Hate this
 

Hi all

New here, and on my 4th night of no sleep and couldn't think where else to turn to.

I am at the tail end of another horrific and dangerous binge. I get such bad withdrawals im fairly sure I have kindling as to put it into context i've detoxed atleast 10 times this year.

This binge only lasted about 5 days but it was at least a litre of vodka per day and no food... on top of that I got some benzo's for when I wanted to stop... cept I didn't, I of course took most of them and still drank and did some crazy crazy things.

Now I'm at this stage again where i've managed to taper down to just 3 beers in the past 18hrs and as few benzo's as possible. I'm not shaking, but sweating like crazy and I just spend all day and night reading about seizures and getting more and more petrified i've gone and done it this time. The anxiety is rediculous because no one knows I drink anymore.
When i'm sober im super fit healthy and love life.
I just don't know why I continue to drink and to such dangerous levels.

I know y'all gonna say go see a doc but I really can't and atm I just needed to share as I don't have anyone. I need to get sober again, and get past this haunting fear i'm gonna die in the night. Then I will sort out my social anxiety and get help where I can.

Really don't want to touch this poison ever again

Thanks for reading.

Twinnings,

Im on day 4 , at the end of a huge binge too, that I have been doing for years , My sweats have finally calmed down, and my poor brain is finally starting to wake up.IT DOES GET BETTER....Ive gone cold turkey , without any meds or doctors advice and although I felt super bad for the first few days, Im glad I did it this way as my mind is now clear and every day is an improvement on the last , thats what Im clinging to , tomorrow will be better than today , and hey , today was an improvement on yesterday.It can be done.A positive mental attitude and a real desire to quit is key for me .

Welcome , and enjoy the great support you will find here on SR

play with fire over and over (I sure did)
 

please get and stay sober ASAP (whatever it takes)
my friend in AA was in this kind of condition a while back
he died with a bottle of hard booze in his hand while sitting in his truck

nice wife, house and kids were home waiting for him

a hell of a nice guy

but, we drunks while drinking play with fire over and over (I sure did)

anything we can do to help ?

Mountainman

Hi Bal

I know cold turkey would definately land me in some dagerous waters as I've tried before years ago and ended up having to phone 999.

I don't take the benzo's often, when I decide to quit I'm good at quiting and just throwing whatever's in the house away including drink. And good at tapering too.

Problem is there's booze everywhere, and since I found where to get these benzo's from its just given me an excuse to get wasted and sober up easy.
Which was fine to start with, cept now I know that was stupid and I have a tolerance to both the benzos and booze to deal with.
I wish i'd of never found either!

Welcome, and I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I hope you can safely get through detox and I hope that you will seek medical help if necessary.

This can be the last time you go through this.

See things like this really really do scare me. I think i've watched nearly every doc on you tube several times.
Read about people bleeding to death or seemingly normal looking people finding out they have cirrhosis.

It's a bit like everything starts to go really well and I act like I don't deserve it, screw it all up again to put myself through this hell.

Anyway thank you for the private message it won't let me reply.
But much appreciated.

Thank you!

:welcome to SR! I'm glad you found us and joined the family. You'll find lots of support here. :)

Thank you!

Well it's been about 12 hrs since I first posted.
I managed to sleep a few hrs and then got up, determined to not go get even one beer to stop the sweats. Layed on the sofa and fell asleep again for a couple hrs waking up feeling really hungry... so got the usual electrolytes, b vits and a prawn pasta salad in me.

Anxiety has calmed down massively as i'm pretty sure I won't have a seizure anymore, thrown all evidence of booze out the house, I always get anxiety I will die with evidence of it and then be known as a liar/drunk heh.

Can finally see some light out of this hell and what a relief!

Keep posting. You'll make it. Yes, I want to say go see a doctor, but since you are determined, then at least keep posting. Read other threads too. Knowing that other people have experienced the same pain and knowing that others have succeeded will give you courage. Welcome!

Well today has been a real roller coaster.
About 8 hrs since I last posted.

I felt much better, then got on to do some stuff round the house and was just dripping with sweat. urgh the stink heh. Then I got a call from my ex gf and just sent me into panic overdrive. The nausea came back and I was crying cus I just thought the worse was over.

Then all of a sudden nausea gone... head feels better, clearer. sweating stopped. I even ventured outside without going in the shop in a sweat. bought some healthy food... definately no booze and now back home.

Ready for a film and an early night, hopefully tomorrow will be the first morning in quite some time I haven't wanted to throw up.
Then I'll deal with my head fuzz and benzo taper.

Thanks for letting me ramble, really is a dark and lonely space.

It sure is a dark and lonely space Twinnings.
I'm only 15 days sober and it's like being reborn.
I hope you do the same.

Welcome Twinnings. Proud of you for wanting to reclaim your life. You can do it. :)

I remember those first days of withdrawal. It was a living hell - and emotions were all over the place. Thankfully we never have to go back there again. One day you'll wake up feeling brand new. It's so wonderful to be free of it. Don't feel lonely - you have all of us with you & we understand. :)

Welcome twinnings, you aren't rambling its therapeutic to see how we feel on paper, or in this case on a screen lol. Keep fighting x

Welcome to SR Twinnings.

Have you thought of getting some other support to help you stay sober?

I'm right here with you too twinnings. We can do this, we just need to believe we can and keep on posting. I don't want to die, i don't want to hurt anyone else, i don't want to lose my family, I don't want my kids to hate me. I want to live, not just exist. Keep posting, I want to hear how you are doing.

Glad you feel better Twinnings :)

welcome to SR :)

D

Hi heath,

Yes, I am moving to a new city at the weekend. Fresh start and I've already looked up smart recovery meetings. There are three a week so no excuses.
The anxiety will be hard but I will try befriend someone before hand and hope I don't freak out. I also want to speak to my GP in a few weeks too and tell her I need something to do and ask for a referral back to a mental health day centre. They have them where you can just go as much as you like in the day and hang out and talk or not. I think it would be good to use a service user led program as I've been through every kind of psychotherapy going. Also means I can end up volunteering which would be good for what I want to eventually be doing.

Hi Twinnings, welcome.

Well good morning!

i'm super tired but forced myself up last night was hard to sleep but I put on a meditation thing and eventually drifted off for about 5hrs.
I don't feel too sick and managed some fruit, herbal tea and smoothie.
I also don't stink of booze sweats which is nice!
Haven't had any benzo yet. Gonna try keep it that way, I have some propranalol for anxiety if I need it.

Not sure about mood yet but I think its ok.