I WISH I could go No Contact!!!
 

I really do wish I could do NC. He still has his things here, and won't change his mailing address so I have to constantly see and talk to him. Refuses to change his address because his PO would probably freak if she found out he was living with his felon sister!

He talked to me today. I was an idiot for listening and I feel SO incredibly stupid right now. He wanted to come home. Had a plan and everything for recovery, rebuilding our relationship, etc. And then, after I was willing to entertain the idea (hope is a killer!) he tells me he changed his mind. That he had other things to do this week, a birthday party, picking his nephew off the bus...stupid things. And then finally told me his sister wouldn't get him drugs this weekend if he didn't stay there and live with her.

It's sad enough that I lost the man I was going to marry to addiction. It's worse that he left and moved out twice, taking 5k of the settlement from my knee replacement. But for some reason it makes me feel absolutely insane that he cannot and will not be with me because his addict sister is his only connection, and she won't let him leave there. If he does, she'll cut him off.

I realize that she's lived a pathetic life, her choice. She's in an unhappy, loveless marriage, she and her husband just had a 30 year anniversary but they don't even talk, separate bedrooms forever now. She has no companionship. So somehow in the mess of all this, my fiance turned into his sister's husband. They play games together, laugh together, celebrate together....I know misery loves company but I am SO irate that not only did drugs take him away from me, she did too. And he knows it! He is using her to get Oxy and she and her heroin addicted husband are using him for pills, money, and anything else they can get.

I just feel like the biggest @ss tonight. I found myself screaming at him, I'm so fed up with the head games. And as always, watching me sob, showed no remorse. None. "I'm sorry" no longer means anything when it's been said just as many times as "I love you".

Sorry, just needed to vent.

Ugh!

I figured he would be back when money was running low. His Sister will have no use for him soon.

Actions not words, he just promised to come "home" and seek recovery, well until his drugs were threatened. You cannot believe a word he says at this point.

He is well past being the guy you knew him to be. Granted it seems like he can "act" like that guy, but that is not who is running the show - and it is a show. He just lied to you, nothing more.

You can go no contact, his belongings and mail are not your problem, they are his to take care of. His parole officer knowing where he is has nothing to do with you. You can drive his items over and dump them outside his Sister's house or tell him they will be out front tomorrow at noon and you suggest he picks them up before someone else gets them. He can get his mail forwarded wherever he likes, in the meantime writing No longer at this address and posting them is what you can do IF you feel like it, otherwise just toss the mail in the garbage. If he can't be bothered with it why on earth would you be?

I think you are still holding out hope here? The only thing that will happen if he comes back is he will use you for money and a place to stay and eat and sleep while he sources more drugs. He is chosing the drugs, he keeps doing it.

You know, at this point letting him come back may actually enable him to death. You aren't holding him up, you are not allowing him to face the consequences of what he is doing, so he doesn't have to, which enables him to keep using without consequences.

I KNOW absolutely that is not your intention, but if you are providing for him so he can be free to use, well you know what I mean. I don't know where he gets his spending money when he's not using your injury payout money but if you are giving it to him or just keeping him and he uses his income for drugs, may as well just give him the drug money?

I hope you care enough about yourself and if not, about him, to go no contact. I would hope that after that the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) might clear for you a bit.

Thanks, Trailmix. I was letting go of hope, truth be told! Until he talked about wanting to change, etc. I can't wait until the FOG clears. This is pure torture. There aren't even any words.

He refuses to change his mailing address, this is where his workers comp checks come. I screamed at him earlier on the phone, telling him I was throwing his sh!t on the street, and he actually made me feel sorry for him. How did the assailant become the victim in this?

I'm just all sorts of messed up right now. I mentioned I was going out this week (dinner with a girlfriend) and he had the audacity to question me "with who, where" like he was jealous? I reminded him, you dumped ME to pursue your career in drugs. You have no right to question anything I may or may not be doing!

I know the money will be gone soon, and his 250 a week from comp isn't going to be enough to support his habit, his smoking, his scratch offs and food. And his sister has never been the type to part with her drugs without payment.

