New member new challenge
 

Hi all and thanks for having me.
After 32 years of marriage my wife has finally gave me the ultimatum to either quit drinking or get out. She is the most wonderful, patient, caring, tollerant, and kind person that I know but I have messed up so many times that enough is enough. She should have done this years ago because I need help and have wasted far too many years with my love for the bottle.
I am going to try this on my own as AA is not for me for several reasons. I have her support and hopefully the support of my grown children.
I found this site and any additional support I can get from others in my position will be much appreciated and as I am getting better I hope I can offer others support and hope and encouragement as we can all use someone even just a username to lean on.
This is day 2 for me and it took me this long to realize what a mess I am and what a mess I have caused.
Please wish my luck in my ordeal. After 40+years of almost constant drinking it will truly be the challenge of my lifetime and with my married life at stake it is something I must conquer.:a108:

Welcome, Fubar - it's great you found us. SR has pulled me up out of hell. I've found friends here who understand what I'm going through, like no one else in my life can.

My drinking history is similar to yours - most of us vets have the same sad story. At first it was fun, relaxing, an enhancement to our lives. Then we became dependent on it - nothing was enjoyable without it - we became slaves to it. At the end of my drinking career I'd racked up 3 DUI's, health problems, destroyed family ties, financial ruin, baffled friends & co-workers - the list goes on. I quit because I decided I didn't want to die a painful, lonely death - I felt it was coming to that. I was also tired of only living half a life, not seeing or feeling anything.

If you're at Day 2 you're probably shaky and miserable, but those feelings won't last. You can rise above this and never go back into hell again. I'm doing it, and I never dreamed I could. Be kind and patient with yourself - your body will have quite an adjustment to make after all those years. When the smoke cleared for me, I felt like an alien. I almost literally had to learn to live again - but it is so worth it. I can feel joy and hope again, emotions I thought were lost forever. Congratulations on your decision to have a new life.

Thanks Hevyn. I appreciate you responding to my post. I probably won't have many physical symptons. I was the type that didn't drink every day but when I did drink, maybe 3-4 times a week I would get totalled and stay out at the bars and be mean to my family. I also had a DUI and lost a good job over it but still didn't have the guts to quit but now I am hoping that I do. My marriage is in the balance and I am really afraid I may fail yet really hopeful that I can succeed.Any support that I get from the good members of this forum will be much appreciated. I know it will be tough and encouragement from others that have been there will really help. Thanks again.

Welcome Fubar... there is a alot of support here and has given me hope that I can stay sober. I too am trying to do this on my own (without AA), and found another site that I just started to investigate called "smart recovery" and has some good information. :c009:

You sound like you want to give up drinking and you know its going to be tough. What is your plan of action? What are you going to do instead of drinking? What will you do when the cravings hit? Some things to maybe plan out now while you are strong. Welcome. :)

I plan on staying home and playing cards or games with my wife if she will play. I will also get back to the gym and start working out the days that I should. Bars are my problem so i will just avoid them. It is sad how we allow our bar buddies to become more important than our families. This is the biggest regret I have in my life and this time I want to overcome it so badly. Finding this place to come to is already like striking the mother lode for me. Thank you everyone.

Thank you Fubarcdn and its great you have a plan. The plan is, in my eyes, the biggest portion of getting and staying sober. Know you that you can do it and you will. Know it. We know you can!! :)

wish you the best getting sober too.

I've struggled with the "have to" get sober for nearly a decade. Now i "want to".

I hope you have both. Best position to be in for a quit.

I hate hearing about drinkers losing anything of value from their lives.

Hope you and your wife will be together for many many more years.

Sounds like you have alot to be grateful for.
SR is a wonderful place for support. There is endless wisdom here.
Glad you are here.

Welcome to sr.

Where there is a will....there is a way! Keep reading and posting....SR is the Best!

welcome Fu

happy to hear your going to clean up the act...

for me, it was put...

