Back to AA
 

Well I called the girl from AA last night and she invited me to a small AA meeting she's going to tonight. To be honest I have mixed feelings. I am scared that AA will be my life just as drinking used to be my life. That I will never get over the obsession of drinking or not drinking. That I will see someone I know or that if I tell anyone I'm going to AA, they will judge me. I have misgivings about AA because I'm not religious and I have tried in the past to find a higher power but it all seems gimmicky to me. (But, just pretending there is a god and praying has helped calm me down and make me happier- like meditation I guess). I don't like all the cheesy slogans and it starts to sound religious or cult-like to me.

But on the other hand I really like this girl and hope to be her friend. I need sober friends and am mainly going for the company and support. She is so nice to me without knowing me that well, and she remembered me from 5 months or so ago when we went to lunch after I stopped going to AA and said I wasn't sure if it was for me or if I was an alcoholic (she was fine with that and said she remembers those feelings. She has never been pushy). I also think it will help to talk about things with people. Like on SR but in real life. :-)

The good thing about AA is I feel like I belong (which is also the bad thing ;) and that the people are so nice and supportive. But when I leave I often have a very strong feeling which is usually very good, but sometimes bad. It's weird. But I am going to try it out again because I need to change everything and I want to make sure I stay sober this time. (Today is Day 9 for me this time).

I also have an appointment with a new therapist tomorrow after work (it's awesome that she does evening appointments!) and I hope I like her and plan to be honest with her, which I 've never totally been with my prior therapists (what a waste of money and time! - but it still helped). I am grateful for the woman I met at AA, and there is another one I met last time that I am going to call as well, and I want to strengthen my network of sober supportive friends. I am also grateful I have health insurance even though I'm not into most other aspects of my current job. Thanks everyone for all the advice and support. I'm grateful for SR. :)

I bet the good would outweight the bad if you made a list of things you were grateful for due to "aa" and thinks you just didnt like. =)

this was brought up in my meeting last night. usually gratitude wins..its the alcoholic mind that wants to make up excuses not to go.

I understand and share in many of your sentiments. I dont want recovery to absorb my life either, but I am afraid itll always be there at some level. It sounds like you are on a good track, Pigtails. Why not let it take its own course and see where it takes you?

Thanx for your open and honest post.

Pretending there is a God and praying to Him is an excellent way to start! You're willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. This leaves you open to a real and meaningful experience with a higher power of YOUR understanding.

:)

Yes, I'm trying to be grateful and open-minded and think positively, rather than being negative or bitter or doubtful. Thanks. :)

Yeah, it's recently really hit me hard that this is part of who I am. The struggle may always be there. There is no magic or instant cure. It is something I will have to work on my whole life. That is kind of depressing but it also helps me to realize that I need to address it and work on it instead of just hiding it or escaping from it.

I guess I see it as praying to the part of me that I know is in there, who is good and does the right thing. To ask for strength and keep focused so that the part of me that is bad, who wants to run away and act immature etc., doesn't take over. I would believe in a god if I could but I just think this is all there is. So I want to live a good life and be good to myself and others. So I am praying for that. To myself, if that makes sense. It helps to voice my fears, doubts, concerns, requests of life/"the universe", to think about what I need to do so that there is the best chance of that happening, and then to realize it's out of my control and in fate's hands, so, why worry about it anymore? That all I can do is act, not worry. That is what helped me the most the last time I went to AA so I am going to do it again. And I'm going to start going to this universalist unitarian "church" I like, that follows kind of the similar belief system that I just tried to write down here. To meet people who think similarly to me and can support me in living according to my values and principles instead of giving over to the dark side of me that leads me to unhappiness.

I have really weird thoughts so I apologize if I'm not making sense. I was raised in a very religious and controlling environment that I totally rebelled against and rejected, so to me it's amazing that I have even tried to or wanted to be believe in a God or wanted any spirituality at all. I have been trying to find out what it means for me, independent of how I was raised. For me it is more of a secular humanist veiwpoint, and I like a lot that Buddhism has to offer although I don't believe in any of the supernatural stuff.

I was a unitarian, well, my family was, for a while growing up, then we joined the Society of Friends (Quakers... check them out too!)... and now, many years later I'm catholic, LOL...

It's the journey, you know? Seek and ye shall find... all of that... It seems that is what you are doing... awesome.

Mark

You know for a very long time I didn't believe in a HP. I faked it alot. I honestly saw change in the people around me. The home group I chose was a 1-3 steps meeting and they met in a rehab center. So, there was always this consistant reminder of what awaited me if I went back to drinking. Because in the end of my drinking career while I was still barely in control of my professional life... my social life went to ****.

