The truth is our "relapses" are not harmless . . .
 

I spent an early part of this month with my family visiting my parents at their home. My mother is an alcoholic. She is very careful to stay somewhat "in control" when we are visiting her, but when we are not there, all bets are off. She was in an obvious bender last week which culminated in an 8:30 am phone call conversation that I had with her on Friday, in which she was so drunk, she couldn't string a sentence together.

Today, I spoke with her and she was sober and apologetic. She said that she "relapsed" but she is working on her problem. I have my own issues with alcohol, so I am forgiving, but I don't forget. I can't. I have children who can be affected by her. They are her grandchildren. My eldest child is headed to college for the first time in a few weeks and I am all over the map with my own emotions and needs, yet once again her drunk antics have been added to my worry list. I don't deserve that.

I have a list in my sobriety journal of every stupid, dangerous, sickening behavior I pulled when I was drunk. That list comprises the most shameful moments of my life, hands down. I have no problem recalling every single one of them and they fill my heart with shame and turn my face red, even though some of these events are decades past. I have forgiven myself. I have to, in order to get better and stay better. But I don't forget them, and I doubt seriously that the people who love me and who were with me, forget those episodes either.

Yes, relapses happen. And yes, we have to move on and get back up. But don't think for a minute that your relapses happen in a vacuum. When you relapse, you are dashing the hopes and dreams of the people who care about you and you are adding another obstacle to the repair of the relationship. And when I read the Friends and Family forum here at SR, I completely empathize with the people who finally have to let their alcoholic go, for their own sanity.

Coming from both sides of the coin, I just don't think relapses are something to take lightly. There comes a time in our alcoholic story that bygones are no longer bygones.

I have a lot to say about this, but I am not going to say it.

I find it disturbing and selfish. But that's my own selfishness talking, right?

When they drink, I'm hoping I don't die from it.

I am not sure I understand?

Well written, thought provoking post DD.

Wishing you well with your eldest leaving. You definitely do not deserve old antics and emotional baggage put upon you at this stage, especially when you have worked so hard on making significant changes in your life.

Thanks for your inspiration.

Bimini...not sure what you found disturbing and selfish, the post or behaviour referred to in the post. I think/hope it was the latter.

Did you not relapse ever?

No, thankfully, no. I am almost ten months sober and by the grace of God, I have not relapsed. I cannot bear the idea of putting my children through the pain my mother has put me through and it is the driving force in my sobriety.

I'm sorry. That was rather nebulous. I have a sinus headache.

Um.

I think it is selfish to relapse. I don't dare say any more. It is selfish of me to say that, and I recognize this.

This is said because too many people continue to relapse and drive or relapse and do other dangerous things, like pass out and start fires in their kitchen. I live in a condo and a fire is dangerous to multiple families here.

One lady in an AA meeting said she wanted to kill herself and her family during a relapse. We all know that kind of stuff happens with drunks.

Are you an alcoholic or just a problem drinker? It is very rare for real alcoholics to never relapse and I think the relapses are painful enough without others passing their judgements onto others.

I am not passing judgment on relapses. I do have a problem with people who know that they have a problem with alcohol, take their relapses lightly and think that their drinking/relapse has no effect on others.

I work extremely hard on my sobriety every single day.

Well, someone that never tries to get sober doesn't relapse either.

I welcome ANY positive change in people's behavior. That said, behavior has consequences, both positive and negative.

Hi DoubleDragons, I think I understand where you are coming from.

I played at getting sober for a while a few years ago just to placate my husband, not for myself at all, I could never ever see life without booze, it was my friend in the darkest hours until it became the darkest hours.

When I, myself, me and just me decided to chose life, my husband over drinking, I stopped. I do not want to be that person again and I fear if I ever picked up a drink again I would never be like the brave people here who regret it and start again.well done to all those people.

The slippery slope was too steep and too slippery for me to climb up again.

I agree DD in that many of us tend to be "serial relapse" prone, and
do little or nothing to change what didn't work before.

The "oh well" attitude can prolong or even derail a person's permanent sobriety.

I've relapsed plenty in my day, but I found once my absolute imperative was sobriety,
I only had one relapse because I was working every angle to maximize my chance of getting it right and not slipping again.

I put a "no tolerance" rule in place for myself and stuck to it once I got for real
that moderation was impossible for me and that I could never again drink safely.

Of course everyone is different, and at different stages of recovery.
I may not have been able to do this five years ago.
I don't know, because I kept giving myself permission to step off the wagon
when under terrible family or work stress.

My attitude was different then. I really wasn't done yet, but wasn't being honest with myself about it.

It's a very interesting dilemma, in that on this list we are here to support each other no matter what, but also to call things honestly to help people get perspective on their situations.

So perhaps each of us has to internally be honest about how avoidable a relapse really is?

Not sure--but I do know that once my attitude changed, my relapses have stopped since I have allowed no emotional "escape clauses" for drinking in my current life.
That has been sorely tested these past years as well, especially with my spouse's drinking issues.

Robert, I am sorry I struck a chord in you. I am only speaking from my own experience.
It is my truth and I hope it will help someone else. The one positive thing that has come from my mother's descent into full blown alcoholism, is the wake-up call I received from it. It was my look in the mirror and my ability to experience both sides of the equation.

I understand what DD is saying, and relapses should not be taking lightly, it's accountability. For me personally, I drank this weekend but I don't consider it a relapse because I have yet to commit to sobriety.
Where I am right now is trying not to drink, exploring my life sober more and hopefully commit to that life choice and SR is how I am starting that road.
Relapses should be taken as seriously as the commitment to be sober.

