I don't know me
 

Wait until the miracle???? How long does that take? I know, I know, it takes however long it takes, however long you put into it, however MUCH you put into it, but I'm freaking miserable. Not just poor me, why me, this sucks kind of miserable, but that exhausted, this-will-never-end misery. Day in, day out, same old, same old. And not the nothing changes same old - I'm going to different meetings, hearing different things, learning different techniques, making my 'toolbox' (let me tell you, an ACTUAL hammer and saw would make a lot more sense to me right now) but it all feels so redundant and monotonous and horrifically permanent.

I the only one that feels like this?? I go through periods of sobriety, periods without sobriety, and I'm starting to feel like who gives a f*** about sobriety??? I'm just done, PERIOD. Trodding through life, living paycheck to paycheck, struggling to stay on top of the laundry and cleaning and make decent meals and get everyone off to where they need to be and having to be in treatment for 11.5 hours a week plus AA meetings plus a full-time job... There's not enough of me to go around and I feel like I am seriously on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I'm. Not. Functioning. I'm going through the motions, but nothing is getting through because there is just. too. much. Am I alone here?

I don't know what I'm looking for. Not advice, I suppose. I've gotten a lot of that and having someone tell me that it sounds like I need a meeting or I need to take a bath is not helping. I don't know what I need right now. Just someone else who understands. Because frankly, I feel like driving off a cliff right now.

Your at your wits end. I understand that. You need to take a step back and only do the necessary things. You sound exhausted mentally and physically. I don't know how to help you - could you get sick pay and stay off work for a while until you build your strength up again?

Sounds like a hard schedule - sometimes we just get stretched to thin.

I have no ideas what helps – drinking does not, no long term energy there.

I ain't going to tell you to go to a meeting since they aren't my thing. I won't tell you to have a bubble bath either : ) I have "black hole" sorta days too. I'm not waiting for any reward, I figure I'm living it. I'm not a drunken idiot anymore. I handle life as honestly as I can. I don't subscribe to waiting for any miracle in sobriety. I love your vent for exactly what it is. You are saying "my life sucks" and I want to rant about it. Well done.

I'm broke. Single. Childless...and trying to figure out how not to have temper tantrums at 46. So far...not so successful. My life is the sum of my choices to date. And that really pisses me off sometimes. But I'm discovering simpler pleasure these days.

Sounds like you don't have enough time with YOU though. I really don't know much enough about you, your sobriety, your life yadda yadda to offer any suggetions.

But I DO HEAR you...yes indeedy, I do.

Oh, God, it feels good just to get a few responses that don't say, "Look at what you have to be grateful for! Count your blessings! Be glad you have a job!" Gah! Trust me, I'm not an ungrateful jerk all the time, I swear. I love a lot of people and I try to do good things but things just SUCK right now. Honestly, it just feels really good to LET myself feel this. Things are hard! This is hard! Life is hard! Raising kids is hard! Candles and Enya don't make those things easier! Yes, I agree, neither does alcohol. But man, I really needed a good vent session without any judgement. I love this place.

"I'm broke. Single. Childless...and trying to figure out how not to have temper tantrums at 46. "


That's me too ... my last drink was on Monday 25th. I was involved in an accident due to my drinking on the 24th. The stupid crap I have been involved in over the last year due to my boozing is totally insane and beyond belief. I truly want to finish with drink. I feel it will kill me soon if I drink again ...:a108:

I totally get you. I'm sorry you're in such awful pain. I'm miserable too altho we have different life issues. I wake up and it's here we go again what's the point? Totally without joy.

But I'm not done yet. I suppose I'm just curious enough to keep going, maybe it will get better, even just a tiny bit.

Sounds like you need some serious rest.

No advice, just want you to know that you are heard.

Hee hee...love this.

Noexcuse in the pretty much the same place as you today. No advice here just a cyber hug:)

When you spread yourself thin like that,there's not enough of you to go around.
Sounds like you need to let go of a few things,or postpone them and have some "ME" time.