Anyway, for what it is worth... in early soberity it is a great thing if the focus is AA or whatever road you make a decision to travel.

Yes, I'm trying. :) I will have to check out the Quakers!

Thanks.

I am trying to "act as if." Act as if I don't drink. As as if I am a normal, structured person. And act as if I have some spirituality in my life. I honestly don't want to be religious and don't feel the need to believe in a certain god/dogma but if AA is based on having a higher power and I want to do what it takes, then, I am acting as if I have a higher power.

Yes, my professional and social life were very crappy. I want to have a happy fulfilling life. :) So I am faking it until I hopefully make it.

Thanks.

I'm glad you're trying this out pigtails :)

D

I was born Catholic, became an athiest, got sober and confused, and now am studying Taoism. Wherever the answer lies, we never find it if we don't look. Best of luck to you.



camedown :headbang:

Thanks! I will let you know how it goes. I feel very anxious today and unable to concentrate. I don't know what it is about AA that makes me feel anxious... I guess just admitting I have a problem and being afraid of the stigma, etc. But I haven't been able to stay sober on my own so I have to try it. I think once I get there my fears will subside. Perhaps I should have gone to a morning meeting because I seem to be anxious until I get there?!

Thanks. Studying Buddhism helps me and I've thought about studying Taoism. I am not even sure what it is but will check it out. ;) By the way, I like your avatar. :) Watching South Park makes me laugh and decreases my anxiety!!

I found it through a book called The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff. It studies the teachings of Taoism through the eyes of the only true western master of the Tao, Winnie the Pooh. Great read.

As to my avatar, I've had it for a long time, he used to be drinking a beer, but when I quit, I had a friend switch it to water. :)


camedown :headbang:

I don't like all the cheesy slogans

Yeah, they do sound kinda cheesy.

But when I pick one, and really think about what it means, I discover that often times under the cheesy slogan is some pretty profound truth.

How was the meeting Pigtails? :)

My favorite thus far is,"when we're in this meeting, alcohol is in the parking lot, doing push ups." So true.

Pigtails, there are only two groups of people in AA.

The first group very much didn't like the idea of being alcoholic and what that meant and said about them and having to do some simple stuff in order to deal well with their condition the rest of their lives.

The second group has no members.

Maybe yes and maybe no, Pigtails. I don't struggle with sobriety, and being an alcoholic that was forced to take the 12 Steps has led to a better life than I've ever imagined. Maybe it's not an instant cure, and some work is involved, but the 12 Steps are all about getting free and living life on a different basis.

I never wanted any of that when I walked into AA. Hated the 'religious' aspects, hated the slogans, hated the do-gooder/feel good vibe in the rooms. I just wanted to stay sober, and cared nothing about any spiritual awakening. Fortunately, I had some solid AA members around me that didn't give me their opinion. Instead, they laid out the program of recovery (12 Steps) that they had followed, and they showed me how that program manifested in their lives.

It was weird… but good. :-) Thanks for asking.

It happened to be a step meeting and they were reading from the Big Book about the Eleventh Step and prayer and meditation. At first I felt really uncomfortable, like I was totally in the wrong place!! I felt anxious and like it was some religion—reading out loud from some sort of “Bible,” and there was a part that I felt was rather patronizing to agnostics, that said something like, those of us who still insist on being agnostics are silly (at least, that’s what I took from it).

Suddenly, for the first time in the 9 days that I had been not drinking again, I wanted a drink really badly! I just wanted to get out of there and go have a drink and know that I wasn’t like “those people” and I didn’t need to be brain-washed to be “happy,” etc. I was having a lot of overwhelmingly negative feelings. Then the leader stopped the reading and said it was time to share. I started feeling better when I heard people speak because they were just humans, not preachy or self-righteous, which I felt was the tone of the book that was being read. Two people went and then the leader asked me if I would like to share. I was nervous but decided to be completely honest. I said I had been trying not to drink on my own and I had some objections to AA, the main one being that I am not religious and don’t believe in a god, but that people had told me you don’t have to be religious or believe in God to go to AA and that AA is not a religion. So I thought it was pretty strange that the reading was on prayer when I decided to attend. However, I have been trying to meditate and to pray to nothing/whatever is out there and it helps to just voice my concerns and then let them go, so, I am trying to be open-minded and try any suggestions.

The leader asked me if this was the first AA meeting I’d been to and I said no, I went to a few about 4 or 5 months ago, and I had met the woman who had invited me to this meeting today. I said that in between I have been trying to do it on my own in spurts and I definitely feel happier and healthier when I don’t drink, so, I decided to try AA again so that I can just not drink ever, at all.

