Some pretty good advice and love here...

I am just here to support you not picking up. You got a lot on your plate in a short time, I am sorry to hear that..

This is a biggy, a unbelievable chance to overcome. I hope you get out to a meeting or a double header is what I would do. And wake up tomorrow still sober. I know it will be better than coming to, just to start thinking about this all over again...


Sending a prayer for you..

Wherever you go, you will always be there. Think about that. Even if that "wherever" is the bottom of a bottle. Can't escape yourself although Lord knows I spent many years trying, unsuccessfully I might add. All I accomplished was...well, nothing. Except a problem with alcohol.

The drink is not your friend. We are - and we care. You are not alone.

Of course you are all right.

I took a long shower. Now off to go visit my friends graves. Its been awhile and Ive never been there since the funerals. Kept putting it off. Maybe Ill have an epiphany there.

I wonder why people hid the truth. When I spoke at this kids funeral I wonder if Id have felt different knowing it was suicide... Probably doesnt matter.

Ive never been so angry in my life. Maybe its self pity who knows. Seems more like anger to me. I apologize for posting this here. It is disrespectful Im sure. After being disrespected this week by my wife I am venting frustration.

Trying to avoid a divorce here. Who knows.

**** happens.

Don't apologize. That's why we're here. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Fallow, for reasons we can all understand - you lost this day.

But you haven't yet lost yourself. Tomorrow you can fight again. Fighting hurts, and it doesn't feel good until each battle is over. When you're in the middle of the battle it's rage, and pain, and sorrow. But when you've kicked ass, and you think about that before you close your eyes for the night, you'll find some peace, which will prepare you for the next time.

Your daughter deserves for you to be the hero you are. You came into this world an awesome person. Life changed you. But at the core, you are just as awesome now as you were on your first day. Don't let that child that was you go through this suffering - fight for him!

And don't let the little girl that depends on you lose her dad - fight for her too.

*huge hugs* You don't have to apologize to me for your post - I'm not judging you today, or tomorrow or the next day. I've been there, and I'm also living proof you can win the war!

Feeling emotions is both the greatest and worst thig about sobriety. The thing is, you don't get to pick and choose what you experience as a part of life. You have to take it all. You either face it head on sober and experience life with all of your humanity as we are meant to, or you pick up the drink and continue to struggle with your life and your humanity. Either way, life is going to be a struggle and emotions are going to happen wonderful joy and terrible sadness. At least with sobriety you won't be struggling with your humanity.

Just the walk will do you good Fallow. Remember that on top of everything else, you are now grieving and that in itself will bring all sorts of emotions including anger. It's good that you are venting and getting it all out.

You take good care of yourself today. You deserve it.

I'm really sorry you've had such a horrible time Fallow. I lost an old friend recently to suicide too. It's difficult information to process that's for sure... but I knew drinking wasn't going to help because I knew that if anything was going to bring me one step closer to that path myself...

I didn't ask in this case but I don't know of any suicides that haven't involved drugs or alcohol in some way or another. I wonder if really they are the root cause of a lot of them.

I'm sorry that you feel alone too, but I agree with others here that we do that to ourselves. I know I do. Our addiction wants us isolated and has had years of practice so that it is perfectly capable of isolating us in a room full of people who care! I'm not sure it is capable of doing that in a forum full of alcoholics who want you sober though. I'm glad you posted :) x

Hi Fallow,

I so relate. When I'm heart-broken, harrassed, mauled all at once I immediately want relief. You know what you're going to do, Fallow, and I'm not in a position to suggest otherwise. All I can say though is to be kind to yourself. You deserve it. This will sound incredibly trite and...sappy maybe, but having an attitude of self-compassion can carry you through the bad patches. when I'm in that space of feeling like I'm going to implode, the idea of giving myself a break gets me off the precipice. We alcoholics are so hard on ourselves and so ready to throw ourselves under the bridge. Nothing you're experiencing is your fault. It's life and life is horrific sometimes. What I'm learning to do is to do things that make me feel better, things that are good for me.

If you have to do the booze, then that's your choice of course. It's harmful, but you know that. The point is that there's no judgment against you one way or the other. You are a valuable human being and always will be. In my experience, the best way to heal myself of the kind of pain you're in is to see this and hold onto it through bad times and good.

Anyway, I hope you feel better and find some sort of peace.


Zorah

I'm really sorry Fallow. The loss of a friend is painful. Problems in a marriage are painful.

For a long time I didn't know how to deal with pain like that either...so my only solution was to drink.

Its a weird reaction - faced with destruction...we further self destruct....faced with loss, we want to further lose a little of our self.

Our addiction is so twisted, so disgusting it'll take something as intimate and as painful as tragedy and loss...just so it can get its fix.

You deserve better- and I'm glad you're thinking about it, Fallow.
You're stronger than you know - and you're part of our crew...you're surrounded by people...you are not alone :)

There's some mighty advice here - I'm glad you came here and I'm glad you listened.

D