Can anyone explain this part....
 

Sadly, now that my husband is back in active addiction, he loathes me. The tone of his voice is something I don't think I have ever heard before. It's not even so much what he is saying but the way he says it......filled with such hate in his tone. He has also has sent me some very childish texts which, at one time, would have been out character for him even while active. It was as if a 13-15 yr sent them. Ugh

I am not going to be talked to like that by him, so I have blocked his ability to contact me. At this point, i don't have nothing to say anyway. Unfortunately, I will have to speak to him at some point but not right now. ;)

Anyway, is he projecting his own self loathing onto me? Or have I just become his addictions enemy? Or maybe he is angry I am done enabling?

How truly sad but there's nothing I can do. I am just curious why active addicts become so hateful to the people who still care about them. I read it so often on here!

:tyou

LMN, maybe all of the above? IMO, it really doesn't matter it is what it is and it appears to me each time one goes back out things get worse your not dancing anymore things are much different this time than ever before ya know?

I am sorry your going down through this again I see your still making great progress and sending you a big hug.

There is no reasonable explanation to anything an active addict does.

He probably does loathe himself right now and rather that accept that, he strikes out at you because you called him on his addiction and gave him consequences to face.

What you did was a responsible adult thing to do, it made sense and was what any healthy person would do. His attempts to manipulate you failed and he is angry and frustrated.

One day soon he will realize that the only person responsible for the position he is in, is him. Once he accepts that, and he may not, but if he does then he is one step closer to finding a solution.

Big hugs to you, it must be miserable to listen to his ranting and spewing. You are wise to cut off his contact with you.

Sort of the manipulative adult version of the temper tantrum, it seems to me. You know...the kid who tells the parent 'I won't love you anymore if you won't buy me this toy'.

:dunno:

Yes, yes, and yes.

It's not personal though I know it feels that way.

Addicts in active addiction try to drag others into their self-imposed misery.

Hold your head up high, gal! :)

I listened to him for about maybe 3 minutes, then said "oh this conversation needs to end now" and hung up.

I know it's not funny but my sister and I have had a several laughs about his texts and whole new tone. Sometimes, there is nothing left to do but laugh.

Active alcoholics are full of "self-centered self loathing" and often project that on to others.


Hugs to you,
~SB

This is analogous to me asking why my then AGF did the things she did. Things that didn't make any sense. Things that were hurtful. And then, two books and a bunch of Al Anon meetings later, the answer was because she's an addict (and a Borderline).

The "whys" at this point with your husband don't matter. You're trying to figure out someone who is sick physically, mentally and spiritually, and it's not worth your time or energy. The answer is simply because he's an addict.

ZoSo

Oh yeah. Living the dream.

As a gEEk, you may like this . . . .

http://www.cla.temple.edu/cnl/PDFs/D...islowOlson.pdf

See those scans?

BPD brains are frying, even (or especially) without an addiction to calm them.

Get out of the blast radius.

"Yes I completely understand the burden of responsibility I bear for the state of your
life. Please find it in your heart to forgive me for my failure to continue transferring large
sums of resources to you at great risk & cost to my own circumstances,home, and marriage.
So crushed am I to admit that I refused to destroy my life in order for you to obtain
another hit of your DOC ...that I changed my phone number to isolate your critically
problematic life from my destructive codependent energies."

( one of the many responses I penned and sat with finger poised over the 'send'
button in response to one particularly nasty social media query)

..........but I never did press it. For noone knew better than I it was but merely an
invitation back to 'crazy world'. A place I didn't enjoy my first visit to------why would
I volunteer for a second tour?

(((summary:go to a mall,find kid in stroller with lollipop in mouth----yank
lollipop out, observe response. No more complicated than that.))))

((((((sorry you are hurting LMN, the pain will lessen with time)))))))

My son told me numerous times he would overdose! Talk about manipulation.
Found out later he was with people who "knew what to do".
another time when he was at fault, he admitted he "had no soul" since the drugs had stolen his soul.
Drugs make them see truth and they react to "not my fault, your fault.".
Typical and not to be taken as truth.
TT

I was surprised, hurt and confused by my xah's anger. He was so angry with me and treated me so very poorly. All I wanted was the best for him. I didn't get it. It was painful. I think it is projecting. Plus, when they don't get what they want they get angry.
How can anyone be happy loosing their life to an addiction? I can't even imagine...

I'm sorry. No contact is best.

It's the nasty.

Honey, I hope you insulate yourself fully from this.

It's the only way to true healing.

This is what works, the breaking down of the enabler. Although you may not buy it, it eventually eats at you. There is no peace with the nasty getting it's shots in.

