As I said before I will log in and read as often as I can; just won't be answering messages or post. I love this place and the people .I just have nothing I can offer anyone right now and wanted the people who reached out to understand why I am not responding . I have been reading books and taking in a lot of info . Plan to stay sober; if I am in this town w\ the insurance I have it shouldn't be a problem. But as I said if I am forced to goto my home town then I am in trouble .

I am not sure where you are going but if there is an AA local chapter or AA intergroup in your area you can call them and get information on smaller discussion groups, Big book or 12 step meetings. Some of these tend to be smaller. Also women or men only groups tend to be smaller as well. The people that work the chapter and at intergroup go to the local meetings themselves and can give you first hand advice on these meetings. They can also give rides to people.

There are also 12 step call options. That is were one or several people come to you. They can talk to you at home and perhaps suggest small meetings.

Just another option to think about. It would be far better to reach out then to place yourself in isolation. Just because you can't reach SR does not mean you cannot reach out. There is help, if you want it.

TY I understand that; and as I said AA is not for me .. Been there done that .. the 12 steps is something I am not all for .. But I am going to try and get "here" just won't be answering messages or posts. Again TY all so much.. Hopefully after I see my Doc Wednesday; and speak about counseling I might be in a better place.

I am sorry. I misunderstood your post to mean AA was not for you because there was to many people and that caused the anxiety.

I wish you well in whatever recovery plan you decide works for you.

We don't have to decide on any particular
recovery program right here and now. There
are so many programs available out there
for the chosing and that can be decided
down the road.

What's important right now and at this moment
is learning about addiction. There are many
addictions that affect people everyday and
it is killing many everyday. Not because they
want to die, they just want to stop the insanity
of not knowing why it affects them the way it
does and not knowing how to stop it before
it kills them.

There are so many resources available with
people that are trained in areas of addiction
and how to help those who need it and can't
stop the addiction on their own.

For me, I was one of those who tried countless
time to stop drinking for one reason or another
and failed many times. I wanted to stop but the
addiction to a drug or alcohol was too powerful
and attractive that I couldn't and didn't want to
leave it alone.

It continued to call my name loudly, secretively,
softly, inticing me, tricking me, luring me in many
different way and I was too weak to leave it alone
till it nearly killed me.

It wasn't my fault that I couldn't stop on my
own. Addiction to anything is extremely powerful.
Learning why I was addicted to alcohol and how
it affected me personally, my own body, system,
makeup, mind, physically, mentally, emotionally,
physcologically, then and only then was I able to
not drink one day at a time.

It's not my fault and no one is to blame for my
addiction. Addiction is real and can be treated
by many recovery solutions available to us. I
had to be taught just like going to school to
learn a trade. Someone had to be the teacher
and I was the pupil who had to begin learning
from kindegarden till now. And even now, im
still learning new ways to live happy and free
without my addiction.

The most rewarding thing about recovery is,
I didn't and don't have to learn this stuff on
my own. There will always be someone, somewhere's
to help me understand things I don't know or
cant figure out and that is extremely comforting
to know.

I surely couldn't be sober this long on my own
because I surely didn't want to be sober 22yrs ago
or yrs. before.

Im grateful for all those who were instrumental
in my own recovery. All those who learned themselves
how to stay sober or clean a day at a time from
those before them and passed on that knowledge
to me.

Be willing, teachable, responsible, accepting, honest
and you too will know what it is like to be happy. :)

August, I know things can feel bleak and dark. I would love to give you some comforting cliche, but I know how annoying those are when you are feeling low. The best advice I can offer is to not view the big picture at this time or try and predict how things will go if you move, or even if you will "die alone". That sort of thought process will continue to keep you down and feeling low, which the addiction LOVES.
I also have had paralyzing anxiety, especially in social situations with large groups or unfamiliar places, so I know how terrible it can be. There is no worse feeling in the world, at least that I have experienced. You are at around 2 weeks sober, so you really havent even began to feel what life can be like if you allow yourself more time to heal. You wont always have that horrible anxiety and pain, it will pass and become something you can manage. You may have some anxiety, as I think like me, you are prone to it, but it doesn't have to control you at the level it is right now. You are in withdrawal, and that can really toy with your emotions and outlook. Recognize this as a symptom of the addiction, and try and not put to much stock into those thoughts. It wont always appear this dark and hopeless, I promise. Its just how it seems to go at the start of sobriety, and your thoughts will race, and your emotions will be all over the board. The thing is, it will level out as your brain heals and your chemicals start to balance, but it takes time. The way you feel right now, is not how you will feel in even a month from now, let alone in say a year. Things can really turn around for the better, as long as you stick with the sobriety through this trying stage. I feel for you, because I remember how awful it can be. Hang in there ;)

