Reaching Out
 

I am about 5 1/2 weeks sober and this is a miracle in itself. I am a queen of relapsers and I know I have to do things much different this time in order to stay sober.

I am reaching out here, even though it goes against every grain of my being and I don't exactly know why that is. I don't have to understand it right now, just do sobriety different and I am trying as hard as I can.

So...my last relapse was on January 20th. It was the night before my birthday and I wasn't feeling badly at all. The thought came to me I should have a glass of wine or two to celebrate when I got off work and I did.
I remember having three glasses and fast forward to blacking out completely and coming to in jail without a shred of memory as to what happened. Put together, friends had called me a cab and I had attacked the cab driver and was arrested and put in jail for Drunk and Disorderly.

This started my journey in recovery one more time. This time I have stayed sober since and it has felt completely different. I have come to understand concepts that have been taught to me over and over and I guess I never comprehended them before. These concepts seem to be working this time, I get it and it is a whole different ride for me.

Anyway, tomorrow is my court date and I am terrified and I am reaching out.
Yesterday for the first time, I was hit with a compulsion/obsession to drink so big that it felt like a punch in the gut. It literally doubled me over and I felt sick and anxious and awful. I would always just drink that feeling away before. ALWAYS. I didn't and don't even understand why. I called someone and talked about it. I prayed to I don't know who and the feeling passed.

Today I'm still scared, feel shaky and worried. I know I won't drink, but I do need support. I came on here very motivated to help others and have been posting just that. I had to really wrestle with myself to post for myself here.
I, for some reason feel that I shouldn't bother you all with my troubles and I don't deserve the support. It is all my fault anyway. I don't want to be like this anymore. I can't if I'm going to stay sober.

Right now I'm shaking even harder as I write this. I have a huge lump in my throat and a feeling of impending doom. Thank you for reading this. I have to stay sober no matter what. I have to or I know I'm going to die. That is the truth.

Mtn, I'm not sure what to say here other than it is good of you to reach out...a very necessary step, IMHO. Although your legal situation is serious, it could be much, much worse. It seems to me that your humility must lead you and direct your actions. Perhaps the judge will order you to enter treatment, go to meetings, or seek counseling. Embrace these consequences with everything that you've got and see them not as punishment, but as the potential salvation you are looking for.

I could not get recovery until I admitted that I could not do it on my own and was willing to do whatever it took, whether I wanted to or not.

Best of luck tomorrow and let us know what happens.

Hello, You have been so great on other posts for other people and I am sure all would agree that we are here for you. I can imagine that it must feel very scary about going to court. I had an incident yesterday that I thought would shake my sobriety, not as big as you are going through, but the bank ate my card, I had no money, all these things went through my head about why my bank card would have been taken, crazy thoughts, my security felt under threat. I just took some deep breaths and took one step at a time to get it sorted, it was a bank glitch nothing to with me. Drinking came to mind and then I actually said to myself, How Stupid would that be, I am so much more capable of handling these things life throws at me now. No going back for me. Only forward. I am now on close to 70 days and once I took stock of the reality that my life is good with out it and bad with it, I really had no choice but to say this IS IT!! I will be thinking of you and just take that one step at a time and remember to breath, sounds silly but it really does help. We are all here for you.

Hugs,

Have you done any work on improvements that can be put during your trial that help your defence? You have stayed sober at least, and as you say you are here giving others help and support here, rather than look for it. Thats really quite selfless of you and a good quality you need to bring to court. Things 'like' that should be heard tomorrow.

Very best of luck to you Magic :-)

You're reached out to SR when that runs counter to what you normally do; you're facing your fear, head on, and not drinking. You should be commended for both things.

Hang in there!

I'm be thinking of you MM.

Fear is a biggie for me too - I used to be so terrified I just didn't want to feel that way...now I know I can face any feeling, any emotion and get through it without resorting to drink....feeling won;t kill me, but drinking will.

You've been working really hard on your sobriety since 20th Jan - I'm trusting that whatever happens tomorrow that will be taken into account

best wishes M
D

When I got sober, mtnmagic, I was finishing up a multi-year divorce, going through formal proceedings to fire me from my job, and facing sentencing for a felony charge.

About the only thing I had going for me was nothing to lose. I could surrender to the 12 Steps because I had no choice but to surrender. So, I stayed focused on those actions, every day, making a little progress in the solution that had worked for others. And some days those first few months were hard, but my circumstances became kind of a background noise. They were not the focus of my life at the time. Instead, I focused on that flimsy thread that seemed like my only hope of getting through this.

The end result was a completely different life and a chance to clean up the messes I had made. I'm sure that if I had focused instead on the messes, there would have been the same life and many new messes in it.

These are some pretty major insights, you should sit up an take notice and give yourself a pat on the back.

I've been sober a long time now. I know I won't drink today, but sometimes I need to be with people who get it because they live it. When I feel like this I go to a meeting or I post on a board like this one. Helping out others takes away the focus on myself and reminds me where I came from. It short-circuits any pity party I might feel like throwing myself LOL

If I have to point to one single thing that made me quit fighting and get real, I have to say it was the day I knew in my heart beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had only one choice left: sober up or die.

Like you, I chose life, and I've never regretted it :)

Hey, (((mtnmagic))).


You should be proud of your sobriety and that you are facing this difficult time sober.

Take care of yourself.

I'm glad that you came here and posted.

Tomorrow will be a difficult day, but you can get through it.

