Class of June 2011 part 12
 

new year, new thread :)

we continue from here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-11-a-20.html

D

Blimey, this is the first thread that I have got to kick-off!

Morning All. Another sober morning ... perfect.

Instant, I am glad all went well. My slight problem was my father in law repeatedly telling me to have a drink. But, though something to keep in mind, it wasn't a problem. He is beginning to realise that I have stopped drinking.

Tipping, have the boys made that from scratch or is the temple a package (if you get what I mean?)? I was never allowed to have sets to build. Instead, I had just lego blocks to 'encourage my creativity'. If building single-story houses is creative then I must be on the same level as da Vinci'. Great photo!

Well, 2012 stands before us. I have a huge amount of work to do this year to get my business properly up and running ... a lot of reading, writing and travelling to create products, a great deal of marketing to get business and the delivery of the products themselves. All, whilst doing substitute teaching to pay the bills!

One day I will look back (hopefully sipping sobertinis on an island somehwere), and think how wonderful this time of my life was, to be alive, to be living and to be sober!

Happy New Year and let us all make it a bloody good one!

Chimp!

Happy new year peeps, now in the Jan 2012 class, but do still check in from time to time

PB

Morning All!

If my spelling is wrong blame the cat walking all over the keyboard!

Great to hear from you Paddy!

Another morning sober and free of anxiety, a sore head, a horrible taste and the feeling that I was letting myself down.

Freedom, freedom is everything!

Chimp!

I am happy it is going well for you Rory. Steve you sound great. I have not done my taxes for a few years, I did one year when I got a nasty letter just before xmas. Now they want me to do the year before that as well. So much for the high functioning alcoholic (LOL). I am pleased I can cope with the stress of it all and not use it as an excuse to complain about the world. I am pleased to give the tax inspectors some work in these austere times when everyone is calling for small government.

Good luck Instant! I have that up and coming in a few months.

OK, I have made a decision.

When I was 17 I joined the Territorial Army. I loved it. I was an infantrymen and had the opportunity to go overseas when I was 18 on regular deployment but decided to go to university instead. I left the TA and my drinking started.

Throughout my 20s I regretted my decision. It was definitely an excuse to drink. An excuse that lasted 10 years. Throughout that 10 years I wanted to re-enlist but I did not have the bottle. I was scared. Told myself I wasn't good enough. Told myself I was fat! Well I was because I was drinking and eating crap. And then a vicious cylce started because I told myself that I wasn't fit enough to join. I would be laughed at. That I need to get fit first. And of course I never did.

Now I am 30 and I am fed up of excuses. Tomorrow, I am going to the barracks, overwight and unfit. My knee hurts, my ankle hurts, my back hurts but they are excuses.

If I don't do it, go down there and get on with it, I will always regret it. If they don't want me, for whatever reason, then I will find out either in the selection process or the basic training.

I will give it my best shot and just do it. I have nothing to lose.

And of course, I will be sober day by day. The TA will definitely bring new tests but all life will. I have to do it or I will always regret it.

Thanks,

Chimp!

great news Steve. Don't die with the music in you, follow your dream

Hi Chimp

I was a Royal Fusilier in the city of London reg, we were a TA unit, and the only Unit allowed to march with bainits fixed when we done the lord majors show, wow miss them days, but at 43 years old, my time has passed. Good Luck mate.

Hi guys - nice to see everyone doing well. Paddy, I'm sure glad you stop by and visit the June thread! I had another of those dreaded drinking dreams last night so my sleep was turned upside down. I haven't had many of those, but they suck. :)

The best thing is waking up knowing that nothing happened. I don't take much stock in dreams - it's more of a minor inconvenience to me.

Today is day 222!! So thankful for all the success I've had and happy to know how alcohol can be a formidable enemy. It took alot of tries and countless failures day after day. I learned from my last long term stint to not say I'm out of the woods or to get too cocky. You'll hear no boasting from Leo today! hehehe!! Everyone have a great day!

Evening All!

