Codependency and Beyond Part 3
 

The last part:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...beyond-19.html

Surrender, denial, acceptance... all these themes discussed in Melodie Beattie's "The Language of Letting Go" seem to all be parts of the same whole, that is, recognizing what IS and living life on life's own terms. In that there's nothing to fear. We take what curve balls life throws at us, reposition ourselves, and swing to the best of our abilities. The best we know how. We have a lot of tools at our disposal, we've learned a lot over the years of experience. It comes down to a matter of recognizing what we have and rationally, calmly, reasonably applying what we know. It's so easy to simply emotionally react, without thinking. So much more the ideal to deliberately choose to act from a center of Peace.

Such has been my priority today, and you know, I've had a peaceful day. Despite a few interruptions that could have cause disruption, I chose to remain calm and centered. I took care of myself. I let other people's problems be their own problems. I enjoyed the company of my family for awhile, we ate a healthy, hearty lunch together, and then I returned home to spend time with my dog in the woods, tending lightly to tasks I enjoy, my chickens, my seedlings, a bit of music and writing. I made it a good, peaceful day. May the trend continue!

Wishing you all peace-filled days as well. Looking forward to hearing from you all here on Part 3 :)

((Fall))..I am happy to hear you are finding peace in your life...

Letting my daughter make her own way is my most immediate challenge. She is 21 and lives with me, and it is neither my home nor hers. She is at a seemingly very irresponsible place in her life, and it takes all I have not to try and rein her in. My most ponderous challenge is the line between being in charge of my own emotions, and enjoying that special feeling you only get from intimacy with another. I crave that feeling to distraction some days, and have to constantly remind myself that being content with what I have comes from within.

This site is a big help with both issues, but I still get to fight with me lots=)

((Lisa))

And g2b..

Thank you for this...

"I have experienced his love and comfort and guidance in my deepest, darkest struggle and he has led me out, and through to the light, and that, in turn, deepened my faith.
No matter how tough or bleak life gets, I know he always has a path for me to take, to safety, always., because that is part of the Plan...."

Hey...I'm not the only one who argues with herself!!! "Oh just shut up you started it" "No, you did" :lmao

I see a lot of 18-21 year olds, being a "mature" graduate student, and they can be some of the most immature and self-absorbed creatures ever created. Plus, they seem to believe themselves to be bullet-proof. I hope that your daughter will find her inner adult soon!

Sounds like you had a good day, Fall. That's great to hear!

Thank you, G2B, for this forum and now we are on to version 2!!!!!!!

Hugs to all!
HG

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person's feelings. It's impossible; the two acts contradict.

What a tremendous asset to have compassion for others! How difficult that same quality can make it to set boundaries!

It's good to care about other people and their feelings; It's essential to care about ourselves, too. Sometimes, to take good care of ourselves, we need to make a choice.

Some of us live with a deeply ingrained message from our family, or from church, about never hurting other people's feelings. We can replace that message with a new one, one that says it's not okay to hurt ourselves, others will react with hurt feelings.

That's okay. We will learn, grow, and benefit by the experience; they will too. The most powerful and positive impact we can have on other people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves, and allowing others to be responsible for themselves.
Caring works. Caretaking dosen't. We can learn to walk the line between the two.

Today, I will set the limits I need to set. I will let go of my need to take care of other people's feelings and instead take care of my own. I will give myself permission to take care of myself, knowing it's the best thing I can do for myself and others.

I have always struggled with trying to discern where the line was between what was my altruistic nature and my need to caretake.
As I have come to know, and learned how, to take care of me, I have been able to see where I can help and care for others and where I need to keep the focus and caring on me.
God has provided me with lots of practice lately:), with my daughter and brother and although I feel sadness about their spots, I feel no guilt about needing to put myself first....
I know I have given what I can, anything more would be at my expense, and that I can no longer do.
I know the rest is up to them and their Higher Power.

(((Lisa)))...As the mom of a 25 yr old daughter, I appreciate your spot...

Another reading that is totally appropriate for me, in my life, at this moment.

I am grateful to understand this message now, though it is difficult to make it work on a daily basis. :praying

Thanks Grateful, for today's reading...It is absolutely what I need today and everyday...to help me remember I need to take care of myself. I especially like: "The most powerful and positive impact that we can have on other people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves and ALLOWING OTHERS TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEMSELVES." Amen to that...

Wow, is it just me or did we just seem to FLY through the 2nd part of our thread?

I can totally understand dealing with "young adults". First, I have Brit at home. Secondly, most of the people I work with are young. Some are more mature, but most are not.

I'm actually finding out that I need to put my codie skills to use at work, more than home. Last night, I tried to take care of a situation without going to my manager. I didn't want to "bother her". To me, it felt like I was whining, and couldn't do my job. When I told her, later, what happened, she said "I wish you had told me, right then, I would have sent her home".

