Un-gay?
 

I've chosen to start this thread here, instead of the GLBT forum, because I'd like to get unrestricted feedback.

I spoke to my family today. I told them about my homosexuality ten years ago, but it's an ongoing thing. Apparently it's an issue that runs deep and to be approached with care whenever a conversation lags but, for some reason, they all zeroed in on it today. And I let my sobriety go :(

My mother told me that she longs for whatever grandchildren I may produce, and that she still cries over that "impossible dream" most nights.

In no uncertain terms, my father reminded me that our last name will disappear when I die - thanks, Dad!

My sis let me know about her "unconditional support, but wouldn't it be great if my children had cousins."

And so on. Well... it fuccking hurts! Trying so hard to be myself, and letting down my loved ones in the process.

The booze thing... I used to be addicted to it, but not anymore, yet I still turned to it in the hopes for comfort that it won't provide.

I know this reads like one long rationalization. I'm not blaming anyone. Not myself, not my family.. H.ell, I understand where they are coming from! But I can't help being myself - and, quite humbly, I like who I am. Gay and all.

I just needed to vent. Feeling so sad, misunderstood and helpless.

Gay peoples have kids all the time.

I'm sorry, Matt.

You didn't let anyone down, any more than I let my parents/family down by having CP.
They may feel let down....but it's not our fault, or our place to fix that.

We just have to learn to live with it - easier said than done.

I don't have to tell you how much p*****g in the wind the drinking thing was, either.
I'm sorry they got to you so badly, and I'm sorry you let yourself be let. Sometimes excuses sound pretty damn good, I know....but you're right - it's always an empty promise of healing and respite.

This wasn't your screw up to 'fix', Matt - and maybe, if anything good can come of this, you'll take that to heart this time.

hugs
D

So true, Windy. Thanks :) Maybe... my rant is about the frustration I feel when I automatically try to live up to what others expect from me. Typically, lol, I never once paused to think about what I truly want for myself.
Thank you.

It's about their wish for children Matt and has nothing to do with you. You don't own their bad behaviour.

I am heterosexual and God chose not to bless me with children (my son is our foster son). That doesn't make me, my choices or my heterosexuality an issue for anyone to discuss and shame on them if they do.

Nope, this isn't about you, Matt, unless you choose to make it so.

Hugs

Thanks, D. :) I'm trying to get some bearings, I guess. For the first time in my life, I'm willing to do what is right for me. Or what feels right, anyway. And to he.ll with what other people think. It hurts, though. You know firsthand that it's hard to say that, and to accept it. Maybe that's one of the meanings of recovery...

My addiction is more artificial than their dreams; but, like my orientation and your condition, it is still more real. This was a wake up call.

:hug:

Ann, I'll take your advice, and stop making this about me :) Mostly because it's not. I have enough on my plate as it is.

Thank you for an invaluable lesson.

(((Matt))) It hurts when loved one's let us down by not seeing us as people but as a vessel to fulfil their wants and expectations...the things they said were supremely selfish. If other people say things like that you can laugh it off or tell them to eff off, but when people you love do it...it just hurts and you feel betrayed.
People can be pretty crappy sometimes.

Thanks, Stoney. I don't feel betrayed, they finally told me how they really feel. If anything, this was the last straw. No one will ever take away the genuine kindness I feel for people, but not at the expense of being myself. They.. can take it or leave it :(

:hug:

It is sad to have to distance yourself from your family, I had to do it with my dad. Sometimes it is the best thing to do. :hug:

Matt do you want children?

If you don't it would still be the same crap from your parents whether you are gay or straight!

I have 6 kids & 8 grandkids, I love them all and do you know what I want for them? I want for them to be happy!

If they are happy with or without kids, I am happy!

I have no right to expect a darn thing out of any of my children.

Next time your parents start talking in a manner that is hurtful either about you being gay, or the family name not being carried on or the like calmly ask them what is really important to them, you being happy or them being happy? Ask your mom what makes her happier, you being happy, or laying a guilt trip on you?

It may not be a bad idea to see if you all could get together for family group therapy.

Matt it is sad to say, but many parents lay guilt trips on thier kids for all kinds of things.

Well, I really did it this time. My anger took over quite suddenly. I phoned both my parents, and left a -drunken- message in their cell phones: "Don't blame me..." (harsher) etc

I'm not proud, and I'll probably regret it.

But I'm not ashamed, either.

Fair enough, Matt. Now if I could advise getting some rest and sobering up. :hug:

Matt :hug:

Right Matt,

If you are drinking it will amplify everything out of proportion. Taking care of yourself should be a priority first and if you are still drinking I would work on the alcohol first.

You mentioned that you are happy with yourself just as you are. That is a wonderful thing, now if you can just hold that thought.

Hope you are feeling better soon Matt!

Taz, despite my family's expectations, having kids has never been a goal for me - heck, it's never been a viable option. I came out of the closet a decade ago, I wish that they had accepted it by now.

Speaking of wishes, I wish they felt the same way as you do. Mostly, though, I wish I hadn't thrown away my sobriety (aka mental health) because of episode.

Lesson learned.

Matt, I don't have children by choice and I've had to defend that decision all my life. I'm a partial vegetarian, and that has been a reason for people to say some really silly things to me. My mom thinks that people who don't drink alcohol are dull and no fun! Anything that sets people apart from the "perceived norm" is reason enough for some to offer resistance to that choice. I'm sorry your family got to you!

I have to remind myself that just as I'm learning to speak my truth in recovery, others are in their right to speak theirs, even if I don't like what they have to say. I hope you find your serenity soon! ((hugs!))

Oh Matt, I am so, so sorry that you had to go through that.

As others have said, this is about your parents, not you. Their wishes are not something they should put on you. If they can't accept you as you are, then I think it's time to distance yourself, at least for awhile.

Try to keep your relapse in perspective. Yes, it happened and you can learn from it. But, it doesn't have to keep you down. You have a lot of good sobriety, Matt.

Stoney, Dime, Speedy :) You're so right. No excuses for throwing out my recovery. I've found more sensitive spots, to say the least, so that's something. Your support means a lot to me... Thank you.

Oh, Matt. As if being gay is something to be turned on and off, something you can "get over" somehow, just to please people. Families, the ones we're supposed to be able to count on, can hurt us like no one else. My mother's done a real number on me. So much for unconditional love.

I have gay friends with two children (the family name will not die, therefore -heaven forbid). They're the least dysfunctional family I know, a joy to have in my life.

Your parents shouldn't be surprised at the drunken cell phone message. They pushed you to that point. Maybe this incident will actually help - after the smoke clears that is.