new here...my husband has a problem with MY drinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
new here...my husband has a problem with MY drinking
hello
i'm new here to these boards. have enjoyed reading other's posts tonight before deciding to post myself.
i don't admit to being an alcoholic or not one...just yet. i've had a whirlwind of a year and some days I think I have issues and others I just think I'm overreacting. Although it's starting to hit me....my husband told me two days ago (when I was complaining that he hadn't gone out to a birthday party for a mutual friend to a bar with me over the weekend) that he doesn't like to be around me when I'm drinking. He says that I act different and he never knows which "wife" he will get. I've tried to understand this. I've never been one of the people who drinks and gets violent or crazy. I always thought that I was the "fun" one when I was drinking! He says I'm loud and that it's not as amusing as I think it is in my "drunk" perspective.
i don't know what kind of advise i'm looking for really. A little about me, I'm 31, I own my own business which i work about 10-15 hrs a day. I have 4 kids from 12 down to 3...we are busy...all the time. i drink, pretty much every day. I like to go out with my girlfriends because my husband says that he doesn't want to go anywhere where people may be drinking.
i guess i'm just trying to figure out life...aren't we all?
thanx
i'm new here to these boards. have enjoyed reading other's posts tonight before deciding to post myself.
i don't admit to being an alcoholic or not one...just yet. i've had a whirlwind of a year and some days I think I have issues and others I just think I'm overreacting. Although it's starting to hit me....my husband told me two days ago (when I was complaining that he hadn't gone out to a birthday party for a mutual friend to a bar with me over the weekend) that he doesn't like to be around me when I'm drinking. He says that I act different and he never knows which "wife" he will get. I've tried to understand this. I've never been one of the people who drinks and gets violent or crazy. I always thought that I was the "fun" one when I was drinking! He says I'm loud and that it's not as amusing as I think it is in my "drunk" perspective.
i don't know what kind of advise i'm looking for really. A little about me, I'm 31, I own my own business which i work about 10-15 hrs a day. I have 4 kids from 12 down to 3...we are busy...all the time. i drink, pretty much every day. I like to go out with my girlfriends because my husband says that he doesn't want to go anywhere where people may be drinking.
i guess i'm just trying to figure out life...aren't we all?
thanx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi jstar and welcome!
For me I took the question "am I an alcoholic" out of the equation and changed it to "is my life better when I don't drink?"....the answer was a massive and resounding YES!!!!
Was quitting hard....not so much because I was done and ready to admit it. Do I occasionally miss it...yes until I remember how awful it was at the end.
The way I see it is alcohol is a poison and a depreassant....if I love myself why would I consume either.
Plus....figuring out life is so much easier when booze isn't on the table
For me I took the question "am I an alcoholic" out of the equation and changed it to "is my life better when I don't drink?"....the answer was a massive and resounding YES!!!!
Was quitting hard....not so much because I was done and ready to admit it. Do I occasionally miss it...yes until I remember how awful it was at the end.
The way I see it is alcohol is a poison and a depreassant....if I love myself why would I consume either.
Plus....figuring out life is so much easier when booze isn't on the table
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
yes, i am sure that my answer to "would my life be better?" would be yes. i am struggling with that. i think that maybe i am just overreacting - i mean why can't i enjoy wine with the amazing steak i cooked or having that happy hour with my girlfriends. then i think about my husband telling me that he doesn't want to be around anyone who is drinking - he says that generally, but i know he means me included in that. i asked him for an example of how i am different while drinking (because i thought he wouldn't be able to come up with an answer) and he said "how about a few weeks ago we were at a party and you didn't want to leave, i had all the kids in the car and had to beg you to get in the car to go home" i didn't want to leave, i was trashed and having a great time being the social butterfly. i told him that was an isolated incident....he listed 3 more examples including having to carry me to bed after picking me up off the bathroom floor. 
this makes me sad.
i just can't comprehend the thought of never being able to drink again - ever - for the rest of my life...
this makes me sad. i just can't comprehend the thought of never being able to drink again - ever - for the rest of my life...
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Hi and welcome jstar
I spent years with people telling me I had a problem - I spent years telling them I deserved the drinks to unwind...I always had people to point to to make me feel better about my drinking....
even as a daily drinker like you, it took me years of brushing off the times I made a fool of myself, or would leave a party, or acted inappropriately before I started to think they might be on to something....
Like ainslie said - I couldn't conceive of a future without drinking...and it's only now I see how much of a huge danger sign that was.
so I guess the $64 question I'd ask myself is, honestly, how much do you feel your husband has grounds here?
