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Day 1 again. I've been there oh so many times. I can't say I'm excited to go through another brutal detox.

I've made it as far as 3 months earlier in 2010, then fell off the wagon big time. Now having split from my wife of 12 years nearly a month ago, I used that as an excuse to go on a horrible bender, which has me frightened for my health.

I know so many of you have been there, but quite frankly the future looks frightening to me right now.

Welcome to SR, CJ :)

I remember how frightening it can be - but you're not alone :)
You'll find a lot of support encouragement and understanding here :)

D

Welcome, CJ.

The support on here is fantastic. Stick around.

Thanks for the support. I'm actually at an office job right now if you can believe that, luckily I get left alone most the day. I definitely do not want to be here, but they don't have anyone to replace what I do. On top of that I'll be working through the weekend. Its going to be hellish.

As it turns out though, I'm a pro at getting through detox. Endless practice. :) You would think I would learn, but alcoholism is definitely an insane affliction.

Yup, it is. Do you have a plan for what you are going to do differently this time, so you don't have to go through this ever again?

I like AA--If you haven't tried it--heck, even if you have--I recommend it.

Not sure what I'm going to do differently. I've actually made it 2 to 3 months sober, 3 different times in the last 2 years. Which at least is far more than any time in the last 15 years. Unfortunately, when I'm drinking now its far more severe. I can go through scary amounts of alcohol. I have to remind myself I'm not invincible. This can kill me one day, and I am a father of 2 little girls, who I actually still see all the time despite my seperation. And I want to keep it that way, which means the booze has to go. That's something that is definitely different, and gives me the most motivation.

I believe I can do this. I have to do this. I just need the support to get through this difficult period.

Glad you're here CJ and that you're reaching out for support. I can't imagine going through detox and working, too. The anxiety is the pits, but you know things will get better if you hang in there.

The good news is that you can make this the last time you'll have to go through detox. It's scary to get sober (at least it was for me) but it's a whole lot scarier when you think about the alternative. The "health alert" buzzer was going off in my head before I quit, too. Looking back, I'm sure "someone" was trying to give me a message.

You're in good company here and you really can make this one stick!:ghug3

Oh yes, the anxiety. I really do hate that part. While typing this I have 1 and half hours till this shift is over, and then I get to go home to fun filled sleepless evening shaking like a leaf. I just try to stop shaking when people speak to me, to ashamed to tell the truth. The flu excuse works well. :)

The health alerts have definitely been going off. I've been getting terrible chest pains from drinking. I can't imagine that's a good sign. Its really quite scary. But I am also well aware of the risks of detox, and will get medical attention if I feel the need. So no one needs to worry about that. I'm just hoping that's not necessary.

Day 1 again here too. If you don't mind me asking, how long after your last drink to you begin to shake? Beleive me, I've been drinking A LOT lately. Scary amounts as you said. I feel totally fine right now, but I fear what is instore for tomorrow or the next day.

Good to hear from you IrishEyes. I certainly don't mind you asking. I start to shake before I get to the 24 hour mark, but it gets worse after that. The first 72 hours are the worst. Once you get through that it's not a picnic but a lot better. Hopefully you don't have anything planned for the weekend, and then by Monday you will start to feel better.

I wish you luck, and since we are both on Day 1 check back with me. We can motivate each other through this.

Motivating each other sounds good. I can't wait to see what kind of living hell the next few days have in store for me. Assuming, I don't drink...

But I have a feeling we'll both make it this time.

Way to stay positive. Its difficult during these times. Withdrawal will affect different people in different ways, so I can't really say what's in store for you. Don't expect it to be a good time though. Keep yourself distracted as much as possible, but do remember the pain of it, so you always no what that one drink is going to lead to again.

Now that's soem pretty hypocritical advice coming from since I clearly didn't pay attention to it, but I'm going to try this time. Stick through it and let me know how you feel tomorrow.

Welcome

Welcome. One thing that seems to help with anxiety and the shakes is plenty of water and exercise. I'm sure exercise doesn't sound like fun right now, but running a few miles may lift your spirits and help you sleep.

I'm in full agreement with you there Zebra. Excercise definitely helps. I'm not up to par right now to do so yet, but I will be. Last year during one of my dry periods I actually trained for, and ran a full marathon. Excercise is one of the best things for maintaining sobriety.

