MLC, have you been to a clinical psychologist? This depression and the suicidal dark place is not a way to live. I am sorry that you are going through this. Is there any part of you that thinks that you might benefit from rehabilitation and therapy?
You have stated that you like this" feeling of sanity to much". I do not think that snorting anxiety meds in a bathroom is rational. Im not sure where the sanity part fits in. Will you please clarify?

I spent my time stumbling around the Valley too, MLC - more the pubs than the alleys...but whatever...

to be honest I'm glad - insanely glad - to be out of that.
You should be too?

D

Not for years. I've been seeing a counsellor who is not that crash hot. Got referred to atods, they wouldn't take me because of my post code even though I am in their council area. The one I can get into my husband works alongside so it's a no go.

I am glad. But part of me yearns. I went straight from iv drug use to parenthood then marriage and more kids without a breath. I dunno. I'm on a weird place.

I don't miss the dark bathrooms and alleys and being scared all the time or stealing and frequenting hock shops that's for sure.

I love my family more than anything and am so grateful. Why am I like this.

Ok. I honestly don't think I can do it without inpatient and breathing space.

Obviously you're not happy now - and you're yearning for carefree times.
Only problem is I bet they weren't carefree.

If you're going to daydream, follow the dream though right to the end, MLC - remember the crap too.

I lost some good friends in those alleys - I'm assuming you did too.

D

Hey MLC... why is snorting anxiety meds more beneficial than just taking them as prescribed? Is it just a habit that your nose has picked up? Or does it reach the brain faster? I have valium for my anxiety, but I just take them orally... I'm just an alki with issues... I hope I'm not sounding like an idiot... ps Im from UK with insomnia and I can't spell clutz-klutsz... so I opted for idiot... o_0 x

I want to be supportive of you, MLC, I have been.

But, honestly, I see a woman so totally caught up in the throes of addiction, that her mind is excusing scary and very irresponsible behaviour. What you are doing is NOT okay, and I think you need to be a responsible parent before anything else. Your children need their mother. The fact that you need drugs is not the most important thing.

I pray that you have some moments of clarity. (((MLC)))

I don't know why I'm not happy. There's something wrong with me. I have the best hubby anyone could imagine, great kids, good jobs, friends, church that even has a pastor who is an ex junkie. Wtf is wrong with me?

Yeah i lost friends in alleys:(

Yeah they seem to work differently for me snorting them. Wake me up rather then putting me to sleep plus I enjoy it.

I think you've known this for a long time MLC. Not only that, you know it is available as you have researched and told us about. When are you going to actually do it? Nothing you will encounter hasn't happened to other recovering addicts, and they know how to deal with any possibility...physical or mental.

If nothing else, please do this for your kids. As much as you love them, your behavior tells them tha you love drugs more...even if you don't intend to that's what your actions speak.

It just seems to work differently for me that way. There's a rush and it wakes me up rather than putting me to sleep. Plus I enjoy it.

Thanks. And that's why I feel stupid for keeping on posting here. Just going around in circles. I'm emotionally absent from my kids. I don't know why but that intimacy with them freaks me out:

Polar opposite to me then... my anxiety drugs dampen my anxiety. :c029:

I don't know when. When my hubby has some holidays he can take I guess. I didn't mind rehab last time I went, I don't have a problem with it persay. Just need to work it out.

I don't love drugs more than the family. I just hate how I was feeling before. And I know coming off benzos is going to cause some pretty major anxiety.

They dampen my anxiety too. I can't remember the last time I wasn't on them though. Like I even wake through the night to have more.

If you truly mean this then you will do something to help yourself. Yes, there will be anxiety - and most likely pain and lots of difficulty. We all go through some level of it.

But the alternative is that you will eventually not have a family any more if you continue on your current path. You are absent from their lives now when under the influence for the most part anyway by your own admission. The next possible step is that they leave or you are forcefully removed from them to protect both them and you.

We really want you to get better MLC, and I have to assume somewhere in your mind you do too as you keep coming back here. When will the excuses stop and the action start?

Well, we are here for support, not to judge... heck, I had alcoholic hepatitis and ended up in hospital for a month... who am I to judge? jeez (thats me being american btw) I really thought I had cirrhosis and that my time on earth was over... I'm still here though... still dealing with acute anxiety (life sucks sometimes, but we make the best of what we got eh?) you have kids... I can't have kids, but my furry kids make up for what my insides couldn't deliver (literally) If you are going to do anything... think of your kids, they need you x

Excuses? Not sure. Reasons yes.


Action has started but its obviously not enough.

I went to inpatient treatment. It helped me quite a bit. Now that I'm sober my brain is getting way more activity than I ever had while drunk. There is still life after treatment, and it's a wild ride. I am telling you this so that perhaps sobriety looks more appealing. It is.

Do the treatment, any way possible. I know it's tough with all those kids but they will be okay. To them you'll just be on a little vacation/break. Whatever. Just do it, you can change. Good luck.