Getting ready to face the music, need words of hope and encouragement
 

I'm not entirely new to recovery, but I am certainly in need of some drastic spiritual change and growth. I've been around, but in case you haven't seen my previous posts I will give you some quick background information.

I had a problem with addiction before, ended up going to intensive outpatient rehab. AA was forced down my throat, and something that I thought was going to be temporary quickly "stuck" and I found myself sober for nearly 2 years. During my time of drug use, I failed miserably at school, skipped every class, and spent every waking moment getting high. During my time of sobriety, I made straight A's, had a full time job, and ended up getting accepted to the university of my dreams.

However, I was weak, and I doubted my condition- thinking that I over reacted and I never had that much of a problem. I was hesitant to use again, but the stresses of change and the heavy course load quickly took its toll on me. A klonopin prescription for my social anxiety (I had to give a presentation and was under a lot of stress) quickly led to the whole bottle disappearing and a heavy drinking problem. I have been drinking daily since March, and while I managed to scrape by at tech school during the summer, the more demanding coursework of my fall semester at "real" college was no match for my alcoholism. I eventually dropped out, and I have been living a lie the past month- convincing my family that I am succeeding and that I don't have a problem with alcohol. Tapering was a failed attempt.

At this point, I am sadly aware that I cannot use mind altering substances like a normal person. It's evident. I succeeded when I was clean, and when I use all ambition goes out the window. However, I wasn't entirely happy sober, and the thought of sobriety is very frightening to me. My friends think I'm crazy... "just quit drinking so much" they say... but they do not understand my struggle. They are either non addicted or they are addicts in denial.

I have a rather skewed way of thinking. I know that I have a problem and I need help, but the thought of admitting such a thing makes me feel weak and over-dramatic. However, I know where my actions lead and it is evident in my family members who have been traveling down the same path I'm on for many decades. They have a false sense of happiness. Chemically induced. They futilely chase something that isn't real. They have become ultimate parasites. I do not want this at all, but at the same time I cannot be sure, because I don't know if sobriety is really "all that" either.

Being financially dependent on my wonderful family, who blessed me with the opportunity to do something with my life, I owe it to them to let them know. I've been putting it off, but Monday I will have no choice but to let them know what I've been doing. The guilt, shame, and disappointment that will ensue is terrifying. Not to mention the fact that I have no idea what will happen... Will they wash their hands of me? Will they suggest I move home and go back to rehab? The anxiety and stress from alcohol withdrawal alone is horrendous. To experience such shame and guilt in an emotionally weakened state is even more terrifying.

What happens next I do not know. I accept full responsibility for my actions. I made my bed, I'll lie in it. I am still terrified, but I have put myself here. But please, someone, tell me that it all gets better. Tell me that a sober life can be worth living. Give me good news, give me something to look forward to.

Thank you.

hey UO :)

I've been wondering how you were.
Look they may give you a little heat, but no real loving family is going to abandon you.

Far from it, I think this could be the support you need - it will certainly be a load off your back, man.

I think it's an awesome decision - well done UO! :)

D

Was this a happy time for you?

Hi, UO! Good to have you back. You'll be pleased to know that my husband, son-in-law, and brother-in law are all shooting in the mountains this weekend. Maybe you can similarly occupy yourself during these first dicey days of sobriety--do something you love.

Sometimes, not all the time, I was lacking something. I never fully worked the steps. I need wisdom. I need patience. I need to learn how to be selfless and humble, in addition to confidence and courage. I need faith in all that is good. These are traits that I lack and I have no idea how to gain them. I am in desperate need of these attributes.

You'll find them :) and I guarantee you'll have a way better chance of finding them, and encouraging them to grow, if you're sober UO :)

D

under-O!
i'm awake at 330am, because i rec'd drunken text messages from my own daughter (who is currently visiting friends parents down in Charleston)....i only wish she could fast forward and see what is progressing, i wish i remembered to silence my phone...because i have watched her trying to control her drinking and inwardly cringe...
You are so smart and have so much potetial...potential to live a happy life and succeed at anything you try for...potential for maturity, a love relationship, good job, maybe a family of your own, a home you have earned, a lifestyle that you build...
Sheesh.....you think a 5th of booze every night is a better option? weigh these things against each other....think to the scenario when you are 35...49, still living in your childhood bedroom.
i doubt that your parents will banish you....but can do better by them...
we all know that talk is cheap...it is time to take action.
You are afraid of withdrawl? be afraid of your addictions, they are much more dangerous in the long run.
to answer your question, yes sobriety is much better and about 85% of my own anxiety diminished greatly.
my problems did not go away, but the way i deal with them changed, my thought process is a lot more logical.
i'm glad you are back, stick with us.

