MADLY in love with an "ex heroin addict"
 

I need help, any kind word or gesture can help me out right now. Im 24 years old and I live in Florida, about a year ago I met the LOVE of my LIFE in my english class. We started off 4 months becoming the best of friends, he fell madly in love with me, and i too began to fall in love with him. Our chemistry was AMAZING, we would finish each others sentences. About 4 months into our relationship i found some things were super sketchy about him like he would cancel plans with me, show up late....all to add up that he was an EX heroin addict of 7 years......He decides to tell me now after its TOO LATE to walk away or run for the hills....so yes i decided to stay with him and help him get the help he needed for proper recovery.....if only i would listen to my brain and not my heart i should of known that i cant help him, he has to want to help himself! now after some time and he would tell me to my face he is getting better, i believed him. he even convinced me that he was OK to drink alcohol but i didnt know any better, i have never been in a situation like this before in my life...so we would go out for drinks......then i found out he would lie behind my back and get HAMMERED by himself without me there....so many times he told me was in bed or "still working" but he was getting *********......we were suppose to be moving in together to a nice townhouse last month but it never happened because he wrote a check from a closed bank account, he didnt want to hurt my feelings and tell me he wasnt ready......we broke up last week and im a EMOTIONAL wreck. I cant eat or do anything i even quit my job because i cant do much of anything.....i feel as if im empty......the life has been sucked out of me..i know he loves me unconditionally.....but he thinks its best if he takes his space.......i dont know if he plans on using again? he told me he doesnt plan on using again and that hes going 4 help and he doesnt want 2 hurt me anymore......he thinks i deserve better....but he is a good person deep down.....i dont know what i should do......do i wait? i feel as if tables were turned he would wait for me.......i love him so much......hes my soulmate :( i feel like im dying inside.....help.....Ill never love another person the way I loved him......and i know he loves me so much he just feels hes not capable of ever being the man i dserve.....im so hurt....please help

In know this hurts Evey, but I suspect he wasn't an ex-user but continues to use. The man you think you know is an illusion. Addiction does that, it fools them and it fools us.

You are young and haven't invested years and years with him, you don't have children with him. You have the opportunity to start a new and better life for yourself and one day find all the things you are looking for in a relationship only it will be real, addiction will not be involved.

What has happened so far may be a blessing in disguise because it's an opportunity to see where this relationship is going if you continue. You have a chance to change everything and walk. Or you can choose to stick around for more. Either way we're walking with you.

Hugs

Thank you Ann your kind words went along way. Its just so hard......knowing that he might be using again and who he is with....i swear if anything happens to him i dont know what ill do :( i love him so much im having so much pain and trouble letting this go. Hes such a big part of me, and the fact that im witnessing the person i love the most die in front of me a relentless and slow death kills me inside. ill never be able 2 move on from him....i just hope and pray he will be OK

Before I comment on this remark, I just wanted to say that I love Sarasota. One of my favorite things to do is to go to the Tommy Bahama Cafe, camp out on the balcony, and people watch. I love Siesta Key, the Old Salty Dog, the Beachhouse on Anna Maria Island, and especially Michael's On East. You're lucky to live where you do. And with that...

You believe he loves you unconditionally? Even though --

Or --

Does this sound like a man who loves you unconditionally? Does this sound like a man who is your soulmate?

Evey, you're 24 years old. I have a niece your age. And while I completely, utterly, and wholeheartedly empathize with your heartache, take a step back and look at him objectively. There is no such thing as an ex-addict. There are addicts that ultimately take responsibility for their actions, grow as people, and stop using drugs. There are addicts that may abstain from using but still behave atrociously. And then there are the addicts that continue to use, and will lie, cheat, steal, and manipulate everyone and anyone to satisfy whatever they need at a given time.

I by no means want to marginalize your pain or your suffering, because it is genuine. But whether you choose to believe this or not, you've just dodged a bullet, and that bullet is your AXBF. You can't help him. You can't save him. And I can assure you that the pain and suffering you're feeling right now would be nothing in comparison to if you two did marry, have children and he was pulling this act now. Because then not only would you be heartbroken, you'd be legally bound to him.

