New to the forum, major problem
 

Hello everyone.

I finally admitted last week, to myself and my ex-girlfriend, that I am an alcoholic. I suppose that I have known it for a long time, but I always told myself that it was a social thing.

Well....it isn't true. I cannot sleep without excessive amounts of alcohol, as many as 15 beers. I am not a bar lush, meaning I do not get wasted at a bar and exhibit socially ugly behavior. I am a pro at this. I drink a few at the bar, then come home and get wasted, in private.

I have been drinking heavily, mostly under disguise, for 17 years.

About six months ago, I started getting kidney pains, and they have not stopped since. I assume it is because of the alcohol.

My biggest problem (but certainly not the only one) at the moment is that I cannot eat. If I am able to get 1/2 of a meal down in an entire day, that is an accomplishment. Sometimes, a hot dog is the most food I can get down without throwing up. Drinking kills my appetite. The second I taste a beer, I lose any taste for food, besides salty things or "cocktails food" like olives, pickles, plain cheese, pepperonis, etc.

I have not been able to keep down a decent meal in four months. I tried to do a healthy meal in the mornings of fruit and dairy, but barfed it up (apple and banana everywhere). When I do get famished (massive stomach pains), I am able to suppress it until I get my one meal for the day. I have lost some weight, but it seems like my body is adapting to the lack of calories, and I am at a weight appropriate for my height.

Here's a good example of how eating is going for me: Tonight I ordered a fish and chips at about 7:00 (my first meal of the day). I was able to force down two pieces of fish and about 20 fries. I mean forced in that if I had eaten it any quicker, I would have thrown it up. I went through three huge glasses of water, and it took me about 45 minutes to finish.

I want to tackle my alcoholism, and soon. But first, I need to figure out how to eat and sleep without it. I am (successfully) self-employed, but have no insurance. I could continue this until I die, and no-one would ever know why I died. Seriously, I am a pro at putting up a front.

I hope that someone has some advice. I don't want to stumble through this and fail. I don't car if I gain 100 pounds....I need to be able to sleep and eat without killing myself with booze.

You may need to be medically detoxed and be treated for ulcers. My father had the same issues. He only treats the ulcers though. He is still active. (this is not medical advice, just an opinion of an alcoholic/addict/codie).

I hope you find answers here.

hi EC - and welcome to the forum!

Detoxing from alcohol without medical supervision is downright dangerous.

That's as simple as I can put it.

I had no $$$ for it, either, but went through a State funded clinic to do it.
I didn't check into rehab or anything like that.
But I needed a Doc 'on hand' ... and was able to have that through the clinic.

Check out the sticky on the top of the Alcoholism forums called 'Excerpts from under the Influence' .
there's other sticky's there you might want to read as well.

Good luck to ya, and we're here ... we're just not medical advisors.

'I want to tackle my alcoholism, and soon. But first, I need to figure out how to eat and sleep without it'----

The eating and sleeping problems are fairly standard when drinking heavily, I have gone days without eating when drinking and when I dont drink I get insomnia.

When/if you quit, the eating and sleeping sort themselves out eventually.

Welcome to the forum. :)

Welcome to SR. You will receive lots of support.

Thank you for the responses. Even though I haven't found my answer yet (I will look into the state thing), even seeing responses of understanding make me tear up. I cannot publicly admit my problem to anyone, including famliy or friends.....it will kill my career. It took as much as I could muster just to register here.

This is a very emotional thing for me. Admitting that I have a problem is no small thing, as I am sure that many of you can relate to.

I am tearing up as I write: I want to get better, and I know what I a doing is killing me. But I have a near-compulsion to drink. I do not want to die and my family to say "We had no idea."

The eating thing is driving me nuts. I can be as hungry as you can possibly imagine, but cannot get myself to eat. I am not comfortable in eliminating drinking until I am sure I will be able to eat. I can smoke weed and I'll eat a little, but it inevitably makes me want to drink more.

Seriously, thank you for the responses.

Is your Doctor sympathetic? Maybe you could talk to she/he about your problem and how to address it.

EC, first off... happy to see your trying to something asbout the problem...

EC foer me, i was at that point also... stage three alcoholism was set'n in.. my liver and kidneys were shutting down.. became a sickening greenish color with some nice yellow highlights... arg...

was about 30lbs overweight, all bloat!....

