Im getting drunk today
 

Its been an awful week now Im making it worse.

Found out one of my close friends had actually committed suicide and not just relapsed like I thought. I had a hand in talking him into rehab the last time I talked to him. He stayed sober awhile then took a ridiculous heroin dose on purpose to die.

While dealing with this realization..my wife has went psycho on me. She has big time anger issues. We argued 4 days ago. She was yelling screaming and threatening. I responded by not responding. We have not talked since. Its weird. I cant do all the talking like I used to while she shuts down and does whatever she wants. Its a very emotional situation I contributed too but did not create.

Im at the point where I am ready to walk.
But I look at my beautiful daughter and I cant bear to think of how she'll feel growing up thinking I dont love her. What a predicament.

I have nobody else and no outlet.

Im super angry about all this.

One part of me wants to go to the airport buy a ticket to somewhere and never look back. But instead Im gonna sit here get drunk and dream about it.

They are leaving for the day.

I know its not the answer.

But today its my answer.

Please wait, Think it through. Drinking is not going to make anything better.

So sorry to hear about your friend and your relationship problems Fallow :(

Feel free to tell me to bog off, but I sense that with you posting here first that maybe you want someone to tell you not to drink?

I'm the last one to give advice, but you know deep down you're not going to feel any better for it in the long run. Big hugs xx

Please give it a chance before you go through with drinking. Try finding the nearest meeting. Go there, raise your hand a share with others. You are not alone. There are others going through similar situations. I am sorry you are hurting, but remember Alcohol or drugs may temporarily ease the pain but after a couple hours you will be much worse off. You can get through this. Do you exercise? Can you drop down on the floor and do 1 push up? Try it right now, Try 5 if you can. It may help. It helps me. What area are you located in, I can find you a local meeting or phone number to call.
Hang in there.

Alcoholics Anonymous : Local Resources that provide A.A. Meeting Information

Fallow,
I'm very sorry about your friend and marital troubles. I think we all know that drinking won't help either of these problems and will impair your ability to work on solutions. Hugs.

So sorry to hear what you are going through. Try and think about how crappy you will feel after the drink wears off. All your problems will still be there. I wish you the best ((hugs))

Fallow, it sounds like an awful week. I'm so sorry about the death of your friend. And it must be very frustrating dealing with your domestic situation.
Feeling angry is understandable.
It sounds to me that what would help would be to lean on the support of some friends. Talk through how you feel with someone who understands.
Drinking will make you feel worse. That is a fact. Did drinking ever solve anything for any of us? Did any of us wake up/come to after a night of getting drunk feeling good about ourselves?
Be kind to yourself rather than self-punish.
We are here for you x

I really dont know why im posting here.

Mostly to document the situation for posterity I suppose.

I dont want anyone to tell me not to drink I know its up to me...
The tools are there.

Im just in the mood for a nice blackout buzz and a few cigarettes.

Ill deal with the rest of my baggage tomorrow.

Fallow...you have other option other than drinking. The fact you posted before you drank means you know you do.

Stay sober for this hour. Stick with us here.

I care and we all care about you.

What happened is defiantly hard to handle. I agree. But drinking will certainly put you in a worse spot.

Stay sober hour by hour please.

Yes Jeni it would be nice to have some friends to lean on.

Unfortunately I have none.

Ouch Fallow, You know you have friends here.

Get out of yourself and get to a meeting.

(I'm sorry if that sounds harsh)

I am no one to talk. I have messed up a thousand times and more.

If you have already begun to drink, you may not be up to leaving to go to a meeting.

Maybe a call to someone from the program could be helpful.

I am sorry.

Your daughter needs a sober Dad, just like my child needs a sober Mom.

You know I care.

We can start our day over at any time.


:grouphug:

Yeah, i've done the same, for different reasons. When we want to drink even as we are quitting, it really helps us to have things as frigged up as possible. I can remember thinking... man, if this isn't a good enough reason to get totally drunk, wtf would be??

Yep. Worked everytime. :(

I don't know your details, and it really dosen't matter if I do, because the truth is, nothing is worth drinking over anymore anyways, no matter the reason/excuse in my face.

The drinking won't bring you anything that you need, or even want after you get drunk, and things are still rotten, and getting sober again starts anew.

I'm sorry for your troubles. I hope you can do better than drinking. I wouldn't wish a return to drinking on anybody, you know?

Life is pretty crappy at times, overwhelming. But drinking might be An answer but it's not The answer. All the pain, sorrow will be there tomorrow along with a hangover & regret.
You can't run away & hide from life. It is always there in the morning.
I'm sorry your plate is so full but find a way to stay sober & keep your head in the game.
You will be happier tomorrow if you do.

You know I feel that way too sometimes, and will say I have no friends. But it is not true.

ISM

I separate myself.

There are lots of people that I could go and be with and be friendly with, but I hide out at home.

There not gonna come banging on our door. Seek and ye shall find.

Be encouraged Fallow!

I'll be quiet now...

[QUOTE=Fallow;3600440]I really dont know why im posting here.
Mostly to document the situation for posterity I suppose.
I dont want anyone to tell me not to drink I know its up to me....[/QUOTE}

Oh, I will not tell you not to drink. But I will tell you some tough words.

I suggest that you buck up now. And face that life is not easy. Life is not fair. Life owes you nothing. You are not a victim of anything but your current self pity. Self pity is the fast track to a drunken life that loses everything.

You are doing no honor to your friend's memory by drinking. You are showing no love to your daughter by drinking. You are showing no respect to us by posting you are drinking and saying you want no interventions from us.