What I would like to see you do is to take all that love you have for him and give it to yourself. You come first. It's time to take care of Evey. Coming here's a good start. And as soon as you finish reading this, I want you to go to our sticky notes and read "What Addicts Do" over, and over, and over again. Because that is EXACTLY what you're up against. You're 24 years old. You don't need, or deserve, the sort of heartache and mindf**k you're getting from this guy.

ZoSo

Thank you ZoSo! you made me feel a bit better...its just hard to recognize these things for what they are now....he told me he loved me so much thhat i was his soulmate but he feels he cant give me what i want because he is sick with his addiction.....i cant hate him.....i worry so much if he will be ok and not end up dead in an alley somewhere.....how do i get 2 the sticky notes? i want to read that article but im having trouble finding it

Hi Evey,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.

You will find so many here that have been in your shoes.

Many of us live by the three C's:
You didn't Cause this.
You cannot Control it.
You cannot Cure it.

The first thing to do is read all the Sticky posts at the top of the forum.
Then spend some time reading and posting here and you will see that many people are surviving despite having been in your very situation. It helped me so much to know that.

What you can do is get help for you. I have a great deal of compassion for addicts (I have a brother that is in active addiction and another that is in recovery) but I do not like to hear that an addict failed to disclose their addiction within a new relationship. I'm not surprised, but it's upsetting. You had a right to have that information before getting so emotionally involved, and someone truly in recovery would tell you first, not wait until you figured it out.

I can tell you that you will not always feel the way you feel at this moment. I hope that offers some solace, because I can tell you are hurting badly.

Peace and Hugs,
Hanna

Evey...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

Remember this: we're powerless over someone else's addiction. As Hanna has pointed out above me, you didn't cause, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. But you can help yourself.

Start reading, kiddo. :)

ZoSo

That sticky note deffinately helped. Thank you so much. Im so grateful i have found this site. Im trying to keep my head up but its hard. I dont really have alot of friends here, my ex was all i had. I miss him so much but more than anything i want him to get better. I know that himbreaking up with me was the best thing to do, but it just hurts. Hurts to see the person you fell in love with for the first time slowly dying a relentless death...i underestimated the power of a heroin addiction when he confessed to me months ago....i subsided and told myself hes loves me so much he wont ever do it again and we can have a normal future together.....im so naive :( ive never dealt with anything like this situation in my life.....he really is a good person....hes just trapped in his disease. should i wait for him 2 get well?

your right. he relapsed in january and swore that was the only time he picked it up. but im sure he used throughout our entire relationship. :/ i just want him 2 get help at this point. i quit my job last week because im so depressed i cant do anything and i regret doing that.....not staying busy is driving myself nuts with my thoughts. im such an emotional person....i love too hard, believe anything a guy has 2 tell me.......why did it have to be him? ill never understand......:(:thanks:c021:

Can you get your job back?

That kind of all-consuming love never felt healthy.

Sounds like some Alanon or Naranon meetings just might help you to work on you.

I say both because many times there are a lot more Alanon than Naranon in one's area and thus more times and days to fit into one's schedule.

I am sorry for what you are going through but very glad you found us!

The above programs are for you/us. By working the program it helps you/us to figure out why we were attracted to an addicted person, helps us to build our own self worth and self esteem so that our insides are healthier and thus we start to attract others whose insides are more like ours.

I know you want to see him get better. Say a prayer to your HP to have his HP watch over him. Say it daily if you like.

As as been said above YOU DODGED A BULLET even though you may currently not think so. Read some of the threads on this forum and you will see just how big that bullet is.

As you are starting to see with just your thread, you can come here as often as you want or need to and rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh. We do understand and are here to help you walk through the pain and on into the sunshine.

You can do this! I know you can!!! You will get through this.

