gave in
gave in
I gave up, after numerous freebie, craving-free weeks. This past week the cravings hit full force, though, and tonight I didn't resist at all.
Long story short: After I drank at the party, I sat down on a curve, and held my head in my hands. I saw this image of myself, asking me: "So it's just you and me now. Are you willing to do it?"
I'm used to effortlessness. Right now, I don't have a job, I'm barely keeping up with my long overdue classes, taking a colourful variety of meds that supposedly consolidate my mental health and sobriety, I'm hooked on cigarettes that fill a void, and basically take everything for granted, including my family and friends. When I decided to get sober for good 15 weeks ago, I had no cravings whatsoever, so I just coasted along with a relieved smile. That's the way things tend to be in my life: simply handed to me, implying no hard work whatsoever.
When I was a kid, my Grandmother used to say that I could charm the devil into doing whatever I pleased. That comment is obviously untrue, but it's not quite off the mark either. It set the stage for the way my life would be like, at least in appearance: seemingly sunny, filled with silver spoons, and requiring no effort. At all. So, yup, I'm just a Self-injuring martyr, now ignore those goddamn clouds... How's that for a martyr statement!
There is one thing - maybe the only thing - I'm proud of: I have tried my very best to never, ever, hurt anyone. Except for one notable exception, this is something I have excelled at. It's not that I try to be a "good person" or some other half assed notion along those lines. It's just the way I am. But:
I have hurt others unintentionally.
And I've also hurt myself.
What am I going to do differently this time around?
Well... ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.
... there is a bigger picture, right?
Long story short: After I drank at the party, I sat down on a curve, and held my head in my hands. I saw this image of myself, asking me: "So it's just you and me now. Are you willing to do it?"
I'm used to effortlessness. Right now, I don't have a job, I'm barely keeping up with my long overdue classes, taking a colourful variety of meds that supposedly consolidate my mental health and sobriety, I'm hooked on cigarettes that fill a void, and basically take everything for granted, including my family and friends. When I decided to get sober for good 15 weeks ago, I had no cravings whatsoever, so I just coasted along with a relieved smile. That's the way things tend to be in my life: simply handed to me, implying no hard work whatsoever.
When I was a kid, my Grandmother used to say that I could charm the devil into doing whatever I pleased. That comment is obviously untrue, but it's not quite off the mark either. It set the stage for the way my life would be like, at least in appearance: seemingly sunny, filled with silver spoons, and requiring no effort. At all. So, yup, I'm just a Self-injuring martyr, now ignore those goddamn clouds... How's that for a martyr statement!
There is one thing - maybe the only thing - I'm proud of: I have tried my very best to never, ever, hurt anyone. Except for one notable exception, this is something I have excelled at. It's not that I try to be a "good person" or some other half assed notion along those lines. It's just the way I am. But:
maybe it's time to challenge that notion as well.
I have hurt others unintentionally.
And I've also hurt myself.
What am I going to do differently this time around?
Well... ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.
... there is a bigger picture, right?
Well..I am a little surprised actually.
My heart sunk when I saw your name under this heading.
I am not one to be giving any kind of advice. Especially now.
All I can say is. We always have to try again.
I have lived my whole life on getting back up. I often wonder when that time will come where I dont have to brush myself off again.
That is all in our own hands as I see it.
Personally. I am tired of getting dirty.
I can no longer think of what who thinks or wants in MY life.
I have to be just as selfish with my recovery now as I was in addiction.
Its gotta be all about me even now.
Be good to yourself Matty.
All that beautiful wisdom you share with others that I have seen so many times.
Direct it toward you.
You are my closest friend here.
And I want you to have what you so much deserve.
My heart sunk when I saw your name under this heading.
I am not one to be giving any kind of advice. Especially now.
All I can say is. We always have to try again.
I have lived my whole life on getting back up. I often wonder when that time will come where I dont have to brush myself off again.
That is all in our own hands as I see it.
Personally. I am tired of getting dirty.
I can no longer think of what who thinks or wants in MY life.
I have to be just as selfish with my recovery now as I was in addiction.
Its gotta be all about me even now.
Be good to yourself Matty.
All that beautiful wisdom you share with others that I have seen so many times.
Direct it toward you.
You are my closest friend here.
And I want you to have what you so much deserve.
I'm just a Self-injuring martyr
Me, I am a big baby, selfish, spoilt, lazy....I still blame bad things that happened to me as a kid for how I am.
What I am getting at is...these are the faults I have to work on when I am sober, recovery involves more than not drinking/using. It takes work. It means taking responsibility for myself, for my life, for me it means growing up....at last.
A bit like you said,
I saw this image of myself, asking me: "So it's just you and me now. Are you willing to do it?"
You know the score, see what you can learn from this relapse and NEVER give up.
matty:ghug3 my heart to dropped when i seen your name here. you worked so hard at this , you can dust your self off and start again , no one here thinks anyless of you , were human and make mistakes . Did you plan on attending this party for a pre-arranged reason ? you know its a slippery place to go , even for those with long term soberity something like that can be very dangerouse .
All that beautiful wisdom you share with others that I have seen so many times.