Well, I went to the barracks after ten years of putting it off and got all my forms. The problem will be the medical questionnaire ... anxiety!!! I got home and was very deflated so e-mailed them, stated that between April and August last year I was off due to anxiety caused by being in a job that I hated, stuck in a classroom and though signed off anxious wasn't taking the pills that were initially prescribed. I explained that I have set up my wn business, which includes being responsible for the wellbeing and safety of a lot of people and that I know I could be an effectibe member of their unit.

Well, I will just have to wait and see. It would have come out anyway in the next couple of weeks so we'll see.

Anyway, I am sober and I got down there. I will fill out the forms and will go down there again next week because I want it. As I said yesterday, if the decisions I made in the past BECAUSE I WAS AN ALCOHOLIC BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE FOR MY PROBLEMS AND DECISIONS AND NOT ME then that is my fault!

But I am sober now and I have the power to change certain things and many I don't but those things I can change, I will.

Chimp!

Steve keep it up you never know what will happen.

I am feeling so much freer these days. I have a lot of work stress and I have low back problems but I still think things are going well. I just like the freedom of sober living.

Morning all and a slightly belated happy new year!

Paddy so good to hear from you how are you doing? Glad you are continuing the good fight.

Chimp you sound great - are you still going to AA - speaking to other alcoholics? Ive been advised its best not to make any major life decisions in early sobriety - its certainly taking me time to adjust - even though I feel comfortable not drinking and today marks 7 months for me I know I have a long way to go in my recovery and taking things slow and putting sobriety first. Go for your dreams but consider them carefully and discuss with your sponsor if you have one.

Leo you are an inspiration ive not even considered giving up smoking yet but hopefully at some point I will want to enough to tackle that.

Instant I have to submit a tax return by the end of this month to avoid a penalty - mountains of paperwork to catch up on still but I will do it - I might even make a start today.

So how did you all find Christmas - was it a struggle at all? I had a few moments of discomfort and wistfullness but it was a breeze compared to the early days when I still had lots of cravings. New years eve was the hardest I stayed in so I was safe but I craved to feel some kind of euphoria - Im hoping to achieve that naturally when I get further with my steps - Im going through 8 again with my sponsor on Saturday so I can make a start on 9 - the one I dread the most but its time to get it done and hopefully the promises in the big book will all come true. Many of them have already.

Ive been a little unwell and off work yesterday and today with an upset stomach - I would probably be ok today but im not confident I will feel comfortable enough to perform well at work - so I will try and make use of the time at home instead of playing games on facebook which is really becoming almost a problematic addiction. I may have to treat it like booze and stop completely if I cant reduce the amount of time I spend playing them. I do enjoy it though so I hope I can achieve a better control on my time spent doing that. Is there a gaming addiction section in this site?

Anyway Im very grateful to you all for your continued support and updates and I hope we hear from some of the others who have been quiet for a while - just to know they are ok and keep in touch.

Love to you all xx

Hi pumpkin.congratulations on 7months. Over Xmas I stayed with family and caught up with friends. I really don,t have any desire to drink. Life is better without alcohol and I remain very aware of the risks in going back to it I pray I can stay in this state. I think humility and gratitude are important, in staying on track, in addition to thinking of the needs of others.

I bought my self an iPad as a reward (hence the bad typing!!)

Hope you feel better soon PS - congrats on 7 months :)
good to see you back Instant :)

D

Those rewards are pretty nice, aren't they? ;)

It's good to be back Dee !!

Great to see you Instant!

Still sober and content.

Speak soon!

Full moon tonight. The moon is all about the journey to sobriety for me. The waxing and waning of things generally. I have been having a rough week. I am part way through my tax issues, and I am snowed under at work.

Things are changing for me. I am getting more organised, but in a way I am worrying more.

I will be back bigger and better.

hope the rest of your week gets, if not easier, a little easier to handle, Instant :)

D

I like the talk Instant!

For me, being able to look into the night sky and bathe in the beauty of the universe is a wonderful gift from above. So often drunk, I looked up and felt great sorrow that I could not enjoy it as I was not sober. My grandfather taught me so much about space and each night I look into the sky and hope to see Orion and believe he is there.

