Thanks Serene, well still sober today and had something to eat although not a lot. My father has gone down to town to see a friend so im on my own in the country for the evening, still a beautiful day here its 6.30pm now, might for a walk up the fields in a bit for fresh air.

Its interesting what you observed with my relapses always starting with me walking into the pub, I think ironically I get off the alcohol, start to feel normal or better about myself and then go to the pub for the company and conversation as mad and insane as that seems and it does to me reading it back. As sad as it sounds since losing my job last year ive had a lack of a social life, I live with an elderly relative and don't have a circle of friends that live near- apart from my old workmates, who all drink and all meet in the pub.

Its hard to readjust my life to a total change in friends and social activity, I suppose if im honest im totally out of my comfort zone when mixing with others sober, I have a good friend in aa but he has a family and I only see him at meetings I attend, its up to me at the end of the day to change my life and there are things aswell as stopping drinking I need to change for that to happen.

The booze has played such a major part of my life that its sort of sucked the life dry out of the rest of my life and that needs to change. Thanks again and well done everyone on they're respective milestones and achievements ive lost track but il stay on track now and catch up.

Venus - Wonderful to hear your story. You bring such a source of light and good energy to the boards, and I'm even more appreciative knowing where you were when you joined. Thanks for sharing!

WeHav & Dee - Thank you for sharing yours as well. It feels great to be among like company with great folks who can empathize!

Wehav - congrats on anxiety improvements. Isn't it awesome!

Ok. I'm starting Day 5, no smoking. Feeling much more calm than a couple of days ago & the holiday weekend means less opportunity for stress.

Interestingly, I had a diet coke yesterday and started to feel horrible - really bad headache, vision issues, side started to hurt, etc. I had to leave work. Turns out that aspartame is a serious neurotoxin. I knew it wasn't healthy but had it in the category of 'lesser vices.'

I can't be sure that's what caused my symptoms. But after reading about it, I've decided to quit that too. Doing 2 quits almost at the same time wil be tricky, so I'll have an order of operations if things get sticky. I'm super motivated, tho, after feeling so bad yesterday.

This will definitely be a push. Looking forward to feeling better though!

Hi 1step -

Glad to hear that you ate something & up for enjoying some fresh air!

Sounds like you're honing in on what you need to have a fulfilling sober life. Building a new social circle outside of drinking can be tough, but it's so important .

AA can really shine here with it's focus on community. Why not ask after meeting if anyone is up for coffee afterwards? I imagine there are other folks like you who feel a little weird initiating, but would appreciate the camaraderie.

You've mentioned that you've re-focused on AA again (which is fantastic!). Since you're not working at the moment, why not check out a bunch of meetings, not because of the meeting content per say (always a bonus), but to jump start meeting people? Similarly, there are interest group meet ups, etc, outside of AA. It will take a couple of trials till you find the right fit for you & it won't happen over night, but you will get there!

Idea!: could you think of 'creating your sober social network' as your current temp job? You could set up milestones like "say hi to X number of people today', or 'attend 3 meet ups this week' or 'asked 1 person to coffee this week' - whatever seems like it would be just a stretch out of your comfort zone - and then repeat each week, increasing it as it starts to feel easier.

You have a tremendous amount to offer!

Thanks Serene il try some of those suggestions, think ive got used to avoiding social activities that don't involve drink and need to get used to them more, suppose in some ways ive been too much of a lone wolf!, ironically a lot of the time in the pub id be sat alone til I got drunk enough to have the confidence to talk to someone and by then I was too drunk to have a decent conversation and then blackout and not remember so it is an insane thing alcoholism!

In my area meetings are quite limited and mostly at night which is a shame really but I guess its supply and demand. Il try to break through this comfort zone ive created.

