I'm feeling confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I'm feeling confused
Hello all, day 12 here and starting to feel much better.
I'm frustrated though and confused. Last night I attended a wedding where there was plenty of wine.
I had a day yesterday that had I not been taking my antabuse I feel pretty sure I would have gone ahead and drank. Despite my very strong desire not to.
I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. I don't understand how I can hold two very conflicting ideas of what I want in my mind. I feel so strong and determined in my stance that I do not want to drink ever again. I am seeking out help where I can and taking antabuse to prevent myself from drinking. Yet I also feel fairly sure- just being honest here- that I really would have decided "screw it" and drank wine last night. This scares me a lot.
I am thankful to have the medication as a back up right now, but I really want to get to the place that I am not conflicted before going off the medication.
I have a feeling I will hear "when you are ready, you are ready" "you have to want sobriety" but the thing is I FEEL like I DO. I really do! I promise you this. I want sobriety, I do not want to drink. In my rational, healthy mind this is how I whole-heartedly feel. Yet at the very same time I also know that I am weak when it comes to my desire for alcohol. I am terrified that unless I unlock this bit I am not going to make progress.
I feel like a fraud that I can come on here and spout off about how much I want sobriety yet, again, if I am being honest, know that I would have very easily given in to my desires and drank last night.
The crazy thing is, the cravings where the worst when I was on the way to the wedding. When I was actually at the table I had a slight pang of jealousy or desire (not sure how to describe it) but not raving cravings. I was ok to have water and felt happy to be doing so. The only thing that bothered me at the wedding was the fact that I was not drinking (in my mind) because of the antabuse, therefore also knowing that I would have drunk- despite the absence of severe cravings- just because.
Can anyone understand this? I know I can't be alone in this cycle of dual and conflicting though processes.
The important thing is that I am sober for now. But I am trying to put a plan in place for growth, personal development and future sobriety. I know that in order to remain sober I must find a way to shift my mindset. Help!
I'm frustrated though and confused. Last night I attended a wedding where there was plenty of wine.
I had a day yesterday that had I not been taking my antabuse I feel pretty sure I would have gone ahead and drank. Despite my very strong desire not to.
I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. I don't understand how I can hold two very conflicting ideas of what I want in my mind. I feel so strong and determined in my stance that I do not want to drink ever again. I am seeking out help where I can and taking antabuse to prevent myself from drinking. Yet I also feel fairly sure- just being honest here- that I really would have decided "screw it" and drank wine last night. This scares me a lot.
I am thankful to have the medication as a back up right now, but I really want to get to the place that I am not conflicted before going off the medication.
I have a feeling I will hear "when you are ready, you are ready" "you have to want sobriety" but the thing is I FEEL like I DO. I really do! I promise you this. I want sobriety, I do not want to drink. In my rational, healthy mind this is how I whole-heartedly feel. Yet at the very same time I also know that I am weak when it comes to my desire for alcohol. I am terrified that unless I unlock this bit I am not going to make progress.
I feel like a fraud that I can come on here and spout off about how much I want sobriety yet, again, if I am being honest, know that I would have very easily given in to my desires and drank last night.
The crazy thing is, the cravings where the worst when I was on the way to the wedding. When I was actually at the table I had a slight pang of jealousy or desire (not sure how to describe it) but not raving cravings. I was ok to have water and felt happy to be doing so. The only thing that bothered me at the wedding was the fact that I was not drinking (in my mind) because of the antabuse, therefore also knowing that I would have drunk- despite the absence of severe cravings- just because.
Can anyone understand this? I know I can't be alone in this cycle of dual and conflicting though processes.
The important thing is that I am sober for now. But I am trying to put a plan in place for growth, personal development and future sobriety. I know that in order to remain sober I must find a way to shift my mindset. Help!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Yes, it's totally normal. They say cravings usually last about seven minutes. If you can grit it out for seven minutes, you will be past the worst part of the temptation.
Granted, there may be a lot of seven minute stretches in the course of a week; but you'll get used to withstanding them.
There are horrible, horrible cravings in the beginning. The important thing is to not give in to them.
You can't control what pops into your head, but you can control what you do about it.
Granted, there may be a lot of seven minute stretches in the course of a week; but you'll get used to withstanding them.
There are horrible, horrible cravings in the beginning. The important thing is to not give in to them.
You can't control what pops into your head, but you can control what you do about it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
It's still early and the cravings have not yet subsided for you, but they will, as long as you keep at it.