I have so many things going through my head I don't even know where to start. Of course, I worry, now that I found out his sister's husband has started heroin, especially when the pills are a lot more expensive. I worry about him moving on, I'm sure everyone goes through that, though. And it infuriates me that his 3 beautiful girls are going to be staying in his bug ridden bedroom with him when they come to visit, and he tells his ex-wife that he's as clean as a whistle. My list of "why I don't want him back" grows every day. I need to pay closer attention to that...

Hugs, Trailmix. Your my voice of reason when my mind is being unreasonable.

There aren't really, it is tortuous. The only way out is to change your focus back to yourself. That's great you are going out for dinner this week, any opportunity you get to socialize, jump at it! The more time you spend with people that give, that are pleasant and normal, the more you will realize what you want.

I hope you also take time to try new things as well. You have probably spent so much time focusing on him and his problems that you haven't really looked at what you want and what makes you happy. What fun things do you like? Maybe when you meet up with your friend you can suggest another outing? Just keep doing the next right thing for yourself Katerina and you will be fine.

I know it's hard when you are still feeling so bad but the busier you keep your mind the less you will think about him and those loops of thought that can get you stuck will start to fade away.

As for his mail, it's against the law to throw it away, but, I would tell him he has 1 week to get the address changed if his cheques still arrive as of the end of the month you are going to return to sender.

Don't worry about him, he is apparently quite able to look after himself, he's been gone for weeks, partying and having a good time, he will be fine. If he's not, that's not your problem, he is not your responsibility.

You can't heal unless you truly go NC. Every time there is contact you will go back to step one again and that's really torture. It's also why you are still feeling so bad and not healing as you would like to.

I'm really starting to see that. I thought I was strong enough to try to remain civil, but it's breaking me down so badly. I'm weaker than I've ever been in my life, and that says a lot. I've never taken crap from anyone!

I keep thinking of what someone said previously..."not my monkey, not my circus" lol. Was it you? Regardless, it just keeps echoing in my mind right now. I need to stop playing the ringmaster, the show is over!

That was the wise tomsteve that said that to you I believe!

Another saying that is used around here is no new contact = no new hurts and that's true.

Remember how you felt today when you finished talking to him, all you can expect is more of the same unless you stop it.

When I broke up with the narcissist I was dating, we stayed in contact for a few months (long distance).

I was discussing this with a trusted friend and they said to me, you have to stop talking to him. I said I know but that's hard (in a nutshell). So over a period of a few days, she kept saying this, I would tell her what he would say (perception check) and she would basically back up that he was an ass lol

So I did it. I wasn't crazy about hurting myself. So I said ok, I will try this for a day. That is something that can be undone. So I did, it was hard, we had been in contact a lot. The next day was probably harder, so I thought, ok just until noon - then 6 etc etc. I did that for a few weeks, I wasn't happy. I forced myself to try to function, I went out to see family, I went to the mall to walk around, just stuff like that.

Eventually, I got angry, I kind of forced myself to. What a jerk (and he was) wth was that. I was in a very low place emotionally when he arrived on the scene otherwise I never would have entertained the thought of talking to him, despite the fact that his fake charm was really good, he was a fake.

The anger propelled me away from sadness. Every time I thought of him I would not think kindly of him. That lasted for a few weeks, then it stopped, I was tired of it (frankly bored with it) and let it go. That was that.

Things like telling yourself Stop! when your mind starts to wander there. Like getting up and leaving a room when you start to ruminate, forcing yourself to go for a walk, even if it's only for 15 minutes. Driving to the nearest coffee shop and going in and buying yourself coffee (or whatever you like) even if you don't stay to drink it, take it home with you. You might even do that a couple of times in a day if it helps.

If you stop talking to him and think about what he has done, you may well get angry too. You can have compassion for him from afar. No one would wish addiction or mental illness on anyone, that does not mean that you need to sacrifice yourself and your sanity and your well being for him, if for no other reason than it is a complete waste of time. You have tried kindness, you have tried tough love, I assume you pretty much support him financially, you take care of him and try to reason with him and so is he in rehab with all that care and attention? No he is at the roach motel getting high.

Back to the 3 Cs - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

These are HIS problems. You can absolutely go NC, you just have to be willing to do what is best for you instead of him. If he does not want to mess w/his PO he should not do drugs. They are his drugs, not yours. It is his PO, not yours.

You deserve more.

Don't ever be sorry for venting, we are all here to support each other!