Anyways, I made it through the night, and it was a rough one. Day 2 now. More fun to come, but truth be told I'm feeling very resolved.

When I returned from a
28 day rehab stay, all the
alcohol had been removed
by my spouse to help me
with my recovery.

I was grateful for that.

With a 28 day rehab
and a 6 week outpatiant
aftercare program in
place and a good head
start, i was set on a
path of recovery living
it one day at a time.

Not yesterday which is
already gone. Not tomorrow
cause who knows if it
will ever come. But stayed
in today made staying
sober is a hell of alot easier
to handle.

I went to AA meetings
as was suggested so I
wouldnt be alone and
could be surrounded by
many of those with the
same problem as I.

I needed to have someone
i could relate to and call
upon when the urge to
drink would crop up.

I went to any lengths to
not drink. Any lengths to
not be sent out of state
to a halfway house away
from my little ones at the
time.

If i didnt have someone
to watch my babies, i took
them with me.

A colorbook, music, toys...
feed, rested...and they did
fine without disturbing others.

I got what I needed to make
it another day sober. YES..!!!!

That was in early recovery.
My kids r grown little adults
now who are totally awesome. :)

We survived it and better
for it.

A program of recovery by
all in the family helps.

I had a program and 20 yrs
later im still sober and
very much grateful for it.

20 years. That's very impressive Sharon, and inspiring. Thanks for sharing your story.

Just a bunch of one days
at a time collected together. :)

I didnt put the drink down
by choice. I tried so many
times and failed so many
times like countless others.

My family stepped in getting
me help which i couldnt do
for myself.

Thank my HP for them.

After rehab, I was on my own.

Staying away from people,
places and things dealing
with alcohol was a necessity
to stay sober.

Not having alcohol in my
home was perfect cause
if i got pizzed or someone
ruffled my feathers, im sure
i would have reached for
"posion" to numb my feelings.

I replaced many things with
recovery items for a constant
reminder of what my life is.

I have framed AA sayings like
you see on tables or walls at
meetings on the wall behind
our tv. to glance at every day.

I also have a lighted AA symbol
plugged in the center of the
framed sayings.

Boy im ready for my own AA
meeting right here at home.... :)

I also have an AA sticker on
the back of my car window.

From time to time we will be
on a trip or around town and
spot an AA bumper sticker and
it makes me smile just to know
im not alone.

I belong to a unique and awesome
recovery club and im proud. :)

Firstly, welcome to SR. I hope this quit sticks for you. Something I thought of:

I bet your quits are getting harder, too, aren't they? Here's something I experienced with my alcoholism:

I drank daily from ages 18 to 35. I quit drinking several times during those years. The first quit was to lose weight. It was the easiest one by far. The drinking slipped back in because I hated the spartan lifestyle. The next quit happened because I decided to return to college. The drinking slid back in with more severity. The next one was because I got the post-college job. Stress allowed the drinking to come back with a little more severity. That time, I couldn't quit--not even for a day. Finally, my body tried to quit on me, and here I am at SR.

I know in my heart that quitting again is going to be nearly impossible. That's one of my biggest reasons for staying quit. I've gone through some horrible, hard times . . . but I've had to keep in my mind that drinking is just going to make it worse.

I also look at ways I've hurt myself. I broke my nose while I was drinking. I fractured my skull while I was drinking. I have broken veins in my face. Even after 2.5 years sobriety, I still get off balance at times. This is probably as good as it's going to get. I keep asking myself how much worse it would be if I started drinking again.

The thing is, after you start damaging your body, there will come a point that it quits bouncing back. You said you have two little girls. Perhaps they can be your focal point--the thing you focus on when the desire to drink is so bad that it hurts. You don't want them grow up without a daddy, do you?

My quits have definitely been getting harder. Your story sounds familiar to me. I've been drinking heavily from 18 to my current age of 34. With many failed attempts to stop.

My fear is going past the point of no return with physical damage. It's a terrifying thought.

I definitely do not want my kids to grow up without a father. After my seperation I currently have shared custody. Which I received with agreement from my ex due to the fact the one good thing I've ever done with my life was be a good father. Those girls mean the world to me. If I want to keep that shared custody I have to quit. This is why I'm going to succeed this time. There is no way I'm going to choose the bottle over my children. They're all I have left.