Personally, and this is just 'my' opinion, the antabuse could be dragging out the process where you need to decide in your mind that drinking is no longer an option. Right now, you don't really need to decide that because you have the antabuse backing you up. And, that's why you AV is speaking loudly to you, in my opinion.
Personally, and this is just 'my' opinion, the antabuse could be dragging out the process where you need to decide in your mind that drinking is no longer an option. Right now, you don't really need to decide that because you have the antabuse backing you up. And, that's why you AV is speaking loudly to you, in my opinion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by Anna 
Personally, and this is just 'my' opinion, the antabuse could be dragging out the process where you need to decide in your mind that drinking is no longer an option. Right now, you don't really need to decide that because you have the antabuse backing you up. And, that's why you AV is speaking loudly to you, in my opinion.
The problem is I don't know how. I did not and do not expect this to be easy. I know that I have to want sobriety more than I want alcohol, I know that I will have to fight through cravings, I know that I will need to see myself as a non-drinker, I know that I need to surrender, I know all this. But knowing it and actually living it are two different things and therein lies my problem.
How do I get there? I am genuinely asking. I hear of people saying "I got sick and tired of being sick and tired" "I am a non drinker now" "I have embraced sobriety" I feel like I really feel those things. But my actions speak louder than my words. I tend to think of myself as a pretty self-aware, grounded person. But obviously, very obviously there is a disconnect here. I am not so self aware and not so grounded as I clearly seem to have one set of beliefs about who I am and what I want and yet am not mature or assimilated enough to actually follow through in reality. I honestly feel like a lunatic.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
I agree w Ms. Anna. It's your AV battling your rational self. Recognize this, be aware that thoughts are just thoughts and be prepared to deal with the consequences of letting your AV win. The AV can scream and kick, but you don't have to give in. Remember: we make it how we want it. Use all the tools we have learned here, play the tape, have a plan and recognize The difference between your AV and YOU and the person you want to be. Stay strong and know you are not alone. You are getting some time under your belt. Imagine how crappy it is to start over. We can do this bella!
Recovered from Hopeless State
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey, USA
Posts: 2,156
I've found, as the author here did, there are three very distinct parts of this problem:
A.A. Recovery - The Missing Piece: The Spiritual Malady
A.A. Recovery - The Missing Piece: The Spiritual Malady
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
Can anyone understand this? I know I can't be alone in this cycle of dual and conflicting though processes.
I would be surprised if anyone did not struggle with this in early sobriety - I certainly did, a lot. Also while I was a drinker but no longer in denial about the problem, that was much worse in terms of these internal conflicts.
This brief article discusses it a bit and you can find a ton of info online.
Cognitive Dissonance in Addiction and Recovery | Alcohol Rehab
There are many ways to deal with these conflicts, suggested methods, etc. What tends to work best for me personally is NOT trying to resolve the conflict. Just view it, let it be, and let it go. You may find it's not very stable, it raises and dissipates, just like feelings and emotions. I think that many of our turmoils, poor decisions, and destructive behaviors occur because we try to compulsively get rid of our internal conflicts, to make sense of them, find consistency, etc. You already know very clearly what the right decision is, so in a way, the "dissonance" is clearly the result of your feelings, cravings, and that you are struggling with acceptance at the moment. My suggestion is that you don't let yourself get too hooked on seemingly contradictory thoughts and desires, don't introspect on them excessively.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
How do I get there? I am genuinely asking. I hear of people saying "I got sick and tired of being sick and tired" "I am a non drinker now" "I have embraced sobriety" I feel like I really feel those things. But my actions speak louder than my words. I tend to think of myself as a pretty self-aware, grounded person. But obviously, very obviously there is a disconnect here. I am not so self aware and not so grounded as I clearly seem to have one set of beliefs about who I am and what I want and yet am not mature or assimilated enough to actually follow through in reality. I honestly feel like a lunatic.
Then, like a light clicking on, it hit me. I did not have to listen to that stupid, stupid voice. It had no power, it could not make me do anything. I pictured it in my head as a big (it was big, at the time) creature, with beady eyes. Then I chained it in a basement, heavy metal collar, no food (my attention) and no water (my drinking.) When it spoke, I ignored it, and after a time, it's eyes grew dim and it could barely pick up it's head, because I wouldn't feed it with my attention or my drinking. The Beast got weaker, and I got stronger. Every day, I felt power because I was making the choice to ignore my addictive voice.
