Well, there is only one person who knows when you are ready. And unfortunately that person may have to lose the one she loves and life as she knows it to understand all the fun she thinks she'll be missing is worth this risk.
I used up all the punches on my fun card...there's no turning back for me this time.

So...I wrote my husband a letter tonight, just a little after my last post. 2 pages explaining how I was feeling and how I felt about what he had told me about my drinking. I wrote to him because I was embarrassed to talk to him. I told him that I was thinking about going to a meeting tonight. His response to me was that he though we should find things to do together, to take me & my mind away from it. He didn't mention if he thought I should go to the meeting. So I didn't go tonight. Do you think that maybe if he admits that I should go, that means it is real & we have to deal with it? I kinda think that because before (maybe 6 mo ago) he told me "I don't think you are an alcoholic, you are just overreacting". Is he in as much denial as I am, or am I really overreacting? My posts have come full circle.

I think it's a wonderful idea that your husband suggested (spending time together and doing things) - it will definitely help if you stay busy.

If you have a drinking problem, however, and want to remain sober, you need more than that - you need help and support. Your husband probably knows very little about alcoholism, so I would suggest that you learn as much as you can about it (going to meetings will help as will hanging around this place), and then make decisions based on what YOU need to remain sober and happy. If he is willing, perhaps he can learn as well. But no one wants to admit their loved one is "that bad" because they don't understand that it's not about how "bad" it is...... it's about the compulsion to pick up that next drink. It can be very subtle at first, but if you recognize some of the potential signs it's so much better to catch it now......

There's lots of information here at SR both on alcoholism and AA, so keep reading and asking questions. We'll help you figure it out!:ring

Ditto what artsoul says, and for the record, my husband of 23 years (who said the same thing to me as yours did) does not think I am an "alcoholic". Neither do my friends. They think I am going through some sort of a wellness "phase" and will eventually be able to "enjoy a glass of wine" with them again. I know that whatever they choose to call it, what matters is how it's affecting ME. It's up to you. You have to do it for YOU. Although he probably gets some pretty good glimpses, you are the only one who knows how alcohol is TRULY affecting your life, how it is stopping you in areas you know in your heart of hearts, you could be and do so much more.

I hope you stick around these pages :-)

Unless your husband is a substance abuse professional, his "opinion" of what your problem is doesn't count for a whole lot.

Why don't you read the first few chapters of AA's Big Book (here's an online version) and pay attention to the description of how an alcoholic reacts to alcohol. See if it strikes you as familiar.

jstar...

You may not know it, but your thread here is helping a lot of people right now. It is helping me, I know that.

My wife wanted to be the one to rescue me also. I wish I could remember exactly what she said... but it wasn't too far off from your experience with your husband. I think that your husbands desire to help, to do things together, is a good sign... he loves you and while, perhaps, his "bags are packed" at least on some level, he is willing to stick with you, even if he'd like to do things his way.... to help you... ya know, to do this thing together, and all....

That can't happen.

This will be your journey of recovery and there are a whole lot of other people on this journey with you.... Your husband isn't one of them, he's not alcoholic. That's as it should be... as you recover you two will figure out that you can, in fact, go forward together, you will just work out the how later...

My own experience with my wife has been positive... We'll be growing old together... LOL... One thing we did do together that was both directly helpful to my recovery and to our relationship ..... we attended classes at our church for me to (finally) become a confirmed member of the church.... So there was, ultimately, a thing our two we could do together, in terms of recovery... My wife does not go to al-anon, but don't rule that out for your husband... I would recommend that he consider it... You two, like many many others in your situation have some co-dependency things to work out... LOL... (that's not an insult)

This may be your moment of clarity, jstar!!! That's awesome!!! Take this gift of clarity, as painful as it is, and go get recovered... Find a meeting today, a women's or a beginner's meeting if you can....

Mark

That stuff about what your husband said... "maybe you aren't an alcoholic, you are just over reacting" ... do you really think you are over reacting? As scary as it is for you, it is scary for him, change always is.... but.... A change is gonna come, one way or another.... make it a positive one...

:)

Husband's (or Wife I guess) support can be kind of odd. There are a lot of threads about it and I'm sure I had my own at some point. I think it's a confusing time for everyone. We (DH and I) settled at a point where he does things with me.. sober things that I am learning to enjoy. And he is excited for me as I experience new things. But he has no role in recovery specific things. I don't really talk about it much (a handful of times, maybe. Just expressing my shock as the truth of my addiction unfolded). I'm not in AA so there are no meetings.

From my own experience I guess I would say "leave your husband out of it". This is your pain and your truth and involving him might just confuse things. It was helpful to me to see my only role wrt my husband as being 'reassurance'. I didn't actively reassure him but just I figured that my recovery was obvious and that would be reassuring.

Recovery for me has been very quiet and very personal. I made lots of loud dramatic declarations and promises before I really truly accepted that I was an alcoholic.

Jstar, enjoy yourself until you're not enjoying it anymore. When we want to drink and someone else doesn't want us to drink, guess who wins that one.

