Un-gay?
 

I've chosen to start this thread here, instead of the GLBT forum, because I'd like to get unrestricted feedback.

I spoke to my family today. I told them about my homosexuality ten years ago, but it's an ongoing thing. Apparently it's an issue that runs deep and to be approached with care whenever a conversation lags but, for some reason, they all zeroed in on it today. And I let my sobriety go :(

My mother told me that she longs for whatever grandchildren I may produce, and that she still cries over that "impossible dream" most nights.

In no uncertain terms, my father reminded me that our last name will disappear when I die - thanks, Dad!

My sis let me know about her "unconditional support, but wouldn't it be great if my children had cousins."

And so on. Well... it fuccking hurts! Trying so hard to be myself, and letting down my loved ones in the process.

The booze thing... I used to be addicted to it, but not anymore, yet I still turned to it in the hopes for comfort that it won't provide.

I know this reads like one long rationalization. I'm not blaming anyone. Not myself, not my family.. H.ell, I understand where they are coming from! But I can't help being myself - and, quite humbly, I like who I am. Gay and all.

I just needed to vent. Feeling so sad, misunderstood and helpless.

Gay peoples have kids all the time.

I'm sorry, Matt.

You didn't let anyone down, any more than I let my parents/family down by having CP.
They may feel let down....but it's not our fault, or our place to fix that.

We just have to learn to live with it - easier said than done.

I don't have to tell you how much p*****g in the wind the drinking thing was, either.
I'm sorry they got to you so badly, and I'm sorry you let yourself be let. Sometimes excuses sound pretty damn good, I know....but you're right - it's always an empty promise of healing and respite.

This wasn't your screw up to 'fix', Matt - and maybe, if anything good can come of this, you'll take that to heart this time.

hugs
D

So true, Windy. Thanks :) Maybe... my rant is about the frustration I feel when I automatically try to live up to what others expect from me. Typically, lol, I never once paused to think about what I truly want for myself.
Thank you.

It's about their wish for children Matt and has nothing to do with you. You don't own their bad behaviour.

I am heterosexual and God chose not to bless me with children (my son is our foster son). That doesn't make me, my choices or my heterosexuality an issue for anyone to discuss and shame on them if they do.

Nope, this isn't about you, Matt, unless you choose to make it so.

Hugs

Thanks, D. :) I'm trying to get some bearings, I guess. For the first time in my life, I'm willing to do what is right for me. Or what feels right, anyway. And to he.ll with what other people think. It hurts, though. You know firsthand that it's hard to say that, and to accept it. Maybe that's one of the meanings of recovery...

My addiction is more artificial than their dreams; but, like my orientation and your condition, it is still more real. This was a wake up call.

:hug:

Ann, I'll take your advice, and stop making this about me :) Mostly because it's not. I have enough on my plate as it is.

Thank you for an invaluable lesson.

(((Matt))) It hurts when loved one's let us down by not seeing us as people but as a vessel to fulfil their wants and expectations...the things they said were supremely selfish. If other people say things like that you can laugh it off or tell them to eff off, but when people you love do it...it just hurts and you feel betrayed.
People can be pretty crappy sometimes.

Thanks, Stoney. I don't feel betrayed, they finally told me how they really feel. If anything, this was the last straw. No one will ever take away the genuine kindness I feel for people, but not at the expense of being myself. They.. can take it or leave it :(

:hug:

It is sad to have to distance yourself from your family, I had to do it with my dad. Sometimes it is the best thing to do. :hug:

Matt do you want children?

If you don't it would still be the same crap from your parents whether you are gay or straight!

I have 6 kids & 8 grandkids, I love them all and do you know what I want for them? I want for them to be happy!

If they are happy with or without kids, I am happy!

I have no right to expect a darn thing out of any of my children.

Next time your parents start talking in a manner that is hurtful either about you being gay, or the family name not being carried on or the like calmly ask them what is really important to them, you being happy or them being happy? Ask your mom what makes her happier, you being happy, or laying a guilt trip on you?

It may not be a bad idea to see if you all could get together for family group therapy.

Matt it is sad to say, but many parents lay guilt trips on thier kids for all kinds of things.

Well, I really did it this time. My anger took over quite suddenly. I phoned both my parents, and left a -drunken- message in their cell phones: "Don't blame me..." (harsher) etc

I'm not proud, and I'll probably regret it.

But I'm not ashamed, either.

Fair enough, Matt. Now if I could advise getting some rest and sobering up. :hug:

Matt :hug:

Right Matt,

If you are drinking it will amplify everything out of proportion. Taking care of yourself should be a priority first and if you are still drinking I would work on the alcohol first.

You mentioned that you are happy with yourself just as you are. That is a wonderful thing, now if you can just hold that thought.

Hope you are feeling better soon Matt!

Taz, despite my family's expectations, having kids has never been a goal for me - heck, it's never been a viable option. I came out of the closet a decade ago, I wish that they had accepted it by now.

Speaking of wishes, I wish they felt the same way as you do. Mostly, though, I wish I hadn't thrown away my sobriety (aka mental health) because of episode.

Lesson learned.

Matt, I don't have children by choice and I've had to defend that decision all my life. I'm a partial vegetarian, and that has been a reason for people to say some really silly things to me. My mom thinks that people who don't drink alcohol are dull and no fun! Anything that sets people apart from the "perceived norm" is reason enough for some to offer resistance to that choice. I'm sorry your family got to you!

