Should i send my EX gf to rehab
 

I have complicated story . Will keep short so folks dont loose focus . I dated this girl for about a year . She was an addict and i was not aware of her addiction till she OD'd in first 6 months of our relationship . I was broken but i wanted to help her and was working with her to get off addiction . Obviously she was hidding her addiction level and manipulating me that she is getting better . So closer to year she started getting isolated and hard to reach . So obviously i knew she was either dating some one else or doing drugs again . Either way i broke up and maintained No Contact . After 2 months of break up she is reaching me for help and requesting me to send her to Rehab as she has no support from her family or friends . All have given up on her .
In Patient rehab is too exp 20 K . So not sure what should i do .

Please note that she have been going AA and Psychiatrist but seems like she aint getting any better . her choice of drug have been coke and Meth as far as i know .

I fear if i dont help she may end up into prostitution or OD and die . So looking for help .

It used to be that people could have their stay in an in-patient facility paid for by general relief (that's how my stay was paid for).

The homepage of this website has lots of information.

If somehow you are going to end up giving money to her to pay for it, instead of giving money to the facility, i would be suspicious...

for sure wont be giving her any money directly.if i do it will be directly to institution. Knowing she cheated on me should i help her . I fear for her life but then i am also mad she cheated on me and dint care to even give me a closure . She till date denies it and says that drugs was keeping her aloof and isolated but i know its a lie. So i am in confused state and mess

Sugarbear has offered an alternative. Although I am not in the U.S...there must be community programs (e.g Salvation army) that can be of assistance. There are other answers than you having to foot any bills here. Although I am sure you care for this woman, I do not think this is your cross to bear my friend.
At best, help her locate a program that is of no cost. I'm certain there are options.

Yep make sense , I need to see her intention first for free rehab . Just FYI I heard that free rehabs are not great as they are filled with wrong kind of people . But like you said its not my cross to bear specially after intense relation ship she goes totally cold with no remorse towards me , how i would feel or called to explain that she is not cheating on me , Just few texts denying it. I am happy that i was sane enough to walk away .

i have had nightmares last 2 months thinking and waking up that she is gone into prostitution or she ended up being street bum . Only regret i have is why i am not sane enough to block her and why i want to help her .

If she is serious about recovery it wont matter what rehab she is in. Dont do it, there are options let her figure them out.

Yes you all are correct . I will stick to all your advice . I wont be ignoring her or lashing out at her. I will be neutral. if she needs to talk to me i will be always be available but i wont be her enabler and give her easy way out.

i truly love her and care for her . So no help is best help .

i lost my soul mate to drugs but i wont loose myself and be victim of drug addict ex gf . Its tough very tough to move on from what we two had . She choose drugs and its her choice . I choose happy life and need to get back to dating other wonderful women out there .

She needs to save herself, but if you could help facilitate that I think that would be awesome! Depending on her condition she may need medical attention for withdraws.

Those aren't her only choices. She could decide to embrace her recovery and quit. NA is free.

All i know from being casual recreational user she ended up being hard core addict . All happened in last two months . When we were breaking up i could not get her to even talk on phone for 5 days . Chased her like looser but after 5 days it hit me , She is gone either found a guy at NA meetings or drug problem is at max . Either way she is gone from my life .

Yes i am there to help but not as pathetic looser who would give her $$ or pay for her rehab . what if after paying rehab she quits it in 20 days . So she needs to fight for her self and i will be right next to her to support her meet her talk to her but i wont give $ or be involved romantically . I am very caring passionate person and at times people read it as weakness . On contrary its my strength .

Soul, that's a fair plan. She needs help and if you can and are willing, help her within the limits you set.

There are options available for those that want help, such as sugarbears suggestion - salvation army. Are they comfy with great food? Nope. But if the addict/alcoholic isn't willing to get sober for fear of not being catered to - they are probably not capable of getting sober yet.

This is not your responsibility. I'm not sure how you came to think that you are her only hope, but it sounds like manipulation. SHE is her only hope. When she is ready to go to any length to get and stay clean, then and only then will she have a decent shot at it.

There is a reason for this. Families don't just give up on people overnight. There is likely much more to this story than even you know.

Stay on track, you've been given lots of good advice here.

I'm not sure what "the wrong kind of people" are.....

