Class of August 2013 Part 5
 

continues from here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-4-a-20.html

D

Kadidee, Yes sometimes nurse practitioners are great. Ive worked with some that are better than most doctors. I hope she will call me back tomorrow. She's the one who might take my insurance and she said on the voicemail she calls back within 24 hours.

As for the doctor who has a great rep, I'll deal with the woman in the office, I'll just set it up for after my trip.

My doctor gives me a good deal because he knows I don't have the money of the other patients and I've been there for a long time. He cuts me a lot of breaks. And I have quick access to him, day or night. It's just that I need fresh eyes on this situation. It can't hurt to have consults with 2 others.

I'll let you know if I need that name Jaynie, sounds like a great doc

TY

Elseware here on Day12. The sun is shining, I was able to sleep last night. All is good, I guess. Feel ok. Very tired still, with no energy. My goal for today is to go to my yoga class. Walk a couple miles. Go over to the neighbors and raid her garden. Lets see if I do any of that. Or one of it. Last evening I actually barbecued a couple things for dinner. That was good. I weighed myself this morning and I'm downright skinny. To be very frank, opiates do a very bad number on your gut. It feels wonderful to be free and empty of that at long last.

Have appointment with nurse practitioner on the 23rd. She sounds ok.

I went to go out with my friend for coffee and a bagel and as soon and we got to the place I could not stay. I was feverish and dizzy, and super irritable. So I'm back in bed. This is all depression type symptoms that prozac used to clear. It's a lot of complicated things I bet. I am on my 3rd day of prozac it should do something in a couple of days to help a little. I hope.

Thanks, Dee!! I am definitely going to try urge surfing whenever I get another craving. Good stuff!

Hello all - Elseware, glad you are doing well. Johnny, hope you feel better soon. I guess I'm on day 16 losing track of my count a little, but everything looks bright. I get thoughts about drinking now and again, but it isn't taking much effort to push them away. I am lucky, I still have a good life.

I had 2 big tasks on my list this past weekend, only got 1 done as I had allergies pretty bad on Sunday and decided to cut myself some slack. That's 1 more than I would have done drinking, so I'm ok with that.

I'm off to finish my hump day, will be back around this evening.

:)

[QUOTE=foolsgold66;4174886]

I love that thought....I am definitely not setting world records for productivity right now, but I guess I am staying sober.

Hi folks. day 12 was an ok day....didn't do much but I did do a yoga DVD which was extremely difficult since 6 weeks of not doing anything but lay around was very debilitating. But I felt great once it was done....for about a half hour. But for a bit I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Having flashes of thoughts of using again but not seriously considering it. Sort of thinking how I would have acted just 6 weeks ago. And I don't have the slightest desire for alcohol. I am seeing a doc tomorrow. Just to talk about my health and get an evaluation. I'll probably lie by omission but I do want to get a baseline as of this point. I'm hoping that I have not damaged myself beyond repair. I could not have made it this far without this safe place to express myself. Oh, and just an observation, if your are my age and lose 15 lbs in 6 weeks, don't put on yoga pants and go anywhere. It is just not pretty.

[QUOTE=jaynie04;4174898] I know just how you feel. Let's consider that productivity! Thanks!

Hi all. Feeling emotional and kind of weepy. I have to go to the dentist tomorrow and feel so stressed that my skin is tingling. I left an abusive marriage some years ago. The PTSD is not as acute as when I first got out, but I'm triggered when I have to go to the gyn or dentist. My ex-husband used to hit and kick me a lot in the face and strangle me until I passed out. I go into fight or flight mode when someone touches my face or neck. This usually results in a meltdown and sobbing. One second I'll be fine and the next I'm wailing and rocking. It is so embarrassing and makes me feel very out of control and self-conscious. This has happened before when I had to go for an ear infection and once when I was getting a massage. It's not a rational thing--I don't consciously fear the doctors, but the touch triggers something awful that I haven't learned to control. I've learned to just tell new doctors up front that this might happen. I'm also nervous because I have receding gums and think I might need some sort of graph surgery around one tooth, which means that I'll have to go back to the dentist again after tomorrow. I've been avoiding going for a year, which is not a good idea--it has made the recession worse and I've only put off the inevitable. When I quit drinking, I decided to finally take care of some things that need to be taken care of and so I'm going tomorrow to a new dentist, a woman that comes highly recommended by a friend.

