Class of October 2013 - Part 11
 

Last part here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-10-a-20.html

D

DD, keep working on those parental feelings, they run deep, but you can have peace with them. You are an insightful, good, genuine person and you're doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and your relationship with your immediate family.

I've only seriously quit one other time, but this time it feels different. For me it's similar to what Trudging said - this time my approach and insight are different - I don't like me when I'm drinking. I don't like how I relate to others when I'm drinking. I don't like feeling embarrassed the next day, wondering if I said or did something embarrassing. I'm motivated by that embarrassment, for better or for worse. Reminding myself why I'm doing this, caring about myself, checking in here and reminding myself that I can't drink like a normal person, all that helps.

In the past week someone I dated came back into my life (in a friend capacity). We dated about 3.5 years ago, I was a drunken mess during that time and in that relationship. He had his own stuff going on. It was not good. He recently apologized for his actions and I for mine. It's really stirred up some feelings in me that I can't put my finger on. I think they're mostly good (relief?), but heaviness, too (regret?). I imagine this is what it's like in AA to reconnect with people you've hurt. That accepting part is painful.

So, I reached out to recruiter today and asked her if I was still being considered for the position. Her response back shortly thereafter was that I "was still in the process", whatever that means. She also put : 0 at the end of the sentence which I thought was odd. So, I probably have to wait through the weekend to hear anything because tomorrow is probably a holiday for them. Oh well.

:O was probably a mistyped smiley face?

sounds like you're still well in the running to me, bilr :)

D

Thanks for the update Billr!

Hang in there!

Fishy

Now I know I'm doing the right thing trying to quit ! Our power meter was gone today, taken for nonpayment of bills we always keep up to date. Our bank accts are empty at the moment, the youngest has an eAr infection, up all night screaming and coughing. Just started new job yesterday, got called in today after having a root canal done. Were in the floor sleeping at "granny's double wide". I just really can't hold on to anything. Losing my sense of up and down I think.
STOP THE WORLD, I want to get off ! Geez. Only sober because I'm broke. Surrender time again. I'd go to the nuthouse but I already am IN one!! Haha

JL, I am praying for you, friend. One of my favorite sayings is this: Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so that you will discover that He is the rock at the bottom.

Whoa, JL! That's a boat-load of stuff to deal with!

Lean on us.

And, as Dory says in "Finding Nemo", just keep swimming, swimming! You're headed in the right direction!

Fishy

I hope things turn around for you JL. Sounds like it's been tough recently.

JL, you are doing the right stuff. There is no way, no how the drink helps you in any comprehensible way. Stay strong brother.

Wow Dolly, thanks for sharing. You really laid out your vulnerabilities, so thanks also for trusting us. It's a privilege ( I'd like to comment further later).

This is my first time attempting to quit. At the moment, I don't think I will ever go back. Yet I am cognizant that there may come a time that my demon starts whispering. I'll cross that bridge when/if he comes calling. I'm no longer going to live in fear of unknowns...just a waste if time.

Running it through though: I'm more like Bilr. I don't yearn to drink like " normal" people. They can have 2 or 3 drinks and walk away. I never wanted that. I never saw the point in that (like decaffeinated coffee...why?). I want more than 12 drinks (beer). I want to get f@(&ed up.

No longer want that. It's that simple.

And I don't compare sobriety to those crappy drinking moments (like most had become over the past 5 years). I compare sobriety to the very best drinking moments. Like hanging out with great friends on a beautiful Saturday floating down the Itchnetucknee River, followed by grilling on the barbecue while watching a Gator football game. There is absolutely nothing beer can do to make that day any better (is how I feel now). I just finally broke the chain.

LS wondered if we will always have to stay this focused for the rest of our lifes. It can be an overwhelming thought, but it took a tremendous amount of my resources to stay drunk. That was overwhelming. I find sobriety easier.

Openly wondering: is it easier for a drinker like me (as opposed to binge drinkers, who drank, say, on weekends only) to stay quit? What I mean is, I am all or nothing. I don't have a weekly build up to the drink. So I don't have this weekly weekend reminder of what I might be missing. Does this make sense?

I was a binge drinker who became weeks on end bender drinker then an an all day every day one...so I've run the gamut :).

I'm not sure it would have been any easier in real terms to stop at any of those points, Driver? :dunno:

D

Driver, I also found it more stressful and unmanageable to continue drinking than to remain sober. Always worrying about hiding, planning, executing my drinking became too much to deal with. I find the moments that I have to focus on sobriety to be few and far between now. Unlike the daily/hourly thoughts when I was drinking.