I have to remind myself that just as I'm learning to speak my truth in recovery, others are in their right to speak theirs, even if I don't like what they have to say. I hope you find your serenity soon! ((hugs!))

Oh Matt, I am so, so sorry that you had to go through that.

As others have said, this is about your parents, not you. Their wishes are not something they should put on you. If they can't accept you as you are, then I think it's time to distance yourself, at least for awhile.

Try to keep your relapse in perspective. Yes, it happened and you can learn from it. But, it doesn't have to keep you down. You have a lot of good sobriety, Matt.

Stoney, Dime, Speedy :) You're so right. No excuses for throwing out my recovery. I've found more sensitive spots, to say the least, so that's something. Your support means a lot to me... Thank you.

Oh, Matt. As if being gay is something to be turned on and off, something you can "get over" somehow, just to please people. Families, the ones we're supposed to be able to count on, can hurt us like no one else. My mother's done a real number on me. So much for unconditional love.

I have gay friends with two children (the family name will not die, therefore -heaven forbid). They're the least dysfunctional family I know, a joy to have in my life.

Your parents shouldn't be surprised at the drunken cell phone message. They pushed you to that point. Maybe this incident will actually help - after the smoke clears that is.

:hug:

Matt as suggested, the best thing to do is to sober up!!!! Then clean up Matt's side of the street.

Matt may I suggest you do some heavy duty work on learning to accept that you can not now, nor will you ever be able to control other people.

There is only one way that you can influence other peoples feelings about you and that is simple being the best damn sober Matt you can be! That does not mean that you should change to please others, what it means is that you need to work on being the Matt you have always wanted to be, if you are gay then be the best darn Gay Matt you can be.

Hey Matt,
I am sorry to hear what happened, its sad when parents put pressure on kids to achieve there own desires, I have to constantly remind myself that with my own kids.
Anyway Mate, time to sober up, and try and live life on your terms not your families. You can do it.
Good luck, my prayers are with you.

This amused me! LOL

It sounds like a cartoon character or something.

Unfortunately your family is only thinking of themselves, they want grandchildren... they want cousins for their kids... the family name... and so on...

Hopefully, they will get to the point where all they want... is for you to be happy.

Quit beating yourself up after the "beatings" you receive from them... Pursue your dreams, no one else will do that for you. If one lives one's own life seeking the approval of others, then one is not going to have one's own approval.

Quit drinking, you lose perspective when you do... Your spiritual fitness cannot depend on other people's spiritual fitness, no matter who they are, lest your spirit come down like a house of cards... which seemingly, for you, it has, temporarily.

Time to rebuild, this time with a strong foundation.

Mark

Hi Matty.

I love all my familiy members but with some it is harder then others. I know you love them despite when there desires are in conlict with yours. You know all about expectations Matty, so remember this. There expectations are not your problem. No one owns the copyrights to "Right" or "Wrong", Good or Bad etc. That stuff is often society's illusion Matty. It's the very thing that conflicts with the spriritual freedom your seeking. Detach with love Matty. No need to fix anything. Allowing yourself to be who you are is the foundation of opening up to spiritual growth.
Just Do It.

Love ya bro.

:a043: hello matty.first of all get away from the booze! all this will seem so much easier sober.what did you learn in your sobriety?? im sure the one about not being able to change people,places,things?? its unfortunate that your family have said these things to you,not for you if you believe in yourself but for them.i often think how much nicer things would be if folk took care of their own back yards before intefearing with others,,but they dont so hey ho! you take care of you matty.if they still want to say stuff like this to you then quite simply tell them it is not acceptable.you dont get into their business etc etc.in our sobriety we learn to put others first.unfortunatly other folk dont do this.i do hope you step away from the booze matty,i dont have to tell you how much it will exacerbate things! take care and keep us posted.:ring

I'm sorry your family is harassing you with their expectations of you. It's their problem, not yours, so try your best to let it go. I love my friends for who they are, not for their fulfilling my expectations of them. To expect people to live up to my expectations of them is very selfish on my part.

I love ya Matt! Get back up and start over. Don't let this become an issue to you.

I have many gay friends. I suspect that a member of my family maybe gay but he has never "come out" so I am not sure. I don't think it is my place to ask him either. He is one of my first cousins.

I know several people who are gay that have found gay opposite sexed friends and have planned children together. Some of them got married. These relationships seem to work very well.

Something I have observed over the years with many of my gay friends is that some of them are very fickle and they get hurt a lot. I think this can add to any confusion they may have concerning themselves and their lives. I hear them complain about not being able to marry. I know many unhappy gay people who wish they were "normal". I am not judging here this is just what I have been told.

I also know some very sensible same sexed gay couples who have taken matters into their own hands and for go the hassel of worrying about marriage and take it upon themselves to protect their partner with life insurance policies, names added to the will and having joint ownership of property.

I think all you can do is be yourself. Do you want children? Is this why it bothers you so much what your family thinks or, do you want to be normal?

Please stay safe Matty.....

I'm just sad that you felt you had to get drunk to be able to talk about this with your parents...state your feelings and stuff.

I think learning how to do that stuff sober is key to staying sober for me.

Love you and worried about you (right or wrong...i do worry ok)

:ghug