I think I'm in trouble guys. But I've noticed it, so here i am. I've just been talking myself into making this a 100 day thing. Or rather the addictive voice has! It was trying to convince me I'm better now, I'm not addicted any more, I was, now I'm not. But, fortunately what has brought me back is that if I no longer have a problem, I wouldn't be thinking about how much I don't have a problem, obsessing over when and where and with whom I can drink again. Doesn't sound very cured to me! It's a catch 22 for alcohol that works in my favour. If I don't have a problem with alcohol I won't want to drink, if I do have a problem I shouldn't drink. Both cases result in me staying sober. Phew! But now I've calmed down a bit, boy that was a bit scary, it was planning on writing down a list of drinking rules! Don't drinking in the house, don't drink alone...it sounded like the best idea ever. Now it sounds bat **** crazy! I feel schizophrenic. But somewhere somehow I've found the sense to come here and think it through. I like being sober. Boohoo. This is mental. I think I'm better, for now anyway.

Oh yeah I bought cigarettes, :-(

Easy- I'd like to share a letter with you I wrote to myself right after I quit. It's been really helpful for me maybe you could write one to yourself?

Dear Melissa,

The answer is No.
No, you cannot have a glass of wine on holidays. No, you have not magically grown out of this problem. No, just one drink does not work for you. You are an alcoholic and the answer is no. No, No, No.

You've been in hospitals, police stations, and bottomless pits of shame. You've hurt the people you love and you've hurt yourself. You've made this promise before and broken it but not this time, the answer is no.

Remember how bad it is? When your puking your guts out trying to make it through a shift? When you can't remember all those mortifying details from the night before? When you are withdrawing from this poison, stuck in bed for days on end? That will not happen again because the answer is no.

Look at how much you have accomplished since you wrote this, how wonderful, stable, and healthy your life has become. You've worked so hard, done so well. You deserve happiness. Whatever the reason that brought you to this letter today it's not worth it. Drinking is not and never will be an option for you. You will be strong and your answer will always be no.

P.S. I love you.

Mellissa's letter is great ER - read that a few times then go back and read some old posts of yours too - you've been here before...

you're fine because you're not drinking, not because you've been reset or cured.

I think it's time to accept that, just like the rest of us, you're both not ok and very ok, y'know? :)

D

That's a fantastic letter Mellissa, great idea and one that I might employ myself, need to remember how bad the day ones are.

ER you've done great, wish I could have stayed as strong as you've been since first joining this class- I haven't, I have made mistake after mistake ignoring the fact that I cant have one drink because it always ended up in how I feel back after the latest binge, on day one full of regret. Alcohol is poison to me never a friend

Huge hug 1stepup. I will read your post....but in the meantime, I a SO glad you're here. That says to me that you want this very much.

And as you said, you're young, and I know it was a huge struggle for me at your age. I felt cheated; I wanted to have fun and not be burdened with this disease.

If only I had realised back then that sobriety is the only true freedom I would ever know. But it takes a little time for the good changes to happen, and unfortunately 1step, you are not giving yourself the time you need to start the healing.

Of course you're depressed, and anxious and all sorts of awful stuff. I know. We all do. That's the way this thing works, you drink again after not drinking, and it can be even more disturbing to our bodies and minds than before...

The only thing you have to do today is not pick up that cider. You can think about what you can do differently later, but for now, it's one day at a time.

Take all of our support and love, and know that you are not alone.

Venus xx

Mel, that letter is wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

If you remember, you suggested to us that we go back and look at our first posts here, and I did that at 47 days....it makes a huge difference Easy. Go back, read what you said when you came here; listen to the pain we were all in...

If I may, I'd like to add something that I posted in a forum yesterday...

I guess for me, as an alcoholic there is one certainty: cravings are inevitable - it's a tricky disease.

But finding ways to get through these crazy head-spinning moments is empowering.
Ever time I say NO, the little demon screaming at me to drink is getting harder to hear.

And waking up sober the next day? Feeling proud? I love that feeling. It's worth fighting for!!!


Thank you Serene :)

And love to all,

Venus xx

"Every binge I have seems worse than the last and im scared where all this is gona end, sorry for long rant but im really feeling low right now.... " 1stepup

I'm sorry, I hijacked a quote from the May class forum... Because we hear you 1stepup;
so many of us have been where you are right now. This can only end in a few ways. You know what they are.

