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Originally Posted by Womble
(Post 2557447)
I realised that I was going to kill myself if I carried on, so I got on my knees, prayed, then balled my eyes out. (sad isn't it?) Be well. |
Womble - I am glad that you had this experience. Relapse is part of the recovery process for some, so don't beat yourself up, rather learn from it. Now you need to actively work on your recovery. I love Chiang Mai, by the way. |
I strongly suggest you quickly begin doing the Steps. That's when I shifted from shakey sobriety into solid recovery....:yup: Blessings to you and your family Welcome to our recovery community.....:wavey: |
Originally Posted by Womble
(Post 2557447)
Thnx for the supportive messages. I have come to a very enlightened conclusion regarding my drinking after a long coversation with my eldest son today. I think I am fortunate that I had that relapse. The last month I have been really struggling not to pick up, by giving in, just for 4 days has taught me that I AM powerless over alcohol. I only thought I would drink one night, but once I started I could not stop, the last night I drank (Tuesday) I was already in pain (as I suffer from a disease called Ulcerative Colitis).....but I cold not help myself but to pick up, and drink till the pain subsided. The following morning when I found this forum, I was still in denial, but something happened. I realised that I was going to kill myself if I carried on, so I got on my knees, prayed, then balled my eyes out. (sad isn't it?) I then understood with claity ...what sane person would do what I had done,? It's like banging your head against a brick wall thinking it won't hurt you, thats insanity!! Suddenly I feel free....I know and have heard enough about the aa programme in the 12 years I have been in and out of it to realise that what so many people have told me can come true, I have been in denial of the possibility of a higher power....now it appears that hp has rewarded me for my efforts, even though it came about in a strange way. I have always done service, helped others, done whats suggested...but just never "Got It" ....but I think that now I have, and now maybe I can move on with my life without being in constant fear of the monster lurking within, I feel liberated......and much of that came from coming here yeterday morning, why ? I have no idea, and it does not really matter.....God moves in mysterious ways indeed.! Thank you for being here for me, I will always be here for u guys too I wish you all peace and serenity Womble NB :ring |
Blown it!!! I thought I had it and I've lost it, for some reason last night I decided that a few beers would be a great idea on a hot evening. I really don't know why I did it, I had been to the morning aa meeting, spoke to aa's on the phone..what on earth am I doing wrong? It's really messing up my head, I am so so miserable I really don't know what to do...I have to go to a meeting I used to chair this morning to return the 7th tradition money, but I don't know if I can stand to be at the meeting, I had a relape last saturday and did not go to chair the meeting on Suday morning....I feel embarressed to be there, I have let them all down, I can't even be a reliable alcoholic...what to do????? Now I have lost the 3 days I had and that makes me feel even more stupid...I was not even out in a drinking situation argghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! |
Womble, it takes a lot to change a life. Took me years and many many tries. This addiction really is relentless - we can't afford to entertain it even a little bit...and we can't wallow in our failures either....I think it's very important you go to your meeting. Take the lessons from this - learn them - and move on, W. D |
Originally Posted by Womble
(Post 2559975)
I feel embarressed to be there, I have let them all down, I can't even be a reliable alcoholic...what to do????? Now I have lost the 3 days I had and that makes me feel even more stupid...I was not even out in a drinking situation argghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! You have not let anyone down. You are an alcoholic. Can you relate to this? The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into consciousness with sufficient force of memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink. Page 24 The only way I have been able to stay sober is by working the 12 Step program of AA because the 12 steps takes me from will power to a Higher Power. You already have indictated that you have come to believe in your Higher Power. If you work the steps you will come to actually know your Higher Power. You really will have a life that you cannot even imagine now beyond your dreams. The problem of alcohol will be removed. Please go back to those meetings, you will be welcome there. Everyone understands why you have been drinking. It would benefit you to find a sponsor, someone who has had a spirtual awakening, as a result of working the 12 steps. Why don't you ask them to show you how to do it. Keep posting. |
Womble, There is no need to be put off by the "spiritual" aspects of the AA program. The spiritual awakening mentioned in the 12th step is a "personality change sufficient to recover from alcoholism". It is also called "an entire psychic change". Read the appendix on spiritual awakening in the back of the AA Big Book. A power greater than yourself can be the group of AA itself -- it did for me. I interpreted GOD as "good orderly direction" and "group of drunks". I used the qualities of the AA group itself (i.e., its strength, its wisdom, its compassion, etc.) to define my ideal of "God". This was not a religious "God" in any sense of the term. I am not an atheist, and I think most people could relate to these "spiritual" concepts that are defined in non-religious terms. Do you have a sponsor? Do you have a Big Book of AA? I would strongly recommend both of these as a starting point. SusanLauren |