Love and hugs,

Evey, I am old and you are young, but I remember the pain of thinking that I will die if the love I have for someone is not returned. I didn't die, I hurt for a long time and I pined for what might have been, but I didn't die. In the end, the person I pined for was a deadbeat dad and lousy husband to someone else...lucky me, I made it past him to the man I have been married to for 43 years and who is still the love of my life.

The soul mate life you seek for yourself will come too...but not likely with an active addict.

Try some meetings, as was suggested. You have nothing to lose and absolutely everything to gain. You will heal and become healthy, and healthy attracts healthy, whereas sick attracts sick. It will help you find happiness and joy in your heart again, I promise, and that will bring you to wonderful new beginnings...I promise that too. I promise and the program of recovery promises, so you can bank on both of us to tell you the truth.

Hugs

a little time out
 

Those characteristics and behaviors are great to recognize at this point!!! I always thought that being sensitive and loving "big" and trusting people were all virtues. That was how my mind was programmed to think. What is wrong with being sensitive, loving and trusting?

It's like anything else.......too much of a "good" thing.....is a bad thing. And that's what I eventually came to understand.

My sensitivity made me vulnerable to taking everything so personally that anyone and everyone had more control over my emotional state than I did.

Love is wonderful but I found that my form of love could be extremely unhealthy....not just for me but for the people I loved.

Trust is important but it's something that should be earned not given away freely. And when someone proves to us that they can't be trusted, we owe it to them and to ourselves to either cut and run or give them the opportunity to earn it back. But it must be earned....so a period of distrust has to exist.....when we trust too much, we tend to go straight back to full trust without protecting or respecting ourselves.

Balance is the key. Everything is a "degree of want and balance". If I want something more than someone else, I'm going to have to give more to get it......and unfortunately with the characteristics described above......I was giving more of myself away than I was getting back from others. The "degree of want" was out of whack.

Think of yourself as an asset.....like a piece of property. If you want to sell it more than someone wants to buy it, you have to come down on your price.....sometimes way down. If you think you have a "buyer", you may throw a bunch of things in just to get that piece of property sold. When a buyer finds a desperate seller, they'll take as much as the seller is willing to give away.

You're worth more than you think. Wait for the right "buyer" who wants you as much as you want them......then you're both willing to give what it takes to make a relationship work. In most cases, an addict wants to take way more than they are willing to give....it is how the disease works. How much of you are you willing to give away to strike a deal?

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Hello, Evey. I'm sorry for your pain. Most of all I'm sorry that these horrible drugs are available to devastate so many lives. It's so heartbreaking.

My 22 year old son is a heroin addict. I don't have the same choice to walk away, lick my wounds and start fresh. You are actually lucky that way. My son is a part of me that will never be released...no matter how I try or what I do. And, like you, I "only want him to get better". I would give anything, sacrifice everything, if I had any sort of assurance that would actually "recover" and have a fulfilling life. But I have absolutely no control over the outcome whatsoever.

It has been a long and difficult path loving my son while watching him struggle with his addiction. He's been in and out of rehab, detox and sober living houses over and over. He's been homeless and in jail. He feels worthless and hopeless at times and there are no words powerful enough to make him quit for good, it seems.

I don't know what will happen to him. I try very hard not to worry too much because it serves no purpose. My focus has turned away from him and trying to "save him" and back onto myself and my own happiness. I started here at SR and the most powerful lesson I have learned is about Acceptance and Detachment. I have accepted that he will live his life as he chooses, not how I choose. He's an adult and chooses every day, just like I do. I accept that life is hard sometimes but such difficulties won't define me or how I move through my day. I have so much to be grateful for -- a good job, a loving husband, nice home, etc. -- I don't allow the sorrow I feel for my son's choices to dictate my moods. If I did, I would never get out of bed.

I know I'm rambling. Sorry. My point is that I had to shake the fantasy that there is anything I can really do or say that will change HIM or make him choose differently. That has to come from within him. I had to learn the art of Acceptance. I accept this pain, but I cannot wallow in it. There is a huge world out there and I'm going to be a part of it, dammit. I had to learn to Detach from his problems and give him the dignity to choose his own path....the same dignity I expect from others.