So you have a choice now hun. You can keep allowing this to spiral, or you can say no. All over again. Do what it takes to find your peace of mind, but know this ~ it is NOT in the alcohol. And yes you crave it; so do I. But we do not need it! That is a lie that our heads just keep on telling us... Don't listen.

Love you lots,

V xx

Thanks Venus for you lovely words of support, its 2.30am here now and I cant sleep so reading through this site, got through the day without a drink so that's good. I do feel embarrassed by my slips and posting them on here, but I do feel I need to be honest and accountable and you guys in this class have been there through the ups and downs.

I want to stop all this and want to have a happy life, and rebuild trust with my family and know this can only happen if I don't touch that first drink. Ive got a BIG rebuilding job on getting back all the things ive lost and it can all seem overwhelming, but il try and plan my days more and not just muddle through. x

Oh I have so gone missing from this thread!! Almost 2 months sober though. I'll start catching up...

Congrats Pamel! That's fantastic!

Mel - Great letter!

EZ- great job being tuned in and catching your thinking. Here is a link to an article that I posted previously on the thread about stages of recovery that may be helpful reference http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3914150

1step - Congrats on making through 1 day. You can do this. This time is the one that matters & the rest were helpful learning to help you be more successful this time.

Odelle? How are you doing? Let us know!

I made it through my first major alcohol party yesterday, without incident or interest. It was good to get out and see people whom I haven't seen for 6 months or so. Several people remarked how healthy and relaxed I looked, so that is a bonus! - 128 days.

Day 5 down on smoking (I think - Tuesday marks 1 week) - I thought about it twice, so cravings are reducing in intensity. The real test will be next week when I go back to work.

Aspartame avoidance is crazier - I had no idea how many things have aspartame that are a part of my routine. Really interesting to take inventory. Day 2

128/5/2 - (my own little count)

Thanks serene, I think my ship is drifting. I went to a party today with alcohol about, but made it through ok. Lots of talk of birthdays and stag parties. Holidays. All involving alcohol. All I realistically, can't go to if I'm serious about staying abstinent, and I am. But it ain't easy. I did have lots of compliments on my new svelte physique lol and that I'm looking healthy which was nice. I just need to stay sober, and hopefully these annoying thoughts will pass.

I'm puppy sitting now. He's just having a little sleep. My friends will still be out drinking. I sort of feel lost and unsure. I want the answers but I don't know the question. Bleh, at least I'm sober. I want ice cream.

Ice cream sounds like a grand idea! I might just follow your lead and have some too :)

Ice Cream + Puppy + 'New Svelte Physique' = Awesome^3

Recovery isn't easy....I've notice that my moods and thoughts shift a lot. What a difference a week or even a day will make! Hang in there! You can do this.

----

Edit - Do you know what brings you back to center when you feel yourself start to drift?

SR. Without a doubt. Coming here. Reading. Posting. Caring about other people instead of focusing on my own drama....

Love that you are asking these questions Serene; it's really keeping me in touch with why I came here, and adding a really good tool to all of our recovery. :)

Venus xx

SR for me too.

D

SR for me too. That article 2 to 5 months describes me exactly. I feel down, lack enthusiasm, can't think straight. I'd love to try exercise, but it's the last thing I want to do right now. Stay sober and it will pass, eventually.

Hi all... I hope everyone in the states had an enjoyable holiday. And everyone outside the states enjoyed your Monday. I'm just checking in.

Sounds as if we're all in a bit of a funk.

SE- for me, when I start to drift, I think of the progress I've made in such a short time period and all I stand to lose... And, what I've lost quite frankly.

I also reach out to people in the program... They've really been keeping me grounded. I've needed supporting hands... Literally picking me up off the floor lately. But- at least I'm feeling something... And there are good times too and new friendships... It's not all doom & gloom,

Venus- I hope things are brightening a bit for you!

Love to All,
SB