Definitely the nasty.
Think of it as damage control.Not a choice between good and
better, but rather a choice between bad & worse.
When a ship is going down, sometimes the order must be given
to close watertight doors.....dooming the crewmembers behind them.
It's not a travel agent asking if you want to go to Fiji or Hawaii
(tough choice!).....it's about if you want SOME of your buddies to die
or ALL of 'em (along with you!).
When i pulled away from the addict I was helping, I felt like a coward,
someone who ( for the first time in my life)..... failed a 'press to test'
moment. I felt conflicted and unsure ---- definitely not a normal mode
for me. What gets you past the very difficult emotions is knowing FOR
CERTAIN that you are doing what is best for you, for the addict, and for
the entire situation in general.
What I would NEVER tell you,anyone on SR, or any other living human
being.......is that it's easy to give that order.

IT ISN'T.

I was afraid of addict husband's anger - still am 30 years later. I swear he communicated a deep anger that could only be calmed by seeing blood (mine). I will not go where I know he is at. Kind of made is hard when the "experts" would say "you need to get along for the sake of your children." Ah, no, I need to be safe for the sake of my children.

Anyway, I think the reasons you give are correct - there is not one reason he has this hate, but there are instead many. On any given day, you (and he) do not know the reason for this day's lashing out.... except that it is addiction-driven. I suppose everything he does now can be tied to addiction. The soul and brain truly are kidnapped, aren't they?

Keep coming back - your feelings and issues have been experienced many here.

Vale
This is one of the most helpful posts I have ever read on SR. The decisions we have to make when dealing with an addicted loved one aren't always a choice between good or better.....but often a choice between bad or worse.

And it's not easy....it's not easy at all.

Wow and thank you.

gentle hugs
ke

I second what Kindeyes says above -- thanks Vale.

As some here may know, I chose to cut contact with my ex-companion about 6 months ago. Things had been quiet for a while (no attempts by him to try and contact me) until last week, when I received a plethora of emails and phone messages (all from numbers unknown to me) begging me to help him in various ways.

In the past, these messages would have been like a drug to me, sucking me back into the cycle of self-abuse that I had experienced a thousand times before. However, this time I felt different: first of all, I could see the madness in his way of life and in my former need to "help" him; two very damaged people locked in a sick power relationship, where love might possibly exist, but certainly only as a much weaker force. Secondly (and this is where Vale's post relates), for the first time I understood, from my core, that I cannot help him, that I never could help him, and that he is just as responsible for his choices as I am for mine. With that came the deep understanding that my "help" was and (always?) would be BAD – for him, for me – and that the only option that felt healthful and correct was to turn my gaze inward and follow the path that is very clearly marked by my soul.

It all boils down to choice, for all of us. In my Nar-Anon groups, we talk about separating the person from the illness, which for some time led me to feel that my companion was somehow not responsible for his addiction and therefore the things that he did as a result weren't really something that he "wanted"... But as I learned to move my focus away from him and onto myself, I began to see that I was ill, as well, and that I was doing things that I didn't want to do, things that were extremely self-destructive. What could I do, then? Blame my family? Blame my companion? Continue living a life that kept me isolated from reality, wrapped in a cocoon of fantasies that only assured ongoing suffering?

Those are the EXACT same questions that I would hurl at my companion, the "addict." When I heard them coming back at me from the mirror I understood that this hell that I was living in had so very little to do with him. I had to make choices, for my well-being, for my sanity, for my soul. I had to save myself, and there is nothing weak or hard-hearted about that.

It's a choice for all of us.

My sponsor told me once that when an addict is confronted finally with their addiction - they will revert back to whatever age they were when they started w/ their addict processes. This sort of helped me deal w/ the misguided and sometimes cruel language my ABF levels on me when he is using. And even when he isn't...

Maybe this will help.
I would seriously guide you to NAR ANON literature. It will arm you with the language you need to fortify your own defenses...

Prior to rehab my son was extremely angry and disrespectful. He would throw "fits."

I just told myself that he was "crazy on drugs and isn't logical." Both his father and I disconnected big time.

Now sober, he can tell you that he hated himself, at the time, and showed his wrath toward his family!

You nailed it already on the head - and I completely hear that tone in my ABF who is trying to stay sober too - that condescending threatening tone that basically says to me - if you keep pushing me - I am going to go score and use - which is a threat to you of course b/c you know where it is going after that - as you already have experienced. Detach with love my friend - go find a Nar-Anon meeting or Al-anon. I don't want to go to these meetings anymore than I want to go to my own NA meetings sometimes but the truth is - we can't ask these questions b/c there isn't an answer in my opinion.

There is not answer to the hatefulness and the lashing out on the people who love them...mostly I think because addicts don't see through their own addiction. The addiction is what they are powerless against. We are powerless against the addict. Nothing makes sense under the veil of addiction.

Don't ask why anymore...try to ask why do I tolerate it. That is the question I keep asking myself...and since I can simply walk away from my ABF no strings attached, I have been asking that alot.

I wish you well my dear.