Does anyone here use 12 step programs and do they work? I have so many flaws, self consciousness, resentments, I care too much what others think, the list goes on. These are but a few defects of character I need to take care of if I want to enjoy sobriety...

The steps have helped me a great deal. Do them. What's the worst thing that can happen if you do? No change?

Thinking about telling them won't be as bad as when you've finished doing it. It never is no matter what. You sound like you have a good family. Trust them to be there for you. There will be some relief in just getting it out there. Share the load. We used to live in villages where everyone new about everyone. Now we can be so isolated and hidden if we choose. It's not natural or ok to expect to solve it alone. Good luck xx

I have been sober for over 16 months and have a sense of peace and contentment I never had when I was drinking.

It does get better and you have lots of good things to look forward to :).

you say you don't want to admit you have a problem.

Seems like you can eliminate a huge problem the problem you have when you drink and drug...by not drinking or drugging. When we stop, it's not longer a problem, so we don't have to go around ringing a gong, or wearing a placard "I have a drinking problem"....it IS normal to not drink. Tons of people don't drink. it's not a stigma, or punishment,or issue. It's not a failure as a human being. Not drinking truly doesn't matter in the big picture of life.

Learning how to live a healthy adult life is normal. And that is what you want to do...so, there you go, you are normal!

Your friends say, just don't drink so much...good plan. Not drinking at all is an excellent way of not drinking so much!

You have a LOT going for you! You see what the issue is and you have the real desire to address it. that's a super healthy and normal thing.

Glad you are back here and on the road to recovery.

I have no idea how your family will react, but let us know how it goes.

I can't tell you how you will live a sober life. People missuse their chance all the time. But I can tell you that your drinking and drugging is taking you to a horrible place. How can being sober be worse?

Welcome back UO

I love living a sober life. I have peace, I am confident and secure how I treat others and myself on a daily basis instead of worrying about what I said or did loaded.

I have time to work on and plan becoming my best self personally and professionally. I feel good physically and I have the time and energy to care about others as well instead of focusing on myself and my addiction.

The sober life is certainly worth living. I think you will really come to enjoy it with time. I'm glad you are being honest with your family.
Keep being honest with yourself and you will succeed.

Yes I think working the 12 steps will give you that spiritual awakening you are looking for . I have worked them twice in the past and going through again . They will definitely change your life but for me the true source of all joy is in the Lord.

I told my mother I dropped out. She was upset but not disappointed. Then an hour later after talking to a buddy from AA I told her about my alcoholism. She said she was proud of me for recognizing I had a problem and that she would be willing to send me to whatever detox or whatever the hell I think I'd need. I feel so ashamed and bad about it, I wish she would have told me she was washing her hands of me and that I need to grow up. I feel like such a ****** person. How could I, with such a loving family and being blessed with so much, be an addict?

Don't confuse yourself with your addiction UO.

I did a lot of stuff as an addict I'm not proud of.

While I take responsibility for that, I also know thats not the real me - it was, I'd still be doing the same things.

It's easy to beat yourself up - but your addiction will feed on that.

Your mom sees the real you - feel blessed...not all of us had good parents :)

D

I need a good brainwashing by AA or Rehab because as of right now I'm too far gone

i'm with Mom....she recognizes that support trumps punishment. You feel bad, you fight with yourself, you seem to want "punishment" so you can pull yourself up?
i remember that your father is very strict and where he works.. you are not seeing this?.
you're an only child and they treasure you...they don't want to lose you.
Under-o, take the life preserver, climb into the boat....get out of your head...you still have a choice here.
it won't always be that way, that's a fact.
i don't buy into the whole powerless thing...but i accept the fact that i cannot drink, because once i start,, i don't WANT to stop, but it was a long time getting to this point.
You have so much potential to succeed, you are going to let a liquid beverage control your life? it will steal everything.

"Brainwashing" implies that you want someone else to take control of your mental health.
You have agency here--you are the subject, not the object, of your own life.

Rehab isn't going to work long term unless you acknowledge that not using is up to you
and you take charge of your own recovery.

