Considering not drinking anymore
 

I think I am an alcoholic. A functioning alcoholic, but an alcoholic nonetheless. I work a normal 9-5 job as an engineer, and I find I'm much more productive in the morning than in the afternoon. I think this is because I am feeling that compulsion to get home as soon as I can to have that first drink.

During the week, I drink at least 3-4 beers a night. Maybe if I buy myself a little bottle, I'll replace a beer with a shot... or two. Every once in a while, I'll start drinking shots on week nights and not stop at one or two. On the weekend, well sometimes I start drinking early and just drink beer all day. Sometimes I'll drink beer all day and then hard liquor at night. Often accompanied by playing video games until my reaction time is too slow and I suck at it. Then I'll just pass out and promise myself I'll stop drinking the next day. Which brings me to the main focus of my predicament:

I go through a 12-hour cycle every day of telling myself I'll quit drinking.... and craving that first drink. I fall asleep thinking about how I want to stop drinking, wake up the next day (never hung over, or I'm just used to it) and tell myself today is the day I stop drinking, and then I go to work and am very productive for the first half of the day. Everything is peachy. But then afternoon comes and my productivity drops dramatically. I start to think about that first drink. And I mentally berate myself and tell myself, "NO TODAY IS THE DAY TO STOP." But it never works. I always end up leaving work as soon as I can to hit the sauce.

I even have goals in life. I have my graduate degree in mechanical engineering and my undergraduate degree in physics from a pretty good school. I want to go back and get my graduate degree in physics and then my doctorate in physics and probably teach. But I just lose all motivation on a 12-hour time schedule. I'm beginning to think I'm too weak to fix it by myself, but I really don't want to go to AA...

Welcome Imabuleva

There are other ways to get sober besides AA - other recovery groups like SMART and LifeRing are not 12 step based but they are meeting oriented too.

All of them have online meeting options as far as I know.

Something like AVRT (Rational Recovery) has no meetings at all - that may be an avenue you'll be interested in.

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach, like the ones I've mentioned here :)

D

Welcome Imabuleva, can relate firsthand to your situation. One of the best P. Eng's I work with is in the same boat, flawless detailed work, but if you need to talk to him after 12:00pm better try him on his cell, because everyone knows he is at the pub. Need him after 2:00pm? Send him an email because he won't do anything with it that day, and when he deals with it in the morning it will be right. Almost like all his professional contacts are enabling him, because we know his routine. And if wondering why he hasn't been let go for only working half the time, well, it's his name in the company logo.

You'll find your situation is similar to many others, keep reading, and hope you stick around.

Welcome Imabuleva!

I could have written your post (minus the engineering part, though my father was one). I wish I had a count of the number of morning promises I broke by evening. I played video games, too (hours of them)....whatever mindless thing I could do while drinking.....

Drinking every day (even at relatively low levels) can create a vicious cycle of anxiety/depression. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was actually having minor withdrawal symptoms each day.

Coming here helped give me the strength I needed to change my life. Good for you for recognizing your problem and wanting to make a change - you can do it!:c031:

Well I saw your post , and imabuleva there's not a trace of doubt that drink and you are not friends. That is the first and biggest step
There are lots of answers here to the one question. Most make sense and you will find one that works.
AA is not too bad and a meeting or two can help you put your problem onto perspective and realise you are not alone. If you don't want to do that you can listen to AA podcasts some are funny some are scarey all make one point
The biggest thing you will have to get your head round is you can never drink again. That deterred everyone her for months and years and decades
You can't. Learn to accept it then embrace it. I am nearly 11 months sober. This will be my first Christmasin 40 years without a drink. Probably more as even as a child we were allowed a sip on Xmas day. But I don't drink and am proud I don't
Life doesn't get better but you sure as he'll can cope better

Buleva, I am also P.Eng. and sober now for well over a year. That routine of mine was similar to yours, except I never started until after quitting time, but I sure wasn't much good after 6 for anything. Still, in those six hours before I passed out, I could still pound back a dozen doubles. Every day.