JL, Sorry to hear about your latest setbacks. As others have said, drinking will only make it worse. I believe we are dealt adversity to make us stronger.

JL...I agree with all of the others...you've had a rough road...but keep on "trudging"....it WILL get easier....and I, too, believe that it will eventually turn itself around. I reiterate....God (or who/what ever) keeps putting the same things in front of us to deal with until we learn the lesson. So....I guess the question is always, "What's the lesson, here?" I also agree that drinking won't make anything better. Rather, it will just add yet another problem. DD...great posting. Thanks for your honesty. Yes, parents can certainly trigger a lot of emotions, self-loathing, etc. For me, there was always some set of "expectations" that I always feeling "not good enough". Thanks, Reflection for the acknowledgement....glad you can relate (I think....lol). Billr....I never know what some of those faces mean either! New ones pop up all the time! Good luck, though! Yes, it sounds as if it will be a long weekend for many. Here, it is Semana Santa (or Holy Week) and the whole country takes off and heads to the beaches (especially Thurs-Sun). Good thing we have a large backyard, cuz the beach is packed! Hubby is sleeping a lot, and complaining about a lack of energy/motivation. I keep telling him that this is "normal"...just to give it a few days....but he is not happy about it. I guess he might be feeling the familiar feeling of not liking who he is, right now. Me? I have begun the appeal letter to the President of the University. It is due by Tues., so I will be diligently working on it for the next few days....but, I gotta say....I think that I GOT THIS! I truly believe that I have a VERY strong case and plan to talk to a lawyer at the beginning of next week. Will be seeking compensatory damages, reinstatement, and punitive damages.....so there! Happy Good Friday to those who celebrate!

Driver and Bilr, it's interesting to see your perspective - as I drink my decaf coffee :lmao I think I'm on the opposite side because I was a binge drinker (though well on my way to becoming an every day drinker). I desperately want to be a "normal" drinker. Sometimes I was, and I'd only have a drink or two. However, that tricked me into thinking I really was a normal drinker, which would give me the green light to drink and then I'd drink everything I could. Fortunately, this time around in getting sober, I know with every fiber of my being that I am NOT a normal drinker and I never, NEVER will be. I do agree that it is easier to be sober than it is to be a drinker. I'm less of an all-or-nothing person, though, so I think I need to work a little harder to keep in mind that a single drink will certainly lead me down the wrong path. At least I've learned that lesson.

Trudging and Bilr, sending you both good juju for the job situations. JL, I hope things turn around for you. You're doing the right thing, and that's all anyone can ever do. Sending you good juju, too!

I saw a great quote this morning that I wanted to share with you all: You may think the grass is greener on the other side, but if you take the time to water your own grass, it will be just as green.

I like that saying, LS. It is going into my sobriety journal. I had a very strange experience yesterday. I had to get a crown and another large filling replaced. They gave me a script for Vicodin, but for a while I felt fine. Then the novacaine started wearing off and my jaw started throbbing big-time, so I took a Vicodin. Now, pain meds have never been "my kind of high." I don't like the groggy, slow feel to them. And honestly, I observed yesterday that they really don't even take the pain away. They moreso make it so you don't mind the pain. Anyway, it is the first time I have felt any kind of unnatural high since I have quit drinking and I was a bit nervous that it would trigger something in me, but luckily, it didn't. I was able to sleep through the night and I still feel annoyingly groggy, but the pain is pretty much gone, so the rest of those pills are going into the garbage. It kind of made me feel sad for my old self that I was always looking for an unnatural escape. It feels so much better to really be present and alive and fully vibrant.

Bilr, when I have made that face: :0 I mean it to represent screaming, like Oh, yikes, I am so overwhelmed with everything right now. I think one of the most frustrating things about job interviewing is that while it is our number one focus, we forget that our job situation is just one of many situations on the employer's plate. So, I think it is a good sign. :)

As far as which kind of drinking is harder to quit, I think it comes down to this. If you are not a healthy drinker, it is hard no matter what. People who can drink responsibly, don't have to play any mind games. They don't have to count drinks or limit drinks to certain days or times. For us, the minute we drink one drink, all bets are off.

LS - love, love, love that quote! Thank you for sharing.

