Back to AA
 

Well I called the girl from AA last night and she invited me to a small AA meeting she's going to tonight. To be honest I have mixed feelings. I am scared that AA will be my life just as drinking used to be my life. That I will never get over the obsession of drinking or not drinking. That I will see someone I know or that if I tell anyone I'm going to AA, they will judge me. I have misgivings about AA because I'm not religious and I have tried in the past to find a higher power but it all seems gimmicky to me. (But, just pretending there is a god and praying has helped calm me down and make me happier- like meditation I guess). I don't like all the cheesy slogans and it starts to sound religious or cult-like to me.

But on the other hand I really like this girl and hope to be her friend. I need sober friends and am mainly going for the company and support. She is so nice to me without knowing me that well, and she remembered me from 5 months or so ago when we went to lunch after I stopped going to AA and said I wasn't sure if it was for me or if I was an alcoholic (she was fine with that and said she remembers those feelings. She has never been pushy). I also think it will help to talk about things with people. Like on SR but in real life. :-)

The good thing about AA is I feel like I belong (which is also the bad thing ;) and that the people are so nice and supportive. But when I leave I often have a very strong feeling which is usually very good, but sometimes bad. It's weird. But I am going to try it out again because I need to change everything and I want to make sure I stay sober this time. (Today is Day 9 for me this time).

I also have an appointment with a new therapist tomorrow after work (it's awesome that she does evening appointments!) and I hope I like her and plan to be honest with her, which I 've never totally been with my prior therapists (what a waste of money and time! - but it still helped). I am grateful for the woman I met at AA, and there is another one I met last time that I am going to call as well, and I want to strengthen my network of sober supportive friends. I am also grateful I have health insurance even though I'm not into most other aspects of my current job. Thanks everyone for all the advice and support. I'm grateful for SR. :)

I bet the good would outweight the bad if you made a list of things you were grateful for due to "aa" and thinks you just didnt like. =)

this was brought up in my meeting last night. usually gratitude wins..its the alcoholic mind that wants to make up excuses not to go.

I understand and share in many of your sentiments. I dont want recovery to absorb my life either, but I am afraid itll always be there at some level. It sounds like you are on a good track, Pigtails. Why not let it take its own course and see where it takes you?

Thanx for your open and honest post.

Pretending there is a God and praying to Him is an excellent way to start! You're willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. This leaves you open to a real and meaningful experience with a higher power of YOUR understanding.

:)

Yes, I'm trying to be grateful and open-minded and think positively, rather than being negative or bitter or doubtful. Thanks. :)

Yeah, it's recently really hit me hard that this is part of who I am. The struggle may always be there. There is no magic or instant cure. It is something I will have to work on my whole life. That is kind of depressing but it also helps me to realize that I need to address it and work on it instead of just hiding it or escaping from it.

I guess I see it as praying to the part of me that I know is in there, who is good and does the right thing. To ask for strength and keep focused so that the part of me that is bad, who wants to run away and act immature etc., doesn't take over. I would believe in a god if I could but I just think this is all there is. So I want to live a good life and be good to myself and others. So I am praying for that. To myself, if that makes sense. It helps to voice my fears, doubts, concerns, requests of life/"the universe", to think about what I need to do so that there is the best chance of that happening, and then to realize it's out of my control and in fate's hands, so, why worry about it anymore? That all I can do is act, not worry. That is what helped me the most the last time I went to AA so I am going to do it again. And I'm going to start going to this universalist unitarian "church" I like, that follows kind of the similar belief system that I just tried to write down here. To meet people who think similarly to me and can support me in living according to my values and principles instead of giving over to the dark side of me that leads me to unhappiness.

I have really weird thoughts so I apologize if I'm not making sense. I was raised in a very religious and controlling environment that I totally rebelled against and rejected, so to me it's amazing that I have even tried to or wanted to be believe in a God or wanted any spirituality at all. I have been trying to find out what it means for me, independent of how I was raised. For me it is more of a secular humanist veiwpoint, and I like a lot that Buddhism has to offer although I don't believe in any of the supernatural stuff.

I was a unitarian, well, my family was, for a while growing up, then we joined the Society of Friends (Quakers... check them out too!)... and now, many years later I'm catholic, LOL...

It's the journey, you know? Seek and ye shall find... all of that... It seems that is what you are doing... awesome.

Mark

You know for a very long time I didn't believe in a HP. I faked it alot. I honestly saw change in the people around me. The home group I chose was a 1-3 steps meeting and they met in a rehab center. So, there was always this consistant reminder of what awaited me if I went back to drinking. Because in the end of my drinking career while I was still barely in control of my professional life... my social life went to ****.

Anyway, for what it is worth... in early soberity it is a great thing if the focus is AA or whatever road you make a decision to travel.

Yes, I'm trying. :) I will have to check out the Quakers!

Thanks.

I am trying to "act as if." Act as if I don't drink. As as if I am a normal, structured person. And act as if I have some spirituality in my life. I honestly don't want to be religious and don't feel the need to believe in a certain god/dogma but if AA is based on having a higher power and I want to do what it takes, then, I am acting as if I have a higher power.

Yes, my professional and social life were very crappy. I want to have a happy fulfilling life. :) So I am faking it until I hopefully make it.

Thanks.

I'm glad you're trying this out pigtails :)

D

I was born Catholic, became an athiest, got sober and confused, and now am studying Taoism. Wherever the answer lies, we never find it if we don't look. Best of luck to you.



camedown :headbang:

Thanks! I will let you know how it goes. I feel very anxious today and unable to concentrate. I don't know what it is about AA that makes me feel anxious... I guess just admitting I have a problem and being afraid of the stigma, etc. But I haven't been able to stay sober on my own so I have to try it. I think once I get there my fears will subside. Perhaps I should have gone to a morning meeting because I seem to be anxious until I get there?!

Thanks. Studying Buddhism helps me and I've thought about studying Taoism. I am not even sure what it is but will check it out. ;) By the way, I like your avatar. :) Watching South Park makes me laugh and decreases my anxiety!!

I found it through a book called The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff. It studies the teachings of Taoism through the eyes of the only true western master of the Tao, Winnie the Pooh. Great read.

As to my avatar, I've had it for a long time, he used to be drinking a beer, but when I quit, I had a friend switch it to water. :)


camedown :headbang:

I don't like all the cheesy slogans

Yeah, they do sound kinda cheesy.

But when I pick one, and really think about what it means, I discover that often times under the cheesy slogan is some pretty profound truth.

How was the meeting Pigtails? :)

My favorite thus far is,"when we're in this meeting, alcohol is in the parking lot, doing push ups." So true.

Pigtails, there are only two groups of people in AA.

The first group very much didn't like the idea of being alcoholic and what that meant and said about them and having to do some simple stuff in order to deal well with their condition the rest of their lives.

The second group has no members.