Yesterday was difficult. 5 months after the event, my gf's eldest told his aunt and gran what I had said about his mum's cousin. Via facebook, he had slagged off some writing of mine about a dead soldier. I got really angry because I took offence at him having a go at my business and the dead soldier. The son said he didnt mean it, it doesn't matter. I said I wished he had died of his brain tumor if death doesn't matter. A stupid thing to say but I said it. There are no excuses but it was a very bad day. I had paid all the bills that day and round came my gf's eldest sons from their dad's, having a go at her, having a go at the house, whilst eating all the food we had bought, watching the tv and using the internet that I had just paid for. There was no excuse for what I said and of course I wouldn't have said it sober but drunk I did. What angers me is that the cousin bought me down to his level. Last week he posted under my gf's pictures of her workmates 'blimey that ugly tree must have got quite a battering for them to all fall through it.'

I am not condoning my behaviour, understanding it.

Then, my last drunk, after seven months of listening to my gf's eldest slagging her off, emotionally manipulating her, telling her how wonderful his father and her ex is (his father owes just under 10k in maintenance, but has swindled his way out of it and now is making her pay 150 / month for their second son. Oh, never had a job either and lives in a lovely new house, new car, used to beat her and humiliate her in public etc etc), making her absolutely miserable, making her cry in bed at night. After seven months of walking on egg shells around him, really sad to see my this happen to the girl I was growing in love for each and every day, back in November I got drunk and told him exactly what I thought of him, his behaviour, his father and her ex (who he grew up with!). Again, it was wrong. I should have addressed his sometimes terrible behaviour sober! Also, I should say that I was hearing all sorts said by him about me behind my back.

The next morning after that back in November, I went home and told my dad on the phone I was an alcoholic. The gf and her eldest chatted over the next few days and he said that I should come back up, he knows I love her and she loves me and THAT SHE IS HAPPY with me. So a week later I did and I apologised to them. Not a remorseful apology but a sober apology in the full light of day. The hardest thing I have ever done. Throughout December everything was fine, he was here at Christmas, we talked happily and played a few games as a family.

Then, on New Year, my gf drank for the first time in December. He hates her drinking. But she did. So he went home. I didn't by the way. I am sober and free.

Anyway, he walked home whilst I gave the other boy a lift. His granasked why. My gf said he doesn't like either of us.

Anyway, again, yesterday, he got upset, cried and poured his heart out. Good for him! I am glad he did so maybe he can move on. For me, I am a ***** apparently and I don't think I will be getting any invites soon from what is quite a large family. My gf got very defensive as her sister was having a go at her parenting. But, she has only heard one side of it all. The context hasn't been explained. Though of course does not excuse my actions. Last night, her sister texted her telling her not to cut off ties 'we can't all be perfect...' Strange, that, I wonder why she said that. It was as if she felt she may have gone too far.

Now, I know I was an arse but I know why. I am an alcoholic that runs from issues, does not want to upset anyone. Well at 29 I took on a family of three boys 17, 14 and 7 from two fathers and boy has it been hard, very hard. I had know idea. BUT, the middle boy and the youngest (who lives with us) absolutely adore me and I them. I should have addressed the behaviour to my gf sober but I was an alcoholic and didn't. Lesson learnt. And I don't feel guility, my genuine and sincere apology was more than an apology, it was a forgiveness of all my alcoholic stupidity by myself. Today I am sober and I am happy! Serene even!

The sad thing is that I am just the tip of the iceberg. Her son's problems are under the surface. Not in education. Not in a job. Has no qualifications. HAS NO HOPE! And that is not my fault that is the fault of all those who brought him up. I believe I am doing a great job with her youngest. It is hard work but I love it. I have got him into cubs and he really enjoys it!

Anyway, I am content with life. I can't change the past or what other's think. What happened happened and I understand why it did. I was under pressure and rather than deal with it sober, I dealt with it drunk: a major lesson learnt!

I am just 30 and I have to deal with all this! Well, my responsibility! I am responsible for myself. I choose to be here and I am not quitting. I love my gf and she loves me. She is always invitining her son round, or to go places. She has always. I don't have to be there. But as she says, way before she met me. He just used to sit in his room and play xbox.

I have a very happy home here. I can't be responsible for the life of others. I have to keep sober and live life on my terms and change the things I can.