I finally feel like my outsides match my insides. And while it took a long while to get here- years, in fact, once I GOT it, once I DECIDED I was finished- it was no longer a battle or a question or a debate. As long as you are debating- that voice will not shut up. It is persistent and tricky and patient. But if you DECIDE you will never drink again, and BELIEVE it, it becomes completely powerless.
Just my two cents, Meraviglioso. Do not doubt your power or your ferocity in this fight. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Mera, I've been following your posts.
I think you are a person who needs a program. You need daily accountablility and you need assignments.
I didn't have a particularly hard time quitting this past March, BUT I quit once before for 18 years, so I knew the drill. I had a very difficult first month though, and I still have moments nearly every day where that thought comes in. It's just a thought, like any other thought. It has no power. Will it ever go away? I believe it will with time.
When I quit in my early thirties, I needed a lot of introspection. As a matter of fact I made no real effort to stop drinking, it just fell by the wayside in my quest for a happier life. I read every book I could get my hands on about human relationships - self-help/religious/psychology. I was suffering with an inability to do the right things for myself on many levels and drinking was just a symptom.
I don't still go to AA, but the very first assignment my sponsor gave me was to write down on paper (or computer) a chronological story about my drinking. All the stories I could remember - from day one.
It is a powerful exercise. Maybe you could try it. I think you're still struggling with the fact that you have a fatal progressive problem and you still aren't at step one. The very first thing you have to "get" is that you have this problem - and it's a problem of only a small percentage of people, so none of us want to be that one. It was something I didn't want to admit, but it is the truth. Looking at my story, there is no other conclusion to be drawn.
I've said throughout your threads that you don't need the Antabuse. You don't. You need to understand just how bad it was and how bad it can get. Acceptance is the answer. Find a program - even if it is here for two hours a day. Read everything - every book you can find - stay involved in the solution. Buy the Alcoholics Anonymous book. You can buy it at a meeting - I know you don't want to go to meetings, but you can pop in and buy the book. Every program has helpful literature - I would read all of them - AVRT, Lifering, Women in Recovery, AA. See what resonates with you.
I think you are a person who needs a program. You need daily accountablility and you need assignments.
I didn't have a particularly hard time quitting this past March, BUT I quit once before for 18 years, so I knew the drill. I had a very difficult first month though, and I still have moments nearly every day where that thought comes in. It's just a thought, like any other thought. It has no power. Will it ever go away? I believe it will with time.
When I quit in my early thirties, I needed a lot of introspection. As a matter of fact I made no real effort to stop drinking, it just fell by the wayside in my quest for a happier life. I read every book I could get my hands on about human relationships - self-help/religious/psychology. I was suffering with an inability to do the right things for myself on many levels and drinking was just a symptom.
I don't still go to AA, but the very first assignment my sponsor gave me was to write down on paper (or computer) a chronological story about my drinking. All the stories I could remember - from day one.
It is a powerful exercise. Maybe you could try it. I think you're still struggling with the fact that you have a fatal progressive problem and you still aren't at step one. The very first thing you have to "get" is that you have this problem - and it's a problem of only a small percentage of people, so none of us want to be that one. It was something I didn't want to admit, but it is the truth. Looking at my story, there is no other conclusion to be drawn.
I've said throughout your threads that you don't need the Antabuse. You don't. You need to understand just how bad it was and how bad it can get. Acceptance is the answer. Find a program - even if it is here for two hours a day. Read everything - every book you can find - stay involved in the solution. Buy the Alcoholics Anonymous book. You can buy it at a meeting - I know you don't want to go to meetings, but you can pop in and buy the book. Every program has helpful literature - I would read all of them - AVRT, Lifering, Women in Recovery, AA. See what resonates with you.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I had to get to the point of admitting to my inner most self I was truly an alcoholic. Until I did there was little hope for me. During my first couple meetings I met people who where yellow - both skin color and eyes. One is no longer with us....
I had to wrap my heard around the fact this WILL KILL ME either through disease or circumstances.
I do post when one is ready and willing. I don't take those comments lightly. For me I had to recognize this would be deadly and did not want that as my epitaph. But without willingness = no booze at ANY cost, for any reason I simply was not ready.
In the last few days I have read on this forum others ( must be at least one year sober) stories of recovery. Perhaps if you have not, consider reading some. You'll find our SR friends stories including Dee's - while different in each case, there is a common thread. Many recognized death, jail or grave as the options for continuing to drink. This qualified them as willing and ready. They posted these to help others....
