I'm feeling confused
 

Hello all, day 12 here and starting to feel much better.
I'm frustrated though and confused. Last night I attended a wedding where there was plenty of wine.
I had a day yesterday that had I not been taking my antabuse I feel pretty sure I would have gone ahead and drank. Despite my very strong desire not to.
I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. I don't understand how I can hold two very conflicting ideas of what I want in my mind. I feel so strong and determined in my stance that I do not want to drink ever again. I am seeking out help where I can and taking antabuse to prevent myself from drinking. Yet I also feel fairly sure- just being honest here- that I really would have decided "screw it" and drank wine last night. This scares me a lot.
I am thankful to have the medication as a back up right now, but I really want to get to the place that I am not conflicted before going off the medication.
I have a feeling I will hear "when you are ready, you are ready" "you have to want sobriety" but the thing is I FEEL like I DO. I really do! I promise you this. I want sobriety, I do not want to drink. In my rational, healthy mind this is how I whole-heartedly feel. Yet at the very same time I also know that I am weak when it comes to my desire for alcohol. I am terrified that unless I unlock this bit I am not going to make progress.
I feel like a fraud that I can come on here and spout off about how much I want sobriety yet, again, if I am being honest, know that I would have very easily given in to my desires and drank last night.
The crazy thing is, the cravings where the worst when I was on the way to the wedding. When I was actually at the table I had a slight pang of jealousy or desire (not sure how to describe it) but not raving cravings. I was ok to have water and felt happy to be doing so. The only thing that bothered me at the wedding was the fact that I was not drinking (in my mind) because of the antabuse, therefore also knowing that I would have drunk- despite the absence of severe cravings- just because.
Can anyone understand this? I know I can't be alone in this cycle of dual and conflicting though processes.
The important thing is that I am sober for now. But I am trying to put a plan in place for growth, personal development and future sobriety. I know that in order to remain sober I must find a way to shift my mindset. Help!

I guess that's what makes us alcoholics in a way. I worry a little about how long that debate will occupy so much of my time.

I know that's not help, other than telling you I understand and share your concerns. Frankly, I'm trying not to overthink it too much right now...

Yes, it's totally normal. They say cravings usually last about seven minutes. If you can grit it out for seven minutes, you will be past the worst part of the temptation.

Granted, there may be a lot of seven minute stretches in the course of a week; but you'll get used to withstanding them.

There are horrible, horrible cravings in the beginning. The important thing is to not give in to them.

You can't control what pops into your head, but you can control what you do about it.

It's still early and the cravings have not yet subsided for you, but they will, as long as you keep at it.

Personally, and this is just 'my' opinion, the antabuse could be dragging out the process where you need to decide in your mind that drinking is no longer an option. Right now, you don't really need to decide that because you have the antabuse backing you up. And, that's why you AV is speaking loudly to you, in my opinion.

I have a terrible fear that you are completely correct Anna. But I don't know what do do. I want to stop drinking so badly that I will take it any way it comes, and right now that is with the medication. I am fairly certain that in order to have any long-lasting success I will need to sort this out.
The problem is I don't know how. I did not and do not expect this to be easy. I know that I have to want sobriety more than I want alcohol, I know that I will have to fight through cravings, I know that I will need to see myself as a non-drinker, I know that I need to surrender, I know all this. But knowing it and actually living it are two different things and therein lies my problem.

How do I get there? I am genuinely asking. I hear of people saying "I got sick and tired of being sick and tired" "I am a non drinker now" "I have embraced sobriety" I feel like I really feel those things. But my actions speak louder than my words. I tend to think of myself as a pretty self-aware, grounded person. But obviously, very obviously there is a disconnect here. I am not so self aware and not so grounded as I clearly seem to have one set of beliefs about who I am and what I want and yet am not mature or assimilated enough to actually follow through in reality. I honestly feel like a lunatic.

I agree w Ms. Anna. It's your AV battling your rational self. Recognize this, be aware that thoughts are just thoughts and be prepared to deal with the consequences of letting your AV win. The AV can scream and kick, but you don't have to give in. Remember: we make it how we want it. Use all the tools we have learned here, play the tape, have a plan and recognize The difference between your AV and YOU and the person you want to be. Stay strong and know you are not alone. You are getting some time under your belt. Imagine how crappy it is to start over. We can do this bella!

I've found, as the author here did, there are three very distinct parts of this problem:

A.A. Recovery - The Missing Piece: The Spiritual Malady

Yes, Mera. You are absolutely not alone in this, and it's not even specific to addicts/addiction. The phenomenon is known as Cognitive Dissonance and it's part of everyday life and thinking processes for all of us. It's a process that often leads to rationalizing our desires and feelings, even if they are negative. There are specific implications in the context of addiction/recovery, as you have recognized so well.