Hi Susan, I do have a sponser but he is in his 2nd week of a 4 week holiday. He is very good ,but in the 12 months I have been in and out of the programme (out for 24 days) he has not taken me forward with the steps as he says I am not ready. I have to trust him, but even though I did not have a drink last night or tonight and have been to meetings both days I still think about drinking, even though my stomach is seriously playing up. I was welcomed back yesterday at the meeting I used to chair and I brought one lady to tears with mys story of relape as it coul be HER story , she could relate so much, but it was tougher at another meeting this morning where they are mostly hardened old timers who don't really realte, or can't remember what relapses are like, they see so many come and go and I don't think they ever expected me to stay anyway to be honest, quite surpised I got this far...but of course I could be wrong, I normally am. Thanx to everyone who has posted |
I went to my first AA meeting when I was 14. I was in and out (mostly out) of AA for nearly 20 years--by means of the court, threat of divorce and institutionalization, taking my child, etc. When I finally surrendered, admitted complete defeat, and accepted that I was powerless, I had picked up 4-5 white chips in less than a year. I always thought I was powerless, but somehow I'd convinced myself not drinking was a choice. My relapses over that year beat me into a state of reasonableness. I truly conceded to my innermost self. That's just what it took. 4 of those 5 white chips I picked up at unfamiliar meetings so that no one in my area would know the truth. I couldn't get honest about where I was really at. I was still playing the actor. But the last one I picked up where people knew me. It was humbling. For the first time in many years I felt like I was being really honest and sincere. It had nothing to do with what I said, it was my action that felt honest. I wanted everyone to know right where I was, for no other reason then I knew it and had to admit it, and it was one of the only right things I did for several weeks, but I believe it was very important. In short, sounds like you are doing the next right thing. |
I went to a meeting this morning, but feel worse that I did B4 I went. I don't understand whats going on in my head. My stomach is crying"please don't hurt me" and my head is saying Have a drink...hurt it" I have rang my Doc , just have to wait 2 hours to see her, maybe I need some strong meds to get through this crisis |
Hang in there. This is hard. We know. Yes, please talk with your Doctor and be completely honest with them. |
Originally Posted by Womble
(Post 2562007)
I went to a meeting this morning, but feel worse that I did B4 I went. I don't understand whats going on in my head. My stomach is crying"please don't hurt me" and my head is saying Have a drink...hurt it" I have rang my Doc , just have to wait 2 hours to see her, maybe I need some strong meds to get through this crisis |
Went to see my Doctor, told her about my situation , she gave me some pills to calm me down and help me sleep and I have an appointment to see the "Head Doctor" in two weeks, I don't know if I will last two weeks. Trouble is I have decided I cannot do aa anymore. I just cannot belive in HP , don't ask me why, I have been trying to get my head round it for a year, but I just don't geddit. I'm not young, I'm 55, I retired at 49 after selling a very profiatble business that I started, in all other things I am competant.....except I can't seem to drink competantly. Plus we don't have many meetings like you guys in the States do, 20 a week with out max 50 members, I have issues with many of them as I feel they are judging me...."serves him right-all that money and he can't stay sober,,ha ha", this is definatley the feeling I get here, nearly everyone rides motorbikes as they cant afford cars, I turn up in a new BMW 325i (which are rare here 'cause import tax doubles the price)..they just don't geddit that I am a "High Bottom Drunk" I don't wanna come over as big headed guys, its just the truth, I have thought seriously about selling it just so I can seem to fit in more, but my sponser says I should not worry about it, and its their problem-not mine,It's not my fault I never lost everything is it? but I feel unwanted at the main morning meeting, and thats when I needed to go, but I don't see why my nickname should be Mr.BMW" So I am just gonna have to see how the meds work 4 now. My Doc has also told me not to worry to much if I have a drink before I see the shrink, I'll see how that pans out, I'd love a drink, but I don't want the pain. Sorry if this rambling is incomprensible, TBH I really don't know what I am writing, its all just kinda spilling out |
Hi Womble - My thought is that you aren't quite ready. Alcoholism doesn't care if we are rich or poor, old or young; we all have the same problem. AA isn't the only solution, and I am sorry that it doesn't seem to be working for you, but I would just ask that you work to find some other program of recovery that will work for you. Since this is a progressive disease, we all know what will happen to a "successful" alcoholic over time. It just doesn't get better. So, I hope you reach your point of desparation while you still have a lot of your successes. Just focus on yourself and not others. When I read your post, I see explanations for why things won't work, rather than being open minded to various possibilities that may work. I don't mean to be hard on you, I just have worked with enough alcoholics now to know that what you are doing and feeling is totally normal. You just have to work through this period and then you can have the willingness and open-mindedness to try anything. See who is successful on SR -- ask them what they did. And then, stop trying to control it yourself. This is not something that we can do alone. Hang in there. |
I have decided to give aa another shot. I don't really like drinking anymore, and I am not growing spiritually while I am "out" just thinking about the next drink , no time for others, just me, me me.....I don't like it. But what I really miss is The Fellowship in aa. I had made so many freinds and I was gonna blow them all away, luckily I did not, I had absolutley nothing to do, I was really bored, I did not go out my house for 8 days...how fuked up is that. So I went back this morning armed with many new facts about myself..maybe THIS time I will suceed |
I'm glad you're back Womble :) Good luck with your new plan - sounds good to me! D |
Glad to see you're on the road to recovery Womble! Please keep us posted! Love, Lenina |
8 days sober |
8 days is a great start Womble! well done! :scoregood :) |
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