"alcoholism is 10% drink'n, and 90 % think'n"

hope you have the change of think'n also on your plan list...

good wishes Fu

rz

Welcome Fubar and glad you found us. I'm glad you've decided to get sober. It's a lot of hard work but well worth the effort. Just don't pick up that first drink!:ghug3

Thanks all.
Woke up at the start of day 3 really depressed and worried that my wife will leave anyways but I also have hope and am committed to quitting regardless. Had some bad dreams last night that she met someone else. I feel quit negative about myself so I am going to the gym to try to take my mind of these feelings and hope this afternoon I can feel a little better. You are all a great help

Worry about staying sober. She gave you the ultimatum... she didn't leave or kick you out, you are still living at home (?). Your not drinking.

It's been kind of tough going in my early sobriety with my wife of 24 years (together for 32...). Everything kind of gets turned upside down and sideways, or, as your name implies F.U.B.A.R.. :) It is getting better slowly, I seem to be the rate limiting step here, I am searching for my sober identity and trying to get back into a rhythm of life, she's not impatient, but anxious to see more progress. She's non-A.

Keep coming back and don't drink. Things will work. Serenity Prayer.

Mark

Congrats on Day 3! Keep coming to SR to read and post. I am 85 days sober today and I don't think I could have done it without the help of SR! We are here for you! :)

Welcome to SR and congrats

Well I told my grown kids today and asked their forgiveness and help. It went good and they said I was a good dad when they were growing up. I have many blessings and I don't know why I was such a pathetic drunk. I hope to do better and make my loved ones proud of me. Thanks again to all of you for all your support.:ghug3

Are you willing to go whatever lengths necessary to gain recovery?
Remember that sobriety alone is not recovery.

Have you considered checking into a rehab program?
your life, health, marriage are on the line.
Increase your odds for success.

Fubar,

40+ years of almost constant drinking.....

This may be really hard for you. I have been drinking for about 12 years, with the last 4 being the worst. I never drank in the morning and rarely drank before 5 p.m. I am now trying to quit and it is really, really hard because the cells in my brain scream for alcohol. I know in time that this will ease. Maybe you only had a couple of drinks a day, I don't know, but if it is causing problems between you and your wife, then it is a problem either way. You seem to have grasped this.

I would suggest that you research all you can about alcoholism and learn about it. Ask your wife to also read the information you find. She needs to understand as well as you why you need her to be even more patient than she has.

I know it seems extreme but maybe Spiritual Seeker has a point. You might want to consider being pinged with either in-patient or out-patient rehab.

Peace be with you.

Hi Fubarcdn,

Welcome! I commend you for recognizing you have a problem and reaching out for help. Although we have not been together as many years as the miss and you have, my husband and I are going through the same troubles. My husband has been an addicit for about 12 years. I love him dearly but we've reached a point where things have to change- I'm ready for change with or without him. I did not give my husband an ultimatium but explained to him that if he brings drugs into our home, he is jepordizing our relationship and the relationship with our children. Two months I found drugs in our house again so I had to leave. I can not take the risk of having something happen to my children or having them taken away from me. I still love my husband dearly and support him. I am glad that he recently started attending rehab. I believe there is always hope as long as you recognize you have a problem and are willing to reach out for help.

Good morning Neighbour! (I'm in Toronto as well).

If you're interested in treatment options other than AA in the Toronto area, check out this link:

It's the Drug and Alcohol Registry of Treatment for Ontario:

The Drug and Alcohol Registry of Treatment

you can search by location (Toronto):

Drug and Alcohol Registry of Treatment - Online Treatment Directory
or call the toll-free number 1-800-565-8603.

Maybe there's something that will work for you.

Try to stay warm, it's going to get cold over the next few days!

Thanks all for your recent comments and thanks for that link 223 I will check it out. I am non religious so something like AA would probably not work well for me. I would like to find something similar to AA with a step program that is non religious as described in the non secular section. Although exchanging thoughts here is healing being with similar people in person would probably help also. It has been an emotional 4 days and I wasn't one to feel emotions.

Fubar-

AA isn't religious... it's spiritual. Your higher power doesn't have to be a religious icon, just someone/something more powerful than yourself.

Regardless of the path you chose, I recommend, emphatically, that you give at least 2 or 3 different meetings a try before rejecting AA as an option. It works for so many and there are meetings all over the world. If you go and you can't get your head around it, you have only invested a few hours of your time...