EC, please go see a doc, fess up all, and dont try the home detox after alll the years of belt'n back the booze.. .

i did it that way, and i dont recomend it, its real dangerous...

i might add tho... all the pain i went through from it, has kept it real green for me til this day, over four years later... EC, ya might say, i was willing to die for one day of not belt'n back the booze...

all good wishes EC...

xxoo, rz

Welcome to our recovery community - you've gotten some solid advice from other members. Please keep us posted on your progress. We do care and understand.

Welcome
 

Hi EC, glad to have you here with us. I agree with the folks who advised you to see a doctor; please do ASAP. And keep reading and posting here. Sending prayers your way. GH.

Hi and Welcome,

Drinking killed my appetite too. I think the sugar in the alcohol just killed my desire to eat, plus I was getting sicker. But, I think you need to stop the drinking first. And, of course, chedk with your dr because it could be dangerous. Once you do that, the appetite and sleep will return. I quickly gained back the weight I had lost once I stopped drinking and food tasted wonderful. The sleep issues will probably take a lot longer, but with patience you'll be okay.

nice to meet you, ac - keep posting! blessings, k

Welcome EC....:)

You are putting the horse before the cart.
It's the alcohol that is making these problems.

Noticed blood in your urine yet?
How about blood in your vomit?

My experience ....
I had to have 3 transfusions and was in
ICU for days with internal bleeding.

And BTW...it did not give me severe pain .
A few stomach cramps is all.

So Yes! You need medical attention ASAP
Go to your doctor or to a cunty health
department or a f ree clinic
The Salvation Army has many free services.

I do hope you seek assistance before you
become too ill to care.

Alcohol literally eats into your organs
brain ..stomach...kidneys...liver..all orgns.

Here is a link to the info Barb mentioned

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html


Blessings

I detoxed alone. I was VERY lucky that I was able to do it without serious problems. I didn't have the problem with eating that you do though. That alone makes me think you have an underlying issue that has more than likely been caused by the alcohol. You really need to see a doctor and tell him/her everything. I don't think you should try to detox by yourself.

I'm glad for you that you've taken this first step. You've admitted you have a problem and you want to quit drinking. Baby steps. One day at a time.

Congratulations!!

Hi EC. Welcome.

K

Hey EC. Just wanted to welcome you. You will be able to find many people here that have been there and done that. It really helps to hear from others that have been through it. I do agree with everyone here, you do need to see a Dr. The eating issue is easy first your taking in many many calories with beer so your body does not have that natural instinct to eat to survive, next all the years of abusing you stomach lining makes it difficult for it to handle food. It will not get better if you continue to drink there is no other way to put it. You have taken the right step by recognizing there is a problem. Now take the next step and start to fix the problem. Keep us posted. Good luck.

I found going to AA very liberating in removing my shame about my drinking.

For a time the only place I felt comfortable in my skin was at an AA meeting. The folks there have walked a few miles in my shoes... they got it... they didn't judge me... they just wanted to help... and them being there did... The forum is great but going to a live meeting... although a bit more intimidating is much better...

I will keep you in my thoughts...

Welcomt Sr EC.

A big problem with alcoholics is that when we are drinking we dont eat. Drinking on an empty stomache just tears the lining up.

Im no expert, but I think you should atleast TRY to stop drinking before you address the eating and sleeping issues. eating will come back slowly and sleeping well that takes a little longer.

I would like to make a suggestion about your diet. If you can only hold down small amounts of food you might want to try to eat things that are healthier than hotdogs and fried foods. Try some fruit and veggies they are vitamin packed and vitamin depletion is also a big problem with drinkers. Plus you might find they go down easier. The fish is a good thing, but try to have it baked. Fried foods are hard for anyone to take especially those with stomach problems.
Once again welcome and keep posting you will find the support here immeasurable.

Welcome Empty Cartridge!

As everyone else has pretty much said, you NEED to see a doctor. I began having pains at the end, too. Nothing too severe, but I thought I might be developing an ulcer or pancreatitis. I got lucky. You need to get some medical attention. Remember, your career won't mean anything if you're in ICU for weeks. Please be careful.