Hi, Katerina.
It sounds like you are almost there with no contact, but still letting him call the shots with not changing his address and your continuing worry about what will happen to him when the money runs out.
Please let go of this.
He has shown you who he is. He has no intention of pursuing recovery, despite the quacking.
Unhook yourself mentally from this person.
Give him a week to change his address, then send the stuff back.
He will continue to use you as long as you let him.
Sorry, hope this doesn’t sound too harsh.
I know how hard it is to watch an enmeshed, dysfunctional relationship play out, as my addict sib lives with my mother, and they are poster children for codependency.
as I am one of my mother’s caregivers, I cannot stay away completely, but I have very limited contact with them, for my own sanity and serenity.
I have had huge screaming matches with sib, which solves nothing and just makes me feel awful.
So I don’t anymore. There is no point. I just stay away.

If I was the mother of those little girls, I would sure as heck want to know if I was leaving my three most precious little people in a household full of active junkies.

You may think it isn't any of your business to intervene in the situation, but can you imagine how you are going to feel if something happens to one of those kids?

It is NOT vindictive to act in the best interest of children. Their care and welfare is far more important than what ever deluded ideas their father has about spending time with them. I don't doubt he loves them, but checked out on dope does not a good father make.. a good father wouldn't bring them into a filthy house where all the adults are strung out on drugs, including heroin.

It's a crappy situation, but I hope someone is looking out for the best interest of those children. The mother can't if she doesn't know.

Wish I didn't have to say this, but she already knows all of this (the mother). But she's wants her free time....so I guess it's out of my hands. Everyone knows and just looks out for themselves.

Wow!.. I can't imagine being OK with leaving my kids in that situation! I totally get needing alone time.. but WTF???...That's really sad and really sick... it makes ME feel sick and I don't even know these people. I can only imagine how you must feel. Sorry Katerina, just another crappy facet to this situation. Yuck.

I discovered that when I was fed up with the head games, they ending up being head games that only I was playing in my own head. He was living his reality and those head games kept me from accepting that.

He’s choosing to give up a further life with you in order to do drugs, that’s what active drug addicts do. You are choosing to play games in your head that it’s his sisters fault. Believe me if he would leave there he’d still find drugs because that’s what active drug addicts do. He’s using her, she is using him because that is what active drug addicts do.

I don’t mean this is in a mean way but you are no more to him them a resource, a place he can store his stuff, a mailbox where he can have his disability check sent. Don’t you want more than that for yourself in your life?

I’d tell him he has 30 days to get all his belongings out of your house and change his address otherwise you will donate the clothing and notify the post office that he no longer lives there and left no forwarding address. Send those checks back with no longer at this address.

We all know it is not easy, and many of us also know the continued pain in trying to hang onto someone who’s already gone and who doesn’t want to be held.

He still has his things here, and won't change his mailing address so I have to constantly see and talk to him

constantly??? i think not.

you have some hefty bags? good, load his leftover crap into them, and place them on the porch and tell him he has X number of days to come and retrieve the stuff or it's going to the trash.

IF it was that important to him that he HAVE his stuff, he'd HAVE his stuff.

as far as the mail......gotta labelmaker? or a pen? write, NO LONGER THIS ADDRESS and send it back as you would ANY OTHER mail you rec'd that was not YOURS. don't give the ex special treatment.

and then, you're done.

he's not "trying" to get "better" so he can be that better version of himself and the man you deserve. he SAYS that cuz it works to keep you on the hook. and he just might need a back up plan.......don't be anybody's back up plan.

he has exactly one concern. drugs - the getting, using and finding ways and means to get more. if his gramma had a seizure and fell to the floor, i'm sure he'd call 911 AFTER he checked her purse and wallet. just the way it is. drug addiction is ruthless. and impersonal. like an avalanche that buries four skiers. the avalanche had no intent to do any HARM when the snow slab broke free, it didn't wait until the four skiers were in the path. it just did what avalanches do.

So true. Like the day I got home from the hospital after total knee replacement. The pills made me SO sick. Instead of holding my hair back as I crawled to the bathroom, he was stealing my Oxy. :a043:

As of Friday, I am officially going NC. I don't have a choice. He called this morning before he took his pills. Apologized for being such an ass the night before, and said he realized how much he was hurting me. He told me he wanted to come home and go to rehab and such. And so I extended that infamous "olive branch" and once again this evening (after taking his pills) tells me it's not a good time for him, he's not ready.