Thanx I am sticking w\ being sober no doubt in my mind; but I am loosing my home; my cats and the woman I love .. So a week\month\year won't make a bit of difference :( It is not the addiction or w\drawls It is my life crumbling around me that has me in this dark place .. Sorry if that was "rude" ..

So many have lost everything that has meant
a lot to them, coming so close to destroying
what they have worked so hard for. So close
to death themselves.

Death is final. To die would mean not having
anything else to worry about. No loved ones,
no home, no job. Nothing.

Many of that stuff in our lives is just that. STUFF.

We can always replace STUFF, but we can't replace
ourselves or loved ones if we die due to addiction.

I listened to many who shared how close to
death they were. Those committed to the physciatric
ward. Ive been there. :( Just one night because I
tried to end my miserable life with pills and a dare
that I would do it. That was when family called the
authorities to pick me up and feeling like a common
criminal.

Did I think about the kids last day of vacation
bible school of fun and swimming. Not one thought
crossed my mind when I downed those pills. Did
I think about my little ones living the rest of their lives
without their mom. Not even a thought made me
stop when I down those pills.

Addiction doesn't care who it kills, who it hurts,
it shows no mercy. It doesn't care if u loose family
or loved ones. It doesn't care if u loose ur home,
job, ur physical or mental health.


Drugs and alcohol has its own job to do then
to worry about all that other stuff that means
so much to us.

Im glad I had help to put alcohol in its place.
Yes, it is dormant, asleep, and no one can wake
it but me if I give into the temptation of it if I
stop living a program of recovery.

Just like a home that gets old by the wear and
tear of yrs. weathered and lived in. Maintenance
as needed is important to stay strong for yrs.
on end. Maintanence on old cars is also similar
if you want it to continue running smoothly and
efficiently.

My long life in recovery depends on maintenance
each day incoperating those tools and knowledge
I learned in early recovery and all those days inbetween.

TY for TYing us. Come back when you feel ready, you know yourself better than we do. Sometimes a little downtime/isolation can be good and healthy; sometimes its not such a good thing. Be well.

Hi, again, August.

Thank you for telling us what's going on.

As for that you have nothing to offer anyone right now...It's not true, but I won't bug you now about this)

You are going through some hard times now. Maybe you need some "emotional decompression". Just find some way to contact us if you feel like and don't think about what you can offer - just post or pm.

Take care of yourself.

Thanx MB :) Just reading now; seems I have no "urge" to drink so to say; but I WANT to b\c "I Don't Wanna Deal" But I know I have to face the music sometime . Not to mention if there is any hope of regaining my life Beers are not gonna help it ..

I wish you the best, AugustWest11. We will be here when you need us, just pop in when you can. Whatever happens, remember there's hope so long as you're alive.

I have no plans on dieing :p what if any the cosmic plan for me is; I don't know but I know I don't plan to die .. Thanx .. Seems I get to check in until work maybe .. Not sure .. Just been reading and "wanting" to drown my worries .. But no urge to drink lol

Most times things get bad before they get better. Life has many surprises, and not all are great. It will pass.

Alcoholism splits us off from the herd and then it kills us. Alcoholism is a very jealous lover it does not want to share us because sharing threatens its existence. Isolation is and always will be one of the biggest threats to sobriety.

AugustWest11 , As hard as it may seem at this moment , find strength , its in you/me. I'm where you are. The elevator up is here , lets get on. Sending Prayers for strength

Thanx Trik :) I am good though; at least sober wise .. I am pretty entrenched in that thought right now . Been reading, learning, & sadly finding myself :(