I hope your path to healing is a short one and that you'll find serenity again soon. Coming to SR was a very smart move on your part. Welcome!

Thank you for the kind kind words. I find it so hard to actually detach myself....i keep texting him and tellling him my feelings over and over again which i know its a wrong move on my part. He said he needs the space and time to be alone. He doesnt want to drag me down with him because he believes that would be selfish and unfair. I find it so hard to go even 1 day without sending him a text......i just dont want him 2 think i have forgotten about him and that yes im still here for you.....I think hes hoping that by just detaching from me that our "romance" will eventually die out and ill "forget". He will reply things like "You deserve so much better, im nothing special you will see when u move on one day"......and it makes me so fustrated because i know he is someone special. Hes the person i fell in love with, no other person can make me smile and laugh the way he does. We have spoken numerous amounts of time about our future together......but i know he wasnt ready to "Move in" and get a place together; hence the check he wrote from a closed bank account the day we went to sign a lease for a townhouse which never happened because the check returned and landlord nulled our lease agreement......I do know he loves me deep down buried beneath all his issues and his disease......its just hard to walk away knowing we would still be together if his addiction never existed..... :( im literally shattered to pieces...every day is an obstacle for me. I went to my first NAR ANON meeting last night around 7 and it helped a little....i tried to talk but i choked with tears.....im going again tomorrow night to another one.....I have nobody here....and the 1 friend i do have is a crazy party animal who doesnt care to understand. Im trying my best to get thru this but its so extremely hard when my heart is in this..... :c021:

What do you suppose would be a stronger motivator to get clean?
A) losing the woman you love or
B) knowing she will tolerate anything (for a while)?

My thought is that he has been down this road before and knows he can't be with a "normie" if he is choosing to use. Right now his first love is heroin.... Until he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I'm sorry you are going through this heartache. I'm glad you found a meeting. Have you considered a counselor? I know how painful it is to be in a break up with somebody who you are madly in love with. You think that you will never find anybody that you are that close to or have that bond with. It is possible to move on! Right now, you are texting him daily, which makes it hard to move on. Each time you hear from him, it can make it harder to let go. He is a drug addict, so the love of his life is heroin. That might sound painful, but it is true. My bf is currently in recovery from opiates (pain pills). He has admitted that opiates were his best friend, and that he neglected our relationship. Recovery for the addict is a long, hard road. It's not just stopping the drug. They need to do a lot of hard work on their own. My step-daughter is also a heroin addict. She has gone to many rehabs, jail, etc., and is still in active addiction. It is a really hard thing to watch. I have to detach because I can't have a front-row seat to her addiction. It hurts me, and doesn't help her.

As others have said, you can't love people out of an addiction. If you could, our loved ones would be clean.

I know you are sad and depressed, but what can you do to make yourself feel a little bit better? Bubble bath with candles by the bathtub? Go for a bike ride? When I broke up with my sex-addict bf at 24, I couldn't eat. I lost so much weight, and it took awhile to feel better. But, I did get better. I met new people. I eventually learned to have fun on my own. What is your family background? My alcoholic father was never around, so I had some serious male abandonment issues. I think it made it much harder for me to deal with the break up because I was dealing with unresolved issues from growing up without a father and with a drug addict mother. However, I know that healing is possible, and things can get better for you.

Are you still in school? If so, you could start with a counselor at your school. Most colleges have free counseling resources. Take care.

The way you describe your feelings for him and what you are feeling now is very difficult to read because it reminds me of my own experiences.

I don't usually quote the bible, but this is worth quoting.
There may be love between the two of you, but I believe what is driving you to madness is something other than love. What caused him to start a relationship with you that didn't have a foundation of honesty is not love. Love does not hurt. It does not make you feel like you'll die without it. It doesn't make you stop taking care of your basic needs, like the need to work so that you can eat. Love is not putting one's life on hold waiting for someone else to overcome their weaknesses. For me, true romantic Love is finding a partner and equal.