D
I spent years with people telling me I had a problem - I spent years telling them I deserved the drinks to unwind...I always had people to point to to make me feel better about my drinking....
even as a daily drinker like you, it took me years of brushing off the times I made a fool of myself, or would leave a party, or acted inappropriately before I started to think they might be on to something....
Like ainslie said - I couldn't conceive of a future without drinking...and it's only now I see how much of a huge danger sign that was.
so I guess the $64 question I'd ask myself is, honestly, how much do you feel your husband has grounds here?
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Jstar - great to see you here. Glad you are questioning your drinking, since it's having an impact on your family life.
I was the same as you - could not imagine my life without being able to relax or celebrate with booze. I was so used to having it to fall back on for everything - it was my best friend & comforter (in my mind). The idea of never having it again kept me trying to control my drinking for many years. It never was possible, not even once. All my promises to myself failed - there was no such thing as a glass of wine with dinner. I kept insisting it was just a matter of willpower. It was not.
You have a chance to avoid the hell many of us put ourselves through. I stubbornly clung to my drinking lifestyle until I had dui's, ruined relationships, money & health problems. With all my heart I wish I could go back to being 31 and live my life again, without the booze. Please keep talking to us & let us know how you're doing. We care about you.
I was the same as you - could not imagine my life without being able to relax or celebrate with booze. I was so used to having it to fall back on for everything - it was my best friend & comforter (in my mind). The idea of never having it again kept me trying to control my drinking for many years. It never was possible, not even once. All my promises to myself failed - there was no such thing as a glass of wine with dinner. I kept insisting it was just a matter of willpower. It was not.
You have a chance to avoid the hell many of us put ourselves through. I stubbornly clung to my drinking lifestyle until I had dui's, ruined relationships, money & health problems. With all my heart I wish I could go back to being 31 and live my life again, without the booze. Please keep talking to us & let us know how you're doing. We care about you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi and Welcome,
I hope you will see that alcohol is causing problems in your life.
Denial is a huge part of addiction and I think most of here went through a period of denial. Alcoholism is a progessive disease and it will get worse unless you stop.
I hope you will see that alcohol is causing problems in your life.
Denial is a huge part of addiction and I think most of here went through a period of denial. Alcoholism is a progessive disease and it will get worse unless you stop.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Well...at least he picked you up and carried you into bed. When you start waking up on the bathroom floor you will know he has had it. Is Happy Hour with the girls really just a happy hour? With 4 kids and a job...maybe you are thinking you need a release. I get what you are saying. A glass of wine with a grilled steak sounds appealing! BUT the thing is..at least with me..there was never "A" glass of wine. I wasn't content until I killed off the bottle. You have to think this through and make some choices. It is true..that if you think you may have a problem..you already have the problem. I wish you well..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
you might want to see if you CAN go several days without drinking....and it not being an issue...wow with 4 kids, heavy work schedule you have much to keep you busy and occupied.....(i would be too exhausted to drink)
Tell your husband what you plan to do or not...but just try to not have alcohol and see how you feel without it.
i hope you keep posting and know you will find support here...Like hevyn, I sure wish I could go back too..I never had a DUI, but i have had waaaaay too many nights of not stopping drinking, passing out, falling, bruising myself and adversely affected physical and mental health....it is progressive and you will feel worse as it goes on.
Tell your husband what you plan to do or not...but just try to not have alcohol and see how you feel without it.
i hope you keep posting and know you will find support here...Like hevyn, I sure wish I could go back too..I never had a DUI, but i have had waaaaay too many nights of not stopping drinking, passing out, falling, bruising myself and adversely affected physical and mental health....it is progressive and you will feel worse as it goes on.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
Jstar, I could've written you words, tweaking a couple of irrelevant details (I am a few years older and have three kids).
I drank with my girlfriends (who are all "polished" with successful careers) at home or out at lunch on a sunny patio (which turned into drinking through the evening) several times a month and thought I was the life of the party (I WAS to my drinking girlfriends!) i also drank at home during the week to "get out of my head" (it was JUST WINE, right? Ha.) One day, my husband said the same thing yours did. He has a highly tolerant/patient personality and is not a tee totaler--so this threw me for a loop; if HE'S saying that, I'm not just fooling MYSELF. I already knew my mind worked better on a daily basis without alcohol. It took away my "edge"-my drive. It kept me complacent and comfortable, and stole my contentment. It took me while, but I finally had enough of the low energy, wondering what I said the night before, and lost days. This is a long way around the bush to say...maybe give sobriety a shot? What do you have lose? I am two weeks shy of being sober a year, I found the me I gave up years ago. I wouldn't trade it for the world. It's worth it, and so are you....
