Overcoming the Struggle
 

It would be so awesome to finally hit a year of sobriety... I really want one of those specially ordered gold coins off that recovery website. That would be such an amazing sense of accomplishment.

I feel like I've really been working my recovery this time. I won't give up. Every day I've been stretching and growing to new levels and sometimes it seems like the changes are small, but they are baby steps to the new me. I am slowly emerging out of the shell I once was.

I will never forget my last binge.... I pray that I always remember this moment because this was the moment when I knew I really WANTED with every essence of my being to fight to stay clean.

I had binged on cocaine and alcohol ALL night and I was coming down hard... and it hurt so bad.. then I started drinking and continued the binge with alcohol.. and then went into alcohol withdrawals with sweating, shaking, heart pounding out of my chest...and I had class that morning!! I got up and tried to get the booze off my breathe just so that I could drag my self to class. Well, I felt like crap all day and I was sick of drugs and alcohol...... and that was just IT.

Ever since that moment in my life, I have done EVERYTHING to stay away. I have made many choices that I balked at and didn't want to do but I needed to do to stay clean/sober. I have been workin' it this time.... really working it. After that last time, enough was enough. That was it... I was so humiliated to walk around campus like that which is something I said that I would NEVER do.

Here I am 10 days clean and sober and I'm not looking back. I don't care how many lies this addiction throws at me, I am not listening. I am totally done.

I've been doing AA/NA meetings combined with tools off the Smart website and other various recovery sources. I'm learning, growing, and recovering.

I know that I have had many failed attempts at sobriety but this time I have been going after it like I'm fighting for my life because I am.

I still have a long way to go but gratefully, I am in recovery today and putting together some good 24s.

Thanks everyone for never giving up on me! I'm in it to win it.. one clean day at a time.

Good for you, Hope. Just remember that we get to a year one day at a time. Stay in today. Remember where your feet are!

I will never give up on you, Hope. As long as you are breathing, there is still HOPE. (HOPE for Hope? - Always! :09:)

Now, go to those meetings, get a sponsor and work those steps!

((( hope4life ))))

You be rockin with your recovery! It's good to write and confirm how you feel about your sobriety and your determination to make good choices for yourself by not picking up. You are determined to not let your past become your future and you are strong!

I'm proud of your overcoming all your stuggles.. the real you is emerging!!

:ValD007:

Keep fighting Cheryl. If you truly are putting your heart and soul into your sobriety, you can accomplish anything. It is your choice. Keep moving forward and never forget your last binge. I know remembering my last horrible binge helps keep me sober today.

Im so proud of you Cheryl...you're working so hard and its so amazing. I know exactly what you were describing with your binge, as that was pretty much me every day of the week. I'm so glad that we've both gotten past that. It has been a struggle, and you're doing a really good job at working past it. Congrats.

keep on working towards that year date....

Ditto what ((Smyle)) said Mrs...xXx...!

Keep focused on Today and your recovery and before you know it one year will be Today.

Kevin

Cheryl,

"Give up" is not in our vocabulary here; life is about struggle and learning and loving one another-you are much loved here for what you have shown us about all three.

Hugs,
Jhana

Much Loved ...:Val004: Ditto ((Jhana))...

:ws_flower just here for ya..:)

I am feeling a bit discouraged at the moment. :frown:

No one wants to hear this. I don't want to tell it.

I took painkillers and they messed with my head and my defenses were down. Well, somehow I ended up in a situation with my uncle and he kept pressuring me. The painkillers threw me totally off. I ended up doing coke with him!!! :chairshot I don't even remember making the decision-- my head was that messed up from the painkillers.

I am trying not to freak out but it hurts. I had really been working hard. This is a hard lesson learned. STAY FROM ANY NARCOTIC DOCTOR PRESCRIBED PAIN MEDICATION and if it is absolutely necessary, then I have to let someone distribute the pills to me. I didn't think they would screw my mind up like that.

I called a lady from my meetings and she said that she would start sitting by me at the meetings and she would get there early so we could talk. She also said that she'd help me find a sponsor. I just need help.

I was doing so well.

