

Over the past 7months of sobriety I have learned so much about myself and addiction in general. Thank you SR friends and my therapist.

Something I have need written about, primarily because I do not know what to ask or say, is that my husband whom I adore is also an addict.

He recently started his journey with an addictions specialist and has had a go at sobriety. We have 2 little children together. There are no words to describe the challenge that this has been. For everyone. For a really long time.

Today he brought out some materials that his addictions specialist gave him for us to fill out as a couple, regarding marriage and parenting. This follows a marriage book from last week. And I lost it. Crying, sadness, anger, fear. The works. I'm a woman on the brink.

His last drunk was on Sunday night after a few days sober. This is such a hard journey for so many reasons.

I'm a mess. My heart aches so badly. I feel that I have done all that I can do as a woman, wife, mother. There is no control over an addict's behavior and decisions. I know this first hand! So I called my therapist. Then I called his addictions specialist and asked him to stop sending home joint materials. That there are marriage counselors, parenting classes available. And if he needs insight into my perspective he can call my personal therapist or psychiatrist.

There is no question here. Just that I'm a person losing it. But losing it sober. Thanks for letting me unload. I feel like I have been keeping his addiction secret and I do not know why. And my heart just hurts. And I appreciate you all on SR. I know there is 'friends and family' but I feel like an addict interloper. So I read in silence.

:grouphug:

((((((verte))))))

Oh Letheverte ((((L))))

im glad your here to unload this sounds like it was heavy on your mind i think if its making you feel like this i agree get some outside mediation

We are all here for you big hugs L

This sounds really tough. I find it helps in situations like this to go back to basics.

1. Your recovering and he is recovery.
I think its right that his addiction specialist knows all of the ins and outs of his addiction and yours. Use this as a strength, talk about your marriage and your children and how your addictions have impacted on them. This will be hear wrenching to say the least, because as addicts we tend to keep our addictions seperate and secret from our "functional lives".

2. Your path.
That being said in my first point, you can only go out on a limb so far, if you go to far it looks like your responsible for your Husbands addiction, which you are not. Fill out the paper work and let that be the end of it.

3. Have a really good cry.
Bottling our emotions is what we addicts do and then it unloads in very negative ways. Have a really good cry and get this all out in the open with your Husband.
This is not going to be an easy journey, but a necessary one.

Finally, keep in mind we control the addiction, do not allow anyone to tell you the addiction controls you.

Congrats on seven months sober! :c011:

And a big :hug: for you. :)

I'm also a double winner. Yay. I post on both sides. They would welcome you with open arms in F&F - that I know for a fact.

I left three men who were addicts. One was my husband - but I was drinking in my marriage, too - it was many years ago. I'm glad you're getting individual help. It is really difficult.

Many couples make it work. Some don't. I'm glad you're talking about it here.

Awww LTV, sorry to hear of your pain . . . as always we've got your back here on SR!! :hug:

Thanks for the hugs. Oh gosh I need them. And turtle - your first hug unleashed a river. My tissue is full of boogies and tears. Soberwolf-it has felt like a complete lead weight in my heart. For SO long. Thanks for your suggestions Aloneatlast. And hugs, Least. Bimini-double winner "chicken dinner" love it! PK-I know it :) SR always has our back. Oh geez, crying again.

I've been leading by example over the last months, with sobriety and personal strength and development. It has rubbed off a little and it makes me smile. But I told my SO that he cannot be accountable to me, that it is something I am not qualified to manage. Ugh. The cry feels so good.

I really appreciate you guys. I have learned so much and relied on this place like a lifeline, you know. The hard times - "I'd like to phone a friend" moments. You are all here ;) Thanks for all the hugs and responses. My heart feels lighter.

Now I have to run out and vote - all puffy and such. I will fix my lipstick though.