I am so sorry you are hurting. I am also sorry that it took me so many years to change my own perspective about love.

Well the only thing I have for support right now are the NAR ANON meetins on fri and sunday nights, soberrecovery, and my best friend who lives all the way in israel. Im trying but its so hard to not think of him. Im a mess and i feel like everything is OK in a sense hes moving on completely fine without me. doesnt care to text me back or anything.....maybe hes on drugs again? he told me i cant even contact his dad and step mom to thank them for the wonderful things they have done for me......but yet he told them we r broken up...so whats the big deal? is he lying....? probably....SIGH......god give me strength.......:(

When I'm hurting my mom has told me to go out and help someone else. It's something she has done in many ways over the years to cope with some incredibly difficult things. It definitely helps me, because it takes my mind off of my own bad feelings.

You will heal, it will just take time.

Did you make it to the bookstore?

yep i made it to the bookstore got the codependent no more and already3/4 finished with it. its helping

These are actually very strong support systems.

Something very personal to me: the amount of time that I spent crying on a friend's shoulder about men upsets me to this day, though many years have passed. In retrospect it was not a good use of my energy or my time with my friends. We could have been having fun and being happy. I cringe when I think of how my relationship problems took time away from joy.

Please feel safe putting most of your burden here, because we are many and have been there. Please remember to care about your friend's life, and what is going on with her because I feel very selfish now remembering how out of balance things were with my friendships when I was suffering like you are today.

Also, just read as much as possible here and post support for others that are in pain. I can think of quite a few that have recently had the experience you are having. It's amazing to watch them grow stronger and reading about it will help you.

Yeah, im trying......one day at a time....beautiful saying! never really gave it much thought til now.....funny how things make sense. I just need to get my "mojo" back. Not gonna lie my self esteem is not what it us to be either....It's hard getting out of bed, its easier to be depressed and cry about my situation but i know its not helping....

this was my first relationship too.......i trusted him so much with my heart and he promised he would never hurt me......im a sucker.

I just hope when i do meet the next guy im not a total b****. I dont know if i can do this all over again.

You dont know how much it helped me to read that. Its so true. I was sitting here wallowing in misery, thinking all the things that the other broken hearted women have been thinking and wasting time being all angry and sad and stuff. Then you reminded me of why Im going through this. Obviously yelling, crying, supporting, telling him how wonderful he is just to be left over and over for heroin hasn't changed a thing. I may be miserable, but its better than being miserable AND feeling like a doormat. If he misses me so much, he knows where to find me. The same place he found me three years ago, at an AA meeting. Not on the phone or FB. At least, at a meeting I'll have the strength of my friends to remind me how toxic the relationship had become. Anyway, thank you.

Addicts know exactly how to suck us in and make us fall in love an not want to leave.

Although you might think he is your soulmate and that you can't live without him, if you really look at his actions you will see that he does not love you unconditionally, he is not your soul mate, and that your life will be much easier in the long run if you let time heal your wounds and get over him.

The fact that he didn't tell you right off the bat that he was an addict and waited until you were in love with him is a HUGE red flag. To wait to tell someone something as huge as drug addiction until the person loves you this way they won't leave is SO SO SOOOOOO manipulative. Waiting until the person has a strong connection with you so that they will not turn and leave is dishonest, controlling, sneaky, and as I said manipulative. If he was sober he would be honest from the start and not use your emotions for him to benefit him. Also, the fact that he felt he needed to wait for you to love him to tell you something shows that he has something to hide. Someone that is truly in recovery will not be embarrassed to tell someone how far they have come and someone truly in recovery would not be manipulative enough to hope that by the time they tell you they are an addict that you will be "in too far to leave". That is just plain evil.

