Spouse curious about me and this website
 

I have been on this site for about a month now - I love it. It has helped me so much. In the beginning I spent many hours a day on here now just an hour or two.

Anyway my husband of 25 years has always been a bit jealous. He has mellowed out over the years though. He hasn't said too much about me being on here. But last night he was going through the history and saw something that saide private message and asked what I was doing sending private messages back and forth. I told him this was a monitored site but not sure he was too happy. He didn't make a huge issue out of it though.

Now that I am sober I realise a lot of my issues are marital and I have started opening up and talking freely on here about it.

I havent said anything that is untrue but I am sure he would not be happy if he knew I was airing our dirty laundary. And of coarse if I get advice that doesn't seem to support him he would not like it either.

But this is not his deal, atleast this part of it. I just fear that he will get in and read my posts and pm's.

:a108:

He seems a bit nosy. I am glad we have separate computers. Is that an option for you?

Just logout of the site when you leave the computer. Tell him this is your support group and you'll answer his questions but, this is as private as therapy sessions. Oh, go into your control panel here and turn off all e-mail notifications.

Hi. that is a shame, not a good situation. I would not like if anyone was reading my posts. (other than those on here of course). I feel it is like counselling, totally private and condifential. I hope you can find a way to reassure him, if you are like me then you need this site. Good luck.

My husband knows I use the site and is pleased it helps me. It's a very private thing for me, I wouldn't want my husband seeing anything I write on here,even though there is nothing that need concern him

I think looking at others pms is not acceptable .Maybe he is a bit worried it's like a dating site or something-often we worry about things we don't understand. Can you maybe put his mind at rest by telling him it;s just a support site.

PK< I have some "stock" advice. This is cut-and-paste from a previous post, and there is something else I want to share but it will take me a while to type it:

You might find this helpful. A former boss kept it on the wall at work:

The following is an overview of the meaning of each of The Four Agreements, based on the writings of don Miguel Ruiz.

Be Impeccable with Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I would make sure that you completely log out every time you you leave the computer. There is a need for privacy in every relationship. I never snoop on a girlfriends private communications because I know that I wouldn't want them to snoop on me. Just my 2 cents.

Cold fusion,

That is great stuff! I am going to copy that and put in my daily reading list.

I've never been married, but did have a relationship destroyed this way. I was in your husband's position. With much perspective, I still feel as though she went beyond venting. A mutual friend told me the content and it was all one-sided story with commentary and advice that was based on that one-sided story. It wasn't helpful to her and obviously our relationship because the things she was saying should have been said to me so we could address it.

Not trying to judge, just sharing my own experience. People appreciate hearing the type of blunt criticisms that often end up in places like these before you put them out for the public to see. It isn't fair to the other person who may not understand the problems at hand.

That said I do understand the value of venting to outside folks. In my case it was hurtful because it was not anonymous so many things I assumed to be private were being expressed publicly without my knowledge, and I had not ability to rebut them.

Sunday, my wife and I went to the second in a series of lectures on "Making Love Last" by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. The second lecture was on what to do in the aftermath of a fight or regrettable incident, and I did a post about it last night (http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3857805).

We got far more out of their first lecture, and here is Dr. Linda Tillman's summary of one of the most important and useful concepts:

"In speaking up for yourself, the key element as I have frequently mentioned is RESPECT. If the communication between people is lacking respect, then the assertive connection will not happen.

John Gottman in Seattle, WA, has done extensive research on couples' relationships and has determined that there are four very destructive elements that can wreak havoc in a relationship. These he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, in a Biblical reference. In the Bible the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are the precursors of destruction to come. In a relationship, Gottman says his four horsemen also are precursors of relationship destruction to come.

The Four Horsemen are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Because each of these "horsemen" are ways to react to your partner without respect either for yourself or the other person, they also apply to being assertive.

When you criticize the other person, you attack the other person's character, usually with the goal of pointing out how the other person is wrong in some way. This is usually experienced as demeaning and disrespectful.

When you use contempt, the word by definition means that you are looking down on the other person. If you are employing such disregard for the other person, you are not acting out of respect. Respect requires that you assume that the other person is worth knowing, and if you remove the respect and look down on the other person, the assertive connection is lost.