Sometimes I'll be going about my day and I'll think "what would LTV's fridge say?!!" :)

I used to make a joke about your fridge, but SR provides soo much wisdom, that without a doubt there's enough support and advice here 24/7 that anyone can find what they are looking for or need at any given time!!

Just like how I imagine your fridge to be LTV!! :ring

Here's another :hug: for you LeTheVerte. I'm so sorry you're sad and upset over this - but so glad you wanted to share your heartfelt thoughts here. I think you've handled it perfectly by speaking up for yourself that way - and refusing to participate in something that feels wrong and unhelpful. Proud of you for those 7 hard-earned months.

My former husband and I drank together too. Ours was not a happy ending, since he was incapable of admitting he needed to stop. I'm glad your husband has sought help and wants this big change in his life.

Oh, LeTheVerte, sweetheart. Hugs and more hugs.

I am glad that you let this out; it must have been so hard to keep it inside.

I venture cautiously into the F&F forums occasionally (cautiously as I find it a bitter pill to read of the pain caused by a loved one's alcoholism) and have found the members there to be wise, insightful and caring. You will be a great addition to those forums.

More hugs, L.

Nothing i will say will help I'm sure. But hang in there verte. You both are making steps in the right direction. Your in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for posting. It means alot. Stay strong friend. You both can do this. All the best for you.

(((ltv))) i could have written this in regards to my son's addiction. i am so glad you have 'spoken'. i found such release in being open about his issues both here and i finally found the courage to speak of it to a trusted family member. i don't know why i felt the need to keep it secret either but it's true - "we are only as sick as our secrets" - it was making me ill.

i am a double winner too and you are showing such strength and wisdom in feeling your feelings and knowing what is yours and also what you cannot do for him. please remember to keep your recovery first, always always always!!! 7 months!!! sooooo awesome!!!

i lost sight of this priority not too long ago and almost lost my sobriety and was losing my recovery. a friend said something just tonight that just resonated with me. he has long term recovery and an adult child who is an addict. he allowed her to live with him in an attempt to help and had to have her leave as he said "i was becoming more of my addiction than my recovery".

be strong and let your recovery shine! sending you love and light and joy! allow joy!

LeTheVerte - I feel so badly for you, but you are strong!! You have helped me immensely with your postings. Please take care of yourself (and your hubby too).

Hugs

Dear LatheVerte,

I wish that I could give you a real hug, not a virtual one. Please know that my thoughts are with you your family.

I feel your pain.

Hi Letheverte, sending hugs and love xxxx

(((LaV)))

As you already seen there are many double winners here - you can expect the same level of amazing support, no matter what your need at that particular moment :)

Best of all possible wishes to you, your family, and your husband :)

D

It is understandable you kept his addiction secret, because that is one of the codes of dysfunction... the "don't talk" part.

Sharing the secrets help us heal :)

Oh Wow, you guys are amazing. A friend in need...

One of the most important things I have learned is that sobriety and recovery are intensely personal. The pain, triumph, circumstance, blips...everything. My husband and I got into it, crying, yelling (me), frustration. The answer to every relationship lies within ourselves. I feel this very strongly. He needs to focus on himself and his heart. His therapist is his and is a professional. Accountable just as I am a professional in my realm and accountable.

My husband and I shared many aspects of our lives before I booted alcohol which I have necessarily had to let go. The 'yes' people and situations no longer serve a purpose, but they remain everywhere. My perspectives have changed regarding many things but the hell of my situation is very private and this is OK only as long as I allow it to be OK. I had no idea what I was heading into with sober-ness. It is still the most beautiful road I could have chosen.

After this Sunday night I started organizing things as if to pack and crawl through an escape hatch. Not a threat, but a means to ease the intense anxiety. It is hard knowing each day that I could walk out the door into our shared life and be handed a glass of wine or a beer without fanfare and the internal rot would continue. As long as the world thinks you are winning? No.

