Started drinking again, help
 

There's not a lot to discuss, right? I just gave in to the Beast, let my AV speak for me, bought a bottle and drank it. Then I did it again.

There was a person I felt myself becoming that seems to have left the building.

I don't want to start again, from square one. But that's where I've put myself.

Hi Less, I disagree, I don't think you are starting from square one at all, i think you took a brief detour, but you are back here aren't you. A lot of us are perfectionists and we have an all or nothing mentality. That can get in our way. Maybe this wasn't the path you had envisioned but perhaps it is the path you are meant to be on.

Make it a slip and not a relapse, you can do this!

that sucks.

Try again?

we still like you

I dont believe you are back at square one at all. Everything you learned in your recovery still applies now. Hopefully you know the reasons why you drank and you can prevent it from happening again. Glad you are here.

Awe Less...glad you're right back here!!! It's a journey, honey, we have to count all the experiences, good and bad. It's how we use those experiences to pave our future that really matters.

I'm glad you're back.

What can you do to prevent the same thing happening again? Learn from the experience and move on.

Less. This is not an easy road, but it is a hell of alot easier than the misery that is associated with engaging in active alcoholism. DO NOT give up.

Back at Day one too with the beast, so you have company. Sorry it is such depressing company, but as long as we keep fighting...

Awwww, buddy. I get you. I slipped a few nights ago as well. I hated going back to that familiar torture that absolutely failed to serve me in any way whatsoever. Well, it did serve to prove to me that I much prefer sobriety over the dead zone of booze. I also learned where my weakest point is, the one I still struggle to get through sober. And knowing that, for me, is invaluable.

So how about this - how about instead of just letting it take you back underwater, find the reason for the slip and vow to work on that character flaw ? This can destroy you, or maybe, just maybe lead you closer to your true self.

Not all slips need self flogging. They can be incredible growth opportunities if you nip that sucker in the bud and hop back on that horse.

Be well dear one. Ill be pulling for you.

Sorry to hear of your setback, but it is what it is. I would disagree that there is not a lot to discuss though, how about discussing how you will invite that person you were becoming back into your life? Or perhaps discussing how to make that person a permanent resident? Maybe this time you need to make some major changes in your plan too, you seem have had more than one lost battles with your AV.

We all resist change, especially permanent change. How can we help you find a way to accept the permanent change that is sobriety?

There's as much to discuss as you choose - for some alot to talk about. And for others - not so much. It doesn't matter either way - its really whatever you decide for YOU. :)

Perhaps don't look on it as starting from square one exactly - perhaps see it as a whole new start with a learned experience you didn't already have - a better insight into yourself to make the back-to-drinking experience have some value since its already in the past and the past is already whatever it is no changing it but we can change our attitudes about what we learn from our experiences!

:ring

Ive been to square one plenty of time and learned alot from my failures. I learned that every adversity carries with it the seed of a equal or greater benefit.

Hey Less-

It appears you know how it happened.... uugghhh. Anyway, without my last drinking episode I don't think I ever would have been motivated enough to do this. I had to KNOW that moderation was NEVER going to be an option.

So, looking back I don't regret the decision I made to drink that day. And I never regret the decision I make to NOT drink every single day now.

Start over....you learn from your time sober. Nothing can take that away.

Jess

Thank you everyone, this site is really an amazing place.

I wish I could say that there is something to learn from this return to the poison. The truth is that nothing at all in particular triggered it. I was home, I ordered wine and I drank it. I didn't even like the taste. Then I did again over the weekend, with my wife, who has been sober with me. I did again last night, and she had a glass herself.

The meditation that I'd been practicing twice daily, really comitted to it, has gone out the window. My anxiety and procrastination at work came right back with the hangovers.

I'm not sure what to do. Tired and lost.

I also wanted to point out, that this doesn't need to be your "Bottom". It can be your TOP as you stand there and reflect on who you are, how far you have come and what you are willing to do to stay there.

It doesn't have to be complete devastation.

You don't have to wait until your shaking from DT's or you re-blow out your nervous system.

You can, right now, make the concerted effort to move through the slip and get on with your bad self.

And here's a little true story for you :

I know of a pain doctor who was treating his father for back issues that came from a fall. He worked on him weekly trying to relieve him from his chronic pain, to no avail. One day. his father slipped on the ice.

That single slip jarred his body back to normalcy.

XO AO

I suggest having a look at the internal apathy awash in your statement above. When we have nothing to explain our behaviors it may help to examine why we didn't care enough to make different choices so as to have different outcomes. Sometimes doing nothing has us just living like its always same old same old.

With or without alcohol in your life - are there distinct differences which stand out for you? is something you may want to ponder.

Can you explain what you mean by apathy?