But that is history now. I checked out a number of options when I decided I had had enough, including AA. I stayed with a couple of other ideas for the long term though, SoberRecovery.com and AVRT (Rational Recovery).

The AVRT appealed to me because it made sense, it's a logical construct. You might feel the same. Lots of discussion of AVRT and other REBT / CBT ideas like SMART on the Secular Connections forum.

You are only too weak to fix it yourself if you believe that is a true statement. What can happen if you believe that you can quit? What can you achieve if you believe in yourself?

Thank you everyone for the support. I really hope I can follow through with my wishes to be sober starting tomorrow. I don't know how though... my inability to follow through with it is destroying me.

hi Ima, my previous drinking problem sounds similar to yours; all I could think about in the afternoon was having that first drink, followed by lots more. That was when I realised it was getting out of control and I needed help. I'm not an AA person either. The answer is complicated and simple. The complicated bit is digging out the motivation to act, but once you've found it, it's simple. I saw my regular doctor. He gave me some pills which had zero effect and nasty side-effects. I struggled for a few weeks longer then found the motivation in setting an example for my DIL who was trying to get pregnant and give up smoking. I'm very judgemental about smokers so I told myself that if I couldn't give up drinking I had no right to judge DIL for not giving up smoking.
Motivation: it's not always the obvious reasons of health, sanity, weight etc. I think you've taken the first step in wanting to give up. Why not do some research on the long term effects of alcohol abuse, different programs you can try etc.
On the practical side, if you ask the people on this forum about how to cope with cravings you will get some amazingly helpful advise.
Go for it! The wonderful feeling you get waking up in the morning after not drinking is worth it alone.

Google 'The crash course AVRT' and see if that helps you. I was in the exact same cycle as you for three years and that is what broke me out of it.

Welcome to SR :) x

This:). Good luck !

There are multiple ways to quit drinking but Fresh Starts tag line says it all

"never drink again and to never change my mind."

This is the first step in recovery that must be taken. Once you are at this point you can start looking at methodologies but "Considering" is not going to work.

Not sure what it will take to motivate you. If I can, I'd like to suggest you DO NOT wait until things get so terrible that there is no doubt in your mind that you are an alcoholic. Because that might be too late. We alcoholics have an amazing ability to delude ourselves about our condition.

You're concerned about your drinking. That should be enough to drive us to follow through with quitting. But the addiction is cunning.

I wish you much luck.

Well I guess the only way to stop drinking is to simply stop drinking. I'll just make today my day 1 and start from there.

Everytime I get drunk I want to stop drinking. But when I sober up, I want to start drinking. Everyone around me is an alcoholic. My brother is sick with the disease. My dad is a functioning alcoholic and probably gave up on quitting long ago. I guess I still have a chance.

So what is your plan to quit drinking. Will power alone seldom works

Imabuleva, welcome. There was once a day I could work and function too. Then I crossed some invisible line and could no longer cope or function. I hope you develop a plan soon. I couldn't do it alone. My doctor gave me some non-addictive meds to help with my late in the day anxiety which also helped me with cravings in the beginning. There's alot of support here and I hope you stick around. Just reading the threads and learning about addiction helped a great deal.

Rational Recovery. AVRT. I'm taking the crash course over and over. I will never drink again and I will never change my mind. I've tried to control the beast for long enough, and all that ever happens is I let the beast take over when my inhibitions are down. That and lurking the forums around here... :c031:

As good as AVRT is though, I will reject its advice to not count the days. I look forward to counting the days. I think counting the days will make me feel powerful and hopefully snowball my life in the opposite direction of addiction.

I am a big fan of AVRT and it works. I had to use AA as well to keep me sober long term because drinking was a symptom of other problems for me

Other suggestions,

Get rid of all alcohol in your house

Stay out of drinking situations

Build up a group of sober or at the very least non-alcoholic friends

Seeing a couselor with expertise in addiction

Try an AA meeting

Research recovery methods and addiction in general (all sorts of suggested reading on SR)

Being honest with those you trust

It's not possible to get all of the alcohol out of my house. I live with two other alcoholics. My dad and brother. It's just time to stop being such a wimp and quit. Other people are going to drink. That doesn't mean I have to. I shall slay this beast :c031:

I love how AVRT calls it a beast. It makes feel like Dexter.

