Relapse? Post here.
 

I am a "chronic" relapser, after years sober. (3 days now-again-but I don't count anymore because every morning when I wake up is a new Day 1.)

Golly (there's a dated word!) if I can relapse after all I know and 100s+ AA meetings...well anyone can. My best friend killed himself after 5 years sobriety and every reason to live, because he took that fateful drink on Monday, fought through the week, called everyone he knew on Friday to say that he would be out of town, then on the next Monday morning, jumped from the 11th floor of his building, having drunken himself into a stupor. I still have that tape from his voicemail.

I think he could not face 1 more recovery. Goodness knows (substitute for G**) I DO NOT WANT TO BE HIM.

So, if you you relapse, please post here. It helps all of us. (Selfishly, help me!!).

Pamel. I am wondering if you've been able to talk to someone about your friend and what happened to him? Sometimes, when things like that happen, we tend to blame ourselves and emulate the behaviour as a result :( If your friend was determined to do that, there is nothing anyone could have done :(
Do you think the tragedy of what happened, is what is causing your relapses?
It's just a thought x

Pamel I'm sorry for your loss. Unfortunately one is more than enough and we have no control of others. All we can do is one day at a time not drink. BE WELL

Thanks ZoeM.

There is never a cause if one is securely placed in sobriety. All I can claim is that I have been through a rough week with the bf's grandchild. Not an excuse, but it has been hard to get to meetings with a breathalyzer in the car. (The bf doesn't want this known). Personally, I would rather "out" this with his family (mine knows) but he likes to maintain fiction.

I am so sorry to hear that Pamel :(. That absolutely does NOT have to be you!! I'm sure you'll get it right, hopefully this time. Even if not, keep trying until you get there!!

Relapsing happens, and I think this is a great idea for a support thread!

Day 2 for me (for the millionth time), hopefully my last :)

Hi Pamel....something isn't working and I believe only you know what that is. Neither AA or SR seem to be assisting you in your decision to stay sober. And for me that's the rub, do you really want sobriety? Is it possible you feel disillusioned by sobriety? I mean if your friend could put together 5 years and it all still end tragically...I'm thinking you might have some thoughts on that. I think Zoe is on to something. I think there might be a connection between your difficulty with committing to sobriety and your friend's demise. I too think maybe one on one counselling might be helpful if you haven't tried that already. Forgive me...but there is something not serious enough sounding when you post about your relapses..there is somehow too much "ah well" tone. Are you angry at sobriety?? It almost feels like you are looking for comfort with bands of relapsers than long term sober folk. I just can't help feeling like there is something you are not looking at. What is it?

You have no way of knowing why your friend chose to take his life. Please don't project onto your own recovery and stuggles with it.

Despair is a dark place. Much darker when you are drinking than when you are not. Your friend was drinking.

On the issue of relapse. I was a relapser for awhile. I had to get honest with myself and ask. "Why am I doing this? What am I getting out of it?" Because I rarely do anything for no reason at all. I was seeking to get SOMETHING out of relapse.

I know I sought attention and someone to save me. That didn't work, so at least I got no positive reinforcement for that. I was looking for relief. That didn't come. Drinking and drugging again did nothing to end my anxiety. It didn't reconnect me with friends or a happy atmosphere.

It took me a few times to realize that relapse held nothing for me. That's where I am today. I KNOW relapse doesn't work. So I've decided to live sober.

I agree with Nuudawn. Your post is almost as though you are resigned to relapse,you expect it even. Areyou looking to do something different this time? Is your bf preventing your recovery.I don't know how the brethalyzer in car thing works but not sure how this would prevent you from going to meetings?

I know Dee always says if what we're doing isn't working it's time to try something new. Maybe WFS or SMART or indeed individual counselling,as others have suggested

You know, I had tried half-heartedly for 4 years to quit - never made it past 10 - 14 days, as wasn't really that bothered.
This time, it just so happened, that my quit date (aug 8th) would have been my Mum's bday (she passed 21 yrs ago from cancer)
It's given me extra motivation - sort of dedicating it to her memory. It feels like something I can still do for her, other than take flowers to her grave, obviously.
Wondering if it would help you, to perhaps dedicate it to your friend?
Just a thought :)

Nuudawn, I listen to you constantly. I am fighting a battle with the "Could-ofs, should-ofs, would-ofs" and trying to resolve it. 40+ years ago I was part of a suicide (I think) of the man I was supposed to marry. Had I done differently, I "might" have had the life of my dreams. But, of course, life takes many twists and turns, so who knows?

I am still grieving, and, of course, living in the past. Not good. Logging back on here is a step in the right direction, and for that, I am grateful.