Blessings and prayers to EC. Keep in touch,'K

BHJ

Weird thing is that I actually get hungry when I drink. Of course once I eat I feel absolutely no desire to continue drinking. So if I wan't to continue drinking I'll put off eating till late and it's cause me to gain about 20+ lbs withing the last few years.

Maybe we're at diferent stages of our alchoholism but having pain definately signals a problem. You need to see a doctor before it's too late..

thank you
 

Thank you for all of the responses.

It does make sense that my body is just accepting the beer calories for what they are. When I do eat, it is often healthy foods. The hot dogs and last night's meal were the first thing that popped into my head. I often will have a fruit smoothie with nothing but fresh fruit, yogurt, and milk. I eat lots of salads, because as I said, bulky foods (burgers, steaks, etc.) are tough for me to finish. Well, impossible for me to finish.

I have to tell you that the prospect of going to a doctor or clinic about this is very frightening. I am not one to visit a doctor very often, and am not a fan of medication. Getting me to take an aspirin is a stretch.

I am not sure that I understand why detoxing by myself is considered so dangerous. Is it physically dangerous? If so, how? Or is it more the danger of me slipping up?

The physical problems I have had are A) the kidney thing mentioned above, B) my complexion has worsoned (redness in the face, acne, C) sporadic, guttoral coughing until I eat or drink D) the sleeping and eating thing. I haven't seen more severe things, like blood in vomit or urine.

I am a little more open to AA, but still not quite there yet. I just admitted to having a problem, and posting here was really my first step to getting some answers.

This is all very frightening to me. It's not that I don't know what I have to do, it's just trying to find an answer that fits for me with minimal impact on my work life. I have many employees and customers that rely on me....not to mention that I depend on myself.

I am going to read through more of the forum, and continue to read your responses. Trust me, all of them are appreciated. The worst thing about not talking about this before was feeling that I was alone.

You're not alone, that's for sure. I felt that way too once, it's scary.

Just go. Doctors are there to help you, and if you dont go, what are you gaining? Dont overthink this, in my opinion.

Well, I've been reading up on recovery, and it looks like complete withdrawl could be physically dangerous. An article I found said that during the early stages of detox, that I would have to be "supported."

I am not ready for that.

I am going to try a scheduled, gradual withdrawl. If this does not work, I will go to a doctor and get a friend or two to help me. I consider this a last resort, and I know that it is against many of your advice, but I feel I need to do step 2 before I do step 3.

If I slip up on the scheduled withdrawl a single time, I will throw up my hands and do the doctor thing. Some of this is pride, some fear, and some practical reasons.

I hope you reconsider the doctor thing. It'd be wise to go that route first imo :).

I may. The more I read, the more I see that that may be inevitable. This is scary stuff.

You may experience very bad effects, like delerium tremens, extremely high blood pressure, seizures, and some other nasty effects. If you are in any doubt whatsoever, please detox under medical supervision. None of us are doctors, and I assume you're not, either.

At the very least, please let a friend or someone you're close to keep an eye on you.

Everyone is different in their physical responses. Please reconsider the doctor visit.

I wish you well. Keep in touch and let us know how things are going.

All my best to you.

BHJ

I will keep in touch, and thank you for the offer. I appreciate all of your time, caring, and prayers. I'll give the tapering a go, but I promise to keep you an honest update on the progress. I think this forum may be as helpful to me as anything right now. Just getting all of this out has been a big step for me.

EC how about the unmanagability? EC

You know you want to quit. And it can be done. In fact, since you decided to not drink you're going to feel that desire for drink come on string for the next few days. However, it's just a bad habit that deserves to die. In this case, starve it by simply not drinking.

Feel it's pain and realize that your desire is appealing to you. And yet you choose to not drink. Once you see its weakness as it tries to show you memories of ONLY the good times you and only you know where those drinks led to.

In other words, just don't drink and feel that pain of a vanquished opponent. It will only last a few days but it will fade within a week as you recognize its tactics. Think of any desire to drink as your defeated opponent whining and begging for it's precious. In fact, think of it as Gollum and how that character within LOTR is that desire for that precious. When seen for what it is abstinence becomes simpler by recognizing that appetite as not you.

Feel free to ask questions. You'll find the answers soon enough. Just don't drink Just For Today and realize how simple it is to stay quit. :)

Yours in Recovery, Mark B.