noexcuse

Wait until the miracle???? How long does that take? I know, I know, it takes however long it takes, however long you put into it, however MUCH you put into it, but I'm freaking miserable. Not just poor me, why me, this sucks kind of miserable, but that exhausted, this-will-never-end misery. Day in, day out, same old, same old. And not the nothing changes same old - I'm going to different meetings, hearing different things, learning different techniques, making my 'toolbox' (let me tell you, an ACTUAL hammer and saw would make a lot more sense to me right now) but it all feels so redundant and monotonous and horrifically permanent.

I the only one that feels like this?? I go through periods of sobriety, periods without sobriety, and I'm starting to feel like who gives a f*** about sobriety??? I'm just done, PERIOD. Trodding through life, living paycheck to paycheck, struggling to stay on top of the laundry and cleaning and make decent meals and get everyone off to where they need to be and having to be in treatment for 11.5 hours a week plus AA meetings plus a full-time job... There's not enough of me to go around and I feel like I am seriously on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I'm. Not. Functioning. I'm going through the motions, but nothing is getting through because there is just. too. much. Am I alone here?

I don't know what I'm looking for. Not advice, I suppose. I've gotten a lot of that and having someone tell me that it sounds like I need a meeting or I need to take a bath is not helping. I don't know what I need right now. Just someone else who understands. Because frankly, I feel like driving off a cliff right now.

13unluckyforsom

Your at your wits end. I understand that. You need to take a step back and only do the necessary things. You sound exhausted mentally and physically. I don't know how to help you - could you get sick pay and stay off work for a while until you build your strength up again?

soberhawk

Sounds like a hard schedule - sometimes we just get stretched to thin.

I have no ideas what helps – drinking does not, no long term energy there.

Nuudawn

I ain't going to tell you to go to a meeting since they aren't my thing. I won't tell you to have a bubble bath either : ) I have "black hole" sorta days too. I'm not waiting for any reward, I figure I'm living it. I'm not a drunken idiot anymore. I handle life as honestly as I can. I don't subscribe to waiting for any miracle in sobriety. I love your vent for exactly what it is. You are saying "my life sucks" and I want to rant about it. Well done.

I'm broke. Single. Childless...and trying to figure out how not to have temper tantrums at 46. So far...not so successful. My life is the sum of my choices to date. And that really pisses me off sometimes. But I'm discovering simpler pleasure these days.

Sounds like you don't have enough time with YOU though. I really don't know much enough about you, your sobriety, your life yadda yadda to offer any suggetions.

But I DO HEAR you...yes indeedy, I do.

noexcuse

Oh, God, it feels good just to get a few responses that don't say, "Look at what you have to be grateful for! Count your blessings! Be glad you have a job!" Gah! Trust me, I'm not an ungrateful jerk all the time, I swear. I love a lot of people and I try to do good things but things just SUCK right now. Honestly, it just feels really good to LET myself feel this. Things are hard! This is hard! Life is hard! Raising kids is hard! Candles and Enya don't make those things easier! Yes, I agree, neither does alcohol. But man, I really needed a good vent session without any judgement. I love this place.

closetored

"I'm broke. Single. Childless...and trying to figure out how not to have temper tantrums at 46. "


That's me too ... my last drink was on Monday 25th. I was involved in an accident due to my drinking on the 24th. The stupid crap I have been involved in over the last year due to my boozing is totally insane and beyond belief. I truly want to finish with drink. I feel it will kill me soon if I drink again ...

Leshar

I totally get you. I'm sorry you're in such awful pain. I'm miserable too altho we have different life issues. I wake up and it's here we go again what's the point? Totally without joy.

But I'm not done yet. I suppose I'm just curious enough to keep going, maybe it will get better, even just a tiny bit.

Sounds like you need some serious rest.

No advice, just want you to know that you are heard.

Nuudawn

Hee hee...love this.

ImperfectlyMe

Noexcuse in the pretty much the same place as you today. No advice here just a cyber hug

resolute50

When you spread yourself thin like that,there's not enough of you to go around.
Sounds like you need to let go of a few things,or postpone them and have some "ME" time.

ScottFromWI

Are you suggesting that that wasn't the case when you were drinking? And that being drunk, hungover, sick and tired somehow made things better?

noexcuse

I've definitely got the insanity right there with you, closetored. Also all within this last year. Wrecked car, DUI (separate occasions, mind you), kids taken away twice, jail three times, and my first write-up at work in my entire career. And look at me? Now I'm pi$$ed that I have to clean up my wreckage. What a typical whiny drunk.

To spin off of your last line, closetored, if I drink again it might not kill me....but I might wish it had.

Anna

I hope you can find a way to cut back on activities to give yourself time to just chill and relax. I never do well if I'm busy all the time.

AlefVavResh

For what it is worth, I recently realized that I have been very angry for a very long time. I believe that one day those feelings will fade, but I often feel lost.

Vent away.

noexcuse

Oh, no, no, not at all, Scott. These thoughts really don't have all that much to do with drinking. Drinking or no, using or no, my thoughts are kind of spinning like, "Is this it? Is this really all there is?" Maybe my end-of-the-summer blues are hitting me a little early this year, maybe my financial mess has got me in the dumps, who knows.

During one of my many, many, counseling sessions, I was told that I'm allowed to have a bad five minutes. I'm allowed to have a bad hour, or a bad day or month or year. But it never lasts forever. I guess I'm worried that I got wired wrong and I only see a good five minutes or hour or day and the rest is lousy. Stinkin' thinkin' and all that, I guess. I just can't seem to pull myself out of this this time.

doggonecarl

There was a time at the peak of my using that I was just as addicted to my despair and misery as I was to drink and drugs. And my misery made the people around me miserable.

I chose to wallow in my personal hell. I changed when I stopped choosing that path.

noexcuse

Anyone know of some good exercise that requires no effort, no equipment, no skills, works for those that are completely out of shape, and makes them feel wonderful when they're done???

Not THAT'S some advice I could use.

Maybe a nice cup of highly caffeinated coffee will calm these nerves of mine. Haha. Better yet, there's only an hour left in the day (well, the work day, anyway) and the whole pot will probably be all mine. And if I don't drink it all, for once, I won't feel guilty dumping some of it out!! So there!

AlefVavResh

lol! You are very humorous when you're ticked off.

doggonecarl

A sense of humor will carry you far. Good going.

ScottFromWI

Going for a walk?