When the woman who invited me to the meeting got to share, she was really easy for me to relate to, and said that she isn’t religious and doesn’t believe in any god either, and that at first the whole concept of “God” freaked her out and she thought it was creepy. But now she just wakes up every day and “prays” to whatever to give her the strength and guidance to do what she needs to do that day. That is exactly what I’ve been trying to do ever since hearing about the prayer concept, and it helps me, and so I could buy into that concept. I also began to realize that maybe I had felt like having a drink because I knew it would be hard work to face my issues and put an effort into living my life, and that it would be much easier to just escape into alcohol like I’m used to.

Several women gave me their numbers and encouraged me to come back and to go to other meetings. They were all very nice. I like the women’s meeting and small group format. I would like to meet with several people all the time for awhile, but I don’t know how it all works yet. I have an individual counseling session set up tonight with a new therapist, and over lunch I had an appointment at a sleep center for my anxiety-caused sleep disorder, so, I will go to another meeting tomorrow because today is booked full.

Thanks to everyone who told me to go; I’m glad I did. It still feels new and a bit over-whelming to me but I think it is what I need to stay consistent and accountable.

You're right... I guess nobody wants to be there any more than I want to be there.

After the meeting one of the women told me I'm very brave for coming. That made me stop and go huh?

I feel grateful that my bottoms haven't included jail or court time or something saying I needed to go there. At least it is my choice and I can correct the path earlier rather than later.

This is good to know. Thank you. Eventually I hope to feel that it is a gift and something to be grateful for. Right now I oscillate between that feeling, and thinking I am insane/ wishing I could just be "normal."

Pigtails, you're a normal alkie! Keep coming back! :)

Pigtails, it's awesome that you're willing to try something that you're not especially comfortable with in order to stay sober and that you're willing to keep at it. I had a lot of the same issues with God/prayer/spirituality that you mentioned when I first started going to meetings, but something that helped me was hearing this old-timer talk about how his Higher Power started off as an old oak tree in his backyard. "Prayer" to him was going outside, sitting in a lawn chair and talking to the tree. Seemed kinda ridiculous to me, but he explained that at first, having something real to see and touch was what he needed to help him make spiritual growth until he basically "outgrew" it. Made sense to me. It's not like we can go from believing in nothing greater than ourselves to a spiritual awakening overnight. Progress, not perfection.

--Fenris.

Thank you, Fenris. I like the tree idea. For me, just journaling and meditating and thinking about my issues seems to help a lot. Just consciously being aware and honest with myself.

I had my first therapy appointment tonight with a new counselor whom I like so far. She has a very calming presence and gives practical advice (I'm used to the ones who just sit there and listen to me, or ask me thought-provoking questions... it's kind of nice to have someone give me suggestions on what to do!) Funny, we didn't even discuss alcohol yet. I spent the whole time venting about my job situation and talking about my sleep disorder/anxiety (which is the way the insurance categorizes my therapy visits and I guess the main reason I'm going). She had some helpful things to say. Next time I am going to talk to her about my issues and struggles with drinking. I feel good just working on myself and trying to address my issues.

Well said, Fenris. I agree.

I think in order to get sober you almost have to take steps that are uncomfortable. So many people I see on here seem to fail because they're unwilling to try something that doesn't feel 100% safe in order to get sober. I know that was the case for me: I kept relapsing until I was finally at a place where I was willing to commit to some big uncomfortable lifestyle changes and then everything seemed to click.

Glad to see you're keeping an open mind, Pigtails. :)

I'm learning that I need to change everything. I no longer go to the same places or have many of the same friends. I have different relationships with the friends I have left. I am thinking of how to get more friends who don't drink.

My sober life so far has been much more clam and "boring" than my driniking life, but I need that, after so much chaos and craziness. I am learning how to be more responsible, disciplined, mature. But also more patient with myself and self-loving and positive-thinking. It's like everything is truly changing.

I continue to have thoughts of "I'm not an alcoholic" and "I can just drink sometimes." I try to remind myself that that's my addiction talking and I think seriously about my relationship with alcohol, which is, I do not have much interest in drinking unless it is to get drunk. I can fool myself into thinking I want to drink socially or moderately, but, that leads to the slippery slope of wanting to get drunk, so, it's not worth the risk. I want to be able to know who I am sober, to enjoy my time without a buzz, and to feel everything, the good and the bad. So I always remind myself of these reasons not to drink and just keep on not drinking, even when I feel like it.

I am very busy with commitments at work today and am meeting my boyfriend's mom for the first time :) after work, for dinner. So I am not sure if I can make a meeting today. However, I would like to go back. It helps me even though I have mixed feelings about it.