Are you suggesting that that wasn't the case when you were drinking? And that being drunk, hungover, sick and tired somehow made things better?

I've definitely got the insanity right there with you, closetored. Also all within this last year. Wrecked car, DUI (separate occasions, mind you), kids taken away twice, jail three times, and my first write-up at work in my entire career. And look at me? Now I'm pi$$ed that I have to clean up my wreckage. What a typical whiny drunk.

To spin off of your last line, closetored, if I drink again it might not kill me....but I might wish it had.

I hope you can find a way to cut back on activities to give yourself time to just chill and relax. I never do well if I'm busy all the time. :)

:lmao

For what it is worth, I recently realized that I have been very angry for a very long time. I believe that one day those feelings will fade, but I often feel lost.

Vent away.

Oh, no, no, not at all, Scott. These thoughts really don't have all that much to do with drinking. Drinking or no, using or no, my thoughts are kind of spinning like, "Is this it? Is this really all there is?" Maybe my end-of-the-summer blues are hitting me a little early this year, maybe my financial mess has got me in the dumps, who knows.

During one of my many, many, counseling sessions, I was told that I'm allowed to have a bad five minutes. I'm allowed to have a bad hour, or a bad day or month or year. But it never lasts forever. I guess I'm worried that I got wired wrong and I only see a good five minutes or hour or day and the rest is lousy. Stinkin' thinkin' and all that, I guess. I just can't seem to pull myself out of this this time.

There was a time at the peak of my using that I was just as addicted to my despair and misery as I was to drink and drugs. And my misery made the people around me miserable.

I chose to wallow in my personal hell. I changed when I stopped choosing that path.

Anyone know of some good exercise that requires no effort, no equipment, no skills, works for those that are completely out of shape, and makes them feel wonderful when they're done???

Not THAT'S some advice I could use.:c033:

Maybe a nice cup of highly caffeinated coffee will calm these nerves of mine. Haha. Better yet, there's only an hour left in the day (well, the work day, anyway) and the whole pot will probably be all mine. And if I don't drink it all, for once, I won't feel guilty dumping some of it out!! So there!

lol! You are very humorous when you're ticked off.

A sense of humor will carry you far. Good going.

Going for a walk?

Hi. Sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes nothing is fun or pleasurable and even breathing seems a chore. For me, when I just get tired of running from pain and discomfort I turn and lean into it and just feel it all. And I find that it ebbs away and hurts less. Sorry I don't have a better response for you, but I do hear you.

I hear you. I posted the other day about how I'm struggling. I know I've got much to be grateful though but I'm just sad sometimes. I'm restless, discontent and irritable a lot of days. I just turned 60, am single and sometimes wonder is this it for me?

So you are not alone and vent on.

I know exactly how you feel. I was going through that all last week. At one point, I was on my way to get high, but I was praying the whole time, and I ended up at the beach instead. I sat there for two hours just watching the birds and the water and the people. (Not creepy, I promise. Lol) I couldn't believe how vivid everything was. I hadn't seen life so clearly in so many years, that I felt like it was my first time on the planet. Then I walked. Simply walked. That, coupled with the beach, released that "feel good" chemical in my brain and I was able to get through the day, then the next, then by time I knew it, the whole week went by, and I was still clean and sober.

Sounds to me you're on recovery overload. That's totally normal. Taking a break and doing what you want for yourself is a good thing. Just don't drink or use. Anything else is fine. Maybe eat something yummy! Oooooh! That'll feel good.

Anyway, I'm pulling for you. Just know, you're not the only one who feels like sobriety is a joke, and we're better off drinking/using. But honestly, sobriety is amazing. And it does get better. :)

Sometimes you need to cry. Cry hard and purposefully punch your pill

Pillows not pills (oops) or that too!
And let it out feeling exhausted after

Haha, ImperfectlyMe, I'll try not to punch any pills! And Brae82, I want to join you on that beach, not creepily watching people. I need some good, decent serenity (and maybe some laughs - watching people chasing down runaway towels and getting knocked over by surprise waves always tickles my funny bone).