Lovenjoy, "we are only as sick as our secrets". Yes. Thank you. Even if our families, friends turn a blind eye, it will never be OK. The truth is that I feel like a kid. When I was young I chose to go to alanon to try to understand myself. Then said to hell with it. And here I am. I'm sober and I am crying for everything.

Thanks so much to you all. This is the start of true healing for me. Another first in sobriety shared on SR. Thank you so much. I cannot adequately express my appreciation.

*As a caveat I should say that there is no way that I could judge another's situation or experience in life or sobriety. Anything I have written applies to my heart today and is to ease the pain of my situation and should not be applied to yours. If that makes any sense. There are always multiple truths. And I still have so much to learn.

:grouphug:

Soberjennie - very true. You are such a wise and brave woman and I have learned much from you and the lessons you have shared since I joined SR. Thanks. :hug:

Hey Charlie, never underestimate the power of reaching out ;) I'm staying strong. My heart is thawing, I think. Who knew? Thanks.

Thanks to everyone with reaching out and extending good words. Tonight I have an enormous amount of gratitude in my heart. Glad I posted and sent out the Bat Signal. I promise to pay it forward.

My dear soulsister... I wish I knew the words. They are not coming easily at the moment. I am so very glad you unburdened yourself here. As someone who has done a whole lot of it here lately...I know how soft, warm and lovely this SR cushion is. If there is ANYTHING I have learned in this past few weeks of emotional rollercoaster...is I gotta ride it out to the finish. And..dear Lord..it's exhausting..the lurching, the lunging..twisting and turning...
Feel your feelings..but know..perhaps...well, at least for me... I cannot trust my wisdom when I am in fear, pain, anxiety..any negative emotion. I have acted on them..mostly foolishly (but in hindsight...I could not contain it within the seams)

Stay in the cart..buckle up...this will all unfold as it should. Don't try to write your own ending right now...ride this out. I want to share something with you that I read last night that helped me out as I continued to process on the highway today...

"No matter what challenges you face or how difficult things get, the insights and breakthroughs of growth eventually lead to transformation. Personal growth leads to happy endings."

LTV..when I read the line about you calling his addiction counselor and asking that no more joint materials be sent home it was like a knife through butter. That is astonishing clarity. You nailed it.

I believe that relationships endure because of healthy boundaries. We set up boundaries in both positive and negative areas of our lives. This wasn't against him, this was for you.


As an ACOA I spend a lot of time lurking on the friends and family forum here. The saying let go or be dragged really hit home for me, and it sounds like you have already figured this out.

I don't think letting go means the relationship is doomed. I think it means that you have found your footing, he is graced with a real live success story if he is looking for how it is done. But all of us new to recovery are still trying to balance ourselves, trying to pull anyone onto our life raft when it is still tippy means there is a good chance we both might drown.

Somewhere deep down I knew that my husband has pretty healthy boundaries. I wanted to get my own power back before I dissolved into someone who was grateful that he was tolerating me. It sounds like you have been able to vocalize where you are at….bravo.

For what it's worth, my addictions counselor with all these fancy credentials from some fancy rehab ended up being a nightmare. The only reason I stayed sober is because I followed my own heart (with a little help from you all…). But she was MY problem, I had to be the one to take ownership, and then take action.

As difficult as it is right now, I hope you can see the healthy parts of where you are…they are very obvious to me. You have busted your rear end, and it shows.

Sending hugs and support.

LTV, I am so sorry for your pain. My mother is an active alcoholic and the rest of my extended family, are at the least, very heavy drinkers. As I get healthier, I feel the moat between me and my loved ones getting larger and larger and it makes me so sad sometimes. I have no desire to go backwards and they are not at the point of admitting real problems with alcohol, so the chasm is there. I sense my second year of recovery is really going to have to be focused on the real meaning of letting go. Sending prayers of comfort~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(((((LTV))))) - sorry to hear of your struggles, glad to know you are able to face this sober - 7 months yay. Stay strong and keep your wits about you. You are a strong woman and deserve goodness.