ZoeM, you have an important message. Yes, I may have to dedicate a recovery to this person. He wrote in a book I have: "May we best use our talents..."

I have not forgotten this. It haunts me.

Pamel,

I think I now understand the difference between a lapse and relapse.

A lapse is if you go out and cave to that drink... just once. A relapse is when, after that first drink you continue to drink for days on end because you are in a negative state of emotion.

However, all my negative states of emotion are a direct result of me having that very first sip of wine and then partying it up until I fall down..

I now know in my heart that if I don't have that very first sip of wine, then I won't end up feeling gross, embarrassed, and disgusted. If I don't feel gross, embarrassed, and disgusted; then I won't be anxious, depressed, lonely, embarrassed, frustrated, angry, etc...

Lapse... Relapse... Sobrietry... Lapse... Relapse... Sobrietry... and on and on and on...

Seriously, it is a miserable cycle. It really needs to stop. No excuses anymore!!!

Brilliant. Later on, Pamel fills in some of the significant blanks to which you alluded. This thread has become disturbing for me to follow.

Pamel: You're mourning the death of the man you were supposed to marry, and what for you was your predetermined future. Once he was gone, and the future you imagined you would have with him, why bother doing anything? Why try to make anything better in your life when it only ends in death? Loss? Grief?

Obviously, 40+ years is a very long time to live in mourning or grief; or stay frozen in your past. You can't work through these traumatic events unless and until you actually work through them. None of us "gets over" or makes complete sense of these things. Seems as though what you've experienced accounts in part for your sense of resignation, and your apparent desire to commiserate with others in similar situations.

Misery doesn't love company; it loves miserable company. And, by itself, this rarely brings us to a better place.

It doesn't seem that this is the way out for you. Time to try something different.

Nuudawn, You are so right. I cannot look at the news in the morning without knowing how I f**ked up.I hate this in myself, but there it is. You all help me more than you know. :ring

I relapsed just once. I am now almost 7 months sober. I don't plan to replase again but I have to be honest, open and willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober. I hope you can do the same.

I'm sorry about your friend. Our disease is relentless.

Pamel I believe we write our own story.

I used to write a story of loneliness anger fear pain and loss - the ending to that one was never going to be a very good one.

I want you to have a happy ending - I believe you want that too.

It's time to start writing *that* story :)

what can you do differently?
D

Dee, you are right: I have written a negative story for myself with a bad ending. I am seeing a therapist today and will bring that up.

Good to hear from you Pamel, thanks for sharing this. Nice to know you're making some positive plans.

Best as always.

At some point, you're not a chronic relapser...you're just a drinker...I hope you find your way...

Being real with ourselves is its own reward. When things go horribly south, its on the wall things need to be changed up. Its really an inside job to start with, and more often then not, when we get out of our own way, changes come more easily. :)

Remorse and guilty feelings really have no upside, and its totally natural to want to dump them and get on with living, yet sometimes we feel more guilty about just moving on...

Sounds trite, but the best medicine for feeling angst is to just let it go and let it alone while at the same time embracing new hopes and new ideas for having a better day going forward. :)

None of us deserve to fail at being happy and successful in our own eyes. We each and everyone of us can be the real deal we so want to be deep in our hearts and minds. :)

Life is so much what we make it out to be for ourselves. Our choices really do make the differences we need to create the life we want to live. We all have a past that brought us pain and ruin - and we all have the ability to turn ourselves away from despair and journey ourselves into a better life!

Lot's of amazing shares in this thread!

:c011:

I'm not sure I understand the fault or blame you are carrying. Whether it be the past betrothed or your friend you mentioned initially. You cannot control the tragic choices of others. These two souls who chose to end their misery fatally are no longer in pain...yet you still carry it. The key to my sobriety is living in the now and no longer dwelling in the self pity and victimhood of my past nor anticipating or waiting on something better to arrive in my future. My now is all I have...all I can control...all I can make changes in. In my mind, when I am drifting I continually save my own arse by returning to my NOW. Both my past and my future gets my thinking into trouble. I am set completely adrift in those places.

My recovery is an all encompassing thing. Sobriety is the key to my recovery in the very broadest sense. The only way I can make changes is by having the wits about me to face each moment of reality rather than escaping them in the denial of alcohol. I accomplish absolutely nothing drunk. I cannot address my problematic thinking or choices with impaired faculties. I am in the process of getting myself "unphucked up". Alcohol was not the sole cause of my phucked upness. Alcohol was the remedy I chose for my phucked upness. It consumed, exacerbated and denied my phucked upness but I always returned from the "trip" still phucked up and worse off with every trip to denial and stagnation.