I relapsed for a long time before getting Sober, round and round in circles I went and it was frustrating, so I understand it from both sides, I also was a family member looking in on an alcoholic, so I understand the parallels.

I think it is right to expect change or something different in the person, as trying and putting the effort in should always be welcomed, but also we need to be careful about demoralising someone further, which could result in the person giving up.

Whoops guys, let's be nice

Hey friends take a deep breath and slow down a little. Most of here get it that it is HARD to stop drinking for any real length of time. For some it is harder than it is for others. I'm lucky that I found a way to stop. But even when I was in the sober/relapse cycle I was doing the best I knew how to do. And I didn't drink AT my family. I just drank.

I hope we all find our way.

I have no idea why such a thought-provoking post is getting contentious - It really is very simple and straightforward: The truth is our relapses are not harmless.

I have not relapsed yet. Have I almost? Yes, I came very close one time. Would it be (very) harmful to me if i did, YES.

I'm not planning on relapsing. If I do, I'm going to come on here seeking support. Ideally, I will be here seeking support before I relapse in order to avoid a relapse.

The accountability I feel I've established for myself here prevented me from relapsing when I was really close to the edge one time. Thank you kind and sharing folks of SR!

There is enough hope here to go around for everybody!

I know this is a very hot topic here on the forums.

There are folks I know that get annoyed by reading relapse posts and some folks that feel we go easy on those who relapse by telling them not to beat themselves up and get up and dust youself off.

I've read here and on another forum that everyone will relapse. I don't believe that, sorry. It's disappointing to see those people you've known since your day one falter. Maybe I find it frustrating because I invested something of myself in their attempt at sobriety? Who knows?

While I don't think relapses should be taken lightly, I will continue to try to help people get back up because I know if by some turn of fates, it it was me, I would hope people wouldn't leave me laying on the ground like trash.

It's also true that statistically, more people attempting recovery return to drinking vs achieving long term sobriety. And that is regardless of what type of sobriety method they choose to use/not use.

Do relapses hurt us? Most likely yes. Are they selfish? Addiction is selfish by nature so it's kind of a redundant question.

Bottom line though, arguing about it and name-calling because of differences in philosophies won't help anyone. Keep in mind that this is the Newcomers forum as well.

I hope the op never relapses because its bad enough slipping and even worse when you have another sober alcoholic passing judgement... It's a bit like calling the kettle black.

Well done on ten months and if you ever do relapse let's hope your family have a bit more compassion for you...

This seems to be turning into a bit of a competition... If you relapse never or a thousand times but still find sobriety what difference does it make.. Everyone is different and everyone is on there own path!!!

honestly, this term of "real" and "true" alcoholic term being thrown around is starting to really put me off.
If someone decides for them that they have a problem, that's enough for me.
enough of this crap man.

If I ever relapse, I hope that I will understand that I have added to my family's distress and I will use that as a driver to get back on the wagon with the help of God.

I think it's often the case that we become emotionally invested in each other's sobriety, mostly because we're all battling the same demon and we (desperately) want to win that battle. But just as we can't count the falterings of others as indicators that we're going to do the same, what else should we do but offer encouragement to those who slip?

I do understand the original point being made - relapses are not harmless by any stretch. Sometimes they spell the end. I've relapsed God knows how many times and each time it got a little worse, not better. I learned a little more from each one, though, and I have noticed they've gotten much shorter. In the past, I would drink everyday for a couple of years before I'd get serious about quitting again. The most recent bender lasted 6 weeks, and more than half of that time was for no other reason than to avoid withdrawal.

I unapproved a few posts.

Keep the discussion civil.

I am an avid reader of sr and have only posted a few times. I just relapsed after a few months sober and it broke my heart as well as my family's. I don't think for a minute that what I did was anything other than the wrong thing. I will say that both of my parents were extreme addicts and I learned early on that feelings are the enemy. I am only starting to learn that they are not. It takes some time to learn what should have always been known. I got freaked out and into a negative place. I'm not blaming that but I know I need some time to heal. I know this was long and I hope that's ok. I've just been through a lot and as my first time getting sober for myself I just wanted to say that

I agree with the original premise very strongly, that relapses are NOT harmless. I understood that when I quit, I might very well get only one shot at this. So, I put everything I had into my decision to never drink again. I never did. Zero relapses for me. Why the heck would I ever drink again after what I went through and what I have going for me now?

If anyone believes that this means I was not a true alcoholic, please send me a PM. You need more information.

Definitely some riled up feelings today in this thread and others today. So, for the sake of those of us who feel second-guessed, may I just opine that: a) just because you relapse, doesn't mean you are a bad person or that you deserve to have it held against you forever. You don't. b) just because - like me- you HAVEN'T relapsed, doesn't mean you are not an alcoholic (at this suggestion, I found myself actually getting defensive about my "right" to call myself an alcoholic, not merely a "problem drinker" - oh the irony of that); c) just because you have been prescribed Xanax (or some other medication) and have taken it a few times during the weeks/month/years that you have been alcohol free doesn't mean that your sobriety "doesn't really count" and, finally d) just because someone else may disagree with your method(s) of sobriety doesn't mean that there aren't a bazillion of the remainder of us who are interested only in supporting you and offering advice we want to be helpful.

This place is like a family to me. And just because I have a couple kooky cousins, doesn't mean that I would trade any of them/you. Our differences are what make us interesting.

Sometimes we need to just take a deep breath and move on to the next post.

Be well, everybody. :grouphug:

Wow - DD that was a powerful post and very important for me to read. Thank you.