I would be surprised if anyone did not struggle with this in early sobriety - I certainly did, a lot. Also while I was a drinker but no longer in denial about the problem, that was much worse in terms of these internal conflicts.

This brief article discusses it a bit and you can find a ton of info online.
Cognitive Dissonance in Addiction and Recovery | Alcohol Rehab

There are many ways to deal with these conflicts, suggested methods, etc. What tends to work best for me personally is NOT trying to resolve the conflict. Just view it, let it be, and let it go. You may find it's not very stable, it raises and dissipates, just like feelings and emotions. I think that many of our turmoils, poor decisions, and destructive behaviors occur because we try to compulsively get rid of our internal conflicts, to make sense of them, find consistency, etc. You already know very clearly what the right decision is, so in a way, the "dissonance" is clearly the result of your feelings, cravings, and that you are struggling with acceptance at the moment. My suggestion is that you don't let yourself get too hooked on seemingly contradictory thoughts and desires, don't introspect on them excessively.

I did not get to this place until I completely embraced Rational Recovery and RSVT. I did not want to drink. My addiction wanted to drink. My addictive voice would battle with me, and I even gave it power by arguing back. I felt insane. INSANE.

Then, like a light clicking on, it hit me. I did not have to listen to that stupid, stupid voice. It had no power, it could not make me do anything. I pictured it in my head as a big (it was big, at the time) creature, with beady eyes. Then I chained it in a basement, heavy metal collar, no food (my attention) and no water (my drinking.) When it spoke, I ignored it, and after a time, it's eyes grew dim and it could barely pick up it's head, because I wouldn't feed it with my attention or my drinking. The Beast got weaker, and I got stronger. Every day, I felt power because I was making the choice to ignore my addictive voice.

I finally feel like my outsides match my insides. And while it took a long while to get here- years, in fact, once I GOT it, once I DECIDED I was finished- it was no longer a battle or a question or a debate. As long as you are debating- that voice will not shut up. It is persistent and tricky and patient. But if you DECIDE you will never drink again, and BELIEVE it, it becomes completely powerless.

Just my two cents, Meraviglioso. Do not doubt your power or your ferocity in this fight. You can do this.

Mera, I've been following your posts.

I think you are a person who needs a program. You need daily accountablility and you need assignments.

I didn't have a particularly hard time quitting this past March, BUT I quit once before for 18 years, so I knew the drill. I had a very difficult first month though, and I still have moments nearly every day where that thought comes in. It's just a thought, like any other thought. It has no power. Will it ever go away? I believe it will with time.

When I quit in my early thirties, I needed a lot of introspection. As a matter of fact I made no real effort to stop drinking, it just fell by the wayside in my quest for a happier life. I read every book I could get my hands on about human relationships - self-help/religious/psychology. I was suffering with an inability to do the right things for myself on many levels and drinking was just a symptom.

I don't still go to AA, but the very first assignment my sponsor gave me was to write down on paper (or computer) a chronological story about my drinking. All the stories I could remember - from day one.

It is a powerful exercise. Maybe you could try it. I think you're still struggling with the fact that you have a fatal progressive problem and you still aren't at step one. The very first thing you have to "get" is that you have this problem - and it's a problem of only a small percentage of people, so none of us want to be that one. It was something I didn't want to admit, but it is the truth. Looking at my story, there is no other conclusion to be drawn.

I've said throughout your threads that you don't need the Antabuse. You don't. You need to understand just how bad it was and how bad it can get. Acceptance is the answer. Find a program - even if it is here for two hours a day. Read everything - every book you can find - stay involved in the solution. Buy the Alcoholics Anonymous book. You can buy it at a meeting - I know you don't want to go to meetings, but you can pop in and buy the book. Every program has helpful literature - I would read all of them - AVRT, Lifering, Women in Recovery, AA. See what resonates with you.

They have it online, too.

I had to get to the point of admitting to my inner most self I was truly an alcoholic. Until I did there was little hope for me. During my first couple meetings I met people who where yellow - both skin color and eyes. One is no longer with us....

I had to wrap my heard around the fact this WILL KILL ME either through disease or circumstances.
I do post when one is ready and willing. I don't take those comments lightly. For me I had to recognize this would be deadly and did not want that as my epitaph. But without willingness = no booze at ANY cost, for any reason I simply was not ready.


In the last few days I have read on this forum others ( must be at least one year sober) stories of recovery. Perhaps if you have not, consider reading some. You'll find our SR friends stories including Dee's - while different in each case, there is a common thread. Many recognized death, jail or grave as the options for continuing to drink. This qualified them as willing and ready. They posted these to help others....
My mother died of pancreatic cancer due to alcoholism. Never attempted nor admitted she was an alcohol - raised family, high bottom so to speak. Lived to the ripe old age of 60.
Her only sibling is now 85 and seldom drinks. Still going strong. This also made me ready....

