gave in
 

I gave up, after numerous freebie, craving-free weeks. This past week the cravings hit full force, though, and tonight I didn't resist at all.

Long story short: After I drank at the party, I sat down on a curve, and held my head in my hands. I saw this image of myself, asking me: "So it's just you and me now. Are you willing to do it?"

I'm used to effortlessness. Right now, I don't have a job, I'm barely keeping up with my long overdue classes, taking a colourful variety of meds that supposedly consolidate my mental health and sobriety, I'm hooked on cigarettes that fill a void, and basically take everything for granted, including my family and friends. When I decided to get sober for good 15 weeks ago, I had no cravings whatsoever, so I just coasted along with a relieved smile. That's the way things tend to be in my life: simply handed to me, implying no hard work whatsoever.

When I was a kid, my Grandmother used to say that I could charm the devil into doing whatever I pleased. That comment is obviously untrue, but it's not quite off the mark either. It set the stage for the way my life would be like, at least in appearance: seemingly sunny, filled with silver spoons, and requiring no effort. At all. So, yup, I'm just a Self-injuring martyr, now ignore those goddamn clouds... How's that for a martyr statement!

There is one thing - maybe the only thing - I'm proud of: I have tried my very best to never, ever, hurt anyone. Except for one notable exception, this is something I have excelled at. It's not that I try to be a "good person" or some other half assed notion along those lines. It's just the way I am. But:

I have hurt others unintentionally.

And I've also hurt myself.

What am I going to do differently this time around?

Well... ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

... there is a bigger picture, right? :(

You could always try an AA or NA meeting?
I don't know what I would have done without them.

It's called surrender
It's called bottom
It's called the beginning of recovery.

:hug: Matt

Well..I am a little surprised actually.
My heart sunk when I saw your name under this heading.
I am not one to be giving any kind of advice. Especially now.
All I can say is. We always have to try again.
I have lived my whole life on getting back up. I often wonder when that time will come where I dont have to brush myself off again.
That is all in our own hands as I see it.
Personally. I am tired of getting dirty.
I can no longer think of what who thinks or wants in MY life.
I have to be just as selfish with my recovery now as I was in addiction.
Its gotta be all about me even now.
Be good to yourself Matty.
All that beautiful wisdom you share with others that I have seen so many times.
Direct it toward you.
You are my closest friend here.
And I want you to have what you so much deserve.

Maybe you are, maybe you aren't, I don't know.

Me, I am a big baby, selfish, spoilt, lazy....I still blame bad things that happened to me as a kid for how I am.

What I am getting at is...these are the faults I have to work on when I am sober, recovery involves more than not drinking/using. It takes work. It means taking responsibility for myself, for my life, for me it means growing up....at last.

A bit like you said,
I am not saying you are full of faults like I am Matt, it is just that your post struck a chord with me and I am talking about myself, talking to myself even.

You know the score, see what you can learn from this relapse and NEVER give up. :hug:

matty:ghug3 my heart to dropped when i seen your name here. you worked so hard at this , you can dust your self off and start again , no one here thinks anyless of you , were human and make mistakes . Did you plan on attending this party for a pre-arranged reason ? you know its a slippery place to go , even for those with long term soberity something like that can be very dangerouse .

All that beautiful wisdom you share with others that I have seen so many times.
Direct it toward you. as Chi said ..... tho we can often give the most incredible advice and help so many along the way , but when it comes to taken this things we share we simply dont pay attention, I often replace my own self with another so i can take my own advise , sounds funkie i know , but i have to think of it as what would I tell so and so that could help them . Matty we love yah .. chin up start over , and learn from your mistakes , Those that know you , know your notta a fan off AA , but maybe its worth a sampling at again ? dont have to use everything they say ...just what works for you .... Big hugs from Endzy...:ghug3

Matt,

I`m glad you posted.

I think you`re absolutely right. You were lucky to not have any cravings during your sober time, but you know it takes more than coasting along. It takes work, daily, and making changes in your life.

You can do this! Learn from your experience and begin to move forward!

We all have the potential to harm others unintentionally whether or not we are sober, I dont think we have much say about this cause we never know the long term consequences of our actions. Its just part of life. We also have positive impacts on people without knowing it. Like when I was in high school I tutored elemetary school students one year. Like 10 years later this girl came up to me, I didnt recognize her, and said that I had been a real good influence on her when I was tutoring her all those years ago. It blew my mind at the time and I try to remember her when I am hating myself these days.

I am used to being handed everything also, I have never had to clean up my own messes and that is why trying to stay sober is so hard, no one can do it for me and I cant manipulate them into doing it for me. I am finding it very hard lately to deal with the consequences of my drinking, which continue to catch up with me, and I might be dealing with them in the wrong way, I dont know, I just deal with them as best I can.

Keep trying :) :You_Rock_

Ugh!
 

