I hope the op never relapses because its bad enough slipping and even worse when you have another sober alcoholic passing judgement... It's a bit like calling the kettle black.

Well done on ten months and if you ever do relapse let's hope your family have a bit more compassion for you...

This seems to be turning into a bit of a competition... If you relapse never or a thousand times but still find sobriety what difference does it make.. Everyone is different and everyone is on there own path!!!

honestly, this term of "real" and "true" alcoholic term being thrown around is starting to really put me off.
If someone decides for them that they have a problem, that's enough for me.
enough of this crap man.

If I ever relapse, I hope that I will understand that I have added to my family's distress and I will use that as a driver to get back on the wagon with the help of God.

I think it's often the case that we become emotionally invested in each other's sobriety, mostly because we're all battling the same demon and we (desperately) want to win that battle. But just as we can't count the falterings of others as indicators that we're going to do the same, what else should we do but offer encouragement to those who slip?

I do understand the original point being made - relapses are not harmless by any stretch. Sometimes they spell the end. I've relapsed God knows how many times and each time it got a little worse, not better. I learned a little more from each one, though, and I have noticed they've gotten much shorter. In the past, I would drink everyday for a couple of years before I'd get serious about quitting again. The most recent bender lasted 6 weeks, and more than half of that time was for no other reason than to avoid withdrawal.

I unapproved a few posts.

Keep the discussion civil.

I am an avid reader of sr and have only posted a few times. I just relapsed after a few months sober and it broke my heart as well as my family's. I don't think for a minute that what I did was anything other than the wrong thing. I will say that both of my parents were extreme addicts and I learned early on that feelings are the enemy. I am only starting to learn that they are not. It takes some time to learn what should have always been known. I got freaked out and into a negative place. I'm not blaming that but I know I need some time to heal. I know this was long and I hope that's ok. I've just been through a lot and as my first time getting sober for myself I just wanted to say that

I agree with the original premise very strongly, that relapses are NOT harmless. I understood that when I quit, I might very well get only one shot at this. So, I put everything I had into my decision to never drink again. I never did. Zero relapses for me. Why the heck would I ever drink again after what I went through and what I have going for me now?

If anyone believes that this means I was not a true alcoholic, please send me a PM. You need more information.

Definitely some riled up feelings today in this thread and others today. So, for the sake of those of us who feel second-guessed, may I just opine that: a) just because you relapse, doesn't mean you are a bad person or that you deserve to have it held against you forever. You don't. b) just because - like me- you HAVEN'T relapsed, doesn't mean you are not an alcoholic (at this suggestion, I found myself actually getting defensive about my "right" to call myself an alcoholic, not merely a "problem drinker" - oh the irony of that); c) just because you have been prescribed Xanax (or some other medication) and have taken it a few times during the weeks/month/years that you have been alcohol free doesn't mean that your sobriety "doesn't really count" and, finally d) just because someone else may disagree with your method(s) of sobriety doesn't mean that there aren't a bazillion of the remainder of us who are interested only in supporting you and offering advice we want to be helpful.

This place is like a family to me. And just because I have a couple kooky cousins, doesn't mean that I would trade any of them/you. Our differences are what make us interesting.

Sometimes we need to just take a deep breath and move on to the next post.

Be well, everybody. :grouphug:

Wow - DD that was a powerful post and very important for me to read. Thank you.

DD - I agree. Relapse is serious and we are ultimately accountable. It is not a casual happenstance. As my own worst judge and jury I hope to god if I do relapse, that I have the guts to acknowledge it here. No one here can beat me up more than I will have already done, that doesn't mean I need sunshine blown up my backside, maybe just a warm hug then a swift kick in the arse to get me back in line.

thank you DD, this really spoke to me. i am a triple winner - an alcoholic who is the adult child of an alcoholic and the parent of an addict child, truly a family disease ya think?! this is a very compassionate and thoughtful post and i appreciate the loving way you presented your experience. i also have 5 siblings who are alcoholics, some active, some in recovery...

as a recovering alcoholic who has never relapsed i would like to say that relapse is NOT a requirement for achieving sobriety. i had to ask about that when newly sober 'cause it seemed like many people felt is was required and i didn't think i would make it back if i relapsed. it is not required, i am proof of this...

that said, relapsing does not mean you can't achieve sobriety. relapses happen for many and is often a necessary learning experience for some to find that conviction that sobriety is what they truly desire. i guess i walked into recovery with the conviction i needed from the longevity of my drinking and the damage done... each of us walk this road differently but in the same direction. i am thankful for those who share the struggle of relapse, it helps me stay sober as much as success stories... it also breaks my heart when someone relapses and never makes it back.....

this also spoke to me as the parent of a child who often struggles living a sober life. when he is in recovery this is what i most try to get across to him - when he is active it is not only himself he is hurting. this is a truth that anyone still active in their disease usually has a very hard time accepting...

wishing everyone here choosing a sober life much success - the rewards are priceless.