Well, I went to counseling yesterday and vented there, too. One thing that they suggested (and is allowed - who knew?) is to feel your emotion, know your emotion, and just let it sit there. Put it to the side and keep on moving forward. Yes, it's there. I might be feeling sad or mad or anxious or whatever - and that's all ok - but it doesn't have to be who I am. For those in AA, maybe those not, I'm sure you've heard the saying, "Act as if." I think that applies to my feelings right now. I am feeling discontent, yes, still, even though it's a fricking new day and I purposely got out on the other side of the bed, but that feeling can just be there and not be in control of me. I don't have to act on that feeling. What I want to do and what I have done in the past is taken that feeling and acted on it - gotten into a fight, isolated, attempted (often unsuccessfully) to use the silent treatment, or focused on other negatives. These are all actions that resulted from the negative feeling. I guess this is somewhat of an epiphany, but I don't have to act on the feelings. I get to feel them without letting them take control. Kind of like the thought of drinking doesn't have to lead to the act of drinking.

I have to admit, though, feeling something and not letting it cause an action is, like, REALLY hard!! All of that talking and feeling and getting things out at counseling, and as soon as I got home, I grabbed the kitchen scissors and cut off my hair! Don't worry, it wasn't a Brittany Spears moment - I really, truly needed a haircut (although a professional with actual haircutting experience would probably have been better) and it actually turned out kind of cute. I must be improving somewhat from those botched attempts at cutting my own bangs when I was a child. But I just HAD to do SOMETHING to make myself feel better.

So, here I sit, feeling sh*tty and trying not to act sh*tty. It's like I am re-learning how to be a human. Wonder how many more years of therapy that's going to take???
:dunce:

That's exactly how I feel..or perhaps..learning how to be a grown up : ) I like the term Brae used "recovery overload". That's exactly how I felt last week in a couple of moments on a couple of days that I really just wanted to throw in the towel and go back to life under the drunken rock. Everything started to overwhelm me...mostly my own emotions. I felt like I was bumping into everybody's "stuff" and they in turn were bumping into mine. (for Seinfeld fans..."Serenity Now!!") Somehow I think that pointed to the boundaries I am still in the process of erecting. Sometimes I just need to back off into my self and do what needs to be done for me. To do so, I need to take the time to center and listen to myself...figure out what's really eating me and do what I can to resolve what I can. Yes, life is no picnic and the sooner we accept that..the easier it is. For some reason, I really figured I should just be having a good time all the time and if I wasn't..there was something wrong. Well, that' thinking got me into this immature mess : )

If I did the business of growing up 25 years ago rather than escaping to the drink...well....hindsight is 20/20 : )

Really glad you posted about all this.

Another funny beach siting that always cracks me up is the fly-away umbrella!! The one that smacks the unexpecting.... Because someone was too lazy to dig a deep enough hole to properly anchor it:)

Noexuse I'm glad you were able to start processing some emotions. Learning to feel deal and move on is hard work. You got this and you are in touch with your emotions. I think some sunnier days are in your horizon. Sending happy thoughts if you can't get out if your crappy mood YouTube some videos of people falling:) that's a proven chuckle evoker

You know, I just figured out after all these years, You ave to pour out the poison. So here goes.

[QUOTE=noexcuse;4147448]Anyone know of some good exercise that requires no effort, no equipment, no skills, works for those that are completely out of shape, and makes them feel wonderful when they're done???

Not THAT'S some advice I could use.:c033:

Yes, drinking alcohol. It requires very little effort, no skills, works for those who are completely out of shape and then you feel wonderful when you are done......but for how long? Answer: not long at all and never for long enough, you end up feeling exactly the way you do now.