My heart aches so badly
pray for strength
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
My heart aches so badly
Over the past 7months of sobriety I have learned so much about myself and addiction in general. Thank you SR friends and my therapist.
Something I have need written about, primarily because I do not know what to ask or say, is that my husband whom I adore is also an addict.
He recently started his journey with an addictions specialist and has had a go at sobriety. We have 2 little children together. There are no words to describe the challenge that this has been. For everyone. For a really long time.
Today he brought out some materials that his addictions specialist gave him for us to fill out as a couple, regarding marriage and parenting. This follows a marriage book from last week. And I lost it. Crying, sadness, anger, fear. The works. I'm a woman on the brink.
His last drunk was on Sunday night after a few days sober. This is such a hard journey for so many reasons.
I'm a mess. My heart aches so badly. I feel that I have done all that I can do as a woman, wife, mother. There is no control over an addict's behavior and decisions. I know this first hand! So I called my therapist. Then I called his addictions specialist and asked him to stop sending home joint materials. That there are marriage counselors, parenting classes available. And if he needs insight into my perspective he can call my personal therapist or psychiatrist.
There is no question here. Just that I'm a person losing it. But losing it sober. Thanks for letting me unload. I feel like I have been keeping his addiction secret and I do not know why. And my heart just hurts. And I appreciate you all on SR. I know there is 'friends and family' but I feel like an addict interloper. So I read in silence.
Something I have need written about, primarily because I do not know what to ask or say, is that my husband whom I adore is also an addict.
He recently started his journey with an addictions specialist and has had a go at sobriety. We have 2 little children together. There are no words to describe the challenge that this has been. For everyone. For a really long time.
Today he brought out some materials that his addictions specialist gave him for us to fill out as a couple, regarding marriage and parenting. This follows a marriage book from last week. And I lost it. Crying, sadness, anger, fear. The works. I'm a woman on the brink.
His last drunk was on Sunday night after a few days sober. This is such a hard journey for so many reasons.
I'm a mess. My heart aches so badly. I feel that I have done all that I can do as a woman, wife, mother. There is no control over an addict's behavior and decisions. I know this first hand! So I called my therapist. Then I called his addictions specialist and asked him to stop sending home joint materials. That there are marriage counselors, parenting classes available. And if he needs insight into my perspective he can call my personal therapist or psychiatrist.
There is no question here. Just that I'm a person losing it. But losing it sober. Thanks for letting me unload. I feel like I have been keeping his addiction secret and I do not know why. And my heart just hurts. And I appreciate you all on SR. I know there is 'friends and family' but I feel like an addict interloper. So I read in silence.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Manchester
Posts: 104
This sounds really tough. I find it helps in situations like this to go back to basics.
1. Your recovering and he is recovery.
I think its right that his addiction specialist knows all of the ins and outs of his addiction and yours. Use this as a strength, talk about your marriage and your children and how your addictions have impacted on them. This will be hear wrenching to say the least, because as addicts we tend to keep our addictions seperate and secret from our "functional lives".
2. Your path.
That being said in my first point, you can only go out on a limb so far, if you go to far it looks like your responsible for your Husbands addiction, which you are not. Fill out the paper work and let that be the end of it.
3. Have a really good cry.
Bottling our emotions is what we addicts do and then it unloads in very negative ways. Have a really good cry and get this all out in the open with your Husband.
This is not going to be an easy journey, but a necessary one.
Finally, keep in mind we control the addiction, do not allow anyone to tell you the addiction controls you.
1. Your recovering and he is recovery.
I think its right that his addiction specialist knows all of the ins and outs of his addiction and yours. Use this as a strength, talk about your marriage and your children and how your addictions have impacted on them. This will be hear wrenching to say the least, because as addicts we tend to keep our addictions seperate and secret from our "functional lives".
2. Your path.
That being said in my first point, you can only go out on a limb so far, if you go to far it looks like your responsible for your Husbands addiction, which you are not. Fill out the paper work and let that be the end of it.
3. Have a really good cry.
Bottling our emotions is what we addicts do and then it unloads in very negative ways. Have a really good cry and get this all out in the open with your Husband.
This is not going to be an easy journey, but a necessary one.
Finally, keep in mind we control the addiction, do not allow anyone to tell you the addiction controls you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm also a double winner. Yay. I post on both sides. They would welcome you with open arms in F&F - that I know for a fact.