I am so very glad you are seeing a therapist and I hope its one you resonate with. I consider mine a freakin' wizard. She has held my hand and given me the permission my approval seeking mind required to become my own authority and best friend. She has often said to me that she hasn't taught me anything..that I already possessed the answers. What she gave me was the greatest gift. It was a voice I never heard before. No one ever told me it was okay to listen to myself. I actually just got a bit emotional when I typed that. Although I am my own authority on earthly ground, I do have a spiritual entity I call on in doubt. I am not sure what exactly that entity is but its my co-pilot. Okay..it's the Pilot but I'm the first officer : )

Rooting for you Pamel and glad that you're seeing a therapist. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend and your bethrothed. I agree with others that you can't keep projecting -- saying that your fiancee's suicide was your fault or that you'll end up like your friend.

I know someone who had someone very, very close to them commit suicide. This bereaved person has never forgotten their loved one and still talks about them but they've moved on with their life -- they now have 19 years of sobriety and they help other people to get and stay sober. This person has indeed been helping me. They're like a light in my life. I'm 46 days back (I'm no stranger to relapse myself) and I couldn't have done it without this person.

I bet that when you had those years of sobriety that you helped other people too. I believe that you can get back to that point again. I believe that you can be a light in the lives of many people. It all starts with day 1. Take it one day at a time. My friend got that 19 years sober by taking it one day at a time, believe me.

I did see my therapist and brought all this up (thanks for all your responses). She had a lot of insights, and I have work to do (assigned by her). Went to a meeting (trying different meetings to expand my sober community).

Hey, I am boring myself with all this back and forth. It only matters if I don't drink. So far today, so good, and I do have all of you to thank. I feel as though I have really shared too much here, but sometimes, by putting it in words, I can see where I am "stuck". I trusted my instincts, and wrote here.

BTW, I haven't ever written about my friend's suicide, or for that matter, this 40+ years of mourning that has weighed me down. It helps.

Another BTW, all those years of sobriety, (while I was supporting husband 2), he was constantly cheating on me with AA people. Finally got evidence of that, and although he can claim 30+? years of sobriety, he was certainly a 13th-stepper.

Sooo... if people don't mind, I will continue this thread. I guess if it is difficult for some people to read, then you don't have to read it. I DO WANT SOBRIETY. ...AND I AM DOING MY BEST.

PS. Thank you Louise82 and Nuudawn especially!

Having read through the whole thread, I can't see any reason for you not to continue. I thought the whole point of this site was for people to share what they are going through and offer support to others, as well.

Please continue sharing your struggles, it doesn't only help you....

Thanks misterritter.

Sometimes I feel like I am very tired of my own inability to deal with this. I kind of felt what I wrote was a true assessment of my feelings, and what I think I have to confront. It has taken me a long time to get to this point, and I hesitate to put it in "writing" but just re-reading what I wrote, and the comments, made quite a difference in my life today.

Thank you for helping me to feel better about putting deep-seated and raw emotions out there. I was apprehensive.

Hi Pamel,

I've watched your struggle with this and am glad that you decided to come forth with some further info. Sometimes clueing people in to the depth of what has happened is helpful. You've got a lot of great info from here and I'm glad that you're seeing a counselor.

The tough part of what causes someone to relapse is that no matter what's read on this board, no matter what they seem to try, no matter how they go about trying to not to give in it comes down to two words.

"Who cares?".

I think that we try to squelch those two words by coming here and by trying to work our plan but in the end it doesn't seem to matter. Those two words are repeated and that first drink is taken.

You're going to find a lot of people who care on this board whether you relapse or not, including me. I can't begin to imagine the struggle that you're dealing with. However, you're going to have to find a way to finally to come to the point that when your brain gets you to those two words that you respond back

"I care, that's who".

This all starts with you. :hug:

Thanks LadyBlue.

I DO have to care, and posting here has helped. I brought out a lot a dark secrets, and once in the light, they seem to have lost some of their power. "The proof's in the pudding", as an old saying goes, and so far today, it is a good pudding...

I love that Pamel : ) I'm not sure where I picked it up...perhaps in John Bradshaw's work or the book Spirituality of Imperfection (sorry I push that book constantly)..but I read that true healing occurs when we tell our stories and there are compassionate non-judgmental ears to listen. Nice work!

Nuudawn, thank you. I was starting to believe I blab too much. Maybe too little about what is going on.

Someone above referred to me as a "drinker" (not sure if that was a plus or minus) but I am CERTAINLY an alcoholic. No, I don't drink to get drunk anymore, but I am so sick of this stuff. I just want to quit. You have encouraged my looking at what underlies this start-stop drinking behavior, and just know you have helped!