Just got off the phone with him and want to drink
 

When I think of going home tonight, I think of drinking. He is angry with me. I came home Friday night and he had had two gin and tonics, and I was a little bit upset with him about it. Later he got angry with me and had two more. He wanted to leave and I begged him not to because I didn't want him to drive drunk. I put my arms around his legs and begged him to stay home. My 14 year old heard everything. Just now on the phone he said it was a "horrendous weekend" with me because he played badly at his 6 AM tennis match the following morning (Saturday). He blames me because he had four drinks Friday night and played badly. I said, "You were drinking before I even got home." He hung up on me. Last night I drank an entire bottle of wine b/c he was so cold and distant to me all weekend.

Hi hopeBegins. I am sorry that you are experiencing this right now. You are not the reason for his bad tennis match. His drinking is his to own, and your drinking is yours. I hope that the two of you can work things out. Coming here and getting honest is a great step.

Is your 14 year old also his 14 year old?


Sounds like there are some problems here that its probably best if you don't drink while trying to evaluate them.

So lets hold off on that bottle of wine (or whatever you're wanting to drink), at least for right now, we can always revisit it later.

It is my 14 year old son.

It's also possible that he may just be bad at tennis... :headbange

How can I not let his view of me affect my own self worth?

I used to be a good athlete, competed every other weekend. Now I drink and try to make him happy. He made the decision to be with me, but now he resents it. He says he has the right to drink on a Friday night but I am so uncomfortable with his drinking. Then he says I ruined his tennis AND his NCAA watching. I hate going home b/c I feel so terrible there. But my kids are there. He says they ignore me too because I ruin things for them, too.

I don't mean to sound preachy or judgemental, but I think you have to watch how you blame others for your drinking. I understand that the way others treat you can really push your drinking buttons, but ultimately the decision to pick up or not pick up the bottle is up to YOU.

That can be frustrating to hear, but it can also be empowering. You can choose to remain sober in spite of what anyone else says or does to you.

Here's to trying again! :)

The best thing that you can do in this situation, is to seek out help for yourself. You are doing that here. Not drinking will help you to see things more clearly in your relationship, that seems very fragile IMO. No one can make us play bad, or drink heavily, or do anything that we dont want to do. This person sounds like he is blaming, and there is no reason for that.

I can relate to both sides of this, I've been the jack@ss boyfriend, and I've been the one who hates going home.

Do you have any connections here, kids with him? etc... because you may have to draw a line in the sand on this one. If you're being a bad mother to be a good girlfriend/wife, or not taking care of yourself in order to care for someone who is cold and resentful to you, then you've got your priorities askew. Which, fortunately, it isn't too late to correct this...

Odds are he doesn't really resent being with you, he probably is despressed/frustrated by something, and is taking it out on you. *i know i've done this quite a few times* add liquor to that mix, and its just going to lead to tears. But remember, you're both adults, time to start acting like it... and Adults don't hang up on people because they had a bad tennis game.

Dear Hope,

your situation sounds complicated. Are you here on SR because you are worried about your drinking, or your partners?

In my very humble opinion please take care of your children and yourself first.

I never realized until I read this, that I blame others for me drinking all the time. I mean, I know its ultimately MY choice to drink, but I give into the temptation very easily when someone has pushed my "drinking buttons". Blaming them, but really just using them as an excuse to do what I love to do, Drink myself into oblivion.

I am worried about both, but most worried about my own. Prior to this relationship I was in an unhappy marriage but I rarely drank. I am an ACOA, and my ex was a very predictable, stable sort. He didn't drink. I was attracted to him b/c he was so predictable. But we had no connection. Now I am with someone with whom I do have a better overall relationship, but he drinks socially and I started drinking with him. I realize that my life, my kids and my job have to come first and that I cannot take the blame for when things in my fiancee's life go wrong. And that I can choose to NOT drink when I feel bad, but rather, try to do something good for myself. My kids are teens and really don't want a lot to do with me, but when they are home I want peace and serenity for them.

It's not clear if you or him have the drinking problem

Purely from a relationship level it's not about blame. I was in a very similar relationship with a man who was charm itself but so controlling. If there is no respect there is no point being together. I tried so hard to make him happy but was not happy with or within myself. It was very imbalanced and he was resentful and very much in control. Sound familiar? Put yourself and your children first. You can't control anything that he says or does but you can control what you do,what you are prepared to put up with and how you react to him. your son watching this will grow up thinking men can treat women with such disdain and no respect and women demean themselves. A relationship should be equal. When my relationship ended I regained self respect and learned to love and value myself. You'll probably find yourself respect comes back when he goes.

Recently my fiancee's grown son said to me, "You're a good influence on him, without the wine." He says he meant that I have been a good influence on his father and have generally reduced his father's drinking, which he is happy about, except when I drink myself.