Also, the fact that he would be late, cancel plans, and would lie about his drinking habits shows that he is not an honest person and that he is not in recovery. Although some addicts can drink, it is pretty obvious that he is trying to substitute his drug of choice with drinking. The fact that he drinks alone, cancels plans, and lies shows that he is not open or honest with you. When you love someone unconditionally and feel that they are your soul mate you do not manipulate them, you don't lie to them, and you don't mislead them.

He is not the man that you are hoping he is. He knows the right things to say to you to get you to feel loved and think that he is your soul mate, but when it comes down to it his actions say the complete opposite. From the start he has manipulated you and tried to get what he wanted by being deceiving. He is not in recovery and as you have said he has most likely been using your entire relationship.

Don't let him string you on any longer. Get another job to help keep yourself busy and work on putting yourself first. Don't let his words derail you, actions are the only thing that matters with an addict. Addiction is progressive and if he has already lied and manipulated you so much in such a short time, imagine what the future will hold as he gets deeper and deeper in addiction. Addicts will rob you of your life, money, and joy. Take this break as a blessing and put some serious space between you and him. I know it hurts to find out someone is not who you believed they were, but when someone shows their true colors you should believe them.

You can't cure, fix, or control him. All you can do is take care of yourself and give yourself the chance to find true happiness and a soul mate that will actually love you unconditionally, not manipulate you and trick you into thinking that you are loved and respected.

"I know it hurts to find out someone is not who you believed they were, but when someone shows their true colors you should believe them."

Thank you for your post, Maylie, and in particular, the quote above - it's something I really needed to be reminded of today.

When I first started going out with my ex, he told me "you wouldnt want to have known me when I was using. Im a horrible a**hole when I'm using." and I said thats impossible! How could someone so wonderful be that bad? OMG, he was not lying! That wonderful man who brought me coffee in the morning and would kiss the place I drank from, would put my feet on a pillow jwhen I put them on the coffee table, would do anything to please me and make me happy, could not do enough to make me hate him when he was using. I was shell shocked! Three years later, if he put half the energy he uses to apologize or run away from the wreckage into getting sober, he'd have me back. But I've trained him that he can treat me like crap and I'll still take him back so I quit. Too much damage has been done and I'm tired of waiting around for him to fix the mess he made. Yes, it hurts, I miss my best friend and the good times we had. But I cant ever get that great guy that he was back in the beginning back and I'm done with fantasizing about it happening. Occasional glimpses aren't enough just to be disappointed again. And he dares to say that HE has resentments! Out of a three year relationship, he was actively in it for maybe nine months! The rest was me chasing him and taking care of him and trying to fix him. And now I get to waste more time trying to get over the damage I let him do to me mentally.

That's the thing, Terry....my XA has been using since I first started up with him, so he was mostly an a$$hole the entire time I was with him, lol. Not to mention, if he was using from the very beginning, I guess I never REALLY knew him. It's just those rare, intimate times when I TRULY felt he loved me and cared about me, when he let me in, for just a few minutes, past that wall that he always has up.....THAT is what keeps me hung up on him, and I have to really fight to get past it. Yeah, there were those rare times when he absolutely took my breath away, but that's just it.....they were RARE!!! There were FAR more times when he was cold, cruel and inconsiderate, and THOSE are the times I really need to remember!! I'm trying and I'm getting better, but I still have those days....

Thank you so much. I needed to read everything you just wrote today. Everyday is still like a emotional rollercoaster.....one hour I miss him, the next hour I'm angry as all hell then the next hour I cry for a minute....but this whole "no contact" thing is doing good. He has texted my phone asking me how im doing or a random "hello" and I dont reply back. AS MUCH AS I WANT TO, I dont....its a game to him and its called "Manipulation". I dont want to believe anymore lies....the lies sound like TRUTH....so just leave me alone.....hes got back up lies for his LIES.....its ridiculous...your right....this is not love and it never was....

The love I had for him I believe was unconditional but time to love MYSELF unconditional.......now that I am in recovery from this emotional abuse I dont see his a$$ RUNNING to help me like i did for him.....

I think im starting to like this whole "Me, Myself, & I" thing :) :thanks :thanks :thanks