Also I'm not the most sociable person in real life, but I love the anonymity of the internet. So you guys are all welcome to be members of my sober "social" group. These forums are quite active, so I forsee them as crucial to the beast crawling back into the hole from whence it emerged.

You seem on the right track! Im sure all will go wonderfully :)

Isolating yourself with 2 active alcoholics may not be the best choice but you are in the drivers seat.

I go through this pattern though. Every 12 hours, the beast kicks back in and it tells me it's time for a drink. And after I give it all the drink it wants, I kick back in and say that's enough, stop it now! Of course, that's usually when I'm laying in bed after I wasted the night away indulging the beast.

So today's afternoon hours will see a return of that primal instinct to imbibe. But this time, I'm gonna tell it to **** off.

welcome to SR, love the name.

it's a difficult task to not have control over the booze in the house or keep it in the house.

If your are successful, it's hard when others drink in front of you. How on earth could you get through grad school if you drink on a daily basis? you can't properly do a Thesis or a Dissertation if you are knocking back shots all weekend and beer.

connecting here is good and maybe as you become sober, you can connect FTF with others too. (It doens't have to be AA oriented, i don't follow them either, but any activity that gets you out is healthy).

congrats on Day #1---we have ALL been there.

You're absolutely correct MIR. But the reason I live with my dad is so I can pay off my student loans faster. Which of course makes drinking even more counter-intuitive. I plan to move back out on my own in a few years. Sounds like a long time, but by then I'll be celebrating several years sober and we'll on the way out of this mediocrity that the beast loves so much. What is a functioning alcoholic if not mediocre?

I, too, have a carreer that my drinking has not interfered with it. However, I do exeprience hangovers and have had some rough Monday mornings at work. I am more a weekend and occasionally Wednesday night drinker - not everyday. I have done the same thing as you, and most of us on here I think, Vowed never to drink again and failed. This time I vowed on Saturday while recovering from Friday night - but today I begin to feel that old - well maybe I can have just one to relax feeling coming on. You have a 12 hour cycle - I have a 5-6 day cycle. I am hoping to get through it this time and I hope you can too. Make a plan to keep busy. I am definitely changing my route home tonight so I am not tempted to stop for a bottle of red. Try altering your normal routine in different ways. Good luck

BTW - so that you joined Class of December - didn't have a chance to welcome you to it so - Welcome!

I was going to ask why you did not have your own place, but ah, student loans can cripple you too.

One more thought to help with your sobriety...Take a monetary total of how much you spend WEEKLY on booze, or monthly. when I first did this (and i was a cheap drinker at home)....it was enough to pay the cable tv, internet service and the utility bill every month. it's like giving yourself a raise. :scoregood

Imabuleva, welcome, and I hope you can stick with it. You can also join a December group. You will see it on this page as a topic. There, you can meet people at a similar time with their sobriety, facing similar challenges. I am in November.

I like AVRT. I am a mom, and I try to think of the beast as a whiny toddler. Calling it a beast gives it too much power! It is so much easier to say no when I reduce it to something so small and vulnerable. Just a little child throwing a tantrum to get what it wants. Unlike many parents these days, we do not have trouble saying "no" to our kids, so that perspective helps me put the beast in its place and teach it to behave properly! I am in charge, lol.

I really do like that ability to separate from the desire to drink. I hope I can keep it working, as I am only 13 days sober.

I am feeling so foggy today. It could be because I drank 7 beers and 2 shots last night in a 4 hour period. And the night before? Two beers and almost an entire pint of rum. Ick. My brain hates me and the beast just wants more.

Try again Imabuleva. They say one day at a time. Maybe at first you need to go one hour at a time. Everytime you want to pick up a drink - do something else for an hour and at the end of that hour if you want a drink - so something else for an hour.

Try try try and keep posting if you need encouragment