Also, I agreed to do something for a colleague at work when I didn't really want to and am also not obligated to do. She has seniority and I am up for tenure next year--she will be a part of this process. So I'm doing this thing for her tomorrow (after the dentist appointment) and I am resentful and mad at myself for saying yes. It's a long, complicated story that I won't go into--what I agreed to do is not even a big deal and won't take much time, but I'm mad at myself that I said yes to it anyway. I think I need to set better boundaries with this colleague so that I don't harbor resentment and feel powerless.

Anyhoo, the good news is that I don't feel like drinking. My latest netflix addiction is "The Wire" so I'm going to watch some of that and try to relax. Then maybe take a bath with lavender Epsom salts.

I think I'm facing something like that too Kadidee - good luck tomorrow :)

D

Good luck tomorrow Kadidee. I hope that verbalizing your triggers to the doctors help you empower yourself. It sounds like you have a lot of clarity.

Elsewhere I am living in yoga pants and it isn't pretty, but I need to lose 15, wish I could gift them to you...we are pretty hard on ourselves.

I am starting to realize yesterday the negative stream of thoughts (about myself) that go through my head during the day. I'm too fat, I'm getting old, look at how together that person is, will I ever be normal? Lord, I waste so much time and energy being self critical. I am making an effort to pay attention when those thoughts come up, I think they keep me down.

I am really glad to be among the kindness here at SR...:)!

We had a speaker when I was inpatient who got up and the first thing he said is "you are all courageous". I agree. It takes a lot of guts to be working so hard on getting and staying clean and sober. Props to all of us!

Kadidee, Yuck, the dentist is bad enough without all you bring to it. I hope it goes well. It's good that you tell them up front. They are pros there and will be able to help you through it if need be. I had a bad time at the dentist once and they knew just how to handle everything. It came out ok. Good luck. I hope your mouth problems are not too bad. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Me too, Jaynie. Pretty consistent stream of those kinds of thoughts. I think that paying attention to them though, like you said, really helps. I've read buttloads of self-help literature on this topic, and a lot of it talks about how these are just thoughts, we can change or replace our thoughts, etc. I hope that by staying sober I can actually start working on this instead of looking for a quick fix. BTW, I think that you are WONDERFUL. I love, love your posts. :)

Thanks, Elseware. I think I will feel better once it's done because I've been stressing about it for ages and picturing the absolute worst outcome like death or getting my jaw sawed off. It surely won't be that bad ;)

And rock those yoga pants, girl. Wish I could offer you some of the wine weight that I'm working on losing to fill them out...:)

Good morning...

Hi I everyone. So proud of you for trying everyday and hope you are proud of yourselves.

Someone was writing about the stream of negative thoughts. I too was surprised a couple months after quitting by the the negative thoughts I was telling myself. Some of them were about low self worth and some were about helplessness and others about hopelessness. All of them surprised me. I had squelched them when drinking for so long that I honestly thought I didn't have such thoughts! But of course I didn't remember much day to day anyway.

So what I wanted to say was I ended up using the AVRT process with the thoughts. I called them my helpless/hopeless/worthless voice and decided they were a pack of lies my brain was hooked on just like with alcohol. Using AVRT with them really helped me notice them and eventually detach and ignore them. It still does.

Anyway just wanted to say how much you all inspire me. Everyday. Your courage gives me courage too. :c011:

That's a great idea, EQ! AVRT for negative thoughts, who knew? It makes sense, though. I wonder if some part of us becomes addicted to those negative thoughts...

Kadi: I think I was definitely addicted to them and always will be just like alcohol. And they change the brain like alcohol does too.

Yes. I read somewhere that over time, those negative thoughts form new neural pathways in our brain...like tiny little ruts. These pathways get stronger the longer we feed them. As such, it's easier and easier to slip into and get stuck in loops of negative thinking. BUT, the good news is that supposedly we can re-wire our brain to form healthier patterns of thinking. I like the visual of this...the dark, murky pathways turning into lighter, brighter ones.

Well put Kadi: I like that image too!

Jaynie, productivity and lack thereof has been an issue in my life for a long time now. I have a tendency to take on situations that require a tremendous amount of work without being realistic about my capabilities, time, etc. In the heat of the moment I feel like superman, but over time reality sets in and I become frustrated and discouraged, and resentful of the situation itself. The way such things can overwhelm and monopolize my life is very discouraging.