I know right now what triggered this whole thing...........

PAINKILLERS
UNCLE

I know that people are going to want to give me some tough love right now but please don't. I have aleady done that enough to myself and I can't take anymore. I am going to make it. I feel like this really is my time. I mean, I've exhausted every other option.

I'm so disappointed in myself because I really was working hard on my recovery. I am getting back up again.

I would have been ok had I not taken narcotic pain killers..then I would not have caved in to that thought of using cocaine. The decision to take pain killers was the thing that got me and it was my downfall.:sad2:

Please, please, please, I'm asking with all of my heart- don't give up on me. I am really going to get this. I am so angry with myself right now. Now the physical cravings are set off.

Don't feel bad, I know it is easy to be angry with yourself as I also messed up and angry and disappointed w/myself, as you might know if you read any of my other posts I had 33 days sobriety and drank and also smoked a little pot, Sunday, Monday I drank, then didnt drink Tuesday, then drank again on Wednesday and Thursday, so starting over today. My triggers were being around people who were drinking, my neighbor and the presence and suggestion of alcohol and part of me doesnt get it - Why can't I not drink, why can't I be normal- I guess that is why they call it a disease. I guess the first day I drank set it off so to speak-although I drank much less on those days then I used to, I still drank, I think once I drank the first time set off this stupid thinking of well it was only a few, but deep down I know I have to quit.:uzi2:

You're right about that.. :eek5:

Just one thought for you... It's also a trigger to know we're doing really well in our program. It's happened to me where I felt I wanted to celebrate even though I know I should not, my disease and my old habits come right up to the surface. Sweetie, be aware of all your emotions! In early recovery I did have someone give me my pain meds, it's a good idea.

:Val004:

I appreciate your honesty girl. Never give up! You recognize you triggers and know where you went wrong. Now where is your Uncle? I've got a few things I'd like to say to him. :thumbsdow Misery loves company. It has been blatantly apparent that your Uncle does not have your best interest in mind. What a shame...

I made you a proposition over on the DQ thread. Check it out and tell me what you think?

That really inspires me. I was thinking about that today. :) I would be honored and that would mean a whole lot to me. :Val004:

Nobody here is ever going to give up on you. Not me, not anyone. We're all here going through the same exact thing as you. We all care about you!

((hope4life))
Keep working at it. You are not alone. I'm saying a prayer for you tonight, and I hope you find peace. Please don't beat yourself up. Nobody here will judge you for anything. We are all in the same boat, and it can be really tough. I hope you feel better soon.
chip

Don't beat yourself up!
 

I've got 11 days since the last time I used coke, and about a week since I drank. If someone I knew and cared about (or realistically, anyone) showed up with one or the other, I might have a hard time refusing - and I'm not on pain pills either.

Do NOT beat yourself up! You've done the hardest part, and that's deciding to make your life better. Your doing this for you, not for any of us. You'll do better next time. Every day you don't use - every second you choose to do something for you, you win.

You need to take care of you, and use your recovery as an excellent excuse to keep yourself away from those who would undermine your recovery. Your uncle is obviously not concerned about your recovery - most active addicts won't be - you're making them look really bad. Good luck!

It is day 4 and I feel so sick this morning. I couldn't go to my morning class. I'm going to the other one but this was just a really bad morning. I am still beating myself up. I am so mad at myself for starting over. I'm just glad that I didn't give up. Struggling and trudging through the day and going to a meeting tonight.

I learned the hard way about taking pain meds and losing my defense and good judgement which lead back to cocaine. I got hit over the head pretty hard with that one. My uncle is a bad influence and he really doesn't care about my recovery.

I have tenacity so I need to focus that back on doing the right things. I can do this. I need to watch the triggers and avoid people, places, things that are associated with drinking/using.

good luck to you!

my last binge (over a week ago) was coke/booze, and i remember having to drink to help with the comedown and go to sleep.

the next day i went to a meeting and got a 24 hr chip and i take it everywhere with me to remind me of WHY i went to that meeting, and the state i never wish to be in again.

it's great that you're doing this, and don't beat yourself up over a slip up- i know it sucks, but stay strong and don't let yourself fall into those dark places again.

