Wiggle -- I suggest yoga. I am going to get on my soapbox for a minute: YOGA! If you alternate yoga days (it's mostly stretching, to be honest with you) with workout days, you'll feel much better. There are some great intro yoga dvds to be had (I recommend Suzanne Deason.)

I come back from dinner and there's like two more pages of posts! I can't keep up!!! :boggled:

I keep feeling like it isn't necessarily how much I drink (during my heaviest drinking times I probably only averaged about 35 units a week) but what happens to me when I drink.

Being utterly convinced I am stone cold sober, even when all evidence points otherwise...
Continuing to drink even when I am already beyond wasted (see above!)...
Doing things I will later regret...
Not remembering having done things that I will later regret...
Being so incapacitated that my husband once stayed up all night to keep watch over me, just to make sure I was still breathing...

I could always go a few days without drinking, or a few weeks only having a glass of wine with dinner here and there. But when the flood gates opened...all that successful management of my alcohol intake got washed away.

The blackouts, the guilt, being a burden to my loved ones...I'm just not interested in it any more.

To a certain extent, and this is going to sound totally bitchy to those who've had to overcome a daily physical dependency on alcohol, I wish I weren't so occasionally responsible with drinking. As it is, coming to terms with being altogether unaccountable -- each drink I have might be the one that sets me on the path to being blacked out on the floor of the bathroom -- is the current struggle.

Consumption confessions.

I'm not really sure how much I would drink as I went to great ends to make it difficult to track. I would buy a large bottle - 1.75 liters of rye whiskey each week. I would likely buy a case - 24 beer each week as well. I'd add in a couple bottles of wine. Plus I might drink out at a bar one or more nights a week.

What's that? 40 ounces of rye, 24 bottles of beer, 12 glasses of wine, another 10 drinks out and about. Wow...more than I thought - 88 drinks - likely worst case, but still.

Can you believe that I've never done the math? Up until about 10 seconds ago I might have said that I drank 40 drinks a week and not 80 or more. Tricky AV - he wasn't just fooling my wife, he was fooling me too!

Thanks for the tip Lady! That is what I feel like I need.... some long slow going and deep stretches. Yoga would be perfect, I will look for her DVD :)

Staying strong here so far, only an hour after work but DH took SD out to dinner, so now that I don't have to cook I an just keep myself busy.... away from the bottle of rum sitting downstairs. I just picked up a copy of Rational Recovery - that will keep me busy for awhile, and also Stepmonster (another issue I have and need to address: how to be a childless stepmother and still be happy!)

Thank you everyone for all of the support today, I was feeling really lost there for a moment.

As long as we make it through the next few hours, then the day will be gone, and that's really all that matters right now!

Where have I been? I cannot keep up.

I am 100 days today on the SR world famous sober meter. I feel like I have been blessed. I am feeling so much better this last few days. Given what I have experienced so far I can tell that my mind and body are still adjusting. The main thing for me is the freedom from the torment of having alcohol in my life and dominating my thinking. I never knew just how much of my perceptions and emotional reactions were influenced by alcohol even when I was not drunk.

I know it's a few pages back Wiggle but I think the "thing" that clicks (then people find it easy) for me was "surrender" in the struggle and to actively embrace a future that is sober. I don't go to AA but I read the Big Book a few times and thought a lot about the 12 steps particularly the first three and step 11.

Have a good day everyone.

Good morning.

As Instant mentioned the "Big Book" I would like to reiterate that even if you are not an AA person it is an excellent piece of literature for anyone who wants to stop drinking. Its hard to believe it was written back in the 1930's - it has stood the test of time amazingly well. Im not going to harp on about AA, it is working for me this time around although it didnt when I first started going 4 years ago and a few more times since. There are other ways to recovery and I have dipped into most of them but for me, this time around, AA seems to be working.