I drank with my girlfriends (who are all "polished" with successful careers) at home or out at lunch on a sunny patio (which turned into drinking through the evening) several times a month and thought I was the life of the party (I WAS to my drinking girlfriends!) i also drank at home during the week to "get out of my head" (it was JUST WINE, right? Ha.) One day, my husband said the same thing yours did. He has a highly tolerant/patient personality and is not a tee totaler--so this threw me for a loop; if HE'S saying that, I'm not just fooling MYSELF. I already knew my mind worked better on a daily basis without alcohol. It took away my "edge"-my drive. It kept me complacent and comfortable, and stole my contentment. It took me while, but I finally had enough of the low energy, wondering what I said the night before, and lost days. This is a long way around the bush to say...maybe give sobriety a shot? What do you have lose? I am two weeks shy of being sober a year, I found the me I gave up years ago. I wouldn't trade it for the world. It's worth it, and so are you....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I hope your husband tries Al-Anon. It doesn't sound like you're ready to quit drinking, but it sounds like your drinking bothers him greatly. He may have a long, bumpy road ahead of him.
I was married to two alcoholics before my own drinking spiraled out of control later in life. It isn't fun to be in an alcoholic marriage.
Nobody here can say whether you are an alcoholic. Some people just shouldn't drink, though. They don't know when to stop once they start.
Have you ever tried going an extended period of time without drinking? Might be an interesting experiment. It doesn't "prove" anything one way or another, but it sometimes can shed some light on how important it really is to you.
I was married to two alcoholics before my own drinking spiraled out of control later in life. It isn't fun to be in an alcoholic marriage.
Nobody here can say whether you are an alcoholic. Some people just shouldn't drink, though. They don't know when to stop once they start.
Have you ever tried going an extended period of time without drinking? Might be an interesting experiment. It doesn't "prove" anything one way or another, but it sometimes can shed some light on how important it really is to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Jstar...hi again
When I first realized I had a problem with alcohol I couldn't fathom life without my wine....what is it with women and wine anyway? It took me awhile but I had to completely change the way I viewed wine in order for me to stop. I now find it repugnant and don't wish I could drink at all. When I have the random drinking thought I realize it is a mirage. I also had to do a lot of work on myself...why couldn't I be a fun, social person without alcohol....turns out I can, it had just been so long I had forgotten how.
When I first realized I had a problem with alcohol I couldn't fathom life without my wine....what is it with women and wine anyway? It took me awhile but I had to completely change the way I viewed wine in order for me to stop. I now find it repugnant and don't wish I could drink at all. When I have the random drinking thought I realize it is a mirage. I also had to do a lot of work on myself...why couldn't I be a fun, social person without alcohol....turns out I can, it had just been so long I had forgotten how.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
My drink of choice was wine too, I think wine has just been seen as a glamour drink.... there was nothing glamour about me drinking it!! I sure have realized that!
I was in the same boat, just 14 months ago, I couldn't have EVER imagined my life without wine in it...now the opposite has happened..I can't EVER imagine wine EVER being in my life again!! although I don't recommend thinking in such large terms during the first new stages of sobriety.. the one day at a time works so well......"just for today, I choose to not drink" and then the days become months, the months become a year...and you realize how life is without the crutch of alcohol....you become so "real"
I was in the same boat, just 14 months ago, I couldn't have EVER imagined my life without wine in it...now the opposite has happened..I can't EVER imagine wine EVER being in my life again!! although I don't recommend thinking in such large terms during the first new stages of sobriety.. the one day at a time works so well......"just for today, I choose to not drink" and then the days become months, the months become a year...and you realize how life is without the crutch of alcohol....you become so "real"
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I have a very tolerant wife. She wishes now she wouldn't have been, maybe my life would not have become so unmanageable and the trouble I invited into our world would have been avoided... I don't know, will never know, but I don't think that anything short of leaving me would have made any difference... maybe not even that.... It was serious trouble, from outside, to get my attention and to get me started in recovery.
It is not normal drinking you describe... whether you are alcoholic, problem drinker, whatever... most moms (or dads) don't have to be reminded that their kids are waiting in the car while they are drinking and getting trashed... normal drinkers don't pass out on the bathroom floor, and if they do, that'll be last time...
I was not a normal drinker. I could not fathom a life without drinking either... But now I can. I do it one day at a time.
It is not normal drinking you describe... whether you are alcoholic, problem drinker, whatever... most moms (or dads) don't have to be reminded that their kids are waiting in the car while they are drinking and getting trashed... normal drinkers don't pass out on the bathroom floor, and if they do, that'll be last time...
I was not a normal drinker. I could not fathom a life without drinking either... But now I can. I do it one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
a few things strike me in your original post.