I left three men who were addicts. One was my husband - but I was drinking in my marriage, too - it was many years ago. I'm glad you're getting individual help. It is really difficult.
Many couples make it work. Some don't. I'm glad you're talking about it here.
I left three men who were addicts. One was my husband - but I was drinking in my marriage, too - it was many years ago. I'm glad you're getting individual help. It is really difficult.
Many couples make it work. Some don't. I'm glad you're talking about it here.
pray for strength
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Thanks for the hugs. Oh gosh I need them. And turtle - your first hug unleashed a river. My tissue is full of boogies and tears. Soberwolf-it has felt like a complete lead weight in my heart. For SO long. Thanks for your suggestions Aloneatlast. And hugs, Least. Bimini-double winner "chicken dinner" love it! PK-I know it 
SR always has our back. Oh geez, crying again.
I've been leading by example over the last months, with sobriety and personal strength and development. It has rubbed off a little and it makes me smile. But I told my SO that he cannot be accountable to me, that it is something I am not qualified to manage. Ugh. The cry feels so good.
I really appreciate you guys. I have learned so much and relied on this place like a lifeline, you know. The hard times - "I'd like to phone a friend" moments. You are all here
Thanks for all the hugs and responses. My heart feels lighter.
Now I have to run out and vote - all puffy and such. I will fix my lipstick though.
SR always has our back. Oh geez, crying again.I've been leading by example over the last months, with sobriety and personal strength and development. It has rubbed off a little and it makes me smile. But I told my SO that he cannot be accountable to me, that it is something I am not qualified to manage. Ugh. The cry feels so good.
I really appreciate you guys. I have learned so much and relied on this place like a lifeline, you know. The hard times - "I'd like to phone a friend" moments. You are all here
Thanks for all the hugs and responses. My heart feels lighter.Now I have to run out and vote - all puffy and such. I will fix my lipstick though.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Sometimes I'll be going about my day and I'll think "what would LTV's fridge say?!!"
I used to make a joke about your fridge, but SR provides soo much wisdom, that without a doubt there's enough support and advice here 24/7 that anyone can find what they are looking for or need at any given time!!
Just like how I imagine your fridge to be LTV!!
I used to make a joke about your fridge, but SR provides soo much wisdom, that without a doubt there's enough support and advice here 24/7 that anyone can find what they are looking for or need at any given time!!
Just like how I imagine your fridge to be LTV!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Here's another 
for you LeTheVerte. I'm so sorry you're sad and upset over this - but so glad you wanted to share your heartfelt thoughts here. I think you've handled it perfectly by speaking up for yourself that way - and refusing to participate in something that feels wrong and unhelpful. Proud of you for those 7 hard-earned months.
My former husband and I drank together too. Ours was not a happy ending, since he was incapable of admitting he needed to stop. I'm glad your husband has sought help and wants this big change in his life.
for you LeTheVerte. I'm so sorry you're sad and upset over this - but so glad you wanted to share your heartfelt thoughts here. I think you've handled it perfectly by speaking up for yourself that way - and refusing to participate in something that feels wrong and unhelpful. Proud of you for those 7 hard-earned months.My former husband and I drank together too. Ours was not a happy ending, since he was incapable of admitting he needed to stop. I'm glad your husband has sought help and wants this big change in his life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Oh, LeTheVerte, sweetheart. Hugs and more hugs.
I am glad that you let this out; it must have been so hard to keep it inside.
I venture cautiously into the F&F forums occasionally (cautiously as I find it a bitter pill to read of the pain caused by a loved one's alcoholism) and have found the members there to be wise, insightful and caring. You will be a great addition to those forums.
More hugs, L.
I am glad that you let this out; it must have been so hard to keep it inside.
I venture cautiously into the F&F forums occasionally (cautiously as I find it a bitter pill to read of the pain caused by a loved one's alcoholism) and have found the members there to be wise, insightful and caring. You will be a great addition to those forums.
More hugs, L.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 585
Nothing i will say will help I'm sure. But hang in there verte. You both are making steps in the right direction. Your in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for posting. It means alot. Stay strong friend. You both can do this. All the best for you.