So I just got up for a toilet run... Too much information, I know, but there it is. Vomit, dizziness, thumping headaches, among other niceties. Honestly, at this point, I'd choose nonstop cravings for a lifetime over another minute of this hangover from hell - lesson learned! Hooray :grimace:

By the way, this is a little message for anybody that is craving a drink right now: you are out of your friggin mind!! Drink water or juice or whatever other alcohol-free drink that may float your boat instead, stay put, and be grateful for BIG favours. Believe you me, drinking it is simply NOT worth it.

Thanks for the answers.. I'll answer each one individually the very moment this state subsides and/or I stop whining. Whichever comes first.

hang in there

AA worked for me

feel free to PM me anytime or drag me into the chat room

Matt, your honesty has helped strengthen my resolve to stay sober. I see people get sober then go back out. Then get sober, then go back out. I do'nt need to find out for myself what I already know, and people like you, who slip and are honest about it, teach me so much. Thank you for helping me stay sober today!

:ghug3

((((Matty)))) I thought you might need a hug.

Hey Matt...

All any of us do have is this one day...a "daily reprieve".

You've got day 1 again...

All I have is this one day..24 hours to live, make choices..and choose

to "not" pick up. To not give up, give in, or quit.

You know, some folks don't like slogans..but I live by them.

They have popped into my consciousness when I was shaky..and

maybe saved me from a slip.

First things first (guard your sobriety..)

Don't drink or use (no matter what)

Just For Today

Honesty, Openness, and Willingness

and..

Hang out with the Winners.

It is a selfish program, hun...I would sure like to see you get into

a program. But that is up to you.


Love, and hugs

((((Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttyyyyyyyyy))))

:hitwithro

Thanks Dean...a dirty job but somebody had to do it!

Matt, come on dude... someone's getting metta sent to them again soon :P

mat...thanks for posting after your drank...thanks for coming back....and thanks for starting back at it as soon as you are ready....which i think will be real soon...you have some friends here in SR

Leave it to Dean..LOL..
Big Hugs Matty..
Get rested..cause your gonna get it. j/k.
Take it easy and rest for now.
And watch out for flying objects.

Hang in there Matt! I am also struggling! I was doing so great I was almost arrogant about how easy it was...then I had one glass of wine and it was all over....but I am working on it!

We all need some metta in our lives. :Meditate:

Me too Matt. I had about 80 days or more and it got so easy and then I blew it for a couple weeks. Day 4 without the booze. We'll have to work harder from now on. This is how we learn unfortunately.

Matty I hope you check in soon....and that you join us for cht tonight.

just needed to say that there are people here that care and are hoping that you are doing well!

Oh well... Thanks for the support and kindness :) Last night I wrote a thread asking for help because I knew what I'd set myself up for ... but I closed my browser window instead of posting, and let myself down in the process. Extremely stupid of me, to say the least - especially considering that we all encourage each other to reach out. But I figure I might as well be 100% honest.

What next? Well, I keep going. I've learned many lessons in the past 24 hours. I have also realized that my "romance" with alcohol is officially over :GrossL: That stuff brings nothing but trouble, I really do hate the way it tastes and, more importantly, it plain sucks. It's simply not worth the obsession anymore.

:hug: everyone, thanks so much.

Glad you made it back Matty.

You are doing what I have been doing for two years. I had bad days, then turned a new leaf. You feel good one day, and think you have moderation under control, so you have a few, and a few more. The cycle repeats itself over and over. The only difference between you and me is that I never looked for help, until I knew for a fact that I would never even have even 1 drink. You know the story about crying wolf. Well the villagers represent my wife. I must have promised her a thousand times it was over, only to have a slip turn into a skydive. I think you need professional help honestly. I don't get the vibe that you are Ok doing this on your own to tell the truth.

Welcome back Matt, and thanks for reminding us of how easy it can happen-
best wishes mate.

Hey Matt! Just checkin in to see how you're doing :)

Happy Sunday!! Glad to hear you broke up with alcohol lol... good job.

hug Matty hug I hate to say it Matts, but it can and does happen to the best of us. No matter how much we think "we got it right this time." If we let our guard down "just a bit," it could be dangerous. You are a shiny star in my eye. Your words have helped me through some tough times. So you hit a bump in the road (planned or not). Dust yourself off and get back on the road your were on. You know it'll get smooth again! I'll be thinking of you alot today Matts. Hope you have a good day man!

Love Chickee!

Matt, I read your thread awhile ago but didn't know what I could say that would be helpful. So I'll just say, from my heart, I have sat on that curb many times - BUT I wasn't smart enough to see what needed to be done, the way you do. (Way) back when I was in my 20's I handled hangovers and remorse with a hair of the dog. It always worked - my witch's brew of Alka Seltzer, Beer, a few aspirins & I was good to go. Another day of drinking underway - I went on like that for years, until it ended up never, ever being enough. Imagine yourself carrying on for another 25 yrs. like that (I did). You are NOT going to do that, you are going to get off the rollercoaster and live your life. We need you.

Thanks for your feedback. I am getting professional help actually, and I'm not doing this on my own. Thanks for your concern, though :) I am doing things differently this time around.