I told him I am picking him up Friday while his trashy sister is at work, bringing him here to load the rest of his stuff into my car (otherwise it will sit here forever) and from there, we won't be speaking anymore. He actually thought it was a good thing, it might give him time to miss me. Seriously? He left a month ago, came back, left another week ago...and just not seeing my smile daily isn't enough to miss me? Not feeling my warmth next to you, laughing together...none of that is enough for him to miss me? Ugh. And he still replies as always telling me "It's ok, I still have faith in us and still want a lifetime with you, the love of my life. Maybe that light bulb in my head will turn on in a few weeks of not talking" ...he really doesn't get it. NC doesn't mean a day, a week, a month....it means goodbye. I'm very sad that he doesn't (or won't) accept that. My heart hurts so deeply tonight. Him yelling at me that I'm stressing him out and pressuring him? I told him I'm not pressuring him at all, his mind is pressuring itself because he knows what the right thing to do is, and he's making the decision to do the wrong things.

So anyway, he's left me no choice. I'm going to end up in a psych ward if I keep playing this game. It's so difficult coming to terms that I have to be the one to officially call it quits. I have to be the villain, when in fact I am the victim.

I have to be the one to officially call it quits. I have to be the villain, when in fact I am the victim.

uh....NO. when one party decides to end the relationship for any reason, there are no victims or villians. not every relationship is supposed to last a lifetime, or 35 years. in fact some studies show that women will have approx FIVE romantic relationships in their lifetimes and men about SEVEN.

we aren't frogs hopping lily pads, but there is more than one lily pad for any frog.

interesting also that on average men have more relationships than women.

so this one relationship in your life....you get to decide if it's over or if you hang on. YOU choose. not him. you get to own this change in the GPS of your life. recalibrating..............

I get what you're saying. I think what I meant is more along the lines of him always playing the victim, every time he does something wrong. And sadly, when he tells the story, he will once again get to play victim. I know it's the addiction, but it still hurts.

He is using you as a backup. In other words this, "I am not getting clean now and have no intentions to do so, but if I ever do, I want you there, waiting for me." Goodness. You deserve more than this, and I know you know that.

And your reaction to his empty words was…………

The cycle of your HOPE, your relief followed by your extreme disappointment happens once again.

Are you seriously expecting this person who is using drugs and has clearly shown you the ups and downs of his moods to just get in your car on Friday and come to your place and collect all of his belongings and then have you nicely drive him and his stuff back to his sisters?

Sadly you are the volunteer. Continuing to volunteer to allow your heart and mind to be played with by someone who’s love is to the drugs and not with a healthy relationship with you.

Just want to give you a hug Katerina!

I know it hurts. I think you are doing the right thing, you know that. I also know, knowing it doesn't make it easier. Break ups are just all around crappy no matter what the reasons are. I think we always want answers, that's a normal human experience, it's frustrating not to get them.

I think he still has delusions of you being there either when he "get's done" with the drugs, or in some other way (thinks he can) manipulate you into being there for him even if he doesn't. His addict mind just works that way. He isn't anywhere near ready to work towards changing. You will have to be the one to dig deep and make the hard changes that will make your life better. It wont always feel as bad as it does now. One day soon it will actually be a relief, once you've gotten a break from the chaos he brings to your mind and the clouds in your heart clear away.

Hang in there, take LOTS of deep cleansing breaths and please keep hanging out here with us so we can keep propping you up. You are doing the right thing going no contact.

This conversation reminded me of something I said in a different thread from a few years ago when a member posed a question to the board, she wanted to know if those of us that had left our qualifiers felt like we were escaping. this was my answer:

the whole thread can be found here if you are inclined to read it:

http://https://www.soberrecovery.com...-escaping.html

The best way to deal with the mail is to take what you have of his to the post office and hand it to them and tell them he no longer lives there and not to deliver his mail to your address. He is trying to use your address for his probation but lives elsewhere. They will take care of it.

This is what I did when I divorced and XAH refused to change his address.

I think the link may be broken? At least it's not working for me.

Thank you everyone for your replies. You all make SO much sense at such a difficult time. HUGS!

