I know. I think of my kids all the time. And would hate any of them to feel the way I always have.

I will. Just have to wait for my husband to have enough holiday hours up.

I've done rehab before. It didnt work, I went out and used even harder but I'm sure this time it will. I don't think I can taper myself. Went well for awhile then took double my dose the last couple of days, 60mg plus lots of codeine .

I was detoxed in hospital sept 2011, I was acutely malnourished, I was on a feeding tube for 3 weeks up my nose... I have been probed, prodded, poked, gagged, drained, lifted in and out of a bath in hospital, anaethsatised, had 2 teeth pulled, lost all body hair, lost boobs... but I'm still smiling and after over a year sober, my liver isn't even fatty now... you can get through anything if you surrender to the sheet you are going through... PS I hate valium... its funny that I have never taken to drugs but alcohol nearly killed me! (?)

Hi midlifecrisis,

Others will be way more qualified to help you with your sobriety (I'm struggling enough with my own), but I think I might be able to explain this:

It very well might work differently.

Medications which mess with the brain are often designed with time-release controls so that you don't get too much of the active ingredient at once. Crushing sometimes circumvents this.

I've done it too (not with benzos though). Maybe you should be careful, hard to know exactly how much you're getting if you're not using them the traditional way. Is it possible to OD on benzos?

I wish you the best of luck.

You are correct. I think Valium is designed to be absorbed at 1mg per umm I can't remember. This way I am getting alot all at once.

Benzos are hard to od on unless mixed with alcohol.

Sounds awful

Yeah... cheers.. It bloody was ;) Never make light of something you have not been through... I swelled up like a balloon with ascites and edema... one day I thought I would take a bath.... haha... took me 2 hours to get out, I was in so much pain... that was in March 2011... then in august my stomach swelled up like I was 7-9 months pregnant... it was toxic fluid that my liver was swilling out because it couldnt process it... I was luckily drained in hospital and they relieved my symptoms by draining 6.5 litres of fluid from my stomach cavity..... I may start a new thread about this because its important to get a liver function test for anyone who is either alcoholic, drug addicted, obese, diabetic... I cannot stress enough how much your liver has to go through if it is filtering toxins all the time!

If the pill does not have a line in the middle, it is NOT meant to be broken and you won't know if that particular dose will harm you immediately or not.

Try to do something for you, Mid, your kids need you fully present.

This is my first post here on SR....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-my-story.html

Sorry you went through that. Did you think I was making light of it???? I have detoxed from many things in my days.

They can be broken because my first ever prescription was 2.5mg, half a tablet 3 times a day. Back up to 60 now:(. I don't know what I'll do when I run out this week:(

Probably cuz you are not feeling at all. Sounds like you are numbing yourself to any feelings at all.

I think you're right.

Are you in the UK MLC?

No aus

I would love to numb my feelings... Doesn't turn out the way you plan it though... it usually ends in people not liking you, until you make amends with a bit of sobriety... my dog hated me until I got sober...that is true feelings when a blimmin chihuahua wont come near you until she smells the coffee not the vodka!

That probably means I need to try and sleep :( 3.16am Insomnia ... still, this website is great for keeping me on the path xxx

Midlife, it's my opinion you need some serious help from competent professionals. Judging by your posts here, it seems your issues run very deep. I also believe your issues run much deeper than addiction.I don't believe this site can offer you the help you need at this point in your addiction (for follow-up care yes, but right now you need more).

I urge you to give in and get yourself back into some kind of rehab--as in right now. Virtual group hugs, holding hands and singing Kumbya and words of encouragement from us won't be enough to help you get out of the hellish world you currently inhabit. You should at least start a 90 for 90 program (but I think you need more than that).

Sorry to be blunt, but I don't know any other way to put it, and frankly, I think you're in a very dangerous place right now. And most of all, you deserve a clean, healthy and happy life; work on getting that for yourself and your family.

Sleep well. It's lunchtime here

Blunt is fine:)

They do run deep. I got clean 13 years ago but was seriously bulimic that whole time. The drugs only came back last year. It just seems to Muxh to face.

I would love to do 90 in 90 ( you mean NA right ) but as I've said before ( sorry feel like
A broken record as I've said this before but with different posters coming in all the time
It's tricky ) my closest meeting is over 2 hours away :(

It's really hard trying to fjnd competent professionals out here in the sticks. I really need to deal with my childhood abuse, eating disorders plus attraction to drugs. It's so messy.

The counsellors I have seen out here all just pay me on the back and say 'how can we make your family life eaise? Put your youngest in daycare blah blahs. My current circumstances are great. Kids and hubby and money no probs. it's the deep stuff I've never faced. And it scares me. Last time I did rehab I wasn't ready and only stopped using again because I fell pregnant.