We all struggle - myself included.
Those are some things that pushed me to true honesty with myself and hope....

peace

Gilmer, you mean the AA book? Yeah, the first 164 pages is online. But for $8 it is worth having at home. The many stories in the back aren't online, I don't think - or are they?

Link to BB online - pdf download. Complete 4th edition with all appendices and stories....
Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous


peace

Thank you everyone, this is all great information.
I just get so frustrated because it is really simple- just.don't.drink I KNOW that I am making this more complicated than it needs to be, I KNOW this. So why do I continue with this self-indulgent, over-contemplation and frankly pathetic whining???
Flynbuy, I truly appreciate what you have said. At the risk of sounding argumentative or worse, in denial, I DO feel like I have accepted that I am an alcoholic. I DO know that this will kill me and ruin my life. I DO NOT want to ever drink again and KNOW I can't. I am seriously terrified that I may very well be so far in denial I have convinced myself to the contrary. What else could explain this lack of achievement or at a minimum, correct mindset?
Bleh. Sorry folks, I don't like being so negative. I am starting to dig myself deeper into this whole than I need to go I think. For now I need to back up and just not drink tonight. I'll get back to the psychological heavy lifting tomorrow.
Again, your insights are so valued and appreciated. And what patience you all have! I am boring myself to tears over here and grating my every last nerve with this over-analytical BS, I can only imagine how I must come across to "strangers" over the internet. Consider myself slapped silly on all of your behalves!

I'm in a large conference room on back row at a meeting (stuff being presented now that is very repetitive) your last sentence made me chuckle out loud....my face is red.....but not from drinking.

I absolutely love the honesty and openness in this thread. Currently, I am not struggling, but I have and will. VERY thankful we can have these discussions about what others experience and what has helped. I know that when I discovered AVRT thanks to a fellow SRer, it resonated in my like nothing else I'd heard before. As someone mentioned earlier, keep reading and researching about solutions. I studied nutrition at the beginning of my recovery bc I figured if I could give my body what it needed to be well, it wouldn't crave the poison as much. That has helped me a lot bc it took my focus off of alcohol and focused it strongly at wellness. Anything that didn't fit into my wellness plan was off the table.

Mera, you are being honest and open and you are listening. Those things are so important. Have faith that you will get this and be free. :)

Thank you so much for this, I needed to hear that. I cannot wait to finally be free. Twelve days is nothing to shake a stick at (as we say where I come from :) ) but I've got a ways to go, I know that. I can't wait!

Mera - I swear, you must be in my head. I wear flip flops for a reason....cause I flip flop all over the place. I don't drink. I want a drink. I am ok never drinking again. WHAT? you mean I never can have a drink on vacation? Maybe because I wasn't at the point of jail...or serious illness...but I realize that I was on that path. I dunno. 12 days in and I guess it gets better. I do know that I am not to pick up the next drink but that doesn't mean it doesn't bother me.

Mera - Give yourself time. For me, as time went on, those conflicting mindsets did even out and come together into one sober self. I remember one instance in early sobriety, I'd had a bad day and on the way to a gathering at my sister's house, I made up my mind that I would drink. Like you I wanted sobriety, but I felt like I was compelled to drink, it was my natural reaction to so many situations. Luckily for me she had no wine and I did not drink that day. The urge passed and I made it through. But I was upset with myself because I know I would've drank and would've easily thrown my sobriety away. I posted about it. Dee, and some other wise friends here, told me that thoughts are just thoughts and the important thing was that I did not drink - that I can control my actions and I can overcome these thought processes. It was a learning experience and gave me some strength for the next time. Give yourself time, whether it's the antabuse or not, it doesn't matter. You aren't drinking and you are figuring out what you need to do to keep it that way. Stay sober today no matter what and then do it again tomorrow. It took time for my strong desire for sobriety and my natural reactions to drink to come into balance, but they did. It does get easier to control your thoughts and stop them from becoming actions - just have faith and hang on.

I don't know why either, but I know exactly how you feel.

Mera,

I'm only on day 6 but I totally relate to you. I have been battling this for years - I know 100% I'm an alcoholic, HATE it, will resolve all day not to drink, and then would walk by our fridge or bar and just grab a bottle and put it in my mouth. It made no sense. We got rid of all alcohol - first we boxed it up, duct-taped everything closed and put it in our unfinished gross basement. Couple days later, I broke into it and sat in the gross room where all the roaches go to die and did shots of vodka. Hating every minute of it.

So, I'm on day 6 and feel 100% better physically, but this is this part of me that is scared to death of just grabbing a bottle and guzzling it. There is a part inside of me that just says "screw it." I feel like i"m holding onto sobriety with a death-grip because I'm so afraid of losing it, but at the same time know I'm only battling myself, because no-one else is trying to take it away.