We know you are hurting. But the answer is never to then join the crowd and hurt yourself!!

Stand up, go look in the mirror, and start being the person you know you can be. You define who you are. Other people and life's circumstances, do not. Now, get in the shower. And go out and focus on anything but yourself. And let us know later how you feel after trying that.

Ah yes, the tough love angle...

Hmmm. I wonder... ?!

[QUOTE=EternalQ;3600462] Strong words. I know that was for Fallow, but I might print this out and keep it with me. It's the sort of thing I need to hear too from time to time.

Oh yeah? you do?
Why is that?

Nothing is so bad that a drink won't make worse. I remember a few times when my idea of drinking a problem away ended up creating a few more.

Some pretty good advice and love here...

I am just here to support you not picking up. You got a lot on your plate in a short time, I am sorry to hear that..

This is a biggy, a unbelievable chance to overcome. I hope you get out to a meeting or a double header is what I would do. And wake up tomorrow still sober. I know it will be better than coming to, just to start thinking about this all over again...


Sending a prayer for you..

Wherever you go, you will always be there. Think about that. Even if that "wherever" is the bottom of a bottle. Can't escape yourself although Lord knows I spent many years trying, unsuccessfully I might add. All I accomplished was...well, nothing. Except a problem with alcohol.

The drink is not your friend. We are - and we care. You are not alone.

Of course you are all right.

I took a long shower. Now off to go visit my friends graves. Its been awhile and Ive never been there since the funerals. Kept putting it off. Maybe Ill have an epiphany there.

I wonder why people hid the truth. When I spoke at this kids funeral I wonder if Id have felt different knowing it was suicide... Probably doesnt matter.

Ive never been so angry in my life. Maybe its self pity who knows. Seems more like anger to me. I apologize for posting this here. It is disrespectful Im sure. After being disrespected this week by my wife I am venting frustration.

Trying to avoid a divorce here. Who knows.

**** happens.

Don't apologize. That's why we're here. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Fallow, for reasons we can all understand - you lost this day.

But you haven't yet lost yourself. Tomorrow you can fight again. Fighting hurts, and it doesn't feel good until each battle is over. When you're in the middle of the battle it's rage, and pain, and sorrow. But when you've kicked ass, and you think about that before you close your eyes for the night, you'll find some peace, which will prepare you for the next time.

Your daughter deserves for you to be the hero you are. You came into this world an awesome person. Life changed you. But at the core, you are just as awesome now as you were on your first day. Don't let that child that was you go through this suffering - fight for him!

And don't let the little girl that depends on you lose her dad - fight for her too.

*huge hugs* You don't have to apologize to me for your post - I'm not judging you today, or tomorrow or the next day. I've been there, and I'm also living proof you can win the war!

Feeling emotions is both the greatest and worst thig about sobriety. The thing is, you don't get to pick and choose what you experience as a part of life. You have to take it all. You either face it head on sober and experience life with all of your humanity as we are meant to, or you pick up the drink and continue to struggle with your life and your humanity. Either way, life is going to be a struggle and emotions are going to happen wonderful joy and terrible sadness. At least with sobriety you won't be struggling with your humanity.

Just the walk will do you good Fallow. Remember that on top of everything else, you are now grieving and that in itself will bring all sorts of emotions including anger. It's good that you are venting and getting it all out.

You take good care of yourself today. You deserve it.

I'm really sorry you've had such a horrible time Fallow. I lost an old friend recently to suicide too. It's difficult information to process that's for sure... but I knew drinking wasn't going to help because I knew that if anything was going to bring me one step closer to that path myself...

I didn't ask in this case but I don't know of any suicides that haven't involved drugs or alcohol in some way or another. I wonder if really they are the root cause of a lot of them.

I'm sorry that you feel alone too, but I agree with others here that we do that to ourselves. I know I do. Our addiction wants us isolated and has had years of practice so that it is perfectly capable of isolating us in a room full of people who care! I'm not sure it is capable of doing that in a forum full of alcoholics who want you sober though. I'm glad you posted :) x

Hi Fallow,

I so relate. When I'm heart-broken, harrassed, mauled all at once I immediately want relief. You know what you're going to do, Fallow, and I'm not in a position to suggest otherwise. All I can say though is to be kind to yourself. You deserve it. This will sound incredibly trite and...sappy maybe, but having an attitude of self-compassion can carry you through the bad patches. when I'm in that space of feeling like I'm going to implode, the idea of giving myself a break gets me off the precipice. We alcoholics are so hard on ourselves and so ready to throw ourselves under the bridge. Nothing you're experiencing is your fault. It's life and life is horrific sometimes. What I'm learning to do is to do things that make me feel better, things that are good for me.

If you have to do the booze, then that's your choice of course. It's harmful, but you know that. The point is that there's no judgment against you one way or the other. You are a valuable human being and always will be. In my experience, the best way to heal myself of the kind of pain you're in is to see this and hold onto it through bad times and good.

Anyway, I hope you feel better and find some sort of peace.


Zorah

I'm really sorry Fallow. The loss of a friend is painful. Problems in a marriage are painful.

For a long time I didn't know how to deal with pain like that either...so my only solution was to drink.

Its a weird reaction - faced with destruction...we further self destruct....faced with loss, we want to further lose a little of our self.

Our addiction is so twisted, so disgusting it'll take something as intimate and as painful as tragedy and loss...just so it can get its fix.

You deserve better- and I'm glad you're thinking about it, Fallow.
You're stronger than you know - and you're part of our crew...you're surrounded by people...you are not alone :)

There's some mighty advice here - I'm glad you came here and I'm glad you listened.

D