There's no question that my life was different and better without alcohol. There was peace, confidence, comfort. Of course days or hours of pain, ennui, worry - but they passed normally, without much incident. Nothing is better when I'm drinking, it only feeds itself.

Question-

Why did you stop drinking?

For every reason in the world. I drink too much when I drink and it negatively effects every aspect of my life.

I'm not thinking you want me to define apathy the word, so what I mean is sometimes we can think about all that is good and all that is painful and just kinda zero out the balance sheet and just continue with whatever seems to suit us best at those moments - and if your life is relatively unchanged from when you were drinking, then things can become apathetic in experience and this can make drinking seem like just another thing to do more then what may be obvious to the person about to take that drink.

For me, real differences exist with my internally experiencing what I believe is a good life, and what my external reality provides for me. More than once I've had to re-examine my ideas with some reality checks.

I've been drinking again for the past two weeks - only on weekends - as if that makes it all better right? HA.

I really want to stop drinking but on the other hand I can't fathom it being for the rest of my life. I've done so many stupid and dangerous things when drinking and so I do not have an excuse for starting to drink again. I guess I keep thinking I can control it. HA like that ever works right? I once had three months and felt really good about myself and I a big part of me wants that back. But I am also disappointed in a how certain parts of my life have not turned out how I wanted them to be at this point in my life (mid-thirties) and drinking just helps me forget this huge personal disappointment. I know, the rational logical part of me know the drinking doesn't help at all.

Ugh, I hate this love-hate relationship I have with myself and drinking. I know I need to be and stay strong. This is my day 3.

I appreciate this line of thought. When you speak of differences between what you experience internally and what external reality provides for you - what do you mean?

Less - if I might be so bold, perhaps things aren't as complicated as they might seem. Maybe you should start with the obvious - like which recovery methods you are using and whether or not they are working. Are you still practicing AVRT? Have you ever tried NA or AA? Have you seen a alcohol/drug counselor or a mental health professional?

It's very easy to overthink this.

I suppose you could say I was/am using AVRT, though picking up the drink again belies that.

I've tried AA.

Never been to a counselor.

In a way it feels like that first drink, after 30+ days, flipped a switch in my head, you know?

It really sounds like you were lied to. It sounds like some one convinced you that the end result of drinking would be pleasurable, but it sounds like that is not in fact the case.

I know if I drank the immediate effect would be pleasurable, but I also know that unless I maintained that alcohol content in my bloodstream the physical pleasure would diminish and psychological displeasure would replace it. So given what I know, for me, I can't drink because I would not be able to handle not drinking after I started. That may be hyperbolic , but in essence that is the crux of it.
wish you well

Reality is a dynamic process of continous moments of experiences and we internally sort through and manage those moments in different measures of value relative to how we think and feel about ourselves all at the same time.

So, sometimes something means something else depending on whatever - for instance a vacation means more potentially if we enjoyed our last vacation - we anticipate a better time - and ice cream tastes "better" if we feel comforted by it - and a good friend is more trusted if we have something to lose by them breaking our trust - and quitting drinking is easier if drinking is harder - and life is great if...

Expectations and anticipations create excitement and excitement invites us to want to be satisfied and satisfaction creates well-being and allows us to appreciate ourselves all the more. When these kind of experiences are unfortuanately entrenched and internalised although externally our lives don't match up and our ducks are all over the place; it can be very attractive to just let it slide into having another drink so as to more easily cling to our subjective selves. Its not like taking that drink is harmful at that moment to that drinker - its more like it just dosen't make enough real-time sense to say no to that drink - even though there may exist a strong no to the idea that drinking is okay - just for now, drinking is better, and quitting just gets moved into the future.

Anyways.

I've tried to keep my answer brief - there are many windows opened to examine within ourselves when we take a look at ourselves as we are internally measured against how effectively we deal with the external world of our lives.

That's exactly the problem - the fist drink does flip a switch. Which in turn reinforces the importance of having a sobriety plan that works for you to keep from picking up the first drink

So either you are not following your plan vigilantly enough, or the plan/method you are using isn't suitable. I am not judging you on either ground, but to troubleshoot what is happening you need to look at it logically. Those would be the 2 places I would concentrate my efforts if I were in your situation.

I suppose you could say I was/am using AVRT, though picking up the drink again belies that. -Quote Lessgravity

You can still be using AVRT it just messes with your BP and right now it sounds like your beast is having a field day with your relapse.

sorry to hear that LG. You've not lost those days though-you can learn from them and see what you need to do differently next time so you don't pick up. I can relate as relapsed at 6 weeks, but I carried on drinkign for weeks. Good on you for coming back so soon.Don't beat yourself up,jump back on the horse-you CAN do this

Amen.