lessgravity

There's not a lot to discuss, right? I just gave in to the Beast, let my AV speak for me, bought a bottle and drank it. Then I did it again.

There was a person I felt myself becoming that seems to have left the building.

I don't want to start again, from square one. But that's where I've put myself.

jaynie04

Hi Less, I disagree, I don't think you are starting from square one at all, i think you took a brief detour, but you are back here aren't you. A lot of us are perfectionists and we have an all or nothing mentality. That can get in our way. Maybe this wasn't the path you had envisioned but perhaps it is the path you are meant to be on.

Make it a slip and not a relapse, you can do this!

Threshold

that sucks.

Try again?

we still like you

hayley86

I dont believe you are back at square one at all. Everything you learned in your recovery still applies now. Hopefully you know the reasons why you drank and you can prevent it from happening again. Glad you are here.

gatorgirl67

Awe Less...glad you're right back here!!! It's a journey, honey, we have to count all the experiences, good and bad. It's how we use those experiences to pave our future that really matters.

Anna

I'm glad you're back.

What can you do to prevent the same thing happening again? Learn from the experience and move on.

Mizzuno

Less. This is not an easy road, but it is a hell of alot easier than the misery that is associated with engaging in active alcoholism. DO NOT give up.

Pamel

Back at Day one too with the beast, so you have company. Sorry it is such depressing company, but as long as we keep fighting...

alphaomega

Awwww, buddy. I get you. I slipped a few nights ago as well. I hated going back to that familiar torture that absolutely failed to serve me in any way whatsoever. Well, it did serve to prove to me that I much prefer sobriety over the dead zone of booze. I also learned where my weakest point is, the one I still struggle to get through sober. And knowing that, for me, is invaluable.

So how about this - how about instead of just letting it take you back underwater, find the reason for the slip and vow to work on that character flaw ? This can destroy you, or maybe, just maybe lead you closer to your true self.

Not all slips need self flogging. They can be incredible growth opportunities if you nip that sucker in the bud and hop back on that horse.

Be well dear one. Ill be pulling for you.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear of your setback, but it is what it is. I would disagree that there is not a lot to discuss though, how about discussing how you will invite that person you were becoming back into your life? Or perhaps discussing how to make that person a permanent resident? Maybe this time you need to make some major changes in your plan too, you seem have had more than one lost battles with your AV.

We all resist change, especially permanent change. How can we help you find a way to accept the permanent change that is sobriety?

RobbyRobot

There's as much to discuss as you choose - for some alot to talk about. And for others - not so much. It doesn't matter either way - its really whatever you decide for YOU.

Perhaps don't look on it as starting from square one exactly - perhaps see it as a whole new start with a learned experience you didn't already have - a better insight into yourself to make the back-to-drinking experience have some value since its already in the past and the past is already whatever it is no changing it but we can change our attitudes about what we learn from our experiences!

GhostFace

Ive been to square one plenty of time and learned alot from my failures. I learned that every adversity carries with it the seed of a equal or greater benefit.

jkb

Hey Less-

It appears you know how it happened.... uugghhh. Anyway, without my last drinking episode I don't think I ever would have been motivated enough to do this. I had to KNOW that moderation was NEVER going to be an option.

So, looking back I don't regret the decision I made to drink that day. And I never regret the decision I make to NOT drink every single day now.

Start over....you learn from your time sober. Nothing can take that away.

Jess

lessgravity

Thank you everyone, this site is really an amazing place.

I wish I could say that there is something to learn from this return to the poison. The truth is that nothing at all in particular triggered it. I was home, I ordered wine and I drank it. I didn't even like the taste. Then I did again over the weekend, with my wife, who has been sober with me. I did again last night, and she had a glass herself.

The meditation that I'd been practicing twice daily, really comitted to it, has gone out the window. My anxiety and procrastination at work came right back with the hangovers.

I'm not sure what to do. Tired and lost.

alphaomega

I also wanted to point out, that this doesn't need to be your "Bottom". It can be your TOP as you stand there and reflect on who you are, how far you have come and what you are willing to do to stay there.

It doesn't have to be complete devastation.

You don't have to wait until your shaking from DT's or you re-blow out your nervous system.

You can, right now, make the concerted effort to move through the slip and get on with your bad self.

And here's a little true story for you :

I know of a pain doctor who was treating his father for back issues that came from a fall. He worked on him weekly trying to relieve him from his chronic pain, to no avail. One day. his father slipped on the ice.

That single slip jarred his body back to normalcy.

XO AO

RobbyRobot

I suggest having a look at the internal apathy awash in your statement above. When we have nothing to explain our behaviors it may help to examine why we didn't care enough to make different choices so as to have different outcomes. Sometimes doing nothing has us just living like its always same old same old.

With or without alcohol in your life - are there distinct differences which stand out for you? is something you may want to ponder.

lessgravity

Can you explain what you mean by apathy?

There's no question that my life was different and better without alcohol. There was peace, confidence, comfort. Of course days or hours of pain, ennui, worry - but they passed normally, without much incident. Nothing is better when I'm drinking, it only feeds itself.

Amajorityofone

Question-

Why did you stop drinking?

lessgravity

For every reason in the world. I drink too much when I drink and it negatively effects every aspect of my life.

RobbyRobot

I'm not thinking you want me to define apathy the word, so what I mean is sometimes we can think about all that is good and all that is painful and just kinda zero out the balance sheet and just continue with whatever seems to suit us best at those moments - and if your life is relatively unchanged from when you were drinking, then things can become apathetic in experience and this can make drinking seem like just another thing to do more then what may be obvious to the person about to take that drink.

For me, real differences exist with my internally experiencing what I believe is a good life, and what my external reality provides for me. More than once I've had to re-examine my ideas with some reality checks.