Well, its noon where I am on day 2. I feel quite awful. I'm nauseous, shaky, I think my head just explode if I move it quickly, and my legs are shaking so bad I think one of my knees may hit me in the jaw.

So far all you people on here who have been sober for a while, let me tell you, this is the fun you've been missing.

Welcome; it is going to be okay.

Hi. I'm glad you made it through Day 1. So did I. How do you feel right now? Physically I feel fine...a little tired. But I'm deffinately craving it bad.

Tonight is going to be rough, and let's face it, it's going to suck. But keep going!

Good to hear you made it through too Irish. I feel pretty awful right now. Read my above post, but I'm staying strong, and I will be moving on to day 3. I'm glad you are feeling better than I am, but with Saturday night here it makes day 2 more difficult. Make sure you move on to day 3 as well.

Hope you're feeling better CJ.
Trust me, however long it's been, I never forget feeling like that.

D

Thanks Dee. It's now morning of Day 3. It was another rough night, but honestly I actually feel alot better then yesterday. I should feel worse today, but it's more bearable. This day should be an eaisier one to get through. Better days ahead of me. I'm starting to feel hopeful.

CJ1, I can't help but think it might be a smart thing to see a doctor. And LexieCat asked about if you plan on doing anything different. I don't know if you noticed or not, but your way doesn't seem to be working. There are better ways to do this getting sober thing than trying to do it by yourself.

I myself must have quit at least 100 times or more and thinking all the time, I don't need anyone's help ,I can do it alone. Wasn't very smart thinking on my part and I found out that, in a better way, when I finally asked for help and meant it.

Just wanted to add, I found a better way in AA and I found that I don't have to suffer like that ever again, or drink again.

Be careful and hopefully, be smart.

Harry

Thanks for the frankness Harry. I know about my many failures in the past, and you would be right in questioning my effectiveness. I probably should have went to a doctor the last 2 days. My stubborness and embarrasment stopped me from doing so. Admittedly not smart, and the type of withdrawal I go through is dangerous. Today though, I really am on the up an up. Not feeling well by any means, but much better. Which normally would not happen for me by the 3rd day, but I really do feel better.

As for trying different methods, I started with this online support group, also, I sucked up some pride and admitted to my parents (who I am currently temporarrily living with due to my seperation) that I have a drinking problem, and am attempting to quit. I have been hiding away and not telling them how severe the withdrawal is.

I honestly believe that another drop off the wagon, may put me past rock bottom. So yes I'm frightened. Whether I want to take the route of AA is the question. I know many here will suggest that.

Thing is, CJ, you don't have to "join" AA to go to a few meetings and see what it's about. There's no requirement that you admit you're an alcoholic, there's no requirement that you say anything at all.

A lot of people are very surprised when they go to their first meetings and find that they feel right at home there. It's also true that different meetings have a very different "flavor"--if you don't like the first one you go to, it's worth checking out a few more before making up your mind about it.

Heck, considering the fact that there's no obligation whatsoever, it seems kinda like you might be cheating yourself not to at least check it out.

I understand your point Lexie. I will seriously consider it. At the time being I just want to crall under a rock. I can get through the detox, its the long term recovery I keep having a problem with. Sad considering how healthy I've felt getting past 30 days. Why would I ever pick up a drink again. I really do understand the power of the is affliction. It can drag you into the pits of hell at any time.

Tomorrow will be day 4. I've always loved getting to that day. You are past the most severe part and there is a feeling of hope. Ironically sad how I say I always love getting to that day, and that its filled with hope in the same paragraph. Shows how many times I've failed. But not just is it day 4, but it would have been my 12 year marriage anniversary. That's going to make it difficult. Though many of you would have assumed the break up was due to my drinking it actually wasn't. The ex drinks fairly heavily, but still no where near my level. It was actually due to her many years of attempting to make Tiger Woods look faithful. Though she wasn't as drunk as much, at times she would get terribly violent as well. Punching me in the face for any slight. Once she even through broken glass at my face, cutting the sides of my face up, and narrowly missing my eyes.

That of course used to give me a lot of excuses to drink. I think getting out of that situation was another healthy move to a better future. I stayed because I considered I didn't deserve better. No good alcoholic that I was. I was just damaged goods myself. How could I expect better. The sad thing is, as bad as it was, I'm feel terribly lonely now. But I can never expect a better future until I heal myself.