Good Luck, We are pullin' for you

Mark

Fubar,

Don't take this necessarily as a recommendation but a friend of mine (also an alcoholic) went through the program at North York General, Branson Division and found it to be quite good and he's still sober.

DART - Online Treatment Directory - North York General Hospital - Assessment Program

It's not a step program though as I understand it. But it's non-spiritual. It's open to people with all addictions not just alcoholics.

It's headed up by an MD who specializes in addiction and conducts many of the sessions so participants get reliable medical advice/commentary. Other sessions are conducted by an RN and a Psychologist. I think it's 12 weeks long and there are four sessions per week. The group consists of about 10-14 people or so. After the program, there are ongoing sessions that "graduates" are welcome to attend. The hospital also offers a number of other programs not necessarily on addiction but "psychiatric" related as well.

Just thought I'd pass that one along.

Thanks classical. That is what I am trying to do. Even though I am new at this I am trying to encourage others. Almost every post brings a tear to my eye. I have been more emotional in the last 4 days than I have been in the last 20 years. Most of the emotions are bad but some are good. Either way it is much better than going back to feeling nothing at all.

To 223. Thanks for the link to the program at North York General. I am in North York so that would be quite handy. I am just going to hang here for a couple of weeks and figure out how to proceed from there.

fubarcdn

welcome to sr.

I'm encouraged to read about the changes and trials in your life. You are doing what you need to do and you can keep on doing it.

You are a wonderful person and any bad choices you've made or behavior you've acted are all in the past. You are a new person today, and right now.

I like the posting in this thread about doing some research. and it is possible that you could find a connection with AA and it could be worth your time to try 3 meetings. there are also many many other things out there available to you (ie...Yoga !! seriously it is really cool and doesn't have to be that physically challenging, the cool part is that you receive positive affirmation from everyone there)

You can choose to begin a new life. a life of being more of a giver than a taker. giving unconditional ATTENTION and love to your wife...even if you are a little irked by some little behavior she does once in a while that bugs you. i have been practicing that one myhself. I pick little ones...like her driving habits, or house cleaning habits, or toothpast maintenance behavior, and I let them go as being perfectly acceptable and loveable qualities in my girlfriend.

forl now you are on a quest to get sober....well now a quest to STAY sober. that is the hard part. staying sober. i've gotten sober hundreds of times.

I found an alternative version of the 12 steps that may get you mind thinking in a recovery direction. In order to keep changing, and stay sober, you may find that you will have to do some work in the beginning (right now) in order to follow through. this could involve some writing which you've already started doing on SR.

below is a different, NON religious version, of the 12 steps (keep up the good work):

These steps were written by the renowned psychologist B. F. Skinner as an alternative to the traditional 12-Steps for nonreligious newcomers. First published in "The Humanist" they state:

1. We accept the fact that all our efforts to stop drinking have failed.

2. We believe that we must turn elsewhere for help.

3. We turn to our fellow men and women, particularly those who have struggled with the same problem.

4. We have made a list of the situations in which we are most likely to drink.

5. We ask our friends to help us avoid those situations.

6. We are ready to accept the help they give us.

7. We honestly hope they will help.

8. We have made a list of the persons we have harmed and to whom we hope to make amends.

9. We shall do all we can to make amends, in any way that will not cause further harm.

10. We will continue to make such lists and revise them as needed.

11. We appreciate what our friends have done and are doing to help us.

12. We, in turn, are ready to help others who may come to us in the same way

I am reading a book called "7 tools to beat addiction", by Staton Peele that is for stubborn people like me who want to do it on their own without a program. I just started it, I'll let you know if it's any good=)

Sometimes, we quit drinking and if, we're blessed, God finds us.

You can do AA with or with out God that's up to you.

I'd like to add, my drinking played a part in my being divorced.

You read enough stories on here, you'll find people still get divorced even after not drinking. You have to stop drinking cause, you won't to stop, not because, of a threat by a spouse, boss or anyone else.

Your drinking habits are similiar to my old drinking behavior.

Wish you success in your quest