Be sure to come back and let us know how it goes tomorrow.

Hey mtn - you're doing great....... :You_Rock_ Anyone would be scared and nervous about going to court - just remember "this too shall pass." Someday you'll look back on this and see how getting through it made you stronger.

Prayers and hugs going out to you today.........:hug:

Hey, mtnmagic, you are doing awesome. Please listen to your lawyer's advice, but if I was the judge, I would be heartened to hear the kind of honesty and self-awareness that I'm seeing in your post.

I hope court goes well tomorrow. But regardless, no need for a sense of impending doom. As long as you're not drinking, it's more like impending hope! :)

Mtn,

Dealing with BIG FEARS was the absolute HARDEST thing for me in early sobriety. I was like you--I didn't want to drink, but I didn't know what to do with myself instead.

I think it is great that you posted how you were feeling, here. That's exactly the right thing to do.

I can promise you that it gets easier, with practice, to deal with scary stuff without picking up a drink. Every time I did it, it got a little bit easier. The fear won't kill you--at least, if you don't drink it won't.

I don't know how you feel about prayer, but some prayer or meditation with breathing can help calm you down. You can't control what happens tomorrow in court. That's a given. What you can ask for, though, is that you be given the grace to accept whatever happens. If I recall correctly, you weren't charged with assault because the driver didn't want to press charges. In all likelihood (and I know something about how things go in court), you will have to pay a fine, and possibly have to participate in an alcohol evaluation and comply with any recommended treatment.

It's probably (I'm guessing, here) more of a blow to your ego that you are in court for something you are ashamed of than it is a real fear of serious consequences. Remember, nothing like this ever has to happen again. That was then, this is now. You are making big, important changes in your life. That's something to feel good about.

Someday this incident can be something you look back on in gratitude--that you got a hard wakeup call that you needed, and nobody got seriously hurt.

Hugs, it's all gonna work out, so long as you keep doing the right thing.

Hi Magic, Reaching out has been the hardest of things for me too, and like you I am new to sobriety, about 6 1/2 weeks. But it has truly been the one thing that has helped.

Totally understand you being nervous about tomorrow, but just remember, yiou have done the hardest thing... getting sober and staying sober... so anything else will be much easier.

You are doing great, Magic, and all my best thoughts are coming your way! Hold on to the hope!

Thanks for coming here and telling us, you will be glad if you don't drink. Each time you prove to yourself you can handle a situation like this and not drink, it is a step forward and reinforcement. Cravings always eventually pass, even if you have to repeat that to yourself as a mantra 'this too shall pass'. Good luck in court, I think you'll present well judging on your recovery progress.

Sorry I didn't see this before, but wanted to send support and love your way. You'll be on my mind tomorrow as you have your court date. Generally, it doesn't turn out as badly as we imagine it will. I'm hoping very hard that'll be true in your case.

Whatever happens, drinking only makes us weaker and more vulnerable. I used to seek strength by drinking, and all it did was mask my feelings. It is not our helper or our friend, the way we've convinced ourselves it is. You do not need it in your life.

We're all with you - you've been doing great, and I know you'll continue on the right path. Sending love out there to Cali.

Thanks to everyone for the support. I need it, I really do.

I am ashamed to be going to court beause of my alcoholism. I am.
I believe I deserve whatever sentence I get, no matter what it is.
I am guilty as sin for what I am charged with. I have tried to push this
to the back of my mind during these last weeks and focus only on my recovery. This is what is important. I don't believe I'm staying sober as a
result of this, but it sure did open my eyes.

Whatever happens will be less then I deserve for all the years that I have relapsed and all the pain I have caused to others (and myself) in my life.
Worst case would be to be led away in handcuffs and I don't think that will
happen, but if it does, I don't care. I will deal with whatever it is so I can
move on to the other side and keep on with recovery.

I should have lost my job multiple times in the past few years and I didn't
My son's should hate me for the hurt and worry that I have put them through
these last years and they don't.
Bottom line I should be dead and I'm not.

Dealing with this stone cold sober is painful and exhausting. I'm not used to dealing with anything front and center without obliterating myself as a coping mechanism.

The obsession to drink has not been there at all, except yesterday and it was incredibly strong while it lasted. I've never, ever given it a chance to pass before. I've always jumped on that as an excuse to run out and drink.
The fact that I did not is not of my own making. It must be God. A God that I don't understand at all, don't feel connected with as far as anything spiritual goes, but do believe is there. This has got to be a start, its all that I've got, and there is no other explanation for not relapsing. I am praying as best as I can. Not for any particular outcome, just the strength to get through this, assistance and guidance to remain sober and gratitude that I have made it so far to date.

Thanks again everyone and I will check in again after court tomorrow and I will stay sober no matter what.

Big hugs mm... I'll be thinking about you tomorrow and sending positive thoughts your way.

Atta girl.

You are gonna be just fine, and I'm not talking about only the court result. :)

(((MM))) - I've seen you on here, so very supportive of others. It's about time you accepted that we're here to support YOU too. Yes, you do deserve it.

I think you did great yesterday!! Some people have a hard time with the "God" concept, and though I do believe in God, I think that it's just a matter of believing someone/something is out there that really does have our best interests at heart. We don't always get the answer to the prayer we may want, but we usually get what we need.

I've often, in times of really struggling, just said a short prayer of "help?!?!"

I know you're scared about what's going to happen, tomorrow, but I'm really proud of you for reaching out. We ARE here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy