Good morning!
I was so tired for no reason last night that I fell asleep a bit after 9. Something's not right in my system. I think stress is building up slowly. I need to get out and hike, and start eating better. Hopefully that fixes me right up.

BBQ - Jack has an Agent? Wow. Hitting the big time! That's cool.
Brynn - how are you doing today?
Creek - did you get some rest last night?
Mary and Kitty - you will both be great at your new jobs. :)

Good morning :)

Marty I think a hike sounds great!

the weather has been crazy the last couple of days here. A lot of heavy rain and it's cold. We had a thunderstorm this morning. My family is driving out to Colordo to spend the next 5 days here. they rented a cabin. I am super excited so if I am not around it is because I am spending time with them. I hope everyone has a super weekend. :ring

Enjoy your time with family Middy:)

Thinking of you Brynn

Wish you were here Marty......I am planning a hike tomorrow & will be going by myself. I have spent the last 3 or 4 week-ends doing things around the house here, so am going to pack a lunch & go enjoy the beauty of Southern Oregon. There is a new trail, not to far from home that both my Son & Brother & DIL have hiked & said that the views are incredible.

Off to parent/teacher conferences out at Son's school this am....he got mad at me yesterday when I told him I was going....hmmmm

Good morning y'all!

Theres a lot I want to say but I can't get my thoughts together but the gist of it is I'm still sober but not sure why. I told another litter mate that I hysterically begged my dr to put me in a coma and I was dead serious but of course he didn't and the best he could do was give me a sedative. When I say I don't want to know anything or think about any of this **** I mean it. I literally cannot handle anything else I'm on overload and I wish to god someone would knock me out! I've been told oh this isn't the brynn we know and yeah you're right! That brynn has been hit with one too many things and she can't face anything else! Sometimes no matter how hard you try and how good you are it's not enough and life sucks and you know sometimes it's too much for even the best of us!

Right now I can't remember why I'm doing this why I have to be lucid and be AWARE and coherent and conscious! And I'm very aware there are worse things than being told you'll likely never walk on your own again, it's just a hard pill to swallow and the icing on an already hard year so far. I'm struggling with accepting this and just going with it and not fighting it cause honestly I'm exhausted and confused or rejecting it and fighting like hell and continuing to live in total denial that this disease is consuming my body!! Rambling I know I've got so much in my head right now and I'm vacillating between extremes.

My ex carried me outside and I'm on my patio looking at a half tilled garden and an empty bird feeder and I don't know if it's worse to be out here looking at crap that I can't do or being inside trapped in my head! My godson is coming to see me at lunch and I'm hoping that will give me a little more perspective. But with visitors comes the nauseating sentiments....everything happens for a reason and blah blah vomit! I pray I never say that to anyone ever again!

All I know is if I drink or smoke or shoot heroin which sounds really good right now it won't be a slip or whatever people call it it will be completely premeditated and totally on me. Can anyone tell me what is so great about being conscious and aware and how being tormented and in pain and mentally anguished is better than getting a little relief however you can? Enlightenment through mental and physical torment sounds iffy to me.

And yes I know this isn't like me but it's still me and I need help because I'm falling apart and feel like I'm losing it.
Xoxo

I love you sister Brynn. Hang in there. Sounds trite but it's all you can do right now.
(((Brynn)))

Hi Brynn,

I hate this happening to you! I seriously feel like I'm gonna cry, I wish there was something I could say, but everything that people say probably seems so trite and theres really not any comfort in words right now.
But you are alive, and still able to enjoy life, its not the end, but maybe just the beginning of something beautiful for you. This probably sounds stupid, I'm sorry, just know that we're here for you.
You're not bringing us down xoxo
Love you, and I mean that.

I have been drinking again, nothing crazy, just some wine here and there, but I hate it, its gross and I'm gonna stop again.

Brynn, where to begin. You know I love you, care for you, support you, and all of the above. I could fill you in on my current situation, share the similarities in news I have received, and throw out all the cliches and platitudes I could muster but all of that would be pointless. The fact of the matter is, life sucks and regardless of what supportive words people say, and inspiration and motivation you might possibly receive from people suffering similar situations, you ( myself and everyone else included) face our problems alone. You alone can make the choice to completely fall apart and back into old addictions which we are so familiar with, or you can dig deep, find your inner strength (which we all know you possess as you have displayed it time and time again) and accept that life sucks, your situation sucks, and that your life will be significantly different from what you plan but it does not have to be bad. I don't say this to be mean, cynical, or suggest that you act like you have it all together. On the contrary, grieve, fall apart (without using), and rebuild from the ashes something/someone stronger, better, and content with the life before you. I say this all to myself as well. You've already demonstrated how strong you are as you haven't made the decision yet to break your sobriety. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you will continue sharing.

I missed all you ladies, and Big, Cast, and everyone else. Hope all is well with everyone.

I haven't got MS so if you like you can take this with a grain of salt Brynn :)

but...I did try to drink my life away to avoid dealing with a deteriorating physical condition - it didn't work.

I deal with it much better now I'm sober - the great hurdle for me was the fear, rather than the condition.

At bottom, I guess you can say we face our problems alone, but the support and encouragement (and inspiration) I've gotten here at SR has kep[t me from the dark side at times.

Check out Robby Robot's authenticity thread in the Alcoholism forum some time if you haven't already :)

I don't know what the future holds - but I know that I'm in the best place mentally I've ever been to handle it.

:hug:
D

(((Brynn)))

Thanks again for the support y'all.

I'm sorry to go on about this but I mean it when I say that in over four months of abstinence this is the biggest battle I've had with my resolve. And the truth is, it really doesn't matter if I stay sober or if I drink. I put the 'no drinking' parameters around myself. No one is making me stay sober. I'm torturing myself being aware and lucid and present.
Dee....I totally appreciate your honesty and sharing your experience dealing with a progressive disease and I admire your strength and the peace you've obviously found. I am well aware that other people here are dealing with debilitating and life-threatening illness and in no way do I think my diagnosis comes anywhere near the things others are dealing with. What I'm dealing with is merely a stubbed toe comparatively, but it's still my stubbed toe and it's a blow nonetheless. (And I know you didn't direct me to RRs thread because you wanted me to see how bad it COULD be....but only wanted to encourage and inspire me...thank you).
My question still remains WHY is it so imperative that we go through crap like this sober?
What is wrong with escape? Is going through the fire sober REALLY making me a better person...a more enlightened person....because right now I feel like it's just making me a mentally unstable person. And yes...I know...can't escape forever it will all still be here but what about just to take the edge off for a bit? Is it wrong to want to take the edge off? Are we meant to live with every blow full force with no relief?
See....I'm beginning to realize that some people in this community use other things to 'take the edge off'....food being a biggie here it seems (yeah...I'm a little slow). My problem is I'm not an over eater...I have a hard time eating enough to even gain the weight back I lost while drinking.
I don't smoke either. I guess sex would be considered my only real vice in that I've always used sex in unhealthy ways and to cope. But ding dang dong....not really an option right now so scratch that off the list for the foreseeable future. I'm getting off track I guess but my questions are legitimate....at least they are to me.
Xoxo

I wasn't trying to downplay your position at all Brynn. I really am inspired tho by the way other people deal with really massive scary things.

Your AV is really going to push the 'whats wrong with taking the edge off' line. Consider the source tho.

You AV doesn't care if you get carried off into active alcoholism again, it doesn't care if drinking makes a bad condition worse, it doesn't care if you fall and hurt yourself or if your life self destructs around you.

Trust me - there is no drink big enough or strong enough to assuage your fear, or your anger Brynn.

If there's one thing my recovery has taught me its how capable I am...how much more I could be.

Speaking as your friend, it would be a tragedy if you turned away from that Brynn.

It's not fair, but there are many things in this life that are not fair. Drinking won't make them any more fair.

D

Brynn I think your questions are completely legitimate. And if I were in your position I'd be asking the exact same questions. I'm not going to try to convince you not to drink. That decision is 100% up to you. I hope you don't, because I do think it could make some physical things worse. But I don't even know that for sure. What I do know is that I care about you and it's hard to see you going through this pain. (((Brynn)))

I agree that your questions are legitimate too Brynn, I don't have any answers about them, but I completely get where you're coming from xx

Hey everyone. Just dropping by in case anyone has thought about me recently. I'm still going strong. I'm somewhere around 50 days I think. Happy Friday!!

congrats erin :)

D

Hi Brynn. Sorry to hear about your MS complications. You have a lot on your plate, and so its very understandable when we are overwhelmed by whatever circumstances, our emotions rush in to protect us, and nourish us back to a safe place. Sometimes though, this isn't as helpful as it could be, if the circumstances are formidable and enduring. When such happens, we can quickly bankrupt our emotional resources and this in turn saps our strengths, and we begin to have added difficulties on top of our original circumstances.

A kind of replay tape goes into production, and we begin to suffer beyond our endurance, and this leads to seeking outside remedies for an inside problem. Alcohol and drugs of course come to mind.

You asked if having a little relief isn't better than suffering, if I've understood your statements. I think relief is better than suffering, although the nature of said relief is critically important. When we ask of ourselves what price is freedom from suffering, we also need to ask what price is freedom itself.

I see Dee suggested having a look at my "authenticity" thread. As you know, I'm journaling my experiences with working through what life has recently served up to me. A few suggestions have said its okay for me to freak out and rant and whatever. The thing is though, the moment I choose to rage about my circumstances is the same moment I'll bankrupt my emotional resources. My emotions can not be expected to carry me through the realization that with my particular cancer, even with successful treatment, 70/80% of the patients will die around the two year mark and certainly before the 5 year mark. Not good numbers. How can my emotions be expected to bridge me across such circumstances. Not a hope in hell. However, my rational side can bridge me into a safer protective mindset, ie being in the moment with what I'm actually dealing with today, and not 2 years or even 5 years from now, and so within this safety, my emotional resources can be allowed to be free without bankrupting me.

Rationally, I can do the math on that 20/30% who do make it well past the 2 year mark. And as for the 5 year mark the numbers drop down to around 8% will survive beyond 5 years. Here again, coming to grip rationally with these circumstances frees my emotions.

Raging doesn't free me whatsoever. In fact, any wasting of my emotional resources only weakens me. Yes, there is something to be said for freaking out and ranting. I've done it. Still though, its important to pick our battles. This is not a time for me to be emotionally lost, as I come to terms with my forced circumstances, I'll indeed have opportunity to let my hair down, lol.

Its not like we need to become enlightened and sage through suffering to get to a better place, a safer place, removed from the circumstances. Its just if the circumstances overwhelm us, than we do best to think our way through rather than feel our way through. In the thinking we also discover that a return to drinking and drugging makes no sense, and so this comes off the table as an opportunity to relieve suffering.

In short then, rationally facing dire circumstances, and than seeking our emotional strengths, is almost always the best way forward. For whatever doesn't overwhelm, then direct emotional costs are easily managed.

For me Brynn, MS would absolutely qualify as an overwhelming bundle of circumstances. Please allow yourself to think as calmly as you can not about what is wrong about your MS, but more about what new opportunities are open to you directly because of these new forced circumstances. Easier said than done, believe me, I know. :)

Nonetheless, new opportunities are there. As you appraise these, you'll notice how your emotions strengthen and deepen. You'll soon enough feel much less suffering.

I hope I have been helpful in addressing your above question.

I wish and hope for you every success, Brynn.

Hey Erin! We've missed you! Good for you on 50 days!

wow. So sorry to hear how much you're hurting right now brynn. I do hope you find some relief.

Thanks for that Rob - from me :)

:You_Rock_

D