Maybe you can get to Al Anon or Naranon and find out how you can recover and not be so codependent in the meanwhile so you don't repeat your behavior patterns. :)

With Love and Hugs,
~SB

"Wrong people" I dont know how to call it out but the free rehab consultant stated that folks who are here serious drug addicts and at times links and friendship bond made at rehab are worse for folks who clean and go out . As they just go back to old habits . The counselor Mentioned success rate of free rehabs is very low .


Well i am going to meet her this week and see what her intentions are and what she wants to say . I am not sure i should totally block her and not meet her at all . Plus i made my mind not to give her any $ but i wont take any decision without my little family here on this forum .

Change your phone number.

Good call soul - it's not a question of money to get sober. Think of all the celebrities with more money than they know what to do with who cannot get sober. It's not that they lack resources, they lack the commitment.

Relapse rates for expensive rehabs is poor also...just saying....

^^^

that

I think it's great that despite her cheating, lying, ect...you still have a kind enough heart that you want to help. But I gotta agree, this isn't your cross to bear and I would be meeting her with some serious boundaries in place.
The fact that she didn't contact you for months, than out of the blue has...is a bit concerning. I wish you luck! You sound like good peoples :) just make sure you have YOUR bases covered.

I am agreeing with Elle on this one. It sounds like she is using you.

There is an old adage in sales...about people needing "skin in the game" (meaning money) to see value in what they are doing...cuz it's THEIR money. It was very evident in the weight loss industry. Mo' money they spent...meant greater commitment.

So in this case....still not her money. It would be yours. If a person truly wants sobriety, they will do it by whatever means possible.

And don't kid yourself...people "hook' up in spendy rehabs too.

Hi Soul :)

It's clear to me you have a big heart - just don't let that lead you into shouldering all the responsibility for your ex's recovery.

There are many options for her, if she wants to look for them :)

D

Some of questions i will ask and ready to support will be as below . Please add if you think i need to address any

I wont bring up cheating or why she was unreachable to me for 5 days etc. etc. If i truly care for person i have to be selfless and truly care for that person. I have to think like i am 60 year old dad of a 10 year old girl gone on wrong path and listen to her . So will just hug her listen to her .

I will ask her what she's doing to help herself and how she's doing it. Ask her if she's gone to any NA meetings or support groups. If so why she thinks they are not working for her. Ask her if she's seemed counseling. That's free through county mental health and churches. if need be i can accompany her to NA meetings and support her . why she dont wanna go to free inpatient clinics. I need to make sure she understands she needs to do the work. Not me or anyone else.

Any other questions ? concerns ? I know few may want me to maintain No Contact and i have been doing it But if she is calling for help i should at least listen to her .

just forgot to mention . She did contact me and was sorry for what she did . Just dint admit to cheating . I kept her on No Contact list .

One thing is clear . I wont take her back . not at least i see her sober for a year . Plus i dont think i can live without relationship for a year :-) so i guess she and me are dead as lovers for sure . I think i am doing this for my selfish reason . I love the old her and if i can save and bring OLD her i may die happy thinking i saved 1 life . You all are right . I am not spendign single $$ and just want her to know that if she needs me for social and moral support i will be there for her but not for $$$ Support .

free, expensive, they pay you
 

I was in a quite expensive rehab, there were MANY people there who have been going to rehab for the past ten years. Some are back within 6 months and continue to return. The best thing about the ones who go back time after time is that first timers have an opportunity to see what can happen to them.

It makes no difference if a rehab costs nothing or costs a new house. It is totally up to the individual attending to decide if they want to get sober or not.
No amount of pleading or education on addiction can make that happen. If the person wants it, they can get it.
If I were you, I would very cautious...

Thats was helpful brian and whole SR family here . I am on board with you . I agree with you all as well . I will be cautious . The reason i dont wanna go to No Contact at time when one is calling for help is what if they end up being suicidal and take their life. If i was in her position and state o fmind i may OD and end my life . But if i knew there was 1 just 1 person who would talk to me and wont turn back i will have hope. If my feelings and love for her was pure i should be able to support her emotionally as platonic friend .

Dont get me wrong i do suspect she may be manipulating me but i want to tell her that she has all the help if she is ready . For now i know she has lost every one including here close friends & she dint had any family to begin with .

I have such a lovely SR family here to guide me and be cautious . Lets say i wont take any action without your inputs .

I don't think that rehab has ever done harm to anyone.
Actually it has saved many a life and family.
If you can get her in why not?
MM

i think what all are saying she can go in rehab but she needs to go and try first free rehabs and show efforts that she is serious to make changes rather than reaching out to ex to help her sponsor and give a blind check . specially when she and me have no future .