Hey LMN, I just finished reading your entire thread and does it ever sound like mt AD talking! Such hateful words, blame, guilt (pointed at me) coming from her mouth. One minute saying she wants to attempt to be sober the next she throws in the hat, and tells me she might as well use so she can feel "better". She is seeing an addiction psychologist who is an ex-heroin abuser and is wanting Methadone. But if she doesn't get her way, here comes a temper tantrum! Like ripping that lollipop outta a toddlers mouth, I can already hear it. And why does the addict always hurt the ones that love them the most? I've always wondered that, why us? We just want to help, not fix them, that's their job, but love them. My AD certainly is powerless over her addiction, that's gotta be why she acts and speaks the way she does when the withdrawals come a calling, which seems to be every time she comes home (humm that's interesting!) I am the enemy of addiction, I am the sobriety looking for takers to my world! I am hoping someday, when she is ready, she will make the right choice! Hugs and take car! TF

I am so incredibly thankful for this post!!! I've been struggling with the same thing even though I know it's not my fault etc....I haven't been able to wrap my brain around why my ExAH said nasty things either. It's not like I haven't heard all of this before, but I think the timing was just right to really hear it. Thanks everyone!

IMO, I think it's just his addiction and/or addict voice talking.

When my husband was clean and working a recovery, I literally could see his addict voice calling by the expression on his face. It was like a little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other.

Sadly, I think he has thrown in the towel, his addiction is in control now so there is no humility and more importantly no God.

I have been reading some of your posts about your separation / divorce? Not sure which it is, but in one of them you confessed to sending him a whole bunch of angry texts messages and stuff. Probably whatever caused you to do that, same reason he is sending them to you. We all get in pain, fear and say things we regret, or out of whatever emotion. Im guilty too, when my husband relapsed, and I had to talk to him when he was threatening to leave rehab I lost it. I was scared mostly, but I said things I didnt mean in my heart, they were of the moment. I apologized and all that. But I have been looking within to see why I said what I did. If you two are ending things, I think that causes anger and pain, its probably spewing out of him, especially when he is high. I had one sort of conversation with my husband when he was missing and high and sick. He made no sense, bits and pieces, and I dont think he knew what he was saying, or a little but not really. I hope I never see (or hear) that side of him again. Im sorry your going through all this, very sad when a marriage ends.

Thank you!


Their brain becomes very sick for a long time, not just when they are high. It is literally rewired. Healing can take place with no use but the brain changes are life long.

As for my angry texts, I was reacting not taking action. It was a relapse on my part. Nothing more, nothing less!

I am sorry he went back out, this just sucks, for everyone.

And yeah this is just addiction, in that moment it was you. If someone else was in his sights at that time they would have got the brunt of it.

(((hugs)))

You know what you gotta do, lately it seems as if it is all coming together and clicking in your head...

Take good care of you.

LMN
If you've never watched Brene Brown's TEDTalk on Vunerability.......take a look. I was watching it this morning for the umpteenth time and she said something that immediately made me think of you and this thread.

Blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort.

He is simply trying to ease his own pain and discomfort. It is why addicts blame us and why we blame the addict. It's far easier to express anger and blame someone else....than it is to look at ourselves and say "this is my part"......

It's not about you.

gentle hugs
ke

The way I understand it, and I will now use my father in laws big word: Plastiticty, but the mind will always remember using drugs and the feeling and thats why people relapse. all the other symptoms that my husband is experiencing, Im told by the doctor they will go away in time because the brain will fully heal.

Wasnt this a relapse on your husbands part also, nothing more, nothing less?

Im told by the doctor they will go away in time because the brain will fully heal.

addiction doesn't go away, the brain never FULLY heals...all recovering addicts are exactly ONE bad decision away from returning to using. that's why addict and alcoholics with multiple decades of recovery can still relapse. addiction is ALWAYS there, inside of us. there is no cure. as long as we never use again, we have a reprieve. that's it, a reprieve.

unless the addict fully recognizes and respects their nemesis, ADDICTION, they will never get that reprieve. play with fire, you will get burned. if we do not protect our sobriety, recovery, every day, in all ways, we leave ourselves open to the resurgence of the demon. it's never far away, it lurks in the bushes. get a little too reminiscent remembering the good old days...let daily life stuff build up too much and get the F*ck its, thinking again that ONE couldn't hurt, I deserve, nothing bad will happen, I have control of this.....and Thunder comes flying out of chute #3.

Well at least for me... this is my opinion:

If anyone stands between me and my drug they are my enemy. LMN you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I am so sorry about your situation.
Its just the devil. The devil hates the light. I believe that it is the enemy with him that is being mean. The devil is mean to all of gods children. I pulled away from everyone who had the light in them this summer =[ I believe it is spiritual warfare. You sound like you have some tough armor LMN. Hugs.