Hope--you sound a lot like me. I realize I'd been reaching for the bottle whenever i got pissed at my husband, which was like every freaking day. Ive only been sober 9 days now but I have to keep telling myself that the ******* is not going to make me drink. I will no longer drink my anger and lonliness away. I too have teens that are naturally pulling away right now, but I still want to be around and SOBER for them when they need me.

To my eternal shame, the amount of concerts, games, PT conferences I've missed because of that euphemism called "work" is pretty unconscionable.

Fortunately their mother is a stellar attender but it's one of my biggest regrets as I remember just how devastating it was when neither of my parents could be arsed to attend.

Marriage isn't going to fix this. You need some assertiveness and a sense of self-worth. (you'll find the two of these go hand in hand)
I recently started standing up for myself with my wife and kids, at first it was a shocker to them, and my wife particularly did not take it well, and started yelling at me and trying to argue. I told here that there was no need for us to waste time and energy on an argument, and we'll have to just disagree about this one particular thing. Which was a huge step for me, usually I just agree to whatever she wants and drink to numb myself.... (not her fault I do this, as I learned in this thread, but until a few days ago I blamed her and the kids and work for my drinking).

What I did notice from asserting myself is that after awhile, she started backing down, and started respecting me more. Asking me to do things instead of telling me to do things. Yelling at me less, and showing real concern over me trying to quit drinking.

When you first start standing up for yourself, its weird, and you feel bad and you'll meet a lot of resistance. But after awhile, it becomes second nature and you feel empowered. You realise you don't have to be anyones doormat.

But I wanted to say here, you have two problems. A relationship problem, and a drinking problem. They're not one in the same. They both have to be taken care of on their own, however they're both feeding each other.

I did the same thing, rather than exercising after work I would pop open a bottle of wine. I would convince myself that between work and 3 kids I didn't have time to exercise. :gaah

You have some good advice on this thread. I am glad you are here posting, but talking to a counselor may help as well. :)

My biggest fear is this upcoming holiday... it is a long holiday weekend, and if he is angry with me and takes off and I don't have my kids Sunday afternoon (I have to split Easter with their Dad, which is appropriate) I will drink all afternoon. I want to have self esteem and not fear his withdrawal of love. I won't see him for two days as I am taking my kids on a trip tomorrow.

Seeing a counselor for your relationship issues might be a good idea. They have Pre-Marital counseling, it's also trendy amongst a lot of people who plan on getting married. This might be a way to get a few sessions in with him.

Thanks. I've asked him to go to counseling but he refuses, because he says he went for years with his wife and it didn't work. Not planning on getting married anytime soon.

I figured he'd have resistance on the whole counseling thing. Thats why I was leaning towards the Pre-Marital counseling. It's easier to tell someone that you wanted to get all the issues out before the wedding, than it is to tell them, our relationship has problems and we need counseling.

I don't mean to be judgmental either but I think you are in a verbally abusive relationship. Until you go for some sort of counseling or to some AA meetings I fear you will start really spiraling downhill. I hope you can get some help soon. You need building up, not knocking down.

It's weird, he tends to yell and bully me a lot in the early morning right before work. He is a good person in a lot of ways, but twice in the past month he's upset me so badly before work I was shaking. He doesn't think much of me or my job even though I was promoted and got the graduate degree. He diminishes everything I do. I'm not sure why. He wasn't like that before he moved in. He is not real happy in his career right now. I tried to be strong after I got to work today and called and asked him to apologize and he yelled that I needed to apologize for lying to him about saying I would do his task but then finishing my work task first. Then he hung up on me. I am trying very had to stay sober, this is Day 3. I just got a terse email from him saying he is not coming home until late tonight. I just want to feel good about myself because it is a big part of sobriety. I want to be the person I used to be. He knows I am vulnerable b/c I am divorced and have to share time with my children and it is especially difficult around the holidays.

This is behaviour of a bully, a control freak and someone who is carrying out domestic abuse. Abuse can be verbal,mental and emotional. Just because he doesn't beat you doesn't mean you aren't the victim of domestic abuse. In your own words

He yells at you
He bullies you
He diminishes everything you do
He stays out
He makes you feel bad

He is living in your house and making you feel so bad.This man is not going to change. Trust me,I've been there.It gets worse and worse. It is vulnerable women that these men feed off. Please get help as this situation will not get any better and you deserve so much better for you and your children

I'm sorry,I'm not trying to be harsh or upset you. It's just a subject close to my heart as have been involved with a bullying controlling man. My drinking could never be sorted out whilst I was still with him as there were other issues needed to be sorted out about me that couldn't be whilst I was with him and it just got worse

Thanks for the advice. He is not always like this, but since he moved in he seems to be more like the father who punishes me when I am "bad." He is just verbally abusive. And gets angry over little things. He was not at all like this before.

OK... the advice here has been good. Questions:

1. It is Easter Weekend. He usually dictates what we do ... should I just let him do what he wants and be on my own once my kids leave with their Dad? Do something good for myself (like exercise, read a book) instead of going with him as he expects?

2. I am supposed to attend a low-key event with him Friday night. I wish to send the message that I am not the desperate loser he portrays me to be at times. Again, perhaps I should do something different instead of tagging along with him? Again, I have teens who will likely be busy Friday night, but I want to make a point that I can be strong and be alone if needed. Without drinking.

Sounds like he's possibly depressed or jealous. You're progressing and moving forward with your life... and he's moved in with his girlfriend and lost a bit of his independance. He probably resents you a bit for it (misdirected of course)

He sounds like he needs to get a few wins in other departments so he'll stop looking for little wins by bullying you.

If he's not always like this, than i'm sure he's mostly a good person. Probably just has some issues going on right now that he needs to work out.

He has been like this for a while though... he is always saying how he changed his life for me, etc. I've offered to help him with his resume, and am always finding job opportunities for him but he doesn't really move on them. I want the person I fell in love with, not this person who thinks I am nothing. He has grown kids and he especially diminishes me when he compares me to them. I won't see him tonight and probably not tomorrow, and I just want to make sure I do not drink out of worry the relationship is ending.

Sounds like he's depressed or something, and taking it out on you. Don't worry about the relationship ending, you can't worry yourself back into a relationship. Just be strong, don't drink, and he'll realise how lucky he is to have you, and he'll start working harder to keep the relationship together.

I'd see what his plans are, and see if its something you'd enjoy. It really should be something you both enjoy.... and that means BOTH you and him. Everytime my wife and I try to pick something we both enjoy, i usually just cave to whatever she ultimately wants, but at least she'll pick something she knows I won't hate.

There is no reason to make a point to him, just be your new found self.

That is not how it is with us, we usually just do the things he enjoys most. He also likes to plan around things with his grown kids.

why are you LETTING this man dictate HOW YOU FEEL??? what you do?? your emotional happiness...

OMG! if it were me (and i am the alcoholic here, sober 22 months)...I would kick his sorry a$$ out the door and let him throw a temper tantrum and *yell* at someone else.

you are LETTING him use you for a doormat...MARRY HIM???? only if he had 6 months to live, a huge financial portfolio and no family. He makes you so miserable and fearful that you can't make a decision on what YOU want to do?

being alone without the kids for a weekend can be a gift of time and indulgence FOR YOU. it's all in how you look at it. who wants to argue with an idiot who you have to ask PERMISSION to use his computer in the AM and then listen to him bluster and fabricate a fight? (what is he doing this evening and with whom)?\

really, if you don't take back control of YOUR life, who will?

Agreed

Fantastic post :scoregood

Fandy, you go!