My mother died of pancreatic cancer due to alcoholism. Never attempted nor admitted she was an alcohol - raised family, high bottom so to speak. Lived to the ripe old age of 60.
Her only sibling is now 85 and seldom drinks. Still going strong. This also made me ready....
We all struggle - myself included.
Those are some things that pushed me to true honesty with myself and hope....
peace
I had to wrap my heard around the fact this WILL KILL ME either through disease or circumstances.
I do post when one is ready and willing. I don't take those comments lightly. For me I had to recognize this would be deadly and did not want that as my epitaph. But without willingness = no booze at ANY cost, for any reason I simply was not ready.
In the last few days I have read on this forum others ( must be at least one year sober) stories of recovery. Perhaps if you have not, consider reading some. You'll find our SR friends stories including Dee's - while different in each case, there is a common thread. Many recognized death, jail or grave as the options for continuing to drink. This qualified them as willing and ready. They posted these to help others....
My mother died of pancreatic cancer due to alcoholism. Never attempted nor admitted she was an alcohol - raised family, high bottom so to speak. Lived to the ripe old age of 60.
Her only sibling is now 85 and seldom drinks. Still going strong. This also made me ready....
We all struggle - myself included.
Those are some things that pushed me to true honesty with myself and hope....
peace
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Gilmer, you mean the AA book? Yeah, the first 164 pages is online. But for $8 it is worth having at home. The many stories in the back aren't online, I don't think - or are they?
Alcoholics Anonymous : Alcoholics Anonymous
peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Thank you everyone, this is all great information.
I just get so frustrated because it is really simple- just.don't.drink I KNOW that I am making this more complicated than it needs to be, I KNOW this. So why do I continue with this self-indulgent, over-contemplation and frankly pathetic whining???
Flynbuy, I truly appreciate what you have said. At the risk of sounding argumentative or worse, in denial, I DO feel like I have accepted that I am an alcoholic. I DO know that this will kill me and ruin my life. I DO NOT want to ever drink again and KNOW I can't. I am seriously terrified that I may very well be so far in denial I have convinced myself to the contrary. What else could explain this lack of achievement or at a minimum, correct mindset?
Bleh. Sorry folks, I don't like being so negative. I am starting to dig myself deeper into this whole than I need to go I think. For now I need to back up and just not drink tonight. I'll get back to the psychological heavy lifting tomorrow.
Again, your insights are so valued and appreciated. And what patience you all have! I am boring myself to tears over here and grating my every last nerve with this over-analytical BS, I can only imagine how I must come across to "strangers" over the internet. Consider myself slapped silly on all of your behalves!
I just get so frustrated because it is really simple- just.don't.drink I KNOW that I am making this more complicated than it needs to be, I KNOW this. So why do I continue with this self-indulgent, over-contemplation and frankly pathetic whining???
Flynbuy, I truly appreciate what you have said. At the risk of sounding argumentative or worse, in denial, I DO feel like I have accepted that I am an alcoholic. I DO know that this will kill me and ruin my life. I DO NOT want to ever drink again and KNOW I can't. I am seriously terrified that I may very well be so far in denial I have convinced myself to the contrary. What else could explain this lack of achievement or at a minimum, correct mindset?
Bleh. Sorry folks, I don't like being so negative. I am starting to dig myself deeper into this whole than I need to go I think. For now I need to back up and just not drink tonight. I'll get back to the psychological heavy lifting tomorrow.
Again, your insights are so valued and appreciated. And what patience you all have! I am boring myself to tears over here and grating my every last nerve with this over-analytical BS, I can only imagine how I must come across to "strangers" over the internet. Consider myself slapped silly on all of your behalves!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,536
I absolutely love the honesty and openness in this thread. Currently, I am not struggling, but I have and will. VERY thankful we can have these discussions about what others experience and what has helped. I know that when I discovered AVRT thanks to a fellow SRer, it resonated in my like nothing else I'd heard before. As someone mentioned earlier, keep reading and researching about solutions. I studied nutrition at the beginning of my recovery bc I figured if I could give my body what it needed to be well, it wouldn't crave the poison as much. That has helped me a lot bc it took my focus off of alcohol and focused it strongly at wellness. Anything that didn't fit into my wellness plan was off the table.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by Anna
Have faith that you will get this and be free. 
) but I've got a ways to go, I know that. I can't wait!
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