Often for alcoholics, those who live with us see the problem first. Not always, but it does happen. however, you have to believe you have a problem, and do something because you want to. Not sure you are at that point.
If you really want to know, i would echo what i saw others mention. go without drinking for say 3 or 6 months. How about a year? Even start with 30 days.
If it is no big deal, you don't have any issues with alcohol. Normal drinkers can take it or leave it.
Often for alcoholics, those who live with us see the problem first. Not always, but it does happen. however, you have to believe you have a problem, and do something because you want to. Not sure you are at that point.
If you really want to know, i would echo what i saw others mention. go without drinking for say 3 or 6 months. How about a year? Even start with 30 days.
If it is no big deal, you don't have any issues with alcohol. Normal drinkers can take it or leave it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
Thank you all for your posts
This has been a struggle trying to determine if I really need it or if I don't. My drink of choice...vodka. it started back with a few at parties & get togethers. Now it seems that I can't wait for the next event for my opportunity to "have a good time". Having a good time usually consists of me pouring for myself and everyone else from the time I get there, till the time I leave. I try to discount the two I have before leaving the house (my jumpstart on the party) or the bottle I bring with me just in case what I like isn't there.
I intelectually see the "problem" here, but I my life if so busy & stressful all the time, why can't I just have a few drinks like my friends do. My husband used to have drinks with me when we hung out with friends. Now, he says he hates alcohol and doesn't want to be around drunk people at all. I guess I am having that effect on him. I just think that he doesn't want to spend time with me. He says he does, just not when I'm drinking. That should be enough for me...but its not.
I have tried going a time without drinking. Last year my husband asked me not to drink until thanksgiving, it was only a matter of 3 weeks. The first few days he removed all the alcohol from the house, which made me angry even though I asked him to do it.I was okay for a few days, then I found the baily's in the fridge he forgot. So I drank that in my coffee at night. Then a few days later I bought a bottle of vodka and kept it under the bathroom sink....ahh I know writing this out sounds so stupid....I really should see these things as a sign....I think I do. I just am afraid that my life will be boring without drinking....
This has been a struggle trying to determine if I really need it or if I don't. My drink of choice...vodka. it started back with a few at parties & get togethers. Now it seems that I can't wait for the next event for my opportunity to "have a good time". Having a good time usually consists of me pouring for myself and everyone else from the time I get there, till the time I leave. I try to discount the two I have before leaving the house (my jumpstart on the party) or the bottle I bring with me just in case what I like isn't there.
I intelectually see the "problem" here, but I my life if so busy & stressful all the time, why can't I just have a few drinks like my friends do. My husband used to have drinks with me when we hung out with friends. Now, he says he hates alcohol and doesn't want to be around drunk people at all. I guess I am having that effect on him. I just think that he doesn't want to spend time with me. He says he does, just not when I'm drinking. That should be enough for me...but its not.
I have tried going a time without drinking. Last year my husband asked me not to drink until thanksgiving, it was only a matter of 3 weeks. The first few days he removed all the alcohol from the house, which made me angry even though I asked him to do it.I was okay for a few days, then I found the baily's in the fridge he forgot. So I drank that in my coffee at night. Then a few days later I bought a bottle of vodka and kept it under the bathroom sink....ahh I know writing this out sounds so stupid....I really should see these things as a sign....I think I do. I just am afraid that my life will be boring without drinking....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by jstar 
why can't I just have a few drinks like my friends do
If your friends are normal drinkers... They don't hide the vodka under the bathroom sink... I did, but I wasn't a normal drinker... hell, I hid vodka under the front seat of my car...
If your friends are normal drinkers... They aren't afraid that their life will be boring without drinking... I was, but I wasn't a normal drinker.
My life isn't boring now, and it gets better all the time.
Good for you, you are having some moments of clarity... Your husband sounds very very concerned about your drinking... He probably doesn't want to be around people who are drinking because he's afraid he's gonna have to pick you up off the bathroom floor.... again. If your friends are normal drinkers, their spouses don't have to do that.
You can leave this all behind, jstar. If you are ready, you can start now. Welcome to SR, and please, please, for your own sake... keep coming back!!
Mark
P.S. Seeing the problem isn't the same as accepting it... I knew I was alcoholic for quite awhile before I was able to accept it. Acceptance is huge. Once I accepted the problem for what it was, alcoholism, I became accountable... Accountability is scary... but you don't have to do this alone...
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Originally Posted by Mark75
P.S. Seeing the problem isn't the same as accepting it... I knew I was alcoholic for quite awhile before I was able to accept it. Acceptance is huge. Once I accepted the problem for what it was, alcoholism, I became accountable... Accountability is scary... but you don't have to do this alone...
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