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by LeTheVerte 
I feel like I have been keeping his addiction secret and I do not know why. And my heart just hurts.
i am a double winner too and you are showing such strength and wisdom in feeling your feelings and knowing what is yours and also what you cannot do for him. please remember to keep your recovery first, always always always!!! 7 months!!! sooooo awesome!!!
i lost sight of this priority not too long ago and almost lost my sobriety and was losing my recovery. a friend said something just tonight that just resonated with me. he has long term recovery and an adult child who is an addict. he allowed her to live with him in an attempt to help and had to have her leave as he said "i was becoming more of my addiction than my recovery".
be strong and let your recovery shine! sending you love and light and joy! allow joy!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
(((LaV)))
As you already seen there are many double winners here - you can expect the same level of amazing support, no matter what your need at that particular moment
Best of all possible wishes to you, your family, and your husband
D
As you already seen there are many double winners here - you can expect the same level of amazing support, no matter what your need at that particular moment
Best of all possible wishes to you, your family, and your husband
D
pray for strength
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Oh Wow, you guys are amazing. A friend in need...
One of the most important things I have learned is that sobriety and recovery are intensely personal. The pain, triumph, circumstance, blips...everything. My husband and I got into it, crying, yelling (me), frustration. The answer to every relationship lies within ourselves. I feel this very strongly. He needs to focus on himself and his heart. His therapist is his and is a professional. Accountable just as I am a professional in my realm and accountable.
My husband and I shared many aspects of our lives before I booted alcohol which I have necessarily had to let go. The 'yes' people and situations no longer serve a purpose, but they remain everywhere. My perspectives have changed regarding many things but the hell of my situation is very private and this is OK only as long as I allow it to be OK. I had no idea what I was heading into with sober-ness. It is still the most beautiful road I could have chosen.
After this Sunday night I started organizing things as if to pack and crawl through an escape hatch. Not a threat, but a means to ease the intense anxiety. It is hard knowing each day that I could walk out the door into our shared life and be handed a glass of wine or a beer without fanfare and the internal rot would continue. As long as the world thinks you are winning? No.
Lovenjoy, "we are only as sick as our secrets". Yes. Thank you. Even if our families, friends turn a blind eye, it will never be OK. The truth is that I feel like a kid. When I was young I chose to go to alanon to try to understand myself. Then said to hell with it. And here I am. I'm sober and I am crying for everything.
Thanks so much to you all. This is the start of true healing for me. Another first in sobriety shared on SR. Thank you so much. I cannot adequately express my appreciation.
*As a caveat I should say that there is no way that I could judge another's situation or experience in life or sobriety. Anything I have written applies to my heart today and is to ease the pain of my situation and should not be applied to yours. If that makes any sense. There are always multiple truths. And I still have so much to learn.
One of the most important things I have learned is that sobriety and recovery are intensely personal. The pain, triumph, circumstance, blips...everything. My husband and I got into it, crying, yelling (me), frustration. The answer to every relationship lies within ourselves. I feel this very strongly. He needs to focus on himself and his heart. His therapist is his and is a professional. Accountable just as I am a professional in my realm and accountable.
My husband and I shared many aspects of our lives before I booted alcohol which I have necessarily had to let go. The 'yes' people and situations no longer serve a purpose, but they remain everywhere. My perspectives have changed regarding many things but the hell of my situation is very private and this is OK only as long as I allow it to be OK. I had no idea what I was heading into with sober-ness. It is still the most beautiful road I could have chosen.
After this Sunday night I started organizing things as if to pack and crawl through an escape hatch. Not a threat, but a means to ease the intense anxiety. It is hard knowing each day that I could walk out the door into our shared life and be handed a glass of wine or a beer without fanfare and the internal rot would continue. As long as the world thinks you are winning? No.
Lovenjoy, "we are only as sick as our secrets". Yes. Thank you. Even if our families, friends turn a blind eye, it will never be OK. The truth is that I feel like a kid. When I was young I chose to go to alanon to try to understand myself. Then said to hell with it. And here I am. I'm sober and I am crying for everything.
Thanks so much to you all. This is the start of true healing for me. Another first in sobriety shared on SR. Thank you so much. I cannot adequately express my appreciation.
*As a caveat I should say that there is no way that I could judge another's situation or experience in life or sobriety. Anything I have written applies to my heart today and is to ease the pain of my situation and should not be applied to yours. If that makes any sense. There are always multiple truths. And I still have so much to learn.
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