So obviously, I still have some lessons to learn:) If my GM is there today, will discuss this with him and ask his advice.

I was soooo tired, when I got home this morning. Got some good sleep and am ready to go in for one more night.

((Grateful)) - thanks for starting my thread in newcomers...you are such a sweetie!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Here's another for you dear Amy..

I am so proud.

http://i568.photobucket.com/albums/s...atulations.gif

:ghug3:

((Amy)) just realized it was your 2 year birthday yesterday, sorry I missed it..you are amazing and I am so happy I have got to know you, you are a Very Special Girl!! Love & Hugs.....:Val004:

You guys, and these readings, are awesome=) I had to carefully explain (without mentioning SR, being co-de, or my "new plan") to my mother why I couldn't MAKE my daughter call when she wasn't coming home for several nights in a row. Yes, I would like her to. Yes, I worry myself sick when she doesn't, but that's MY problem. She is an adult, and if she doesn't think to call me, then that's that. There are no boundaries I can reasonably set to change this behavior, so I have to just pray she makes it home safe when she is ready. Bummer eh? =)

That is a bummer, Lisa and I will send prayers too, that your daugher calls you and comes home. :praying

This thread has been a godsend to me. I am learning so much from all of you and the readings are always a good way to start off the day. :ghug

This was a powerfully profound reading from The Language...
It is well and good to care about others, but we cannot care FOR them. Everyone must learn to care for themselves. I know this, and yet, I get so concerned about how another feels I want to take care of that above all else. I want them to feel good. I do that to my own detriment. I do it to their detriment even, because in doing so they don't learn to take care of themselves, for themselves.

It seems every one of us here have someone, or ones in our lives for whom we are inclined to care FOR "too much," even while knowing the necessity of allowing (insisting) they have to care for themselves. In many instances I can see where others here are employing, or struggling with everything they've got, to put such boundaries in place. Myself included. Oh it's so hard! We care so much. We want others to be happy and content. They seem to want that from us!

Best thing we can do for everyone is take care of ourselves, let them take care of themselves. While caring about each other all the while.

Hmmm, that seems to be much of what this thread is about isn't it. How cool is that.

Good seeing you all here again tonight. Thanks for being here.

My main issue is maintaining the boundaries I have for myself.

I have written them down and know what I want.

But, I deal with someone who is subtly manipulative - very subtle, never overt. So, a confrontation never works and just results in denial. I have learned to choose my battles and I only confront when it is something significant. At that time, I take a stand. I still, however, find myself caught off-guard by the manipulation and that is something I am working on.

While I was not part of this particular encounter, my (now) fiance's addict son just dropped by his office this evening! He wanted his dad to call his car insurance company for him (you see he had an accident over valentine's weekend). His dad told him that he was more than welcome to use the phone in the office and the computer and internet to look up any numbers/information he needed! My immediate response would have been to take care of the whole thing for him.....I was just amazed (being the codie that I am).

Later this evening, addict son called his dad saying his truck would not start, was parked in a public lot, and "where is the nearest rental car agency". My fiance did not offer to pick him up, did not call for him, did not even tell him that he needs a credit card to rent a car and then be reimbursed by the company, and did not offer to pay for it for him (who needs the addict and his dealers driving around in a rental car you have paid for?!). He merely told his son the location of an agency he remembered that was nearby.

Mind you, this is probably not how my fiance would have handles this even 6 months ago, and it was incredible for me, the uber-codie, to witness. I continue to work on my boundaries, and am learning so much from you all (and by watching his progress)!!

Hugs, HG

((Anna)), I have dealt with that type of person in the past and that subtle manipulation is challenging to address...

(((LIsa)))..sometimes prayer is all we have and I add my prayers for you and your daughter...

((HydroGirl))! wow, you and your boyfriend have done such wonderful work , each in your own way, regarding his son...

((Amy))..it was my absolute pleasure:a194:

You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

March 10

Living With Families

I was forty-six years old before I finally admitted to myself and someone else that my grandmother always managed to make me feel guilty, angry and controlled.
-Anonymous

We may love and care about our family very much. Family members may love and care about us. But interacting with some members may be a real trigger to our codependency - sometimes to a deep abyss of shame, rage, anger, guilt, and helplessness.

It can be difficult to achieve detachment, on an emotional level, with certain family members. It can be difficult to separate their issues from ours. It can be difficult to own our power.

Difficult, but not impossible.

The first step is awareness and acceptance - simple acknowledgement, without guilt, of our feelings and thoughts.

We do not blame our family members. We do not have to blame or shame ourselves. Acceptance is the goal - acceptance and freedom to choose what we want and need to do to take care of ourselves with that person. We can become free of the patterns of the past. We are recovering. Progress is the goal.

Today, Higher Power, help me be patient with myself as I learn how to apply recovery behaviors with family members. Help me strive today for awareness and acceptance.