*hugs*

Thanks for all the support. It really helps.

I took a huge step earlier. I went and reached out and said I need help. I have an appointment with a substance abuse counselor in a few days and I know that this is going to help me. I was so scared to do that but I forced myself to walk through those doors and open up with total and complete honesty not holding anything back. I feel like the whole world has been lifted off of my shoulders.

I am really starting to believe that I can do this! I have opened my mind up to new possibilities, became willing, and got really honest. Even though I feel scrambled physically, emotionally, and spiritually... there is still a small sense of inner peace that I'm sure will grow with each passing sober day and as I do the footwork to grow and learn to be a productive member of society.

I've connected with some great people in recovery and I already feel like my life is getting fuller than it was. Now, it is not a shallow emptiness that I filled with alcohol/drugs trying to calm my loneliness. Today, I see that people truly care about me and want me to get well. I'm so happy knowing that I never have to drink or use today.

It is good to KNOW that we never have to use again...!

That sounds SO good to me...! Shine on (((Cherly)))...xXx:Val004:

The most important thing you can do at this point is go to meetings and listen to what people are saying. Get a sponsor, start working the steps, hang out with people who are clean and sober, don't go around people who are using/drinking. Keep the focus on recovery, one day at a time. Don't worry about having one year of sobriety or even one week. Just focus on staying clean and sober today. Don't use any mind/mood altering drug recreationally. Be very careful of anyting prescribed to you and let your doctor know about you problem. Be honest with yourself, your sponsor, and people who are trying to help you. Keep coming back.

Craving
 

I went to a meeting earlier, talked to people in recovery, read my recovery literature and right now, I'm having a craving. I feel the battle inside of my head but don't worry, I refuse to pick up a drink, take a pill, or do a line. I REFUSE.

Besides, I'm not throwing my days down the toilet. I've had to work hard for these and they are precious to me. Tomorrow is day 5. I'm moving forward, not backwards.

I feel kind of crazy though because I feel like these voices in my head are screaming and jumping at me to get me to drink/use. The voice is screaming at me and I'm shouting right back with thought-stopping techniques. Every time I hear one of those lies, I challenge the lie and expose it for the lie that it is.

I'm going to finish my homework then I'm off to bed. :)

Im proud of you! Keep up the good work, and stay strong Cheryl!

Cheryl, I think you need to stay away from your uncle. He has encouraged you to many relapses.

Hey Cheryl.....sorry that you are in this rut.....I know it is exhausting, you can do this and please do not think anyone is giving up on you.

I see an addiction counselor and really need her, she is great and has helped me out soooo much !!!
good luck

~B

((( hope4life )))

You have to realize that you are going to feel bad. You've spent some time getting your body and your mind messed up and now, you want to just feel fine??? That's not going to happen..there won't be a quick fix.
Your body wants you DOC and your mind wants to stay strong in sobriety and then there's probably a little voice in there too that says " This is BS.. I'm gonna go score" All this internal conflict is called transition
You are changing from a drug addict into the woman you want to be and there's just no way that transition doesn't have its growing pains!

Hang tight,.. don't pick up. Speak up at meetings. Get some phone numbers and tell everyone you want sponsorship!!

:Val004:

It has been a long and exhausting week but I made it through clean and sober. I'm doing this deal one day at a time. I still hear that voice but as soon as I hear it, I tell it to SHUTUP! I don't let it lie to me because all that comes with using-- PAIN and SUFFERING.

I finally got up and joined the fight for my sobriety. Some days it seems like it would be easier to take a drink or do a line, but I HAVE A CHOICE. I choose not to do things that destroy me. I am learning to love myself. It isn't an overnight thing but a road that has its ups and downs.

Tonight, when I go to sleep I know in my heart that I have a day of stuff to be proud of instead of falling asleep in a drunken state and waking up to guilt and shame. I don't have guilt and shame today! I am staying strong and working on my life one day at a time and I am making a life that I'm proud of. Yes, it is challenging sometimes but I'm staying the course and doing what I have to do to take care of me and to stay clean/sober.