Otherwise you will relapse.

I hate being babied though, I hate having things handed to me.. I like to fix my own problems I don't like help. truth be told I'm still a child I'm immature I need to grow up. I want to be hard and independent, mature and wise. Right now I'm just a weak little bitch. Rehab is for rich people or people who can't do it on their own.. or people in there against their will

Just my opinion, but I think rehab is for the lucky ones. The ones who have the opportunity to go. I wish I could have gone to rehab over a decade ago. Who knows what great things I could have accomplished had I not spent so many years destroying myself and being dysfunctional. Not having the opportunity to go to rehab with one of my many addictions has left me jumping from one to another, and now I try to address my sht but it's in slow motion. I think it's for the lucky ones who are mature enough to go in and take care of this mess in an accelerated fashion, then get out and take charge of the life they are supposed to have and become the person they have the potential to be.

Doing it on your own is safe. There's nothing to keep you accountable, so you don't really have to do the hard work. Getting help is not being babied, it's being brave, aware of your condition, and going for it. Refusing to change and doing it over and over on your own is babying yourself. You're not alone, because I did that for way too long.

Since you are saying you don't like to be babied - you can bet your mother IS disappointed, and worse than that she is probably devastated but trying to be stoic for your sake. I gather you are young, smart, loved, and talented - it's time to be brave, change things up, meet your potential. That will probably involve being vulnerable and not doing it on your own. Just my two cents.

It's like I have split personalities or some ****.... there's one part of me that's all about doing what I know is right, and the other that's just all about doing what I know is wrong and having "fun." When I was sober, the addictive voice inside my head was a small one... once in a while it would chime in but I would get through it and be grateful for staying sober. Right now, the roles are flipped. I live my day thinking about how I'm going to get ****** up, and occasionally something deep down will say "don't do this, this isn't what you want in the grand scheme of things." but I ignore it and it passes, and I keep going on about my business. Of course I need some sort of brainwashing. I want to want to quit using/drinking. But right now my only desire is to keep on... but if I would be willing to bite the bullet to get that motivation back, the desire to live sober.... I would do whatever it takes to rid myself of this ailment, but right now it's in control, and it knows how to manifest itself in all the right ways to keep me coming back for more

Everyone has defects of character. No one is perfect. Just do your best and don't beat yourself up. You are worth more than that.

I love this post

I wish you could find some self-esteem. I was like you. Self-loathing and all that.

You are lucky to have support in your family. You may think you are a bitch but I am a nagging witch. As I say to most young people, please get well and finish your education. You are smart and can have a wonderful future. If I had my time over, I would have got well sooner and got myself an education, so important. But one step at a time. Get well first and good luck. You deserve it.

UO, many people find AA and other 12 step programs very helpful. I, too, attended AA and put together (first) 8 years, (then) 3 years and (finally 4 years) with relapses in between. Never did figure out why I kept relapsing....although each sponsor would ask me to try to figure out why I did it. The BB talks about "blank spots" prior to taking that first drink (again). That was me..."blank spots". I worked the steps 3 times...and I REALLY worked them. Then I moved out of the country and there are no meetings where I live. So, of course I relapsed (although I am sure that I was planning it), and am now on day 51 :) Not going to do AA this time....using SR, mainly and it is working! (Although I do have the underlying background of AA as support as well). I am not sure I believe in the powerlessness anymore, either....but, hey....use whatever works for YOU! I kinda agree with Hawkeye...you have to acknowledge that your recovery is up to you. I was always a functional alcoholic...good job, home, etc. Masters and doctorate degrees...the works...but alcohol does not discriminate. Glad you were honest with your family, and....more importantly....yourself. Hang in there...you can do this! AND....it is soooooo worth it! Sobriety is sooooo much better for me than was experiencing the ramifications of my drinking.....

so Under-O...when will you stop talking and take action?
if you don't want to be babied into rehab the first step is not drinking TODAY, going to your doctor and telling him how much you drink and get some liver function tests run.
that would manning up?
go start applying for jobs?

idk. I'm already regretting the decision. Supposedly looking into treatment tomorrow. ****, I need more time

I thought I needed more time too UO. We all do.
Time ran out for me tho - make sure you don't find yourself in the same hole.

Sometimes we can be lost, and need an outside perspective to guide us out.

There's no shame in that, and it's not babying...it's a reasoned adult decision for your own good.

D