Direct it toward you. as Chi said ..... tho we can often give the most incredible advice and help so many along the way , but when it comes to taken this things we share we simply dont pay attention, I often replace my own self with another so i can take my own advise , sounds funkie i know , but i have to think of it as what would I tell so and so that could help them . Matty we love yah .. chin up start over , and learn from your mistakes , Those that know you , know your notta a fan off AA , but maybe its worth a sampling at again ? dont have to use everything they say ...just what works for you .... Big hugs from Endzy...:ghug3
All that beautiful wisdom you share with others that I have seen so many times.
Direct it toward you. as Chi said ..... tho we can often give the most incredible advice and help so many along the way , but when it comes to taken this things we share we simply dont pay attention, I often replace my own self with another so i can take my own advise , sounds funkie i know , but i have to think of it as what would I tell so and so that could help them . Matty we love yah .. chin up start over , and learn from your mistakes , Those that know you , know your notta a fan off AA , but maybe its worth a sampling at again ? dont have to use everything they say ...just what works for you .... Big hugs from Endzy...:ghug3
Matt,
I`m glad you posted.
I think you`re absolutely right. You were lucky to not have any cravings during your sober time, but you know it takes more than coasting along. It takes work, daily, and making changes in your life.
You can do this! Learn from your experience and begin to move forward!
I`m glad you posted.
I think you`re absolutely right. You were lucky to not have any cravings during your sober time, but you know it takes more than coasting along. It takes work, daily, and making changes in your life.
You can do this! Learn from your experience and begin to move forward!
We all have the potential to harm others unintentionally whether or not we are sober, I dont think we have much say about this cause we never know the long term consequences of our actions. Its just part of life. We also have positive impacts on people without knowing it. Like when I was in high school I tutored elemetary school students one year. Like 10 years later this girl came up to me, I didnt recognize her, and said that I had been a real good influence on her when I was tutoring her all those years ago. It blew my mind at the time and I try to remember her when I am hating myself these days.
I am used to being handed everything also, I have never had to clean up my own messes and that is why trying to stay sober is so hard, no one can do it for me and I cant manipulate them into doing it for me. I am finding it very hard lately to deal with the consequences of my drinking, which continue to catch up with me, and I might be dealing with them in the wrong way, I dont know, I just deal with them as best I can.
Keep trying
I am used to being handed everything also, I have never had to clean up my own messes and that is why trying to stay sober is so hard, no one can do it for me and I cant manipulate them into doing it for me. I am finding it very hard lately to deal with the consequences of my drinking, which continue to catch up with me, and I might be dealing with them in the wrong way, I dont know, I just deal with them as best I can.
Keep trying
Ugh!
So I just got up for a toilet run... Too much information, I know, but there it is. Vomit, dizziness, thumping headaches, among other niceties. Honestly, at this point, I'd choose nonstop cravings for a lifetime over another minute of this hangover from hell - lesson learned! Hooray :grimace:
By the way, this is a little message for anybody that is craving a drink right now: you are out of your friggin mind!! Drink water or juice or whatever other alcohol-free drink that may float your boat instead, stay put, and be grateful for BIG favours. Believe you me, drinking it is simply NOT worth it.
Thanks for the answers.. I'll answer each one individually the very moment this state subsides and/or I stop whining. Whichever comes first.
By the way, this is a little message for anybody that is craving a drink right now: you are out of your friggin mind!! Drink water or juice or whatever other alcohol-free drink that may float your boat instead, stay put, and be grateful for BIG favours. Believe you me, drinking it is simply NOT worth it.
Thanks for the answers.. I'll answer each one individually the very moment this state subsides and/or I stop whining. Whichever comes first.
Matt, your honesty has helped strengthen my resolve to stay sober. I see people get sober then go back out. Then get sober, then go back out. I do'nt need to find out for myself what I already know, and people like you, who slip and are honest about it, teach me so much. Thank you for helping me stay sober today!
:ghug3
:ghug3
Hey Matt...
All any of us do have is this one day...a "daily reprieve".
You've got day 1 again...
All I have is this one day..24 hours to live, make choices..and choose
to "not" pick up. To not give up, give in, or quit.
You know, some folks don't like slogans..but I live by them.
They have popped into my consciousness when I was shaky..and
maybe saved me from a slip.
First things first (guard your sobriety..)
Don't drink or use (no matter what)
Just For Today
Honesty, Openness, and Willingness
and..
Hang out with the Winners.
It is a selfish program, hun...I would sure like to see you get into
a program. But that is up to you.
Love, and hugs
All any of us do have is this one day...a "daily reprieve".
You've got day 1 again...
All I have is this one day..24 hours to live, make choices..and choose
to "not" pick up. To not give up, give in, or quit.
You know, some folks don't like slogans..but I live by them.
They have popped into my consciousness when I was shaky..and
maybe saved me from a slip.
First things first (guard your sobriety..)
Don't drink or use (no matter what)
Just For Today
Honesty, Openness, and Willingness
and..
Hang out with the Winners.
It is a selfish program, hun...I would sure like to see you get into
a program. But that is up to you.
Love, and hugs
mat...thanks for posting after your drank...thanks for coming back....and thanks for starting back at it as soon as you are ready....which i think will be real soon...you have some friends here in SR
it takes more than coasting along. It takes work, daily, and making changes in your life.
You can do this! Learn from your experience and begin to move forward!
You can do this! Learn from your experience and begin to move forward!
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