My dear friend... this was hard for me to read. You probably know why, I've written like 100 times about my past experience about my relationship with another addict, and what I often describe as an addiction itself (the relationship). How the few years of being together marked both of us in ways that will probably never cease to influence our choices and our actions. I like the quote that Nuu posted above, because that's how I feel it has eventually become for me... a healing transformation, and my life would probably be quite different now without that story, including my career, everything.

I am incredibly proud of you for your strength and ability to build your own recovery of 7 months in this condition. I also completely understand why you did not share this before and I am very glad that you did now. You will see it helps.

So it sounds like your husband also intends to get sober but he is struggling with it. It's great that both of you are getting help individually and I think it's the right thing on your end to say 'no' to stuff you don't feel ready to get into or disagree with. I also understand totally why, in some ways, you are "plotting" your escape... but I agree with the suggestions that you don't focus too much on any possible outcome or unfolding yet. When I was in this sort of situation, one of the most difficult components for most of us was that we got engaged in those dark imaginations, as if not only our relationship, but the whole world was ending... we did that for years. I eventually did escape from it practically/physically, but we still would not let the connection go for a long time. Just saw him after a few years of no contact last week, I wrote about this on my thread... just to learn that he still really has not changed much in his mind and in his life. It was really heartbreaking.

You are handling all this so bravely and with grace, my friend. It's a cliche but I will say what we all say to each-other about similar situations here on SR. Focus on yourself, be as supportive as you realistically can with your husband, try to work on the relationship if you can, but don't let his struggle cut in your now-victory. Things will unfold as you go, both individually and together. Maybe in ways you could have never imagined before, and can't imagine now. This is what happened to me... there is a lot of depth and healing to be found in it if you let the transformation happen and work on it. Knowing you the way I do, I am absolutely certain that you will.

I am with you in thought and so is everyone else here :grouphug:

Wow, I can't top the advice here given by some truly courageous and wise souls.

But I can throw in a hug and lots of thoughts of support for you :)

Hugs LTV! It's a road I've walked. I started on here posting on friends and family before switching to newcomers for my own drinking. I knew I would never recover myself if I didn't let go of trying to control or worrying about him getting sober or whether our marriage would work out. I'm not saying that is what you are experiencing, it's just what I experienced.

And so far letting go has worked out for me. It was a very long and painful and fear infused process though so again, sending you hugs. Setting boundaries is crucial and it sounds as if you have that in hand but support always helps:)

You know. So much of what I read here sticks with me throughout my day. You'd be surprised, Ptcapote. Plus, I can always tell when I need a break because usually I get prickly in my responses on SR.

The last few days I have been walking about my day swearing like a Longshoreman in my head. When this happens, I just know something is up. And when I read that Nuu was going on a road trip, images of some of the most free stretches of my life ran through my head and gave me momentary peace. And I thought "Nuu! Take me with you!" But then your peaceful trip, Nuu, would definitely turn raucous.

You all really inspire me. Your words, strength and actions. All I can think about lately is where did my power go? At what point in my life did I trade in my beautiful, unique strength for just a shell representation of this strength? When did it become preferable to be one thing on the outside and something entirely different within? Well, it was never OK. Not OK now. It takes a lot of work to be something other than one's self. That is not a lesson I wish to pass onto my girls. As messy as I may seem. I love me and yes, deserve TLC and peace.

So Nuu, I'm going on a road trip this weekend as well. Just me and my music! Haennie, I read that you might be getting away also? Just thinking about it gives me peace.

EndGame, you once responded to a poster who was wondering when a person knows they're recovered. You wrote something that sticks with me, about how it is like love, you cannot necessarily describe it, it's just a feeling and you know it. Or something to that effect. Well, that is beautiful and something worth shooting for.

Thanks for the hugs and good words and sharing. So appreciated it. Now I feel that I am a woman who has read her way away from the brink and is no longer on the brink. Progress!