I have grown up so much in the past year! And I am a good person and I do good things! But as my gf said this morning, you look defeated. And that is kind of how I feel. A whole year of energy trying to be, well, I don't know what, certainly not a step-dad. Just trying to be me and sometimes failing! But what pressure I have been under. Pressure that I created I know but pressure nonetheless.

I am very tired. Oh, and since her eldest does not come round anymore, the behaviour of the youngest son has picked up. He is a lot more calmer. Right, enough said, don't run from your problems. Deal with them straight on!

Chimp

Hi All,

I would like to add one more thing to the above. My gf told me not to worry. What was done was done and that her family need to look at themselves rather than worry about others.

Most importantly, she said that he needed to hear the things that were said and it was a few months back plus he said to come home and I aplogised and his problems are not of my making, I am just an excuse.

Who knows?

I am happy,

Chimp!

None of us can change the past Chimp. What we can do is put our best foot forward with love and compassion. You are on the money.

Instant,

That is a hopeful line, thank you. And I am a lot better at implementing it than I ever was before.

My gf went to the doctors yesterday as she had found a lump in her breast. She said that the Doctor found it straight away and said that it was likely to be a cist. She has been referred to the hospital for a scan. There is a history of breast cancer in the family. Her Aunty died of it. Her mum had it at 39. My gf is nearly 35. She says even if it is nothing she will want it removed.

The last week she has been really tired. You can see it in her face. It frightens me, really frightens me. Can someone explain this all to me:

Are all lumps cists?

Can benign lumps/cists become cancerous?

I am sober and will stay so.

Chimp!

I responded to your other thread Chimp - I'm not a Dr...but the fact the word cyst has been mentioned already seems to suggest things are hopeful to me - best wishes to you both :)

D

Chimp try not to worry - I work in a pathology lab and office and see lots of cysts and lumps taken from various places and the majority of them are benign - it is always best to get these things dealt with as early as possible though then if there is anything more serious it can be treated.

I wish you both all the best and hope a clear and benign diagnosis can be provided quickly so your minds can be put at ease.

Im not medically trained but of all the cysts I have seen they have always not been cancerous and if its been referred to as probably a cyst im sure all will be fine.

Chimp I hope it all works out for your gf - I find times like these that a part of the serenity prayer is very helpful:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

It's that part I highlighted that has really carried me and still does to this very day. :)

Everybody, thank you for your comments.

I tell myself that everything will be ok and everything is fine but she looks drained. I can't explain it perhaps but I feel really protective of her. I always have but the last two days she has lost all her colour. She was off work today because the tablets she is taken for her back pain have knocked her out.

Part of me says not to exaggerate things, not to be dramatic but then I tell myself that I am not being dramatic this is actually happening.

I imagine she has worried about this all her life given that there have been deaths in her family because of breast cancer and her mum had it a few years back. I know that statistically she will be ok but I know she must be really feeling it. When she was younger her and her sisters went to have dna/genes tests done but they were too young.

I am going to get off the computer tonight and go hug her on the couch. Not be dramatic and all that, just give her some love!

Thanks to you all,

Chimp!

Chimp I hope it all works out. There are no end of challenges. The more I think about the serenity prayer the more wisdom there is in it.

For myself I am working out it is best not to run from pain and suffering, but also that I need not over-react to it. I have al long way to go. I am amazed by how much my state ebbs and flows.

In four days time I will be eight calendar months. Despite the challenges I think this is a better way to live.

Instant,

Yes, the prayer is a remarkable.

The cat is walking all over the keyboard. Oh, she has sat down on the desk. Nope, up again, purring and loving.

Again, thanks for all your comments. We must not run away from life. We must embrace it and live each and every day.

One thing my gf is accused of is not listening, either to her boys or her ex's. I think I worked it out yesterday because I was the same as a kid. Always blaming others.

I think it is because we want our mums to help us and when they don't we resent them. And of course that is a lot because the things we want them to help us with are inner wounds, outer difficulties.

When boys realise that they are responsible for their own lives, for their own decisions and circumstances, then they become men. I hope that I am that man now.

Chimp!

We never stop growing Chimp if all is going well.