What TEEN wants to be with their parents? Teen life is a complicated mess of friends, and friends, and girlfriends/boyfriends, hormones.....I wouldnt want to be a teenager again. Yes, you and your children come first. Your career is a part of that also. Your children do deserve peace, you also deserve peace.

My fiancee likes to drink socially and likes to drink one or two nights a week. He feels he is entitled to drink on a Friday night. He does not hide his drinking. I have found myself secretly buying a bottle of wine to deal with the stresses of the situation. He IS very charming and my life has been much more interesting with him. He moved into my home and has been a good partner in many ways. However when he is unhappy he tends to blame me. I am concerned about my drinking because I have been secretive about it, and I will often substitute drinking in place of working out to feel better. That was never me before.

My fiancee thinks my sons not wanting to do anything with us is very negative. I try to explain that they are teens and they don't want to go fishing or to the movies with parents. He says "I'm not hanging around all weekend just because (my 14 year old) has a soccer game." He doesn't want to be "stuck at home" on the weekends I need to be home with my kids I alternate weekends with my ex. I do understand in terms of the kids being teens and they don't do anything with us anyway, but I am a parent and I do need to be around even if my teens are out and about.

This is going to be a bit of a process for you. You have alot more going on here than just a drinking problem. You might do well to visit a doctor, or a counsiler, or a combination of the two, like a psychiatrist (sp?) ...
It sounds like he has a bit of a history, and kids are involved, and you're engaged.... yeah, alot going on here and getting married isn't going to "fix it" this needs to get fixed before we bring a legally binding marriage contract into this.

Also it really sucks to be a teenager with Alcoholic parents... I was one... It's aweful...

Don't want to bring friends over, because you don't know if your parents are going to be embarassing... or mean.... or creepy...

ugh... its aweful

hopebegins, I can relate drinking instead of exercising.....that was never me either, I have always been very athletic but I've been sliding down a slippery slope the last couple of years...

Yes, you do need to be around even if the kids are out and about. Does this man have any children? I am not sure if he gets what the obligations are when it comes to children and their care. He doesn't want to hang around all weekend?? I sense a bit of selfish behavior coming from him.

[QUOTE] Your sense of self worth comes from you.

But, bullies/controlling men will chip chip chip away at you till any sense of self worth you once had has gone.

If a man isn't making you feel good then find a new man or go it alone :)

Well I've got to head back to work.... I'll be checking this thread later... Whether you choose to drink right now, or sober it up a notch, stick around... You need some like minded people right now...

I the past year I finished a master's degree and was promoted at work but I feel so guilty and worthless when he is mad at me. I cannot measure up to how wonderful his adult kids are. My own kids can't either. Overall we have a good relationship but I see the pattern of when he is down on me my drinking increases. I need to make more friends and get out more but it's hard with my work schedule. Also, we both moved mountains in order to be together, several years of really tough stuff that we endured together. It seems that he isn't happy with some of the decisions he made, but I can't be blamed for all of them. If he was happy in his marriage and former life he would not have left it. We can't go back in this world, we can only move forward. But I can't be his whipping boy for when he is frustrated over his career and the other things that are bothering him. The rational me says that, but the irrational me reaches for the bottle. I went four days sober last week and then reached for the bottle last night. Today is a new beginning for me.

Maybe what you need to do Hope is to go on an assertiveness course :>) Lots of people feel bad when loved ones have a go at them (I know I used to) - it is only when you truly accept yourself and know who you are, that you can let those loved ones words (who don't know or accept themselves and blame others) go right over your head! Above and beyond!!

Take carex

Today can certainly be a new beginning for you. The beginning of a sober life, with or without your fiance. He says he doesn't want to 'stick around' just because the kid has a soccer game? He doesn't go to the games? Parents usually make the effort to watch their kids play sports. My kids always liked it when I attended their school affairs.

I'd agree that you might benefit from counseling to feel better about yourself. :hug:

Made me happy reading this (I mean that I might have said something that turned on a light switch for you)!

So many reasons and rationalizations for us all to drink -- none of them good.

This has all been very helpful--thanks.

When I was a child my parent drank and blamed everyone for needing to drink. When my fiance drinks he blames me for "needing to drink" even when he has already been drinking before I am even home. Today I take responsibility for my own drinking. I can do many other things to deal with stress instead of drinking.

this morning he started yelling at me b/c i asked to borrow his computer to send an email to work and i said I would look up some directions for him but I didn't do the latter fast enough and he started yelling and berating me for "lying" about saying I would do it. He gets mad at me before work a lot and i am upset all day, then i want to drink so i can deal with seeing him at night.

I drank to numb my feelings, but every morning I had "The Morning Meanies" and would be very irritable, anxious and angry. Those "numbed" feelings weren't really numbed for very long, the anger came out, and many years later that anger was still inside of me! What a cruel friend alcohol was to me!

Sorry you are going through this. Maybe get to an AA meeting or read up on Women for Sobriety, Rational Recovery, SMART, AVRT, Life Ring, SOS, Life Ring, or Power to Quit.

Hugs,