At some point you may not want to drink, like the runs you made at AA back when, and then you may find yourself still drinking...you'll slowly get to guess what is actually calling the shots here at that point.

In the meantime enjoy the fantasy that drinking is your decision to make, and that you could easily decide otherwise if you really set your mind to it.

jstar, non-alcoholics don't GET it. That includes spouses, of course. I was just typing about this on another thread, but I'll say it again. My husband is supportive of my recovery, he is not part of it. He's not an addictions counselor, and it's honestly not his business other than my actions in recovery that he can observe, and the ways that I choose to live my life with him moving forward, sober. I couldn't lean on him as a peer, a counselor, or anything for that matter at the time. It wasn't his burden, it's not his fight.. and he doesn't and will never 'get it'.

My husband always had a 'problem' with my drinking. I got the "just have 2 drinks", "just drink beer", "you're stronger than that", etc. If I went by HIS rules, I'd still be drinking. I just got better at hiding it. Luckily, I understand that he's not qualified to address my alcoholism. Not even close.

I had to pursue recovery by myself, for myself.. because I wanted it more than anything else in my life. Like SSIL said, I too have never really talked to my husband about alcoholism, or my recovery.. but he's seen over the past couple of years how my sobriety and recovery has made me a better person, a better wife, and now a wonderful new mommy.

Even yesterday, a commercial came on about some "all inclusive" Mexico resort, similar to one we had been on when I was still drinking.. he mentioned how much crazy fun we had, and that surely I could go for a week and just party, and come back home and 'be strong'. He doesn't get it.. it's not my job to help him get it. It's my job to just say, "nope, won't happen.." and shake my head at him, and move on with my day.

As someone said: this thread is gold. It really has been wonderful to read all these comments. Welcome so much Jstar, recovery is not an event, it is a journey.
Someone here on SR said that. And boy is it true.
Thanks to everyone btw for such great comments.

Jstar I had the exact opposite problem when I went to AA: I thought the room was full of a bunch of amateurs and I was the only real drunk in the room.
:rotfxko

Thank you all for your amazing posts of support! :tyou

I DID go to an AA meeting this morning. I was very nervous and didn't talk really at all, just listened. It was good to see other young women there in the meeting - I am not alone I see in my battle with this stupid addiction of mine that I keep fighting. I was invited to another meeting tonight at the beach that I want to go to...if I can get up the guts to tell my husband that I want to go.

A meeting at the beach sounds awesome:) Go and look at the water if nothing else...it always soothes me.

Congrats on taking a first step to getting healthy!

jstar, I just want to add my twopenniesworth. My husband doesn't think I have a drinking problem and pointblank refuses to consider I might be (whisper it) an alcoholic. Initially his lack of support over what to me was a major revelation really hurt, but now I can stand back from it more. No-one elses opinion matters, if I have ONE drink again I will NOT be able to stop. No more alcohol. Ever.

Scary? Yes, esp first week or so & I did relapse,which was great cos guess what - I drank & it was EXACTLY as I feared/knew it would be. I got great support here after I 'fell off the wagon', got straight back on & feel firmly in the driving seat of my life again.

I'm sober FOR ME - if the rest of the world benefits, HOORAY.

I have to say, I am really proud of you!

The whole going to meetings and what the spouse thinks, and telling your spouse.... well that's another early hurdle to get over... don't worry, you will!

Are you afraid that he'll disapprove? ... or ... does this decision to go and sharing it with him... does it kick up that accountability thing a notch, or maybe a little of both? I have a feeling he might be feeling some of those same things... remember, he's scared too!

Take a deep breath, you don't have to have all the answers now, just do this one step and one day at a time... You have all the support we can give you here, and you'll find plenty at the meeting on the beach...

Good for you!!

a meeting on the beach....ahhhhhh....that sounds soooo soooothing....

sorry. I digress. Happy to hear you went this morning! Keep putting one foot in front of the other, forward.

And I will sit here, jealous of the beach meeting....

Awesome...hope you went.
I haven't seen the beach for years. Used to hang out at the Jersey shore many moons ago...yes, drinking!
I really hope this becomes a new habit for you. I go on Thursday night and I can never wait. I love going.

Thank you for all the comments :) coming here to this site was the right decision for me the other day. I thought that maybe, you would all tell me that I was 'normal' and in the wrong place. Instead you were all honest and gave me your opinions on the words I wrote about myself.
Today is my Day 2. I woke up EARLY this morning without feeling like I wanted to crawl back under the covers. I wasn't hungover for the first time...in a long time. I've gone to 4 meetings since yesterday morning. I'm looking for a good fit for me. I think I will try a women's group next to maybe find some common ground with other "mom's" like me.

I first posted that my husband had a problem with my drinking. My husband isn't the one with the problem. I am the one with the problem.

Awesome jstar... Yeah, I went to a lot early on and found 3 great meetings a week which were a good fit....

Keep comin' back, sharing your journey, especially early on, helps everyone, even those who have yet to start...

Thanx
:)

we have THAT in common! :c008:

CONGRATS ON YOUR NEW LIFE!!!

JStar, I wanted to thank you for posting.