When you are defensive, the communication is broken because you are focused on convincing the other person that you are too right or that you did NOT make a bad decision, etc. When you move into defensiveness, you in effect erect a wall between yourself and the other person, disrupting the possibility of connection. In essence, the defensive person pulls for the other person to take care of him/her, disregarding the issue at hand.

When you are stonewalling, you are not open to any other view than your own. Again, this is not respectful because you are not allowing the possibility that the other person may have something to contribute that is of value. Usually stonewalling includes withdrawing from the relationship in a passive pull to get the other person to come over to your way of thinking. Stonewalling may also be used to avoid conflict.

Note: these four horsemen may be present nonverbally as well as verbally.

• Criticism can be demonstrated non-verbally by shaking one's head "No" as the other person is speaking.
• A prime demonstration of contempt is to roll one's eyes. Eye rolling implies that you have disdain for the other person.
• Defensiveness can be read non-verbally if a person looks as if he/she is backing away or mentally warding off a blow
• Stonewalling can occur non-verbally by leaving the room, refusing to speak to the other person, or muttering under your breath

.

So in order to have an effective assertive connection, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as described by Gottman, cannot be present, either in how you act or what you say."

Hi PreciousKitty, although I'm not married, I believe I would still have personnal, private situations if I were. If you do not want him to read any of your correspondences here then do what it takes to prevent it. :egypt:

Delete the history when you get off the computer too. It is under tools and options up at the top.

That is a good idea but then I think he will become more suspicious.

Like I said, I need to take a good look at my marriage and I haven't wasnted to before.

Maybe this shoud be happening?

Thanks everyone!

PK< some of the most resoundingly unpopular advice I have given here at SR has been to have one's partner read one's threads here. So, in typical alcoholic fashion, I am going to try it again and expect different results.

:scorebad

If your husband INSISTS on reading your posts here at SR, have him start with this thread.

One thing to think about - changes in early recovery can be quite significant and your husband may not be able to relate or really grasp how much a support group like 'SR' can really help.

It's funny how when we're feeling insecure our imaginations can jump to assuming the worse.

On top of the great comments above, you might want to try getting him both to a safe place with similar support for himself - IE alanone, so that what you're doing isn't such an unknown (and frightening) mystery and he can see that, yes, a support group would add value.

He may also be feeling a little helpless as your taking your 'own' journey and that can trigger insecurities. Change is scary.

One thing to try - when he does something that is helpful for you sobriety, recognize it, both as a way to encourage more of the types of things that you need & to involve him so that he doesn't question is role in this :)

Presumably when he saw that you were sending PMs, he also saw that your screen name is PK. Nothing is stopping him from making his own account here and reading all of your posts. (Even if he didn't see your screen name, I think he would start looking for you with a post called Spouse curious about me and this website . Might be a clue. Might be you leaving a trail of breadcrumbs...)

If anything you have ever posted in the public forum is still a secret from your husband, it's because he chose to leave it a secret. Or he's dumb as a fence post. (He was smart enough to hang onto you for 25 years, so I reject that notion.)

I encouraged my wife to make an account here and read what I was posting. So far she has made 2 accounts that I know of because she could not remember the first one. I have no idea if she logs on routinely to check up on me.

I can understand his concerns Kitty - this is a public place and avatars may not be totally reliable covers. I think we always need to be careful in sharing personal information (either publicly or in PMS) and we need to be careful we're not breaking the confidences of those close to us. I know I wouldn't want my wife talking about me on the internet without me saying that it is OK.

I can see both sides of the arguement and unfortunately it wouldn't be hard for him to sign up himself and do a bit of snooping in the public area. I don't know him, but I can't imagine it would be difficult for him to recognise some your posts.

The only thing I can suggest is to protect your private messages by frequently changing your password on a regular basis and ensuring you log out after each session.

Do you have SR on your phone? I find it great because it's descrete and you can access it anywhere, any time.

Also,
Have you actually sat down with him to show exactly what goes on here? (without being too specific, of course), explaining that it's 100% anonymous and that he shouldn't feel threatened for that reason?

Best of luck

RQ

Do you need to create an account to read the posts? I thought you could read everything as a guest, but could not post.

You're probably right Soberlicious. I don't know. I haven't tried to read the forum without signing up.