i am willing to go to any lengths...
 

Dang I'm so tired of this merry go round. I am taking my 1st step right here, right now as I sit in the hair salon!

I feel crappy, my stomachs hurts. I'm thankful I didn't black out at all over the last week. I'm pissed at myself for thinking it was okay to fill my diet coke can up several times with an alcoholic drink last night when I went out. I'm angry at myself for the situations i've put myself in and the things that i've done to compromise my marriage, my values and my soul.

I am done trying to prove to myself that I can control AND enjoy my drinking. When I control it, it sucks & I just want more. When I don't control it, i'm a complete mess!

I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL AND MY LIFE HAS BECOME UNMANAGEABLE. I AM READY TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS TO SMASH THIS ADDICTION THAT IS RUINING ME FROM THE THE INSIDE OUT.

I'm sick & tired of this crap! Why do I keep trying to fool myself??? I feel crazy! I just need to stop, get clean & sober and do the right things.

I love this site & you are all so encouraging and much nicer to me than I am to myself. Thank you!

Been there and done that!

jstar, have you read AA's "How It Works" ?

All the best.

Bob R

I know exactly how you feel jstar...I got to the point I couldn't take it anymore either...Have you been to an AA meeting before? Is that what you are interested in?

Glad you made it online today to post. Also, sounds like you've become willing to take your first step toward a sober life. Hope to hear more soon!

I'm with you jstar, for me it's one step forwards and a few back... every time, totally fed up and mentally exhausted with it. I am devoting all of my spare time to finding every tool in the box to stop this. This is not how life is meant to be...

we will succeed

Cat

Jstar, I sure remember feeling like that and thinking that it was impossible to get out of this mess. Know for sure that you can do this and we are here to offer support.

Oh that merry go round and the belief that I could drink and control something totally out of control. You can have a better life without those thoughts. :)

Yes, several times. I think i'll go read it again now...

Did you read the first four chapters too?....It's kind of important...I started with that blank page at the beginning with nothing on it...Because that's what I knew about AA when I got there.

Hi sapling...actually yes. I've been going to 1-2 meetings every day (with the exception of like 3 days) since the beginning of March. I just didn't want to jump in & admit it fully to myself. I've made friends but I haven't let anyone get closer than the general hello & how are you before & after the meetings. I didn't want to made friends & then let anyone down if I screwed up...

I have but I guess I was trying not to see what was in front of me. Going to re-read that too.

it is always a blessing to see someone surrender!!!
heres the part of he BB i love:
So our fellow worker will soon have friends galore. Some of them may sink and perhaps never get up, but if our experience is a criterion, more than half of those approached will become fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous. When a few men in this city have found themselves,and have discovered the joy of helping others to face life again, there will be no stopping until everyone in that town has had his opportunity to recover - if he can and will.

Still you may say: "But I will not have the benefit of contact with you who write this book." We cannot be sure. God will determine that, so you must remember that your real reliance is always upon Him. He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave.

Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you - until then.

I'm happy for you! :)

try reading chapter 11...A Vision For You

;)

I love the Big Book. I regularly go back and read "There is a Solution" and "More About Alcoholism" whenever I feel myself wanting to get back on the merry-go-round. Such wisdom on those pages.

You can do this. Surrender. Acceptance. Willingness. Honesty. They will take you far. :)

You are ready to go to any lengths to beat this addiction. That is wonderful because that is THE necessary ingredient in any journey to sobriety. Are you ready to make a plan concerning your future use of alcohol? Are you willing to quit drinking? I say this because I believe you can.

jstar, I know I have posted this many times but I will do it again now as a reminder to me:

I have to commit to AA, not just be involved.
The difference is like a bacon & egg breakfast..... the chicken is INVOLVED and the pig is COMMITTED.

All the best.

Bob R

Yes & yes! I am turning it over to God. If he can create the entire universe, surely he can help me beat this addiction as I know that being a drunk wife, mom & friend is not what His design is for my life. Maybe He is bringing me closer to Him...I pray that is the case because I love my God and i've missed the closeness of a full godly relationship with Him.

I think that's great jstar...For me it was important to read the first 164 pages...That has all the chapters being recommended to you...In order. I read that once and then reread it...And you know what I saw in front of me?....Me. I can see how maybe you didn't want to see that....But I couldn't deny it...I denied it long enough...Keep going to meetings...I prayed as much as I needed to not pick up...And for help finding a sponsor to help me through those steps...I wasn't much of a praying man...But they were answered...I have faith now...And I worked those steps with God's help and haven't had a drink since...Do I believe in miracles?.....I do now. Your siganature line...

God will meet you wherever you are...surrender and he will find you...

I believe that too now...I wouldn't be alive if I didn't.
Read the Book...Go to meetings...Ask for God's help....Find your sponsor...Work the steps....And you never have to drink again. And you will be happy and at peace....That's a promise....That's in the book too.

:) Thank you