When I went to an AA meeting yesterday, they had the 12 steps posted on the wall. I remember one of them said something along the line of "realizing a higher power was the only one who could restore our sanity." And that's' when it hit me. I'm not sure if this is really an allergy or disease or whatever, but for me, I am 100% certain its a type of mental illness - an insanity. So I feel a little better knowing that I am, in fact, actually crazy. But like many crazy people, there are steps I can take to restore my sanity. Not sure what the process is or how long it will take. I'm just going to continue to go to AA meetings and holding onto this sobriety as tightly as I can, and hope that someday it gets easier.

Also, one other helpful thing I heard in AA was that alcohol is a "mental obsession" and to think about how much time you spend each day, even while sober, just THINKING about alcohol. Thinking about wanting it, thinking about avoiding it, but always thinking about it. I hope to God that goes away at some point - its like I'm wasting 10 hours a day just THINKING about it. And that's how I know I have a problem, because no-one who doesn't have an obsession thinks about anything that much.

So I guess I'm saying, for myself, I'm trying to accept that I'm actually "sick". And like all illnesses, it takes time to get better and and even more time to get back to where you were before the illness. And I'm just clinging to hope that this will all get easier. . . . eventually.

You're overthinking it, Mera. You know you're overthinking it. And you KNOW you know you're overthinking it. :D I completely agree with Anna. That's exactly where your AV wants you, in your head, worried and confused. It's a conniving beast but it's not THAT complex. It doesn't want you to know the truth - that YOU'VE GOT THIS. You have COMPLETE CONTROL over the first drink. YOU CAN do this, with antabuse, without antabuse, YOU CAN do this. Stop being afraid of accepting that and stop giving control to your AV. Also, don't credit antabuse too much. It is YOU who are not drinking, and you CAN do it every day. I really wish this next step and shift in mindset for you, Mera. :hug: But in the meantime, one day at the time is enough. One day at the time is BRILLIANT. YOU'VE GOT THIS, keep going!

I knew logically that drinking was killing me and making me into someone I hated.
But addiction knows no logic.

Is it necessary for you to be around weddings etc right now Mera?

D

This ^^^!

Brilliant, Melki

I'd like to weigh in with Melki and suggest that you're obsessing a little bit about drinking - and that's part of the psychological aspect of the disease.

Maybe when you find your brilliant self falling into this habit of rumination (I do this about my sons, money, education, job, etc. so am a pro at it) -- you can catch yourself and focus on the moment in which you are living. Breathe. Replace those ruminating thoughts with ANYTHING positive -- a favorite quote, poem, even a Christmas carols or happy song will work. It's all about re-training your brain; and, to me it seems that you have one powerful and well-educated mind that is giving you fits.

Slow down, girl. It will all be okay. One breath at a time. :-)

Do NOT drink on antibuse. It will get you a trip to the hospital and in some states they will baker-act you (or commit you for 72 hours). And it takes about 2 weeks to completely clear your system. If you are planning a relapse, wait at least 2 weeks to be safe. I've been on antibuse for 6 months and it's helped me tremendously. As I've gained more sobriety I'm mentally coming to terms that I can't drink. I don't think I would have got this far without the antibuse, don't let some people tell you that you need to do it on your own. There's nothing wrong with a back-up plan until you have a solid recovery plan in place. For me I needed the time away from the drink to come to terms with how my thinking was flawed. I don't even really think about drinking anymore. When I do, I think how I wouldn't want to lose how much I've gained getting sober.

Mera,

the conflicting desires and wants, and the ambivalence, no whole-heartedness in one direction...i've been there, too.
it won't help you when i say i had a moment of clarity after more than thirty years of drinking and struggling, thirty years of knowing and accepting i had a problem and wanting to be rid of it desperately yet repeatedly returning to drinking when it was so obvious i couldn't have both: sobriety and drink.
in the clarity-moment i knew i was a drunk. not a person with drinking problem, but a goddamn drunk. something changed for me in that moment, and though i still had moments of "gottadrink!" wannagottawannaneedtoDRINK!!!" they were irrelevant.

(me telling you this won't help because i have no recipe for MAKING that moment of clarity happen. but maybe you can get something out of how it was afterwards...)

they were irrelevant because they were distractions from the big overarching desperate want for sobriety. i knew they'd come, these wants for drink, and that in the moment they might be powerful. but not fighting them, just accepting them as temporary and not being relevant to what i really whole-heartedly wanted made all the difference.
no fighting them, just more-or-less an: oh, here you are again..gee, still hanging around", and i'd look to see what was going on that might have prompted the "want", as i figured it would tell me something about where i was at, not about drinking/not drinking but behind that: how was i feeling? left out? lonely? envious? angry?...that kind of thing because THOSE things i could find better ways of dealing with. or learn new ones. it wasn't hopeless at all

no idea if any of this helps, but take heart! day twelve is great, and one thing you can count on is change.