Being that you are able to see it from both sides, and knowing the amount of hard work you have put into your sobriety (I'm talking VERY VERY hard work) I can completely sympathize with your feelings regarding your mom. It's like come on Mom, poop or get off the pot. if I can do it, anyone can.

You are seeing your children watching you grow in sobriety and how it changes the entire family dynamic. Even with my slips, my life and family life both have changed radically. For the better. Because I have learned so much in the last year. And once you know, you can't unknow.

I get you friend.

I appreciate this thread DD. I think there seems to be some fine, hairline difference between accepting that relapse is often part of process..and approving of it. I think the sobriety cavalry comes to aid in a relapse post simply to encourage someone to jump right back on the horse...rather than stew in unbearable shame that will drive a continuing behaviour.

And Bimini I liked your point regarding you hope you don't die from someone else's relapse. Last year, I awoke hungover one morning knowing I had drank and drove. There was a voice within me that said "you do that again, and you will kill someone's parent or child..and LIVE to endure what you have done". That among other things was enough to sober me up.

Somehow a few months down the line..I fell victim to my own Id. No idea why..but I figured I could moderate. I did for awhile...but well, I started sliding down that slippery slope. I kept trying to get back on the sober horse. And in the end, I once again drove home ..drunk.

I remember being out and after the 2nd glass of wine ..and ordering a 3rd, I was ABOUT to call for a ride. It would have been SO easy to do. Somehow I didn't.

Above EVERYTHING else I have done whilst drinking...my inability to be responsible in that regard disgusts me the most. The most!. Endangering myself is one thing. Endangering others is reprehensible!!!

Nuu, that is my biggest regret in this last round of drinking; the fact that at my age and with what I have seen and know about driving under the influence, I still drove several times when I knew I shouldn't.

My second AA meeting I met a woman who I am still friends with. She has two small children. She lives not that far from me. I could have killed her, her children or her husband - or all of them. That freaks me out more than anything.

Only by the grace of God did I not hurt anyone else in my relapse. I would consider it a relapse, since I was sober for 18 years and went back out.

That's what alcohol does. False bravado and lack of rational thought.

I don't like the acronyms like relapse. We drank again and I drank again many times. For me I had to do all the selfish, self centered, egotistical things I did in order to get sober but that is not an excuse for the amount of pain and destruction I caused along the way.

I am in the process of making amends to those I've hurt. When we drink again we hurt so many different things but in my case failure was key to success

DD -- obviously this is a very thought provoking post. I'm so sorry your mom drank again. Of course her relapse would trigger anxiety, mistrust, fear, frustration. I believe that's what you were sharing about regarding the effects of relapse on those who we care about, or who care about us.

You are doing so well, I truly hope she gets inspired by how hard you've worked to get where you are, and climbs right back on this train. She's truly lucky to have such a caring daughter! ((Hugs))

My Mother never relapsed, she just vowed every morning to stop drinking and by the time the sun went down, she was drunk again.

Then I guess she accepted the futility of her promises and eventually died.

Did it stab me in the heart every time it happened when I was a teenager. Yes it did. But in the end it was her that was cheated out of a full life.

I hated alcohol since I can remember. My mother had blackout drunks almost ever night while we were very young. Ran around the neighborhood drunk ending up at neighbors houses we didn't even know where my father would have to go and carry her home. I was mortified, shamed, but it was never spoken about. She would never acknowledge it, never apologized, and to bring it up could result in a hard slap across the face. And every weekend it was worse. So I hated alcohol, got drunk at 12, and drank every day for the next 30 + years. I love my mom, I'm still the "good" daughter as my shrink would point out. Mom doesn't drink now, at 80 she is too sick with heart trouble. She still can't, won't acknowledge her actions, and what's the use at this point? Spilt milk as they say. My sisters and I are left thinking sometimes, was it really that bad? Three alcoholic daughters, one nearly dead from alcohol and an early suicide attempt, each battling their own custom phobias that have profoundly limited their potential, yah think? Yes, It is a sickness. Yes, there needs to be empathy. Yes, relapse happens, it may even be essential to some people's recovery, but it does not occur in a vacuum.

I think that's true our relapses may leave us feeling shameful but it's the hurt, fear and pain that I saw in my Fiancés eyes when she returned from a weekend away and realised that I'd been drinking again. I don't ever want to see hurt in her eyes again and I'm not quitting drinking for her I'm doing it for me. I want to make her life better not worse and I want to be the best husband that I can be