I quit going to meetings because people were doing dope and selling dope after meetings. I don't need to be around feral people. I've been on my own for about 4 years now. Well, I come here to SR daily.

Here's a quote for ya....

"The roads to recovery are many" - Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous


Keep coming back, or whatever.

Katie—

Whoa, this is quite the thread. I actually really disagree with saying that there is a zealous AA tone in some of the posters here. I don't read that at all. I don't go to AA, never have, but I just think that people are expressing their concern of taking one person's actions to represent a whole which is dangerous to do no matter what group or entity is concerned. I mean all of us here are in recovery but look at our different paths and different voices. However, if you feel that for some reason there are a higher number of creeps in AA than the general population then stay away. More importantly if you feel that AA is more of a hindrance in your recovery than help then definitely stay away and find something else.

However, I feel that all the drama around AA talked about on this thread is so not the issue. You can sit here and blame external things, like AA, 13-steppers, whatever they are called, creepy dudes (god knows I have issues with predatory men), or what I think would be more beneficial to your recovery is you can ask yourself honestly and frankly "what happened here?" I see it as an issue of boundaries and this is something that you have control over although you might not realize it fully yet. I know right now in my recovery, boundaries are a major issue and being able to set them.

So you can sit here and focusing your energies outwards place a whole lot of blame and resentment on the guy and AA and the zealots that you are seeing in this forum or you can ask yourself what can I do next time to protect myself and take care of myself in this type of situation. What happens when a guy that is not in AA shows up for a date after you told him you are in recovery with wine? How about telling him you think that it is not going to work and closing the door on him? Choosing to be sober is not only choosing not to use your substance but it is also choosing to figure out ways to take care of yourself. Unfortunately it seems that you may have lapsed into your old patterns here. But that is okay because you can learn from it— that is what recovery is all about!

My first meeting was 21 years ago. Over the years, I was in and out several times. Not 32, I know, but it's been awhile. My first meeting of my current (and hopefully last) period of sobriety was November 2, 2002 when I had a few days sober.

I've read down through this thread, and I can see some defensiveness, both on your part, Katie, and on the part of folks who are trying to emphasize one fact you mentioned, but don't seem willing again to acknowledge: that you didn't meet him in AA and you didn't know he was in AA until he told you he was on the telephone.

I understand the urge to point out that this guy wasn't someone you met in the rooms and that you only have his word to go on. If he does go to meetings, well, I've known quite a few people who've been 'in' AA for years but have not gotten sober for any considerable length of time (we refer to it as being 'around'). Hopefully, someday, they'll drop the rock and decide to get sober. Until then, at least in my home group, we women discourage newcomer women from being drawn in by these guys (there are women who fit the profile, too--and the men take care of that) and the other ones, too--the ones who've put together some abstinent days but still haven't got their morality caps on straight when it comes to the tenuousness of a early sobriety. We look out for our own, in other words, though there's no way we can force a woman to take the suggestions we have to offer. That's ultimately up to her.

The question you seem to be evading, no matter how many times it's been asked, is where you met this guy if not in the rooms. Because you haven't answered it, I can only guess that it's some place (maybe online?) that embarrasses you or that you think we'd judge as risky. That's okay, too--you're a big girl.

Regardless of where you met the guy, the concern in this thread seems to be that you're blaming all of AA for this one guy who says he's a member. I don't mean to belabor the point, but even if he does go to meetings, the one requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking, and this guy's desires seem more directed towards getting you drunk.

If this date was the result of a risky hook-up, perhaps you might be wise to take the many suggestions in these three pages to stick with the support and company of women and focus on your sobriety for awhile.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

I apologize if my response came off as zealous or attacking, that was not the intent.

Again - if I was to get well, if I am to stay well and grow recovered from alcoholism...I had to stop blaming other people. It was that simple.

The statement about the situation being contrived came off completely wrong and I apologize. It took away from what I was trying to express.

Oh my God, I read this, and then I read this. Whatever is all I can say.

Oh, thanks, but I am used to it. I've been dealing with it for YEARS. This is why I don't go to AA. Just let the judgmental stuff blow past you, and it will be ok. :)

You made a mistake trusting this bloke. And you're moving on. I hope SMART has what you are looking for.

An "active AAer" bringing you wine? I smell a rat.

Goodness knows I'm not a fan of my local AA, and I have met some skeezeballs there. But no matter how much I tried to blame my drinking on everyone and everything but me, I drank.

Wow i am really looking forward to my first AA meeting on Friday wine, crack, dope with some really dirty female 13th steppers there too, chanting 'newcomer, newcomer' in low husky voices!!!

Seriously i know i am being infantile but if something like that does happen to me on Friday i will be on day one again Saturday whoop whoop:lmao

Fubar, I respect you..I hope you know that but I gotta say that it now seems like this thread has become less about her seeking support and more about her trying to justify her actions and putting the blame on other people and things. I agree with the other post about closing this thread. The drama on this forum lately is taking away from the real purpose behind it. To be quite frank it makes me not want to come here anymore...

Count me in. I'm sorry if I've said anything to upset you. I just hope you stay safe and continue to work on recovery. :hug:

Hi Katie,

I've seen a lot of shrinks over the years and been on a lot of meds. I've been diagnosed clinically depressed with schizoid tendencies and borderline personality disorder. I've visited sexual assault centres in order to move past numerous sexual assaults that occurred while I was under the influence. I've tried homeopathic remedies, vitamins, exercise, going on a diet, not going on a diet etc all in an attempt to get past feelinglike I was crazy. Nothing worked - at least, not for long. I was never able to commit to any one thing - I wanted results! Fast results!