The other book, which has been discussed in length before but I would like to mention again for Wiggle and Paddy especially is "under the influence". Despite my going along the AA path this time I do have a scientific mind and this book really helped me to accept my problem and as it explain the physiological aspects of alcoholism it really got it ingrained into my brain that there is simply no point in me ever drinking again as every cell in my body has changed and if I put alcohol back into the equation there is no doubt it is going to harm me and take me right back to where I was 11 and a bit weeks ago and the cravings would be back with me every day. I have very very low will power and to get those cravings back on a regular basis I dont know I would get back to where I am now.

So those two books helped me enourmously get to this stage. Another book that can be very helpful and is alot less "heavy" to read is "living sober" which is an AA book but its just full of tips and advice from how to get through a day, an hour, a minute when you are craving a drink to the more long term things you may come up against.

We have our fun in here and I dont want to bring anyone down but some of the stuff I have been reminded of just yesterday makes me remember it is a life and death situation we are dealing with here. If you are an alocholic, to drink is to die. Eventually it will kill you. I so wish I had realised about my illness when I was in my 20s. I definately knew there was something going on with me and the booze but I could not even contemplate living without it. Those of you in your 20s really do have my admiration for your foresight and I urge you to make the most of the lovely long years you probably have ahead of you.

Oops forgot - 100 days Instant - congrats fantastic, amazing! xxxx

Instant and Pupkinm it was lovely to read your posts first thing this morning and Instant, congratulations on your 100!

I am not sure what my day is. I will check the day I joined later and found out.

Well, what to say? I am sober!

Paddy, the AA sorted it for me - it was a coil! Many thanks though!

Brilliant stuff!

Chimp!

What more to say?

I am starting to fell cabin fever working from home and my gf being on holiday from school. I am getting what I need to get done but I really need to crack on with it!

Actions, actions, actions!!!

I am getting really frustrated with my gf, it is not her fault and it is coming across a bit sharp now and again, which is not like the normal me. However, I am worried about what she is thinking and what I am thinking. relationships aren't always easy are they? But that reminded me, a feww weeks back she just asked me to love her and I do and I will and i'll do my best for her.

I need to get out there. Working from home is great but when your actual paid work is outside in the middle of nowhere, you definitely miss it when you are not out there!

Chimp!

This is definitely a drinking day. In the past I would have began the morning working and ended up by 12 in the pub. What a town I come from, Canterbury, pubs everywhere. What heaven, sitting in a pub watching the world go by, seeing the tourists, listening to the chatter, surrounded by thousands of years of History. Pubs, conversations, tourists, students, locals, the cathedral, music, the restaurants, the hustle and bustle of the day. What a gorgeous, gorgeous city and what a place to drink! And on a day like this it would be magical. And now I am my own boss, I can do what I like. Oh, I would have loved it, to be free and to be drinking!

But of course I would not be free really would I and yep, alco-gollum is working his magic this morning and I apologise but please bare with me. Oh the freedom, the freedom to just leave the house and drink, what magic, what a life. What a life to have no ties and just be free, free of everyone, my own man, being me, being me and trusting and believing in me. Noone to feel resposible for, no one to tell me what I was doing was wrong (all my life I have had that). I absolutely crave freedom, crave it! To be free is my ultimate escape, my ultimare fantasy, my ultimate dream. To walk the world and owe nothing to anybody.

To just be me. To be free and to be carefree and to live my life naturally on my terms. Some call it dreaming, some call it an escape and is it wrong to crave that.

I am really struggling at home today. My gf and her little man have gone out! I am sat on here, whilst working. I just dont give a **** (four letters beginning with f)! Jesus, so much of my drinking was just to escape. To escape and pretend that I was free. I just want to grab my gf and (as above - sorry but I need that release). I need her and love her so much but the last few days I have just been sat here working whilst she has been chilling. It just doesn't seem wright. I am a man of action (that sounds so up myself) but I am. I need to be making things happen and, well, yes I am, I am preparing my exhibition for a three day festival this weekend and that will be action enough.

Paolo Coehlo in 'The Alchemist' says that just as we are about to achieve our dreams we mess up. Well I am not going to let that happen. This is the biggest weekend of my life coming up and I need to crack on with it and see the long-term and realise that this is setting me free, free to live the life I want!