I started as a binge drinker, then moved on to drinking more frequently and in larger quantities, although not every night and never at work. I fall firmly in the "high functioning alcoholic" category. I'm not sure I like that label so much. Sure, I looked like I was functioning to everyone else, but inside and at home I was doing exactly the opposite.

I think it's hard to quit no matter what - there are triggers hiding around every corner! Daily vigilance and staying connected to oneself and what's important (me, my life, my friends and family, my house, my old, loud cat, etc...) helps me.

JL - We're here for you. Hang in there. Bilr - I don't want to jump to conclusions, but that smiley seems very promising. Sending you both buckets of good thoughts.

Ok, ’tobers, I've got a date tomorrow...this one seems promising - a non-drinking pastry chef, right up my alley! It's funny, my previous first dates were always in bars, but dating a non-drinker you actually go out and do stuff - fun stuff - imagine that!

My sister was trying to be helpful the other day by mentioning that there is a whole line of non-alcoholic wine now. I just laughed. It has become so clear to me now that I like alcohol for one thing and one thing only, like Driver said, to get f*&cked up. I would never put non-alcoholic wine calories into my body, because in my mind, they are a total waste of calories.

Have a wonderful date, Reflection. I like the initial sounds of him and I like that you had some kind of closure with the other guy, as uncomfortable as that might have been. :)

Hello Octoberites!

Yes, I'm still on Planet Earth and still amoung the ranks of the sober. I can only attribute my absence to being busy and sloth.

Trudging ... Thanks again for the note asking about my status. I deeply appreciate you reaching out.

Reading some recent posts, I have to admit that my current feelings about drinking are along the line of LS's. I still harbor thoughts of being a normal drinker. I know where a single drink would lead, but I do sometimes wish I could enjoy a glass of wine with dinner or a cold beer after a dusty baseball game. I'm not giving in, but the desire is still present. I'm beginning to think that while the voice will hopefully continue to diminish in volume, it will never completely go away.

What a coincidence! My neighbor taped the very same quote to my front door the other day. What's up with that?!

Carry on 'Tobers.

Glad that you are still with us and sober, Whodey!! :)

WD! Good to see you! The universe must be trying to tell you something with the quote? I saw it on Facebook so it must be making the rounds on there, but it's a good one. I think I might make a sign and tape it to my own door!

Reflection, I hope this date works out well! Sounds like you have a great attitude about dating and being aware of what you're looking for and what you want/don't want in your life. Good for you! And a pastry chef...that sounds tasty ;)

DD, although I do drink decaf coffee (but sometimes regular), I feel the same way you do about nonalcoholic wine and beer. I'd much rather have something that tastes better for the calories. I don't want to be reminded of the taste of beer or wine because I have a feeling that the only thing it'll accomplish is making me crave beer or wine. Forget that! I don't even want to go there. What's the point? I'd rather change my drink completely so that I can change my thinking about it. I'll be enjoying fresh juice or iced tea on my balcony and on restaurant patios this summer. It was nice of your sister to bring it up, but I think people don't really understand unless they've done this themselves.

Hey Who, so nice to see you back here…glad you're doing well! Almost 6 months for the two of us. I hear you about the sloth.

I like the idea of taping that quote - everywhere! :)

All of you know that I was an, at home, by myself drinker for the most part. Last night I had a bit of a test with my wife and daughter away for a visit to FSU, and my son who was out with friends. So it was just me alone by myself (with the dogs). I had a couple of moments where I thought, "why not drink", "nobody will know". It was never really a serious thought but I have to be honest and say it was there in the back of my mind. I just view it as another passed test that should strengthen me going forward. I played the tape forward to today forward, knowing that last night would have just opened the floodgates to hell. I got through seasons 1-5 of The Office months ago, and put a pretty good dent in season 6 last night. I think the stress of waiting for an answer on the job, and the boredom of being alone was not a good combination.

Best of luck reflection :)

Bilr - I've often said it's not our thoughts that are the measure of our recovery, but what we do in response.

I think you definitely passed :)

good to see you WhoDey, DD and trudging - hope things are better JL :)

Have a wonderful day - night gang! :)
D

Good job, Bilr!!

Sorry I forgot you Fish - you too Driver and LS...murphys law...:D

D

Bilr, that is a tough situation, I completely understand...great job and good choice not giving into the thoughts!

The date went well, maybe another one sometime soon. It was great not drinking, it felt healthy and like two people just bejng themselves, no pretense. I'm looking forward to more sober dating!

Happy Easter, Tobers!