I've tried to drink it away and that doesn't work. I know I need to learn to be more patient with myself, be more wary of how much I take on, and learn to cut my losses. I need to learn not to feel like a failure over these things.

It's a lifelong process for me, sober or not, it's really an aspect of the excesses of my personality. Perhaps I'll get it all figured out right before I die. :)

Out of 31 days, I consumed wine on 6.
I'm thrilled to have 25 days of healing. I'm on day 4 again now.
Get home from work, chat with wife and son, after dinner long bike ride, then we are watching episodes of breaking bad. then in bed by 10:15.

The weekends have been the problem. Tomorrow starts another, and I'm mentally preparing myself to fight back against the AV and win this time.

w2r - Weekends are a huge trigger for me. I drank nonstop from the time I got off from work until early Sunday evening. I even woke up drunk on Monday mornings on many occasions and had to call in sick. I now make plans in advance for the weekends and I always get my shopping and To-Do-List ready on Thursday. I have to stock up on sugar and flavored sparkling water. Those two combined seem to shut my AV up most of the time. I also jog on Saturday and Sunday mornings now and the feeling I get from running in fantastic.

Can you make a plan today for the weekend ahead? You will win this time if you plan accordingly. I am cheering for you!

Kadidee - How did your appointment at the dentist go today? I have been thinking of you.

Elseware - I am glad you are hanging in there. Seeing your doctor for a health assessment is a good thing. I hope all turns out well for you. I had to laugh at your comment about your yoga pants. Keep up the awesome work.

________________________

I am a bit high strung and anxious today trying to get all my ducks in a row for this weekend. I think I am just scared that the AV will come on even stronger this weekend that it did last Friday. I am utilizing AVRT and HALT and it has helped. It just seems the longer I go without drinking the more vicious the voice becomes. I know I will come out of this a stronger and a better person if I don't drink, but damn getting through it as a
b!tch. I am just glad I have SR to lean on if I feel I can't handle the urge. I just hate dealing with it. But, I think we all do.

Stay strong everyone and lets make this another sober free weekend. I will be thinking of all of you.

I could have written this myself! I can totally identify with this behavior. Glad we're on the right track now!!

So I drank and remember nothing.

Not good here. Slept for the majority of the day yesterday. My meds that saved my life are now useless. It's like your HIV meds just stop working and you start to die. Thats how bad this is.

I'm feel utterly hopeless and in despair. MY psychiatrist is not calling back. I called yesterday at about 4 so he may call later.

I had to cancel the trip to Florida. I feel terrible about it, my friend was really looking forward to going and I wanted to get out of here. Even though disney is not my style, it would have been nice and then we were going to the beach and I wanted to do that.

If I had insurance for more than 3 days inpatient in a hell hole I would check myself in to a Psychiatric hospital.

johnny - I am sorry to hear about your slip. It is just a bump in the road. You need to pick yourself up and keep on driving. The road eventually gets smoother.

That is to bad about your Disney trip. Is there a reason why you had to cancel it?

All of you! Keep fighting the good fight! There are no words to say how much I'd like to put my arms around all of you. I KNOW all these feelings. The negative thoughts, the excessive personality, the laying around in bed from depression, the wishing you could just check out, the self medication, self recriminations...I don't know what to say to make anybody feel better. I just want to be here for you. I read every post. And I miss some who are not posting anymore. Today is day 13 for me. I saw a doctor today. A psychiatrist who prescribed an antidepressant. I am shamed to say I did not tell the truth. I lied by omission. I mean I really lied like a pro. (which I am I guess). I am just too ashamed to tell the truth. But I don't lie here and I don't lie to my husband.

Johnny: sorry you are suffering. Please don't be hard on yourself, just expect more next time.

Elsewhere: thanks! I really love your positive energy and your caring way.

It's the 12th today so I'm officially ONE MONTH sober! I think this is the longest I've gone without even a sip of alcohol since I was probably 15 or 16. I'm 30 now. Thats half my life! Yikes!

Staring to notice that i have more energy day by day. Took the kids on a super long bike ride with bike trailer (that means pulling 70+ pounds behind me!) and it felt so good! I wish we weren't coming up on winter. Thank goodness for the treadmill. Maybe I can start to burn off some of the junk I've been eating.