I am that close to freedom but boy it is hard work and of course always will be!

Chimp!

Early Bird bratnik here -

Hubby woke me up this morning getting ready for his weekly morning commute (to the east coast).

Again, a ton of posts to keep up from last night! How was everyone's night?

Chimp - sounds like working at home is wearing on you. I can understand that- I'm not even WORKING - I am just at home all the time. I know that is partly my own fault but one can definitely go stir crazy after awhile. But just think of what you are preparing for - this exhibition is so big for you!! Perhaps the stress is getting to be a lot to handle. Take a step back from it all, look at everything you are doing, your hard work, your dedication, and be F'ing PROUD of yourself!

Look at how far you have come with your work. I think I hear emotional and mental fatigue with you - which shows how much of your mind and soul you have been putting into this preparation. Your will may feel weak. But please, don't drink now. Not after how far you have come. And for what is upcoming as well. The way you described the drink, the pubs, the conversation, the ROMANCE, and the escape sounds grand and lovely but it ain't that romantic!!! It's the dreamer in you coming out creating that romantic scanario (and it was quite beautiful reading the description!!!) It's alcohol. That's it. IT's an escape, but not a romantic and pretty one. THe pubs smell, the conversation gets annoying as each pint empties, etc etc. :)

Can you get out for some tea at a cafe for the same experience? The weather, the tourists and conversation, the escape for an hour or two?? Just to get out of the house, clear your head, shut off your mind for a moment? Maybe read the paper or a book, and watch the world go buy for a bit? Maybe that would take away some of this building pressure and tension.

We're all proud of you and pulling for you Chimp!!!!

-your friend Anna

Anna,

thank-you!

I am going to read it again in a bit, my heart is beating fast!

:-)

Chimp!

deep breaths!

Thanks Bratnik, it really is that simple. I just need to get out, close my mind and relax and take a breath.

Chimp!

I've worked from home for many years now in a variety of jobs - I used to drink all day - now I don't find I ever think of drinking now...so stick with it Chimp, it gets better.

Bratnik definitely has the right idea - when you feel a bit doolally, take a break, even if it's just a walk...go out somewhere, buy something yummy like a custard slice or whatever LOL :)

D

Played that big squash match I was telling you guys about last night after work. I beat the guy 3 to 1 -- 19 year old whipper snapper that he was. I move up to the elite division for the next league. That will be very good for my game and my focus.

morning.
:zx11pisse

why is he trying to get me to say I love you? I refuse and he says "well fine then I'm going to start dating again." frankly I dont care if he starts dating again, He dated while we were together, why should it matter to me if he dates while we are appart? gah. Is he just trying to control me?

Sorry I only post so much about him because he is a huge trigger for me to just drink. I hate that I can't just run away. I want to get away. I need to get away.

Good morning classmates! I haven't had time to look at any posts recently, but just dropping by to say I'm alive and kicking. today is day #88 and lovin' it!!

If I can do this, anyone can. Promise!! :)

Congrats, TP!!! You are killin it!

Blackbird - man, what a mess. It sounds to me like he wants to hear those empty words to make himself feel better for all of his wrongs. But the fact that coupled with that is a threat if you DON'T say it he will flaunt his infedility is just so so so very controlling and wrong. I'm sorry, but what an awful thing to do. Does he just know that you won't leave, so he has carte blanche to be a mean and controlling man to you? How we can help build you up to tell him he is being a weak person with the threats, the demands, and the controlling actions? And that he sucks? And he's acting like a child, not a man?

UGH. I'm sorry if I'm ranting. Controlling men (or people, I just happen to have only experienced men) TICK ME OFF. And even though this is a trigger to make you want to drink, don't let HIM be the one to make you do something bad to yourself. He does plenty bad in his own actions and is SO NOT WORTH your wellbeing!!

We care about you and want you to be safe, and healthy. This has to stop, I just wish I had answers as to how.

Hi Chimp

Just logged in at work, hang in there bud you can do this