One night I got drunk with a guy I work with. He's a cop and was on-duty at time. He was a good friend, but he was also married. That night, I had sex with him, and I was deeply ashamed of myself. We were nearly caught by a senior officer. I probably would have lost my job. As it was, I drove home 30 miles while intoxicated.

Two days later, I was at work, still deeply hungover, and filled with shame over what I had done. I found myself picking up the phone and calling AA. I still don't know why - it had never occurred to me that meetings existed outside of movies or books.

My first meeting was for women-only and it's my home group today. When I went to mixed meetings, some men would talk suggestively to me while looking me up and down, or would insist on giving me a hug. I knew nothing about boundaries and was terrified. Women were telling me to stay away from men, and the men wouldn't leave me alone.

Over the years, I relapsed twice with booze and once with pills. I went to rehab for pill addiction after being sober for two years. I was crazy with depression and suicidal. But -I eventually learned to recognize who was healthy, and began to seek out women friends. I did what was suggested, and I took on service positions. I began helping others. I was still a mess for quite a while - but I listened carefully when healthy women shared, and began to emulate what they were doing. Things began to change for me.

There were many times when I swore AA wasn't for me - for whatever reason (and I had plenty) - but the truth was, I saw women getting well, and I decided to give it a try - with all that I had.

I still take anti depressants but get depressed sometime. It doesn't matter, though. It always passes, and I have discovered the solution. I don't have random sex anymore, and I feel better about myself. I laugh every day - belly laughs!

I don't know why I felt compelled to share this - I guess I identified with your experience with this guy - nothing to do with AA - but just the whole insanity of drinking while with a complete stranger - and allowing yourself to become more and more vulnerable. I've been there so many times.

I'm not trying to convince you to go to AA, Katie, I just wanted to let you know that sometimes things change as we go through them, and the experience becomes something different from what it looked like in the beginning.

Oh well, yes, we all make mistakes. But you have to admit it and own it... completely!

If the guy worked for a bank, would you be disgusted with all banks?

If you go to church, half the members there are "Sunday Christians"... they swear, smoke, drink and sin all week long, then put their suits on and go to church.

I'm sure the same applies to AA. I don't go and didn't enjoy the one meeting I went to. However I know in my heart that not all AA's are like that, because I've seen testimonies on here. I think you have to find the right one. And even at the right one there will be bad people. You have to take responsibility for yourself.

My concerns are that you perhaps don't feel like you're worth very much. That you don't deserve a good partner.

The reason I think this is because a man who knew you were trying to quit drinking turned up at your doorstep with wine and you let him in! Did you really think at that point that this man is good future relationship material?

You knew the moment he arrived that what he had done was not a good thing, that's why you posted this thread with alarm bells about an AA member "doing this to you".

Then you managed to reason things out to a point where you could justify to yourself seeing him again. You decided to blame yourself and go out with him. But I'm sure if you think honestly enough, deep inside you, you know when you decided to take that second date you knew that what he did by bringing you wine was not good. Not that it absolves you, because it doesn't, but it doesn't make him a good partner choice either.

So again, I wonder to myself if you think you're not worthy of a decent partner.

You should hold out for a good guy. None at all is better than a prat who turns up to an alcoholic's house with a bottle of wine! He shouldn't have been invited in.

Rowan,

I sincerely want to thank you for sharing. I most definitely can relate to your story.. I have put myself in so many predicaments that I've later regretted because of alcohol. I hope to begin attending meetings (f2f AA meetings) so that I can meet women who are working a program today.

Thanks Katie for beginning this thread without you I wouldnt of read Rowan story of experience, strength and hope.

I wonder if some of us are reacting to this post so strongly because it reminds us of our own bag of issues?

It is hard to read about because when I read Katie's story, I feel vulnerable and taken advantage of. I'm reminded of all the times when I was mislead and I blamed myself for not understanding what a bad position I'd put myself in. I took decades to realize that being raped was not my fault. And I've had a horrible time trusting men of the ethnicity as the man who raped me.

I want Katie to step up to the plate and take on the task of recovery. And I remember when I was struggling so hard to do that.

There aren't that many threads that go for 4 pages. When they do, I think they tell us a lot more about ourselves than about the original poster.

Katie - I hope you can see this as a learning experience and that you can do the next right thing - whatever that is for you. I wish you recovery and happiness and stability.

- mle

Some posts that were flaming or harsh have been removed.

Please try to keep this thread on topic of Katie's issues.

OK keeping on topic; Katie I would suggest to lay low and find your self in your recovery before dating again. You will find the best person when you are not looking for them.

When you try to walk away from something like alcohol, soon as you think it is gone it will pop up in another form some where some how.
When I quit using 6 years ago it was knocking on my door for over a year before it disappeared.
I have been sober for 12 days and alcohol keeps trying to get back in. I had a customer today ask me to go to a poker party tonight and I declined, becaues alcohol will be there. Untill I find myself strong in recovery I will not go anywhere alcohol will be, that will be my only way out.

I'd say, he's been around the program not in it

Cause, he's still sick

Let's all chill please.....and check our SR Polcies
Rules and Regs Forum

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2059329

Then no one will be confused on posting guidelines.
Thank you...:)