Today, I can honestly say that my family is the LEAST of my problems!

I went to work, went in to talk to D. (my GM) about yesterday and ask for advice on how to get everyone to work together, more, rather than being so greedy (basically - not going to hppen).

Instead, I find out I am in some pretty serious trouble at work. Something I said, a couple of weeks ago, in a casual conversation, was repeated to D. (by the server from yesterday). I admitted to it. I didn't call him anything, but it's more "ghetto slang" and can cost me my job.

What bothers me more, is that I told him he angers me sometimes, and brought up the time he told me I used my headaches as an excuse. He, angrily, said "you're a liar!!" Not once, but several times. He went on to say I lied about another conversation..one he's since apoligized for not making himself clear about in the first place.

I was so angry, my voice was breaking and I was on the verge of tears, so I jsut said "I'm not lying" and left his office. I said a "help me out, here, God" prayer, was very quiet, but still working for a while, then went on my merry way.

At some point, the words "rise above it" came to me The rest of the night was a good one.

I'm seriously burned out. I know I need to take care of me, but I have to pay bills. I cried on the way home. Got home, stepmom and Brit were up. Brit is ready to go beat up D and the server who started all this:) She did tell me "grab hold of that cross around your neck and pray, pray, pray"...God, I love that kid!

I'll admit, I'd love to be numb, but I'm not going to be stupid. I'm about to go to sleep. I'm sorry this is all about me. I've gotten a LOT from the posts I just read, and I know they will work their way into my subconscious while I sleep.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

:ghug3

Hi Amy,

I hope your work situation resolves itself in a positive way for you and that your job is secure.

I can relate to what your story. I work in retail, constantly dealing with people one-on-one. I have a manager who is not supportive of the staff and who is extremely moody. In other words, I would not expect her to take my side in an argument with a customer, and a customer complaint could definitely come back and bite me. Therefore, I have to always be extremely cautious about what I say and how I say it, measuring every word.

Just hang in there, and do the best job you can.

(((Amy)))Hugs and prayers....

Today's reading is another perfect one for me. I have realized that for years,others have used anger and guilt to manipulate me or I should say I have let them...when I was reading my list of boundaries for myself I noticed that they were all to do with me being unable to handle others feelings of anger or fear. I can't seem to not take on their feelings, so its best to not let myself go there. I wish I could just listen and not let it affect me, but I can't right now. So its best to avoid those situations if I want to take care of myself....

(((Amy)))...you were on my mind last night...I saw wildkats reference to what was going on at work...I was concerned when you didn't log in ....
I am so sorry, Hon...you are on my mind and in my prayers.

I got some sleep, and that always makes me feel better...not to mention a couple of furbabies, snuggled up with me!

I have a plan, as far as work goes, and got some feedback from my buddy/supervisor and it reinforces my plan, so that's good.

I'm taking a "me" day. Other than getting my paperwork all straightened out, and into the handy-dandy file box I bought a month ago:(, I'm just going to eat, sleep, and hang out at SR.

I was thinking about families, this morning, with the reading, and how my feelings can change on any given moment! Friday, I was ready to send Brit to a deserted island...she was fussing and cussing, mad at the world. This morning, she was furious that someone was giving me a hard time, and was actually giving ME the advice I always give her, and full of support. I learned a valuable lesson...she IS learning things from me, by the way I live my life. This gives me even more incentive to keep working at showing her now NOT to be a codie!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

((Amy)) I just pm'ed you so I won't repeat here, but I am glad you are feeling better and are taking a me day!

I really like Anna's idea, to write down one's own boundaries, so to define them, to make them clear to oneself. They're so easily tread on when they're vague, especially when even we aren't sure what they are.

I, too, deal with a "subtle" manipulator. He knows how to "work" me, knows just where my weaknesses are, and he aims directly for them when he wants something from me. I always cave in. Or, I had (and still too often do), before finally exclaiming "Enough!" I can't do it anymore. I need distance, detachment. That, too, upsets him and he plays that in a way that makes me feel bad for wanting my space, time, and peace, as though those are bad things, selfish things to want.

It's beyond time to "rise above it" ((Impurrfect)), to simply not play. To know my own boundaries and stand by them, knowing they are the right thing to do.

Again, Grateful, thank you for posting The Language..., for it seemingly ALWAYS applies! Acceptance and awareness, without guilt. So fundamentally necessary for anything else to take root.

HG, very good to see you writing here again. So true, we do learn so much from observation of others. Participation, openly sharing, is key to making this work, for all of us.

OK, I have a "boundaries" project to go attend to. I suspect it will be an important exercise. I've never done that before.

Its is only through SR that I am not trying to guilt my kid into keeping in contact. I saw her Sunday morning, and got a text today. The 48 hours in between were really bad for me, but at least I know its something I have to fix.