It is and it isn't? Have you ever heard a man (or a woman I suppose, although I have never, personally, heard a woman say this)

She took me for everything! I bought all of my wives a house and now I don't have a house, I looked after her like she was a queen and she has everything, what about me!

Yeah well, she probably has the house because there are children or because she bought him out because she wanted to take on the responsibility and he didn't. If that isn't the case the fact that he didn't try to settle it another way is his to own.

Point being, thinking people know this. They may nod their heads and say "oh that's too bad" but that's not what they are probably thinking. Even that is beside the point because it doesn't matter! You know who you are, you know what's going on, you know that you have integrity. That's important, that you know, that you are doing the next right thing.

He is an addict yes, but that doesn't mean he gets a pass on all and any responsibility for his life. Yes, it's a mental illness but it's one that drastically affects those around them and that should never be downplayed or dismissed.

I think this link works:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-escaping.html

Well, I have some news. He asked to see me today, he looked horrible. He actually made himself appointments for Monday and next week for addictive counseling, therapy and group meetings. I may be an idiot but I could tell he wasn't using and he realized he's never going to get help at his sister's. He wants to come home. So praying this really works and I don't end up flat on my face. If I do, I know it's on me. But I just have too good a heart and too much hope for his future to toss him aside when he really made the effort. Send some prayers my way, please. ❤ Also, I am glad the girls will be here. I don't think any of us wanted to see them stuck over there in that house. It makes me smile to know that they are safe, I really do love them. If this fails, then shame on me for having hope. I'll gladly take the title of world's biggest fool. Maybe I am an fool for having hope. I just can't turn my back on him when he is putting in the effort and says he knows he's not going to have any kind of future if he doesn't get help.

Katerina, I don't think you are a fool and I won't think you are a fool if all his resolve diminishes and he never gets any help.

Here is the thing, try not to be too hopeful. You say he is "putting in the effort" but at this point his only effort is getting back to your house from the roach motel - yes he looks terrible, he has had thousands of dollars to spend on drugs over a few weeks. Remember, yesterday he said he hated hurting you and would come back but he got high and changed his mind.

The day before, same thing.

Today he is getting help - next week - why do you believe him? Did you believe him yesterday and the day before? I don't know that he is lying but he sure as heck can't make a decision and stick to it.

Only you. The Sister doesn't care, the Mother doesn't care, your BF does not care, all these people were willing to have them be there. Only you are relieved. The people you are speaking about are not on the same wavelength as you, they are not your friends, they are loyal to themselves.

You said yesterday: He never went to his Sister's for help, he went there to get high. I imagine the money has run out now? If he says it hasn't, have him show it to you?

Honestly, I don't believe that all relationships with addicts are "doomed" I'm not some naysayer, I think under the right circumstances there can absolutely be hope.

All he has done so far is let you support him, take your $5000.00, spend it on drugs with his Sister and so you could pay his back child support then abandon you the minute he was financially able, that's it. Please don't put the cart before the horse here, he has made zero effort, that is the truth right now. It's ok to hope, but being realistic is important to protect yourself. You can't keep getting hit by how this is hurting you without having it affect you.

I hope you will continue to post. It is all too easy to fall back in to old patterns, you being the caregiver, him being the "victim" - isolating yourself to look after him.

If he doesn't quit next week, if he doesn't go to detox (if needed) if he doesn't seek recovery, you will be right back where you were a few weeks ago before he took off on you. Look at his ACTIONS not his words.

Please don't sleep with him until he has clear AIDS and hepatitis tests. He has been in a household with an intravenous heroin user(s) you don't know that he hasn't tried it and shared those needles and you can't take his word for it because he might not even remember. Protect yourself.

Thanks, Trailmix. Trust me, I am very skeptical and scared. I did verify the appointments, now we just have to see if he sticks to everything. I care too much sometimes, I have a very bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt. I guess I'll know soon enough if he's serious. I promise I'll keep posting.

Luckily his sister's husband hasn't been using needles. He's been snorting. But I do understand your concern. Thankfully my (I don't even know what to call him these days...BF? My ring isn't going back on for a LONG time) has this huge fear of needles. Times like this I'm thankful for his anxiety, paranoia and other issues. On a side note, there won't be any of "that" going on anytime soon. He's got a long way to go to prove anything to me. Hugs, I'll keep you updated.

Sending hope for you.